I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I've been afraid to let this all out for fear of ridicule from others. I suppose no better time than now to begin to dispose of that fear in me.
Keep in mind that I had anxiety & depression as a child also.
Here goes:
About 4 years ago I was in my first serious relationship. At this point in my life I always felt something was different/wrong about me, but I never knew that it was anxiety & depression. To keep this part shorter, I throughout the relationship began not dealing with the things she did appropriately. She would hit me occasionally when she got mad at me for things, and sooner or later for other reasons my self esteem was starting to rapidly decline. It got to the point where I kept built up emotion in, that I began to retaliate, and over time I realized I started being mentally and physically abusive to her. I would just get urges to be mean to her at times, and I never knew what it was. Time passed, and nothing got better. I ended up cheating on her and we split up permanently afterwards.
My entire life guilt has followed me, but never like this. I couldn't believe that I, Dustin Boudreaux had done these things to someone. Especially someone who I cared very much for. Not long before we broke up though, my puppy Calvin, who was my best friend passed away unexpectedly. He choked on some of his food and while trying to save him he died in my arms. So within a few months I had lost him, and her out of my life. The two people I depended on.
I just began to lose it. I was up every single night curled up shaking and crying, having horrible, horrible nightmares. When I finally managed to fall asleep I would wake up every few minutes wanting to scream. Soon enough I ended up in the hospital due to suicidal intentions.
Once released from the hospital, it wasn't long until my aunt and one of my good childhood friends passed away within a day from each other.
2 years down the road I had refused to date after all that. I finally starting working again, and had calmed down a good bit throughout time. I met this girl online who after some time told me she had feelings for me. I told her that I was afraid to date because I didn't want to hurt anyone, nor myself. She told me that she could show me that things could be different.
Once we started dating right from the get-go she started doing little things that bothered me. She would compliment other guys, but never ever complimented me. She did many other things to, and some she DID try fixing I will say. It also got to the point where her hypocrisy and her jealousy got out of control. She would accuse me of cheating, she would get mad if a girl friend of mine messaged me a few words online.
I had known she had been sexually active before her and I met, so in my mind I was always comparing myself to her past and major panicking over it. It honestly overwhelmed me.
I also knew for her entire life her mom was abusive towards her. No one in her life tried doing anything about it. Finally I decided enough was enough and I got the law involved. It took a lot of effort along with a lot of mess, but I finally got her out of that house. I made it possible for her to go live with her real dad whom she hasn't seen in years. Though he lived across the country, I really wanted her to get a new start in life.
To get to the point, she cheated on me while living with her real dad, and to this day has yet to thank me for what I did for her. My family even payed for her plane ticket, because her mom wouldn't.
She finally moved back to around where I live. I took her back after what happened. I was even there for her when I found out she cheated on me. But there were nights when I would panic and be terrified. I would tell her I was scared I was going to hurt myself, and I was crying and screaming. She would respond by saying she is tired and is going to sleep. She would just leave me there alone.
I noticed after a while that she often messed with my head for pleasure. She would sit there and watch me panic, and refuse to tell me what it was I wanted to know. There were even times where she would laugh.
She would break up with me all the time over extremely silly things due to her excessive amount of jealousy. And while single she would pretend like she had feelings for another guy to get me upset, and it crushed me.
WE finally broke up for good a week ago from now. I was having a panic attack begging her back, and she was just saying cruel things and hung up. I finally came to my senses and haven't called her back since then. Though I must say I feel empty inside often because of everything that has happened. I feel like I need her, even after all she's done to me. I never cheated on her, never hit her or anything. I learned a lot. Lately I've been panicking thinking about her because I know for a fact she is talking to another guy at the moment. I am just so hard on myself, and feel ugly and worthless because of all of this. I am weighed down and worried about what she is doing.
Sorry for the long story, but any input would be tremendously appreciated.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
Details about my curent situation
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Guest
Dustin, you are doing well to get a negative person like her out of your life. If you can just let her go, you will feel much better.
I saw your photo by your name, and you are a handsome man. You might have been burned a few times, but in dating, we have to remember that we are shopping around. If you don't like what you see or they are cruel to you, just move on until you find that special someone who understands that it might take some time for you to bring the walls down. Good luck to you. Bev
I saw your photo by your name, and you are a handsome man. You might have been burned a few times, but in dating, we have to remember that we are shopping around. If you don't like what you see or they are cruel to you, just move on until you find that special someone who understands that it might take some time for you to bring the walls down. Good luck to you. Bev
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michele1822
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2009 10:18 pm
Hon...
I would love to talk to you. I have been through some stuff and I get you I really do.
First off..NEVER NEVER compare yourself to others, you just wont win.You are you and that is what ppl like about you. Think about your exes, do you compare them in your mind or do you take each one for who they are? Once any kind of abuse starts it is almost impossible to reverse.No one needs that stuff or deserves it.
I know how hard it can be to move on when you have opened your heart.
You are not ugly and that you care and put yorself out there for all of us to see is a giant step. You need to be ok with you and if you meet someone look for the signs and listen to them before it gets to serious. There are ppl out there that will support you and love you for you and all that comes with you. You do not deserve BS. Maybe this new ex is seeing someone and thank god cause you dont need that in your life. I know it is hard but really think....do you really even want her? Or are you scared and lonely and need someone?
This is a great place to be to find ppl who get you and know what you feel like. I am up right now because I woke up bawling from a dream and thought I was all alone...my bf was right there lol. He said whats wrong baby and just held me. I am almost 32 and he is 21. I have got more crap about that then you can imagine but guess what??? He stands by me no matter how crazy I am,I have had him read a few things and explained others so he gets what I go through. You have to find someone willing to be there and whether they get it or not they need to have an open mind to listen and read about it because if they do not have anxiety and depression they will never understand.
Ok...I am done rambling. But please know there are true, loving and faithful ppl out there that will love YOU and not mess with your head and heart. You can private message me or I have yahoo if yoou ever need to scream, yell,cry...or talk. Shereenading@yahoo.com
Good Luck....Keep your head up you can do this, I know sometimes it feels like you cant but dont you give those witches the satisfaction of hurting yourself over them. You would be wasting a chance to happiness and self worth. I know it feels like it would be the best way but it never is and with meds or counseling or even just some friends and support this awful feeling will go away. Hugs to you!!
I would love to talk to you. I have been through some stuff and I get you I really do.
First off..NEVER NEVER compare yourself to others, you just wont win.You are you and that is what ppl like about you. Think about your exes, do you compare them in your mind or do you take each one for who they are? Once any kind of abuse starts it is almost impossible to reverse.No one needs that stuff or deserves it.
I know how hard it can be to move on when you have opened your heart.
You are not ugly and that you care and put yorself out there for all of us to see is a giant step. You need to be ok with you and if you meet someone look for the signs and listen to them before it gets to serious. There are ppl out there that will support you and love you for you and all that comes with you. You do not deserve BS. Maybe this new ex is seeing someone and thank god cause you dont need that in your life. I know it is hard but really think....do you really even want her? Or are you scared and lonely and need someone?
This is a great place to be to find ppl who get you and know what you feel like. I am up right now because I woke up bawling from a dream and thought I was all alone...my bf was right there lol. He said whats wrong baby and just held me. I am almost 32 and he is 21. I have got more crap about that then you can imagine but guess what??? He stands by me no matter how crazy I am,I have had him read a few things and explained others so he gets what I go through. You have to find someone willing to be there and whether they get it or not they need to have an open mind to listen and read about it because if they do not have anxiety and depression they will never understand.
Ok...I am done rambling. But please know there are true, loving and faithful ppl out there that will love YOU and not mess with your head and heart. You can private message me or I have yahoo if yoou ever need to scream, yell,cry...or talk. Shereenading@yahoo.com
Good Luck....Keep your head up you can do this, I know sometimes it feels like you cant but dont you give those witches the satisfaction of hurting yourself over them. You would be wasting a chance to happiness and self worth. I know it feels like it would be the best way but it never is and with meds or counseling or even just some friends and support this awful feeling will go away. Hugs to you!!
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Guest
I know exactly what you are going through to a extinct. My husband of 9 years cheated on me with the same person for 2 years. He actually confessed the day before Christmas.(what a present) Anyway I know that this has triggered my panic and anxiety. We have 2 kids and right now I have finally got the courage to file for divorce. But there is not a day or moment that goes by I don't think about him what he has done to me and my kids. He has hurt me so bad. I truly love this man and I feel so alone and weak. I think about my kids being in a divorced family and how much I feel like I still need my husband. Even though he doesn't need me. I am very vulnerable at this moment and I need to be strong for my children. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Guest
Dustin,
When you first PM'd me I wish I would've known what I know now. I've never been in an abusive relationship like you've described, but I connect with your grief over the loss of so many loved ones in such a short period of time.
Four years ago my great-grandmother died (at 101!), then later that year my grandfather died. My husband and I moved into his house, I switched jobs, my sister got married, and then my father died unexpectedly. That was only 4 months after my grandfather (his dad) had died. Later that year my godfather was killed in a car accident, then my grandmother (my dad's mom) died. Next were my 24 year old cousin and one of my uncles and my great aunt. It seems like it never ends! Oh, and then last June my cat, my one and only cat I ever had, who lived with me for 14 years died. She had a heart attack and I watched her go. It tore me up as much as any or all of my family members who went.
Dustin I will tell you that if you are not seeing a therapist I can attest to the fact that it has helped me IMMENSELY. Just to hear her say the words "Gosh, you really have been through so much for someone your age... no wonder you're having panic attacks" made me feel so much better.
Feel free to PM me anytime, or I have a MySpace:
<A HREF="http://www.myspace.com/ohfeeelya" TARGET=_blank>www.myspace.com/ohfeeelya</A>
TTYL
Sandina
When you first PM'd me I wish I would've known what I know now. I've never been in an abusive relationship like you've described, but I connect with your grief over the loss of so many loved ones in such a short period of time.
Four years ago my great-grandmother died (at 101!), then later that year my grandfather died. My husband and I moved into his house, I switched jobs, my sister got married, and then my father died unexpectedly. That was only 4 months after my grandfather (his dad) had died. Later that year my godfather was killed in a car accident, then my grandmother (my dad's mom) died. Next were my 24 year old cousin and one of my uncles and my great aunt. It seems like it never ends! Oh, and then last June my cat, my one and only cat I ever had, who lived with me for 14 years died. She had a heart attack and I watched her go. It tore me up as much as any or all of my family members who went.
Dustin I will tell you that if you are not seeing a therapist I can attest to the fact that it has helped me IMMENSELY. Just to hear her say the words "Gosh, you really have been through so much for someone your age... no wonder you're having panic attacks" made me feel so much better.
Feel free to PM me anytime, or I have a MySpace:
<A HREF="http://www.myspace.com/ohfeeelya" TARGET=_blank>www.myspace.com/ohfeeelya</A>
TTYL
Sandina
Hi Dustin. You are deffinitely not ugly. I've seen your photo. 
In life we learn hard lessons and you have to find out what your situation is telling you about yourself and learn from it. Don't be ashamed of what you've gone through.
There is an old song out there with a line in it that says "Everybody plays the fool sometimes". It's true, Don't be ashamed, we all have somthing that we could feel ashamed of, relationship wise,and if someone out there doesn't, if they keep living, they will.
Try not to focus on what your ex is doing. Now that she's gone, you have time to focus on yourself for a change. It doesn't seem like you've had much time to focus on your emotional needs.
Take care. DeeDee.
In life we learn hard lessons and you have to find out what your situation is telling you about yourself and learn from it. Don't be ashamed of what you've gone through.
There is an old song out there with a line in it that says "Everybody plays the fool sometimes". It's true, Don't be ashamed, we all have somthing that we could feel ashamed of, relationship wise,and if someone out there doesn't, if they keep living, they will.
Try not to focus on what your ex is doing. Now that she's gone, you have time to focus on yourself for a change. It doesn't seem like you've had much time to focus on your emotional needs.
Take care. DeeDee.
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Guest
hi dustin. my name is michele and i can completely relate to your story. all my life for as long as i can remember i felt worthless. i have 5 children now and the first 3 came from me trying to get people to love me. i love all my babies don't get me wrong. i was in 2 terribly abusive relationships with their fathers. the first lasted a year and produced my oldest daughter. the second lasted 7 years and produced 2. the second i was afraid to leave not because i thought the abuse and problems would get worse but because i was afraid of being alone. afraid of never being wanted or loved. then there was my husband. we have 2 children together. our first daughter wasborn in oct. of 2005. she died on dec. the 1st 2005 of sids. my life has absolutely been at rock bottom ever since. our second child was born sept of 2007 and is 5 months now. when he was 1 week old my husband began going out all night with other females i didn't know. this became an every night thing. my anxiety and depression went through the roof. between being afraid my new baby would die and be convinced my husband was cheating on me i was a mess. still am. now i am divorcing my husband for adultery and trying my best to have a little self esteem and control in my life. i turned to cutting when my husband startd acting really bad. then i just wanted to die. my husband didn't love me and was leaving me for another woman. i'm worthless and there is no reason for me to be here except for my babies. that's my rock right there. my babies. i need to be ok for them. see my point is that i understand. i feel the same way as you do and i bet everyone else on here does to. you are a very nice looking guy and any female should be happy to have you in there life. everyone has issues. ours are just a little more complicated. keep your head up and be strong. you will make it.
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Guest
Wow! What a lot of pain. I won't even profess to know how some of you feel, but I would like to share one belief I have with each of you. I don't think that anything happens by chance or by accident. The people that come into our lives or the situations that we are involved in come about from choices that we, or others have made. Obviously, you don't have control of the choices of others, but you do have control of your own... at least to the best of your ability to control. You can't see ahead all the time, but you can use the past as a way to learn for the future. You can also use your experiences to help others get through theirs. I believe we were all put here on earth to either learn something, or to help teach someone else something. Either way... it is a growing experience. You are where you are, and can't change the past. Now is the only place you can make changes and choices that will improve your life, or someone else's life... so thanks for sharing your experiences. Maybe someone will hear from you and will be helped. I wish each of you the best in this journey. You've taken a HUGE first step in getting it out. Have faith that you CAN get through all of this, especially with the help of others.
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Bakedpears
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Sat Aug 11, 2001 3:00 am
Michele, I am really sorry about your SIDs baby. Everyone tells me that the loss of a child is the worst loss of them all. I wish you well in divorcing your husband and caring for your children. At our local abused women in crisis shelter there are weekly meetings for women to discuss what has happened to them and support them in hopes they stay out of further abusive relationships. Have you looked into that? I went weekly for a year a number of years ago and it was very helpful.
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Guest
Hi again everyone,
WOW! Though I knew everyone here was caring and such, I had no idea that you were all phenomenal individuals to the degree you are. I always feared putting my story here, and I'm glad I did. Not only did I face a fear of mine, but am also making some great friends along the way.
I know things won't always be the way they are now. We've all been through so much, but we all also have each others backs. We are all in this together, and my oh my how beautiful of a thing is that?! :u]
I love you all so darn much!
Anyone feel free to add me on myspace also. I am on there rather frequently. Look on my profile here for the link.
Though I hardly know any of you, I appreciate and am truly thankful for each of you. To the future...
Peace & Love
-Dustin
WOW! Though I knew everyone here was caring and such, I had no idea that you were all phenomenal individuals to the degree you are. I always feared putting my story here, and I'm glad I did. Not only did I face a fear of mine, but am also making some great friends along the way.
I know things won't always be the way they are now. We've all been through so much, but we all also have each others backs. We are all in this together, and my oh my how beautiful of a thing is that?! :u]
I love you all so darn much!
Anyone feel free to add me on myspace also. I am on there rather frequently. Look on my profile here for the link.
Though I hardly know any of you, I appreciate and am truly thankful for each of you. To the future...
Peace & Love
-Dustin