I'm Sick of This Crap...I've had ENOUGH!!!

Layha Rae · Post by **Layha Rae** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 2:20 pm

[QUOTE]Originally posted by bna:
Hey Mike. Great post. Once again I am inspired and challenged to move out of my comfort zone. Not to settle for less than what I have the potential to become.

Before I read your post, I was having a difficult moment guilting over a mistake I made in the past,20 years ago. Worrying over something I did, not having used the best judgement. Like worrying and beating myself up was going to change anything? Then I found your post and it gave me the kick in the pants that I needed.

I am so sick of beating myself up. I am so sick of feeling like I never measure up to this idea I have of myself. I am so sick of the negative voices that seem to be screaming at me that I am never good enough and that I should have known better. I am so sick of living in the past and obessessing over mistakes. I am sick of feeling like crap.

I can totally relate to this

Katie_Stoudt · Post by **Katie_Stoudt** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:40 am

I wish you all the best Mike; and, you're right, you do (we all do!) deserve a better life. Sadly, for some, it takes more of a struggle and a commitment. You can learn to deal with your short comings in such a way that they will not interfere with the larger picture, if anything; I think that's what's more important than turning every 'bad' into a 'good', or some such similar action. It's working with you, knowing who you are and where you stand on issues, and not allowing anything to detach you from those principles. Great luck!

Just Jen · Post by **Just Jen** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 7:55 pm

i just want to say how encouraging it is to me, as someone who hasn't even made the step to purchase the program yet, to hear you say that you've gone through many times of trying to get through and then settled for "ok". it's encouraging to me because i do that. all the time. i get to a point where i realize that something HAS to change and i get revved up, but then i sputter and stop when i start feeling "ok". i have no idea what i'm thinking when i stop, but just like you, i realize that my purpose on this earth is to help others, and i can't do that until i help myself.

i was scared, sad, indignant, angry, and finally just depressed today (july 4th of all days! - one of my 2 favorite holidays) because i think i may have finally pushed my best friend away with my out-pouring of emotion. but reading your post just now has given me the kick-start of self esteem i needed to get going. you're right. you do deserve to have a good life. and not just good. extraordinary! i believe that we are all capable and can make it to that point. i just forget it easily.

so here's my declaration of independence: i will work to be my best version of me every day, knowing that there will be days that i won't feel like it. i will work to get rid of the anxiety that stress creates in me and the depression that comes and goes like the ebb and flow of the tide. i will buy the program and make it a top priority in my life, though that will have to wait at least until my next paycheck - but at least now i've made up my mind to go ahead with it. i will use this community for support when i need it because i know that many, if not all, of you have felt what i feel every day. i will use what i learn to help others on this site and in my life so that they may benefit from whatever i learn - and i expect that to be a lot! i will work my hardest to learn to treat myself with the same respect and dignity with which i treat others. i will surround myself with people who believe in me. i will believe in me. i will believe that i have a special place in this world. i will believe that God has a reason for every up and down i go through - if not to make me learn a lesson, then to make me grow stronger. i will go to church again and work on my spiritual self. i will exercise. i will eat. i will hydrate. i will sleep. i will get up. i will do. i will enjoy. i will love.

thank you, ninjafrodo for your post that has made me feel so energized about the prospect of getting better.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 2:04 am

Thank you for all the support. I've just moved into the next stage.

I've spent years and years changing my thoughts on paper. I have at least 8 spiral notebooks

but still had this problem. I finally realized why after doing a little research.

This experience of anxiety is most likely produced by an overly sensitized amygdala. The amygdala is a small portion of the brain stem responsible for activating an organism's preparation for emergencies. Brain mapping studies seem to suggest that when OCD sufferers are confronted with feared stressors, it is the amygdala that is most active. With this in mind, it may be comforting (not therapeutic) to know that the content of one's obsessions does not characterize one's true identity. For instance, the spike "Oh my God, I may be gay," is only meaningful because of its accompanying anxiety. It does not imply that the person is actually homophobic or having a sexual orientation crisis. [Do not use this information in response to a spike. Such use will only serve as reassurance.

The rationale for this seemingly counterintuitive treatment is also a facet of cognitive conceptualization. When one gives in to a ritual, the brain's sensitivity to the perceived threat is increased [see accompanying diagram]. Understanding that giving in to a ritual can have negative consequences is instrumental in fostering a sense of determination in the avoidance of relief-seeking behaviors. On the other hand, gaining insight into this treatment rationale does very little in regard to responding more effectively to the experience of imminent jeopardy. This is particularly true when the intensity is high and the threat feels very real. The amygdala is not a thinking part of the brain! It only transmits experience and therefore cognitive learning has no effect on it. No matter how many times a person learns that AIDS is in not likely to be transmitted by doorknobs, the anxiety caused by the perception of threat can only be reduced by taking on the potential risk through contradictory repetitive acts. For example, the person may repeatedly touch public doorknobs and then resist the impulse to hand-wash.

from http://www.ocdonline.com/definecbt.php

Further in the page they talk about what you need to do in great detail. First when doing OCD or having the scary thoughts you need to tell yourself that you choose to do or think this so it gives a sense of power, then after awhile you actually accept the thoughts and tell yourself that you will get the scary magnified symptoms that you are worried about as if you are telling yourself you will for a fact. I cannot explain it well enough, check it out neways.

As for my current situation, I admitted myself into an Addiction & Mental health center. I'm in a safe place while i have the opportunity to work on my growth. No distractions or intense fears like having to find a place and what-ifing about not finding one. I am forcing myself to work on this and I still do thought replacement on paper. I'm doing it more regularly now though at least 15min a day. I find this is what you use to prevent the episodes and that stuff i quoted is for working through it in the moment. This place isn't actually too bad, now i know if i were to go crazy i'd be in a place like this and it really isn't that bad. Everybody is really friendly here.

Mike aka Ninjafrodo

Just Jen · Post by **Just Jen** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:04 pm

thanks, mike! i'm jen btw. as if you couldn't tell. anyway, i really appreciate the excerpt and the website on ocd. i'm definitely going to take a look at it because i have actually recently diagnosed myself with two ocd-type behaviors: trichotillomania and dermatillomania. they aren't to the point where someone walking down the street would look at me and see a girl who obviously has issues, but they are behaviors that i can't control and usually don't realize they are happening until major damage is done - especially to my skin. i have had scars fade and i have scars that are recent. hopefully they will fade with time, too. but i've finally realized that anything i don't realize i'm doing that causes bleeding and scars is a definite problem that must be addressed or it will just get worse. and since i've been keeping a conscious eye on myself, i've noticed that those behaviors creep in subtly whenever i feel anxiety, stress, defensive, guilty, or angry. so hopefully it will help me to work on getting those things to stop if i can manage to do those conscious behavior changes.

i'm glad to hear that you are in a safe place where you can concentrate and work without feeling the pressure of everyday life pulling at you. it seems quite lonely, though, so i hope you are making friends there. i have to say i am quite relieved to hear that it's not that bad. i've also thought of checking myself into a behavioral health center but have stopped short because the idea is just plain frightening to me. of course all i know of those facilities is what i see on tv like in "girl, interrupted".

would you mind if i pm you sometime? if it's too much trouble or would cause you undue stress, please let me know because the last thing i would want to do is to disrupt your treatment when you seem to be doing so well. i just get a nice, open vibe from your writing, and it's comforting and encouraging at the same time. i would feel horrible, though, if i were to cause you problems. i know i feel stressed sometimes when people need my help or want to be my friend because of the effort it takes. i can usually only extend my true friendship and support to a few people at a time. anymore, and i feel overwhelmed and way stressed. so if your honest answer is that you'd rather i didn't bother you, i completely understand and would not hold it against you in the slightest.

i tend to over-analyze things, so i feel a need to explain a lot more than what most people require because i want to be thorough. i have an anxiety about people not liking me, too. i don't know what that's called, but i'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it on friday.

thanks again for a very enlightening and encouraging post!

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Jul 07, 2009 3:17 am

Thanks just jen. The website is pretty good, it tells you how to approach it but it also suggests to start of saying you chose to follow through on a ritual or distraction behavior. This is to get you to realize that you have power over it as opposed to blaming yourself. (I know this is in the website but i'm just emphasizing it).

Funny i thought of that movie too when i came here. It is nothing like that at all, not even really that lonely. We have activities like cooking, videogame playing, going to the ymca, going for walks and other things. I'm not permitted to spend too much time outside but i can go out for 30 minutes 3 times a day by myself. They don't put you in padded rooms, tie you to your bed, and the people here are not disturbed like that...at least not on the floor i'm on (they put me on the floor with psychosis patients as there was no more room on the mood/behavior floor which would be where i would have went). They are pretty happy and for the most part friendly (cept for a few people but you'll find that everywhere).

Sure you can PM me and keep in mind i may not respond right away. I do have a limited ammount of tolerance for helping people out but this is mostly in person or over the phone. I have the choice on wheather to respond to PMs or not or when. Also keep in mind that the way i view things and perceive things are likely to be very diffrent so i wouldn't worry about upseting me. I will let you know but I do appreciate the considerateness thank you.

I still over analyze things but not as much as before so i know where your coming from. I also explain to the point where i'm sure i cover everything cuz i'm afraid of conflict.

Anxiety about liking people from what i've learned and experienced is that it comes from the problem of only getting approval from outside ourselves. I could be wrong with this but it has helped me tremendously. I've pretty much overcome this using a tally/wrist counter and clicking everytime i did something that I specifically approved of regardless of if it felt amazingly good or not and if regardless of if people responded positively or not. Very effective but it is recommended to do this for 2-3 weeks everyday. I ended up doing 5 myself as i didn't even pay attention or keep track of how long i was doing it. The only title i would even consider for this would be social anxiety but it seems like something else and only feeds into the social anxiety aspect.

Your welcome! I'm hoping to get some more in while i'm here at the health center.

Mike aka Ninjafrodo

johntroz · Post by **johntroz** » Tue Jul 07, 2009 2:51 pm

I am here trying to figure this out. I do agree with you, prayer is powerful. Two thumbs up for you...

Originally posted by sunset34:
I get confused with this. I mean in any situation you can do something to change it. Praying for it is even something that can bring a change.
You can't change reality like when someone dies in your family or someone suddenly gets sick with a disease. That is basically what I am talking about.

We CAN, however, change our perspective or our reaction to life but we can't control everything that happens all the time.

Kind of like "when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade".

I don't find this confusing at all. To accept what we can, accept what we can't and make a decision to react in a more positive way.

We always have the choice to change what we don't like by the reaction we choose.

I agree-praying can bring change!

sweetpeach · Post by **sweetpeach** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 3:03 am

I have been dealing with scary feelings for a long time and it is nice to hear about people who can relate to me. I've dealt with a lot of negative things in my life. Now, I'm at a point in my life where it is time to change.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:34 am

sounds good sweetpeach. There is an interesting thing i just read the other day which was

"The quest to eliminate the spike is probably the greatest cognitive misconception that people bring to the therapeutic process. Ultimately the goal of CT for OCD is to manage the spike (i.e. mental risk) effectively not to focus on its existence or disappearance. Thus, relief-seeking increases the person's vigilance towards his or her anxiety. Tolerating anxiety focuses on creating room for the experience. Making room for its presence allows the brain to focus on other information. "Anxiety not focused on, is anxiety minimally experienced."

And

A critical aspect of this therapy focuses on the premise that the responses to the disorder are not designed to make it "go away." Rather, by perpetuating the condition this perspective allows the anxiety to burn itself out due to lack of reinforcement (removal of the escape response). The idea is that the less one toils with the bully the greater the likelihood that the bully will find someone else to pick on.

The most interesting was this though

The reduction in anxiety will happen naturally and spontaneously, once the person genuinely accepts the initial increase in anxiety. When you feel anxious it is important to: 1) rate the level of discomfort on a scale from 1 - 10; 2) Describe the anxiety in terms of what is actually going on in your body (rapid heart rate, sweaty palms etc.); 3) assess your willingness to allow for the anxiety to be there at this level (i.e. "Hey its only a 5, no problem I've successfully dealt with 7's"); and 4) assess your willingness to have this amount of anxiety dwell for a specified time period (i.e., "At this level I'm sure I can allow it to be there for at least 30min. At 3:30pm I'll reassess my tolerance"). By engaging in this process one rises above the experience, creating a more manageable distance and less discomfort. Paradoxically, the chances of obtaining relief is increased the less one seeks it out.

http://www.ocdonline.com/definecbt.php

Hope this helps!!!

Mike

Celyon · Post by **Celyon** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 4:07 am

BRAVO!!!!!KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. I appreciate you sharing your feelings with us Mike. I haven't been online in a while. I am feeling pretty good, but because I am bipolar I keep looking to crash. I am in week 13 and still love the program. I will start from the beginning after week 15 and look for new and different ways to apply what I am learning.

I am surrounded by negative people in my life. I try to lift them up, but I mostly just stay away from them. My children are the worst. They are so used to me being depressed they can't stand the new me. I guess it's because they are suffering from depression now and I can't stand to see them like this. Okay I'm rambling. I look forward to hearing your progress Mike. Take care.