Traveler1,
I would suggest giving up on the idea that your husband is going to support you in your recovery. Accept it for what it is and move on with your own recovery, without him being emotionally supportive. It is harder, but it still is possible.
If hubby is going to overreact to road and highway situations you might want to close your eyes when he drives so you don't see what he is doing and don't suffer panic/anxiety. Or find someone else to drive you. When you have recovered enough to drive yourself then you won't have to bother with his antics any more.
I'd suggest seeking not to react to his behavior but to accept what is and try and get better on your own. Just "expect" him to overreact, get angry, yada, yada, yada, and seek to get on with the business of recovery. Try and let it go in one ear and out the other. Tell yourself, "What did I expect? Ofcourse he's going to respond the way he always has. The dufus." Lower your expectations of him. Comfort yourself. Say things like, "I am strong, I am committed to getting my life back. I am working at it daily. I accept who I am and where I am at. I don't need his support to feel better. I can and will feel better and it depends on no one but myself. Thank goodness I am learning skills to work out of this and recover. "
Sorry he is not supportive. It does hurt, been there to some degree. All I could do was get on with my recovery the best I could.
Our own self-esteem and self-worth can not be dependent upon anyone else and their behavior if we want to live lives of balanced healthy emotions. If it is dependent upon something outside of us, such as a spouse, our moods will be subject to their behavior and we will be on a roller coaster of emotions, none of it controlled by us. Without realizing it we have yielded control of our emotional stability to others and/or to circumstances. It doesn't work.
In time the program can help you develop healthy self esteem not dependent upon others' recognition of it and you will feel a lot better about yourself and your life.
My Spouse Doesnt' Understand!!!
-
Guest
Don57,
Thanks for the encouraging thoughts. I was between laughter and tearful with you words. Laughter because seeing my explaination through someone elses eyes it really ironic. I know the things you said, but because I live it just didn't want to accept it and move on. So thank you for the insight it was inspirational.. The tearful part because I know what I need to do and it will be hard. I don't want to rely on someone else for emotional stability. I want to find out where "I" went. Got lost somewhere. Thanks again. How far are you in the program?
Thanks for the encouraging thoughts. I was between laughter and tearful with you words. Laughter because seeing my explaination through someone elses eyes it really ironic. I know the things you said, but because I live it just didn't want to accept it and move on. So thank you for the insight it was inspirational.. The tearful part because I know what I need to do and it will be hard. I don't want to rely on someone else for emotional stability. I want to find out where "I" went. Got lost somewhere. Thanks again. How far are you in the program?
-
Guest
I have had it for about 8 years. I was very dependent upon others opinions for my own self worth and didn't realize the problem. It's the way I was since I was a child. Anger and unforgiveness were also a problem for me.
I hadn't worked in 7 years but was able to get back into the work force due to the program. I had to leave my work in late '06 due to ethical problems with management and haven't worked in 20 months. Not sure why. I know I've had some thinking problems, but nothing I've been aware of that really seemed to knock me on my butt. Am doing a lot better now since starting the program again about 2 weeks ago. Been working on my garage for a month. Hope to be looking for a job after I get it finished, either for someone else or self employment. I feel like I'm about 75 to 85%, but it would be nice to improve a little more. Hopefully the program will help me solve the mystery.
My wife is a great person, but.............. lol. There's never ever been much emotional support and she's not interested in the "partner" parts of the program. She likes me when I am up but not when I am down. Guess I'm not who she thought she was marrying. It works both ways. It's not that she's trying to hold me back. It's been a blessing in some ways. I don't look to her for emotional support, I look to myself. But, I seek to forgive perceived non-support. Holding grudges is self-destructive. It is like taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. I think my wife loves me. I left several times a few years ago, only to return the next day. I felt worthless to everybody and at times it got the best of me. Desperate people do desperate and stupid things at times.
I'm sorry your husband is acting the way he is. If it were me, I'd get pissed and determined to recover and leave the s.o.b. Then I'd get over being pissed but still be committed to work on recovering and leave the decision concerning him until I got a lot better. Anger at times is useful to motivate us. It's a sign we are being disrespected. It can be useful if channeled into your recovery and can aid you in becoming more indepedent emotionally.
It sounds like you have a sense of self and self-worth. The program can help you build more self-esteem and get you more in touch with you again.
My apologies for anything I said which may have hurt your feelings. I try to be understanding because I've had psychologists who weren't.
I hadn't worked in 7 years but was able to get back into the work force due to the program. I had to leave my work in late '06 due to ethical problems with management and haven't worked in 20 months. Not sure why. I know I've had some thinking problems, but nothing I've been aware of that really seemed to knock me on my butt. Am doing a lot better now since starting the program again about 2 weeks ago. Been working on my garage for a month. Hope to be looking for a job after I get it finished, either for someone else or self employment. I feel like I'm about 75 to 85%, but it would be nice to improve a little more. Hopefully the program will help me solve the mystery.
My wife is a great person, but.............. lol. There's never ever been much emotional support and she's not interested in the "partner" parts of the program. She likes me when I am up but not when I am down. Guess I'm not who she thought she was marrying. It works both ways. It's not that she's trying to hold me back. It's been a blessing in some ways. I don't look to her for emotional support, I look to myself. But, I seek to forgive perceived non-support. Holding grudges is self-destructive. It is like taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. I think my wife loves me. I left several times a few years ago, only to return the next day. I felt worthless to everybody and at times it got the best of me. Desperate people do desperate and stupid things at times.
I'm sorry your husband is acting the way he is. If it were me, I'd get pissed and determined to recover and leave the s.o.b. Then I'd get over being pissed but still be committed to work on recovering and leave the decision concerning him until I got a lot better. Anger at times is useful to motivate us. It's a sign we are being disrespected. It can be useful if channeled into your recovery and can aid you in becoming more indepedent emotionally.
It sounds like you have a sense of self and self-worth. The program can help you build more self-esteem and get you more in touch with you again.
My apologies for anything I said which may have hurt your feelings. I try to be understanding because I've had psychologists who weren't.
-
Guest
I can relate too. My husband does not understand and does not want too.I have also struggled with an eating disorder for 15 years,(half of my life)and with alcohol. With the lack of support and help with our kids and the house work I do get upset and more frustrated,anxious and emotional because I'm not hearing the things from him I want. But I understand now that he will never understand or get how serious my problems are,because he dosen't want to believe I am really doing and feeling as bad as I am. I have to accept this and realize I can't stress and worry about how I can make him understand me,I'm just wasting my energy and time!!!
What I'm doing is staying sober for me and dealing with the anxiety from other resources to help me. I can only rely on myself to go out and get the help I need and not worry if my husband gets it or not. I have to remind myself that he can't change me and I am the only one that can make the right choses to do what I got to do to be well!!!
Sorry that went on. Support groups and talking to others that can relate is the safest time when I feel I can be me!!! I realize the more i tell my husband the worse I feel and downwards from there. I want to depend to much on him emotionally and i can't do that. i need to do my best and not worry what my husband thinks,this gets me too depressed and anxiuos if I live my life depending on his mood,which I've always done(he has his moodynesss and lack of interest towards a lot of things I want for our marriage,kids,future,and other marriage stuff). Any ways what I'm saying is to keep ourselves from worrying on if our loved one will understand and try our best to look to people who know how hard this is and people who care about what were all going through and who offer support and encouragement. Thanks!!!!!
I want to that everyone for all their post and if it's positive or negative stuff if still helps to hear what we all deal with.
What I'm doing is staying sober for me and dealing with the anxiety from other resources to help me. I can only rely on myself to go out and get the help I need and not worry if my husband gets it or not. I have to remind myself that he can't change me and I am the only one that can make the right choses to do what I got to do to be well!!!
Sorry that went on. Support groups and talking to others that can relate is the safest time when I feel I can be me!!! I realize the more i tell my husband the worse I feel and downwards from there. I want to depend to much on him emotionally and i can't do that. i need to do my best and not worry what my husband thinks,this gets me too depressed and anxiuos if I live my life depending on his mood,which I've always done(he has his moodynesss and lack of interest towards a lot of things I want for our marriage,kids,future,and other marriage stuff). Any ways what I'm saying is to keep ourselves from worrying on if our loved one will understand and try our best to look to people who know how hard this is and people who care about what were all going through and who offer support and encouragement.
Thanks!!!!!I want to that everyone for all their post and if it's positive or negative stuff if still helps to hear what we all deal with.
-
Guest
Lynne and Don,
Thanks again for the chat. It's been a few days since I've been on line due to work schedules but I appreciate the fact that I'm not alone and others are going throught similar things. I did a great job the other day of actually standing up for myself with him. I used to smoke. Quit about 4 years ago for medical reasons and never really craved to have another one. However, in Sept I went out with rotator cuff surgery and my husband had kidney stones removed and other family things were going on. All of a sudden I started craving cigs again. So started smoking again, quit again in Feb with an allergic reaction to the smoke. But can't shake the urge or need to puff every once in awhile. So, long story short I happened to ask for a puff of my husbands cig the other day and he had a major temportantrum about it. He threw a lit cig at me up over a railing and onto our deck. It upset me, so I yelled at him told him he was acting childish and to grow up. I picked up the cig, took a puff and threw the rest away. He was mad all night and next day. Just because I needed to speak with someone I spoke with my mom and she said it would have been the last time he did something like that. So does this constitute abusive behavior on his part, did I do something wrong other than pestering for a puff knowing I couldn't smoke a whole cigerrette or just something that I should just let go off. He has been in a better temperment after he got over "his moment".
This particular incident hasn't happened before, but others have which I've just let pass by. So my question is how do you know when it's you doing something wrong or when it's because of someone else? That external and internal stress thing. There are times when I can't seperate the two.
When I think about leaving, I get nervous, like there will never be anyone else. Then like you said Don, when I'm angry it's a great motivator. Just can't seem to make the decision. Scarred I guess.
Lynne: Good luck with staying sober. It's a tough hall, but you can do it.. Think of the kiddo's..
Have a great day...
Thanks again for the chat. It's been a few days since I've been on line due to work schedules but I appreciate the fact that I'm not alone and others are going throught similar things. I did a great job the other day of actually standing up for myself with him. I used to smoke. Quit about 4 years ago for medical reasons and never really craved to have another one. However, in Sept I went out with rotator cuff surgery and my husband had kidney stones removed and other family things were going on. All of a sudden I started craving cigs again. So started smoking again, quit again in Feb with an allergic reaction to the smoke. But can't shake the urge or need to puff every once in awhile. So, long story short I happened to ask for a puff of my husbands cig the other day and he had a major temportantrum about it. He threw a lit cig at me up over a railing and onto our deck. It upset me, so I yelled at him told him he was acting childish and to grow up. I picked up the cig, took a puff and threw the rest away. He was mad all night and next day. Just because I needed to speak with someone I spoke with my mom and she said it would have been the last time he did something like that. So does this constitute abusive behavior on his part, did I do something wrong other than pestering for a puff knowing I couldn't smoke a whole cigerrette or just something that I should just let go off. He has been in a better temperment after he got over "his moment".
This particular incident hasn't happened before, but others have which I've just let pass by. So my question is how do you know when it's you doing something wrong or when it's because of someone else? That external and internal stress thing. There are times when I can't seperate the two.
When I think about leaving, I get nervous, like there will never be anyone else. Then like you said Don, when I'm angry it's a great motivator. Just can't seem to make the decision. Scarred I guess.
Lynne: Good luck with staying sober. It's a tough hall, but you can do it.. Think of the kiddo's..
Have a great day...
-
Guest
It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong. Why would someone get upset when you ask for a puff? I don't get it. It must have triggered something inside of him. I quit smoking completely 7.5 months ago. I wasn't a regular, daily smoker, but enjoyed smoking cigars on occassion and would smoke cigerettes sometimes also. It was sporadic. I enjoy the taste, but am not addicted. I found out I had high blood pressure in late Oct of last year, so that's when I decided to quit. Time to stop something that is detrimental to my physical health.
It sounds like your husband has anger problems and the way he deals with it is to overreact and blow his stack. Getting upset on a regular basis and losing your cool is not normal, in my opinion. This is dysfunctional behavior. I do this on occassion also, but I recognize it is wrong and am trying to change. I seem to have regressed some since going through the program several years ago. I don't like myself when I blow it.
It souhds to me like you guys could use some marriage counseling. An independent third party could shed light on the real issues going on in yor marriage. It also doesn't sound like hubby wants to change his ways. You have to recognize you have a problem before you can change. Sounds like he is in denial that he has his own issues. Just because we work, provide for our family, and function doesn't mean we don't have issues we need to deal with. But, that is a pretty common thought processs of a lot of people, in my opinion, that if we are doing what society considers the most important that we are "okay".
I would suggest that the thought that you couldn't find someone else for a romantic relationship is garbage. That is low self-esteem speaking, not you. But, being in a relationship to feel "okay" about ourselves is not a good reason to be in a relationship. It shows we are emotionally dependent upon someone else to feel "okay". I think you have a way too low view of yourself, your capabilities, and talents. You are fully capable of taking care of yourself, with or without hubby, be it providing for yourself, being in a relationship, or whatever.
I view the idea of the husband being the financial provider and the wife the caretaker of the children as roles many of us have chosen to pursue because THEY WORK, not because the male is superior and the female is inferior. A team approach to a family works. Someone has to take care of the kids, so someone has to take on that responsiblity, just as someone has to provide for the family, so someone has to be assigned that one as well. But, I honestly don't see the female as needing to be dependent upon the male emotionally. That is a choice made by the female which is unhealthy.
Every person, male or female, needs to be responsibie for themselves emotionally. WE all have a "self", an identity seperate and apart from everyone else, and losing it to someone or something else just because you are not the main provider of financial support for the family is unhealthy, dysfunctional, and plain doesn't work. If you maintain that identity you know you are capable of taking care of yourself no matter what. If you don't, you can become emotionally dependent upon someone or something else and may come to believe that you aren't capable of taking care of yourself. AT that point, I would say you have lost touch with who you are as a person, as a human being, be they male or female.
It sounds like your husband has anger problems and the way he deals with it is to overreact and blow his stack. Getting upset on a regular basis and losing your cool is not normal, in my opinion. This is dysfunctional behavior. I do this on occassion also, but I recognize it is wrong and am trying to change. I seem to have regressed some since going through the program several years ago. I don't like myself when I blow it.
It souhds to me like you guys could use some marriage counseling. An independent third party could shed light on the real issues going on in yor marriage. It also doesn't sound like hubby wants to change his ways. You have to recognize you have a problem before you can change. Sounds like he is in denial that he has his own issues. Just because we work, provide for our family, and function doesn't mean we don't have issues we need to deal with. But, that is a pretty common thought processs of a lot of people, in my opinion, that if we are doing what society considers the most important that we are "okay".
I would suggest that the thought that you couldn't find someone else for a romantic relationship is garbage. That is low self-esteem speaking, not you. But, being in a relationship to feel "okay" about ourselves is not a good reason to be in a relationship. It shows we are emotionally dependent upon someone else to feel "okay". I think you have a way too low view of yourself, your capabilities, and talents. You are fully capable of taking care of yourself, with or without hubby, be it providing for yourself, being in a relationship, or whatever.
I view the idea of the husband being the financial provider and the wife the caretaker of the children as roles many of us have chosen to pursue because THEY WORK, not because the male is superior and the female is inferior. A team approach to a family works. Someone has to take care of the kids, so someone has to take on that responsiblity, just as someone has to provide for the family, so someone has to be assigned that one as well. But, I honestly don't see the female as needing to be dependent upon the male emotionally. That is a choice made by the female which is unhealthy.
Every person, male or female, needs to be responsibie for themselves emotionally. WE all have a "self", an identity seperate and apart from everyone else, and losing it to someone or something else just because you are not the main provider of financial support for the family is unhealthy, dysfunctional, and plain doesn't work. If you maintain that identity you know you are capable of taking care of yourself no matter what. If you don't, you can become emotionally dependent upon someone or something else and may come to believe that you aren't capable of taking care of yourself. AT that point, I would say you have lost touch with who you are as a person, as a human being, be they male or female.
-
Guest
-
Guest
I am having the same problem with my spouse. She has been through alot with me for the past 5 years and it has taken a toll on her. She has seen me depressed and down alot. I avoided everything that might have confrontation associated with it. I put a lot of responsibility on her. I went through the "I'll do better if you give me 1 more chance" many times. I guess she has heard that statement so much that she cant believe me now when i say that i know i have a problem and i am getting better. What do I do? what do I say ? She says that she just wants to be friends (not married). I don't know how to take that. My life is changing for the better in 1 sense, but i am so afraid that it is too late for us. Right now I am trying to give her some space. Do you have any suggestions for me? Please help
-
Guest
Hugh,
Sorry to hear of your spouse issues. It is difficult to know when to hang on or let go. It can be an emotional roller coaster.
I'm certainly not one to talk, but I think I'm figuring out slowly that by backing down and not wanting a confrontation that I am allowing my spouse to mold me into the type of person he is. I always was the type of person to stand up for the weak and downtrodden, children and elderly. I still do, but in some ways my spouses one way - its all about me attitude has been ingrained into me.
So now after 14 years I am trying to rebuild my own character. I certainly can not blame it all on him, I am also to blame. I allowed my principles, feelings and personal goals to be set aside to accomodate his feelings.
We actually had a very verbal arguement about a week ago when he told me again for the 100th time that if he was such a bad husband to divorce his as_! When I asked him why he blew up at me over nothing and why he keeps throughing that up when ever we have a dispute. He finally told me after all these years of doing it that it was to pi__ me off. I let him know that the next time he said that I would in fact divorce him. He is the type of person that will argue on his terms only. NOBODY likes to argue, if they do than something is wrong, but when you do need to vent it shouldn't be turned around on you that you to make it look like you are the bad person even when you say that you are venting. Sometimes you just need to vent.
Anyways..The same thing holds true for the good and bad days. My resolution right now is to not have him hold things over my head. I want him to be responsible for the things that he says to me. I also am trying to listen to the inner feelings I get when he says things like that. I figure eventually I will need to look out for myself and stop worrying about his responses and reactions. It's time to start thinking of me for once.
I don't know if this helps or not. Also read Don57 post as he made some vaild points as well.
One final note. It's hard to be a seeker of comfort from others when we don't really know what we are seeking comfort for.
Best wishes...
Sorry to hear of your spouse issues. It is difficult to know when to hang on or let go. It can be an emotional roller coaster.
I'm certainly not one to talk, but I think I'm figuring out slowly that by backing down and not wanting a confrontation that I am allowing my spouse to mold me into the type of person he is. I always was the type of person to stand up for the weak and downtrodden, children and elderly. I still do, but in some ways my spouses one way - its all about me attitude has been ingrained into me.
So now after 14 years I am trying to rebuild my own character. I certainly can not blame it all on him, I am also to blame. I allowed my principles, feelings and personal goals to be set aside to accomodate his feelings.
We actually had a very verbal arguement about a week ago when he told me again for the 100th time that if he was such a bad husband to divorce his as_! When I asked him why he blew up at me over nothing and why he keeps throughing that up when ever we have a dispute. He finally told me after all these years of doing it that it was to pi__ me off. I let him know that the next time he said that I would in fact divorce him. He is the type of person that will argue on his terms only. NOBODY likes to argue, if they do than something is wrong, but when you do need to vent it shouldn't be turned around on you that you to make it look like you are the bad person even when you say that you are venting. Sometimes you just need to vent.
Anyways..The same thing holds true for the good and bad days. My resolution right now is to not have him hold things over my head. I want him to be responsible for the things that he says to me. I also am trying to listen to the inner feelings I get when he says things like that. I figure eventually I will need to look out for myself and stop worrying about his responses and reactions. It's time to start thinking of me for once.
I don't know if this helps or not. Also read Don57 post as he made some vaild points as well.
One final note. It's hard to be a seeker of comfort from others when we don't really know what we are seeking comfort for.
Best wishes...