New to this program

[Toni Louise]

Well good morning everyone from the great state of Maine. I work as a Hospice Aide. I just lost my best freind, my one true freind that I could count on.She has been gone one week now. I am feeling relieved that this is over. The waiting for her to die is done. That one phone call came finally. She died of COPD and congestive heart, she was 51. I have been listening to the CD's in my car. I have been feeling down, no energy. I come home from work and I feel like doing absolutley nothing, zilch, nothing! I posted that I feel disgusted in myself. My clothes are tight and I feel ugly. I do alot of driving in my job. Lots of time alone, to think, to dwell.I have been feeling likeI want to pullover and take a cat nap and then proceed. I feel as if I am just going through the motions. Just doing my time, getting through the day.I cant wait to get home, shut the door and just slide to the floor. I have one plaguing thought. Who will be next to die? They say it usually goes in threes. SO who will be the next two? Just after Christmas, I had two panic attacks back to back the same day. I called 911 as I was afraid to get on the interstate. I was afraid I was going to die. afraid I was having a heart attack. I also have a condition called superventricular tachycardia. I have had this for over 30 years. I did not know if I was haivng a heart attack or a panic attack. I have been living in fear, constant fear of everything. Dread. DEATH..afraid..I dont take care of me. I have gained about 50 lbs since starting this job. Also my new person in my life, has health issues and I am in fear that he is going to die. He drinks at night. He is taking prescription drugs for lots of stuff and he is too having heart issues. It is as if I can not get away from death or the fear of it. I am a Christian. I can tellothers that they are all right, but I cant seem to beleive it myself. I analyze and over analyze when it comes to me. Anyhow, I am little disappointed that the CD"s I have listened to so far are not more in the teaching, rather than the testimonials. I am hoping this gets better.

[LFeddeler]

I too am new to the program. I admit I bought this one morning I was unable to sleep - that happens a lot with early morning programming for me. However, I hoped this could help me as being admitted to a behavioral hospital had helped somewhat (02/2011). The 11 day stint in the hospital did help with regulating my medications as I am bipolar. It also gave me some coping skills but 11 days is not a "cure" it is a "start".

Since I have gotten out of the hospital I have fallen into some of my previous bad habits. The need for perfectionsim, the feeling of "I'm not doing enough", thoughts of self-harm (although not to the degree that prompted my hospital stay), feels of extreme worthlessness, etc. I had hoped that a daily does of "positivity" may assist. I know I'm not alone out here, there are millions of people just like me that don't WANT to feel this way. I am also tired of hearing "well just DECIDE" to feel better, or just "buck up", etc. As if it were that easy. Do people feel/think that I WANT to feel like crying every day or having panic attack upon panic attack on a near daily basis feels fun? I agree with another post I read - anyone who sayd the average panic attack lasts between 5-13 minutes has never had one. They can last all day and vary in strength from moment to moment.

I just want to post something out here just to get some of the feelings and thoughts off my chest for the day, so to speak. Not every day is a struggle but more days than not are. I want to lie in bed all weekend just to rest from the stress and anxiety from the week before. I want to be a participant in my own life now, not a bystander.

Thoughts? Comments?

Laura

[sparechange]

I am a Christian. I can tellothers that they are all right, but I cant seem to beleive it myself.

I have the exact same problem, Toni.

We are very hard on ourselves. Sometimes in our lives, just getting up and "going through the motions" of the day/week/month is a real victory that can and should be savored. Of course, we decide that's not good enough and start beating ourselves up because we're not as happy as we "should" be. Keep going through those motions though. Lower those expectations of yourself and just let yourself "float" for a little while.

Do you exercise at all? I can guarantee that will make you feel better about yourself, even if you don't drop 50 lbs in a week. Don't set unrealistic expectations or compare yourself to that girl you know who runs 12 miles a day, just start doing it a little bit at a time and focus on the fact that you are taking healthy steps.

Now, if I could just believe these things for myself, maybe I could make it through this day.

[Toni Louise]

Thank you for my first reply, I have laready listened to the first 5 CD,s as I spend alotof time traveling. Iam now trying to talk myself out of sending this back. I am feeling guilty for spending the money for this. I am feeling conflict. I have the shoulds today. I should be able to trust GOD to help me. I should not feel so weak and "just trust GOD". I am my own worse enemy.

[dombranelle]

I think there are so many of us feeling this way. As I sit here typing I feel anxious.... I admit these cd's have helped me have less panic attacks. I am on cd# 4 and kind of stuck there do to laziness, three kids, husband.. work... I need to get back to listening to them. Toni, I agree with you about trusting God. I think that is the reason I keep pushing to get better. The more you help yourself, the more God will help you through. I am going to start going to church along wiht continuing this program and just trying to be more positive as much as possible. Be well!

[Toni Louise]

I try so hard to stay positive. It is a daily struggle lately. I feel I am overload. Positive for the patients in my job, positive to keep plugging away at everyday stuff.Just when I feel likeI have a grip on this, whamo something else happens. I cant stand to listen to the news, watching tv period for the most part. Seems as if everyone is experiencing STRESS in one form or another. I have this reacuring dream that I am working feverishly to clean and organize the place I am at in my dream. The harder I work to get things right, the less those around me do to help. It is as if I am superwoman and I have to be the one to do it all. I have become a hermit. I avoid people who are in crisis. I am becoming cynical of people in general. My job sucks, I want to be somewhere different in my life. I see why nurses burn out, I see why mental health workers burn out. A person can only take just so much negative. I have been eating peanut butter by the spoonfuls, I even added sugar to cover the peanut butter. And then I go to bed to sleep. I put it in the grabage and dug it back out! I use food for comfort. To calm me. It is the one thing I can control. Or so I feel. I am drained. I was listening to CD's on the 50 mile drive I take to get to my first patients. I found myself telling Lucinda to calm down, that her excitedness was winding me up. She is hyper. I found her interruptions of the speakers to be irritating to me. I found my self saying, be quiet and let them talk. I tried two days to go without caffiene, I was really depressed and felt so sleepy,I struggled to stay awake on the 50 mile drive to the first patients. I know I need to make some changes.. the circle of this anxiety needs to break somewhere for me. I also resent that I have to drive the 50 miles when there are facilties right here in my town that I can be there in 5 minutes, I have asked to have my assignment changed, but no change as of yet. I am now driving a total of 2.5 hours a day and 135 miles round trip. I get paid to drive 50 miles and one hour of travel.I resent this immensley. I resent alot of things in my life right now. Wow I am on a negative roll.....

[uniqueflower]

I don't like listening to other peoples stories or action, makes me anxious they drag it out so long. maybe cd3 will be better
than the first 2. would like to get the ball rolling fasteer called the line an was told to skip to cd3 an cd8 will help me understand an have better tools. we will see.....sounds like AAA went there 2 times all experiences people have, i really am not intrested in stories, interested in getting rid of these cold sweats an showering 5 an 6 times a day.....getting a new life....finding out why im so anxious an why??? everything overwhelmps me. good luck to u all i sure need it, anything is worth a try.

[dombranelle]

Hi Toni... I completely understand how you feel.. I also try my hardest to avoid any negativity... i don't watch the news, unless I walk by the TV and my husband is watching. I work as a quality tech. The Job itself is not stressful, but the people are. Everyone has a "story" or a complaint every single day and I work nights so That makes me Super anxious! I have some good days where I might have a little anxiety, But those darn panic attacks always sneak up on me! I have started to become very apathetic.... I just want to tell people sometimes... whoopty do.. I don't care.. but thren I feel bad for even thinking it. It is very hard to stay positive, but I have to try! I hope we can help each other through... all of us on here.... I agree with the hyperness of the cd's but I am still stuck at 4... hope you have an ok week... take care

[mmejias35]

Hi all,

I can relate to what each and everyone is saying. I just started cd3. I have been having panic attacks for 12 years and i saw this program and decided to try it. I believe the mind is so powerful and its easy to become addicted to negative thoughts. I am not addicted to positive ones yet but i do see a change in myself. I try to be more encouraging to myself and say, "No one is grading your life. You make the rules, who cares what others think." In the end, no one really thinks about what anyone is really going through unless you tell them. Meaning, If i have a panic attack in public, most likely no one will even notice so why do i care what they think? I have anxiety in the morning too. I have to calm myself down or I will keep myself in the house all day and it will get worse. At least you guys get up and go to work. That is wonderful in itself! I know that you feel that you have to but think of it as a positive thing you are doing for yourself. Say, " Okay, I don't feel good but I am at work so at least i didn't allow the way i feel to keep me home. I am proud of that". Even if you do stay home, its okay. Just remember you all are so important. You all mean something and I believe you are good people. We are going through this together. And it does get better. I will pray for all of us. I know it gets hard, but if we are still here at the end of the day, we are the stronger ones.