Finalizing a divorce

fightback76 · Post by **fightback76** » Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:24 pm

I am having a lot of sadness and anxiety about the next few days.

I separated from my husband back in the summer. Largely due to the fact that I stopped using drugs (weed only) a year before that and he showed no signs of ever wanting to stop. I was living in the same home where weed was smoked on a daily basis. I was trying to live a more positive life and I realized that as comfortable as I was I HAD to cut the cord and move on with my life.

I could not go out and preach clean living and positive values in my job and come home to drugs. I felt as if there was a big secret that could come out and hurt me and I got strong enough to realize I needed to leave after a year of not smoking.

So I've been separated for close to a year - I didn't think I was going to survive at first and had panic attacks for DAYS in a row without stopping for about 30 days. I couldn't relax anywhere as I had moved in with an old high school friend and felt I was imposing. So I lost my home, my husband, and what was really devastating was the loss of my cats. Also the new financial burden and obligation to start looking for a new apartment was overwhelming.

Anyhow, tomorrow night I am going to a lawyer/aquaintance to fill out the papers. That is a bit intimidating. And then I think I will have to go face my ex and ask him to sign. BRUTAL.

Also, he is moving out of our old apartment and wants me to come by and sort through some things he wants me to pick up. I feel really terrified of this and am not looking forward to this. I feel like I need a week off to get my feelings in perspective...I don't feel capable of doing any of these things and being able to be the positive cheery self people are used to seeing (I put on a great front, inside I am not usually as happy as people think I am...)

I am also struggling with the idea of being "divorced" - not so much what it means to others as what it means to me about myself - fears of consistency, committment - fear of making the right decisions in the future...

Any advice, support, would be great...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:30 am

I don't have great advise, but I've been through a similar situation with a boyfriend.Stick to your values, and One day at a time. Use your cards for how to control the panic attacks.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 7:20 am

I'm sorry for your situation. I've been there twice. It's not easy. Now would be a good time to stay on session 3 with the self talk and also the what if thinking practice. Try the positive 'what ifs' Lucinda has mentioned. - Imagine good 'what if' outcomes. Is there a way you could have the ex put everything in a box and just pick it all up so you don't have to go there and sort thru everything? Could he go to the atty's office to sign the papers in lieu of you giving them to him in person? Divorces can bring up a lot of self doubts and soul searching. I was devastated over my first one and truly did not think I would survive. The feeling of loss was overwhelming. Well, I'm still here and doing well and it ended up being a good thing. I learned a lot about myself and how competent and resourceful I really was. Allow yourself to grieve and it eventually will run its course. I cried for a long time.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 8:12 am

AND DON'T SHOULD ON YOURSELF!!!

So what if peoiple think you SHOULD be happy and you SHOULD be able to do this...if you can't bring him the papers - get the attorney to call him and ask him to go there to sign them. If you feel like you need some time off to handle this...don't listen to your negative thoughts (or anyone else's!) that say you SHOULD be able to plow through this. This is a difficult, exhausting process of events that you are going through. Be kind to yourself through this! You made a wise choice based on a new positive lifestyle and life that you are pursuing! Stand your ground. You can do this!

But again, be nice to yourself during the process. Take a long hot bath, buy a treat for yourself, sleep in late, rent a favorite movie...something to pamper yourself and ease the stress.

It's going to be OK. Keep using your skills.

Blessings,
Dawn

~*schnauzermom*~ · Post by **~*schnauzermom*~** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:11 pm

hi,
know how you feel ging throuh a divorce.it bring the panic attacks and anxiety back and when you get through with it you will feel so much better. i was married for over 30 yrs and all that time she ran aroun. i was not perfect but i wanted to hang in there. but she wanted me to leave. so i did and now i am remarried to the most wonderful lady in all the world..
you can over come this and if your firend is a lawyer. let him have the sheriff drop off a copy at his house and have him served. i did that with my ex. hope that helps you. take care and be blessed. you can do this and we will be there to help support you in prayer..
don

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:51 pm

Hi - I was in the exact same situation except that he and I were not married. Have courage and be true to yourself, the rest will work out. What pushed me to act on my decision to leave and to find the strength to do it was when I found some additional, uh, substances that he was using. I was frightened as to what it all meant for me as a clean person, a professional, and maybe one day the mother of "that thing's" children?! I couldn't take the stress anymore. The bad/ negatives far far outweighed the good and hopeful. Don't let the logistics of it overwhelm you. Get some help with those- for example, I had my uncle and one of his good ol boy friends go and get my stuff from our home when I was not there. I told our landlords that they might reconsider keeping him there due to shady activities so they took care of him and he left. I washed my hands of him, of drugs, and am living and feeling new. Good luck!! You're going to walk through this. A quote from Winston Churchill: if you are going through hell, keep going.

~*schnauzermom*~ · Post by **~*schnauzermom*~** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:42 pm

Hello There Fightback, I have recently gone through a divorce. After a 25 year marriage.It has been hell. Not a simple one. We have sold our home. Paid attorny fees. I have depression. Drink too much.And have started panic attacks.It is a whole new world for me.Not good.Am going to try the attacking anxiety program and hope i can get some answers and relief. It belonged to my ex-wife. I can't get used to calling her my x. We both knew it was coming,and have talked about it for a long time.I am glad it's over,but these new feelings are something that are going to stay around for a long time. All advice welcome here, and good luck to you. Louie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:49 am

louie,
i made it after a 3 year marriage and gave her the ouse. then i found out that was where all my panic and anxiety that i used to have came from. i had it as a child and growing up but it left until what i went through with her and other things.look at it this way. she left you the program. that may be what will help you through the panic and anxiety. at least you will get a positive out of it..go through the program and it will help you so much. do not let what you wen through get you down rather let it lift you up. take care and let m know how you are doing. read my profile and it wil help you understand a little of what i went through . be blessed.
don

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:50 am

louie,
i meant 33 years and gave her the house. sorry. and i do call her my ex lol..

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 29, 2008 6:21 am

Hi There *D*, Thank you for the support. 33yrs. is a long time.I read your profile.You have been through a lot.Looks like you are doing ok now though.I don't miss her.I do miss the house,and our mutual friends.Nights are so lonely and that is when i give in and start drinking.Have no interest in doing any of the things i used to do. I have dated a few times,but i'm boring now.Did this program help you? How long does it take? I feel better talking to someone who has been there. Thank You,Louie