My story... Maybe you can relate.... anxiety and eating

[finishline]

On July 12th 2008 My 23 year old sister passed away very unexpectedly. She went to the hospital with a stomach ache and never came home. That morning I was told the news by my grief stricken parents and my first reaction was sickness. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. That seemed to be start of what i like to call my "problem". Now at that time I was in a very stressful job position that involved running a multi million dollar company and opening expansion offices in near by cities. I took a little time off of work after her passing but threw myself into my work as thats all I could do. I was obviously filled with grief, but the thing I didn't tell anybody is that I felt guilty. I felt that it should of been me going into the ground. My sister was fun loving person that cared more for the people around her then herself. She had just landed a job as a live in nanny for a family with 13 children 600 miles from home. Her heart was as big as the world. Then theres me, a hard working, hard living divorced 30 year old man who knows nothing more in life then to work and count his money. I felt that it was unfair... I mean I had nothing productive to give to anybody but myself. While she was going to dedicate the next 3 years raising 13 children for a family being torn apart by military service obligation, and make peanuts doing it.
I wasn't aware of these thought in the moment, but as time went on they came to the surface. I knew I wasn't feeling right... I stopped sleeping, had no energy and turned to booze to help me go to sleep at night. I was constantly on the road, spending nights in hotels for work and had nothing else to do. I worked 12 hour days usually alone, went to the hotel and worked more... It was like this for months. I started getting sick almost every morning. My body wasn't right. I thought it was from alcohol but I wasn't drinking a case of beer every night!! Even if I didn't drink i still had the sickness. I would feel 100% times better after vomiting and would go on with my day. Then i found that it would get worse if i ate or drank coffee in the morning. I became afraid to eat in public incase this sickness came over me(but only in the morning). Then one night I was meeting a old friend for dinner while out of town and found myself running to the bathroom after two tastes of my dinner. I was so embarrassed and became so afraid of it happening every time I ate. So i stopped... I had to figure out who i could eat with and feel safe and who i couldn't. I also find that alcohol would numb my anxiety and i'd be fine (not healthy I know). So if I was going out with friends for dinner I'd make sure I was feeling "alright" before I ate my meal. Then i'm usually fine.

On December 5th 2008 I lost that job that I was so involved in. Partially due to my inability to be flexible and the fact that I'm a control freak. You know.... If you need something done right you do it yourself. It was a bit of a blessing in disguise though. I was lucky enough to be in a position to not worry about needing a job ASAP. I decided i was going to take a little time to get my head straight. In 2009 I traveled, went on like 6 amazing vacations and for the first time in a long time felt no stress. I took a job working for a house painter and loved it!! I knew I couldn't survive doing this work forever, but in the meantime it was great. I went from managing 100 people and a jr. exec level salary to working along side the type of guys i managed for a hourly rate that was at first a joke to me. But NO STRESS!!!! I still watched what and when i ate, held off on coffee and sometimes felt that cloud around my head. But, at the time I remember thinking I never felt better. Time has passed and the attacks came back. A great romantic relationship that ended as apruptly and badly as they can threw me into a tail spin again. My guilt never me i just put it on the back burner... The morning sickness became as bad as it ever was and the panic attacks rooted down in my life once again. I was at my breaking point I had no other place to go... I didn't really know what was wrong. I never wanted to admit to depression or anxiety issues. Until one day.... I picked up a book from my shelf and start reading back through it. It was "howto stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. I was lucky enough to take a human relations course a few years back and that was part of the curriculum. This was right before my sister passed and i remember feeling better then i ever have in my life. the course changed my life then. I was a negative person always projecting what was wrong or will be wrong in the future. In Biz this helped me forecast problems, but it ate me up inside. But, reading this book i remember a conversation I had then with the boss who 6 months later fired me. I asked do you think I've made some improvements during the course? He laughed and told me that he "doesn't even recognize me anymore" and that i was a "changed man that people like to be around now rather then scared of". This though reminded me three years later of one thing... Change is possible... change is good... So i started to look for any outlet i could find that could help me with this change. And I found Lucinda!!! I am only a few weeks into the program, but I can already tell this is going to save my life. Literary!!!! Thanks for reading, I know it was long but i had to tell the story to people who understand. Thats the thing that has helped me so much already, knowing that there are people out there like me and do fully understand....

[Paisleegreen]

Hey, that's a great story, thanks for sharing! Right now I'm not able to eat as my stomach seems to churn. I also don't eat much that will set off anxiety body symptoms. So usually my diet consist of tuna on toast, egg salad sandwiches, eggs scrambled or over easy, and lean meats, such as chicken, beef, turkey. I also eat almonds and yogurt.

I never drank coffee or alcohol, and I now stay away from any type of soda due to the salt and sugar content. I'm watching my weight now that I'm in my mid 50's and my metabolism has slowed down along with my activity for the winter. I do know that if I go walking I feel much better, but I've been a pansy to walk outside in the cold. Hopefully, I will get outside as it is sunny and will be above 40*.

I have been a hermit somewhat since my first panic attack, but not totally, I'm just a different person since I went off of my anti-depressants. So I'm doing what I can to not have to take them again. Paisleegreen