Afraid my (potential) kids will be anxious/depressed

[ajh0215]

Hi all!

First, let me say that I consider myself one of the "success stories"! I dealt for 18+ years with depression and anxiety (I'm 28 now) until my grandma bought Lucinda's program for me. It was an absolute God-send and changed my life. I no longer constantly deal with the mess of emotions that ruled my life. That said, I still deal with some depression and anxiety sometimes, though all people do, I think. I'm having a real problem right now and hope you all might be able to help me.

Right now, I'm very concerned that any children I have someday (I don't have any kids right now, nor am I pregnant) will deal with the same issues with depression and anxiety that I have. This worry is much-exacerbated right now because I'm dating a man who also deals with anxiety. We're still in the getting-to-know-you stage, so we're definitely not in a serious relationship, though it could happen. I like him - he's fun and funny - but he worries *a lot*.

In short: I'm terrified that, should we get serious, get married, and have kids, our children will be as bad off as I've been because they'll get the "depression and anxiety genes" from BOTH of their parents.

[Guest]

Congratulations on your success with the program. I understand your fears but also believe you are what if-ing on this issue. Anxiety is a learned behavior not an inherited genetic flaw so that being said the very fact that you are concerned about your future children having anxiety and depression is in my opinion highly unlikely. You are well aware of the type of thinking that gets you into trouble. So as a scenario what would you do if your child said to you "Oh I can't do this, I'll never be any good at it". Would you not say anything and just let it go or would you maybe say something like "Hey I think you are doing a great job, you really ran fast in that race" etc. And try and teach them how to react to things from a more positive point of view? Just a silly example I know but the point is is that once you have gone through the program you get very very good about teaching your kids how to look at things from a more positive point of view and also teaching them to see a little humor in things when they do not go according to plan, which I might add most things do not. You are going to make a wonderful parent just by the very fact that this is a concern to you. That is huge and don't most of us wish our parents had the type of concerns you are having when we were young. Most of us would not be here right now. It does sound to me like you may want to go back through the program again to clear up any residual anxiety, what if-ing and of course the ever so famous fortune telling. So I say put away that crystal ball and go enjoy your boyfriend and let the future take care of itself. Also keep in mind that control is at the base of most all anxiety so you might want to go over that lesson again and adapt some additional skills so trying to predict the future outcome of things will not even come into play in your present relationship. This is strictly your anxiety here and nothing more than that. Try and stay in the present moment and let your relationship progress naturally and your relationship, your future and your kids futures will take care of themselves. One last comment. Is your boyfriend willing to work on his anxiety so that it does not affect you and your relationship which in turn may affect your decision making to some degree?

[stargazer]

Stress Center Home Stress Center Community Forums Everyone Welcome Parent to Parent Afraid my (potential) kids will be anxious/depressed

Contact Us | Stress Center Home | Privacy Statement | Terms of Service

WOW, sounds like you might want to introduce him to the program, and get a great headstart

[Guest]

Oh, not, thank you so much for your advice. I AM, of course, playing the "what-if???" game, a game I played SO well when I was at my worst! *lol* And I do still have some problems with control: Obviously, I can't control my friend (he's not technically my "boyfriend;" we're being very slow and deliberate) or my someday-kids or their reactions, but I can teach them everything Lucinda taught me.

And, itsnobigdeal, I'm going to share my program CDs with my friend; I've offered, anyway, and he said it wouldn't hurt. I don't know whether he'll actually listen and do the work, but I can do my part by loaning him the CDs.

Also, I listened to session one last night, about defining anxiety and depression. Thanks to your advice, not, I'm going to listen to all the CDs again.

Despite all this, I feel horrible today; I was doing SO SO SO well, and I feel like I've made a major slide back. There's guilt involved here, but mostly I'm still just wholly riddled with worry that, should I get serious with this friend, we marry, and have kids, that our kids will DEFINITELY be anxious and/or depressed because they'll inherit both my future-husband's AND my "bad" genes. I feel selfish and guilty for wanting kids when I know they could (will?) inherit my anxiety/depression genes, and, if my future-husband has my same issues, our kids will have a double-whammy of bad genes, you know? I'm not sure how "what-if?"-y this is and how actually, truly realistic I'm being. I feel like, if my kids (especially with my genes and an anxious/depressed future-husband's genes) develop severe anxiety/depression, that they'll committ suicide and it'll be my fault 'cause I knew better.

I'm seriously considering ending any possibility of an actual "boyfriend/girlfriend relationship" with my friend because of the potential mess our issues with depression and anxiety could get us into. Already, I feel a little like a babysitter, like the "strong one" while he deals with his worries. I know relationships are about give-and-take, of course, but I'm not sure I can be with someone who has my same problems. Then again, we could compliment each other perfectly, seeing as we both know how depression and anxiety feel, AND we would be amazing parents to depressed/anxious kids because we'll know all about it. BUT, I don't want my kids TO be depressed and anxious, especially because BOTH their parents will give them the bad genes should my current situation continue.

What should I do? *lol*

[Guest]

Just an update... I ended things with my guy friend last night. I truly don't know whether it is/was 100% anxiety-fueled or whether I knew deep down that we really wouldn't work out or whether it's some of both.

I was honest with him and explained my worries about our someday-potential-children and that I was having a lot of trouble with the fact that he and I are both depression- and anxiety-prone and how I feel like I don't have the strength to handle both myself and trying to help someone as important as a boyfriend would be. His response was that he never asked me for help, which I knew, but I told him I *wanted* to help. I should have said that when I see someone suffering, I naturally want to help.

Anyway, now my worries are for a different board (not the "Parent-to-Parent" board). To get it off my chest, though, I'm going to post here quickly: Now I worry that I am still unable to handle a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I've ended most of my relationships in the past, and all of the breakups have had a great deal of anxiety that lead up to them. Does that mean that my anxiety rules me in this area or that my anxiety is a sign that things aren't right or is it both?!

[natalie41]

ajh0215
It would be my educated guess that anxiety rules you in this area. When decisions are made while in the throws of anxiety those decisions are usually made based upon false fear and negative thinking which is what anxiety is (a bad habit). If say you wanted to end a relationship or make a move across the country and it is ruled by anxiety then I believe that any decision of that kind of importance should be made when the anxiety has been dealt with otherwise it is just running so to speak and as you said in your post all of your relationships have been this way so that to me is a clear indication that it is the anxiety and not necessarily the relationship. And remember anxiety is a bad habit so in my opinion you are getting something out of the anxiety without even realizing it. Possibly issues with commitment or control etc...and I believe you are using the anxiety subconsiously to avoid dealing with the real issues (which are in my opinion never ever as bad as the anxiety they cause). When decisions are made to relieve the anxiety the relief it brings is just temporary and the anxiety then focuses itself on something else even another relationship because the underlying issues are still there. I believe it is nearly 100% of the time the anxiety talking. I have noticed a very common thread since posting on this forum and that is that anxiety will typically focus on only the things that are most near and dear to our hearts, (and what better way to get our attention) and that I believe is because it is a wake up call to something we are not dealing with very well, stress, commitment, abondonment and the list goes on and on. Also please keep in mind that according to your last post you are already focusing in on something else so your anxiety is now scrambling to find another avenue to zero in on to keep you paying attention to the fact that something is bothering you and the anxiety is just a byproduct of the denial to the real issues. I hope this makes some sense and helps in some way. Honestly it is not as dramatic or even as hard to resolve as my post makes it sound, but the key to all of this I believe still lies with your completeing the program again. Until your anxiety is dealt with I believe your relationships will continue to suffer and that is unfortunate. So get going on the program and I would bet that once it is completed and you have stepped out of this anxious mindset with relationships as the main focus that you may very well give this guy a call and another chance. This was a tough post to write for some reason and I think it is because I do know what you are going through I have been in the exact same predicament myself but after I completed the program everything that had worried me and made me anxious before no longer held me hostage mentally and decisions were easy because they were not fear based. I just do not want to give you the wrong information so I am careful about what I say and how I say it, and most inportantly I am writing these posts based upon personal experience and the exact same questions and concerns as yours.

[Guest]

Hi ajh, sorry about the breakup. I saw it a little different I think. Looking all the way ahead to children isnt all bad. It interferes though with the steps of a relationship. Going out and enjoying each others company and letting nature take its course for instance. The deeper things will take care of themselves in time. I can relate so well to your story. I met my wife on this forum couple years ago. She is the love of my life and I thank GOD for her daily. Knowing each others "symptoms" has alowed us to help each other and actually grow closer together. She brought with her a 3 yr old she had adopted which also has been fantastic. So I guess what I am so inelequently trying to say is maybe next time around enjoy the present more and trust the future to itself.