can someone explain to me how child support is fair??

[Crave]

I've really been struggling with the anger associated with this one. It really makes me HATE my ex-wife, but I also know that this is not at all healthy. I'm hoping there is someone out there that can help me come to terms with this. As it is now, it just makes no sense to me, and I just don't think it is fair..

So in NY state (where my ex and I live), the law is to denote 17% of your combined salaries for child support of one child. Using our salaries, this amount works out to $1,875 per month. My share of this is $1,250 per month (I make roughly double what she makes), which is what I pay to her every month. My FIRST problem with this is: how the h*ll do you justify $1,875 per month for a 4-year old (for food, clothing, and shelter)??? Other than getting REALLY creative with the shelter costs, I just don't see how this could be remotely justified. My next biggest issue is that I have custody of my son 6 days out of every two week period, so I'm one day shy (in two weeks) of 50-50 custody. So what about the fact that I also have to provide for him during my parenting time? Why does she get ALL of this money? This is supposed to be CHILD support - not spousal support (alimony). My ex does not have to account for how the money is spent at all, not to mention I pay the taxes on it. I just feel like the amount goes way above and beyond what our son NEEDS, and ends up benefiting my ex in whatever way she sees fit.

I would do ANYTHING for my son, but I'm sorry, I just don't feel like I owe my ex anything. And to be honest, it's really not about the money, it's more about the principal unfairness of the whole thing. It's no wonder there are so many bitter, divorced Dads out there!!

Of course, it seems like everyone I talk to about this agrees with me, that the law is b-s, but maybe they are just appeasing me??

Is there anyone out there that can explain to me how this is fair???

[Guest]

Well i'm going to be like everybody else and say that it is definately unreasonable to expect you to pay so much for your son. It doesn't make sense so i doubt you'll find anybody to explain how it is fair.

So where do you go from this? What can you do? Can you eliminate the situation? Change the situation or be less effected by this? Which one is going to cause you the most stress and which one the least?


Mike

[Guest]

it doesn't make sense to me either? Is that monetary amount supposed to be what your worth or value is if you were in the same home?
My brother had the same situation in California and since there are sooo many dead beat dads leaving kids high and dry without food shelter and medical care, those "bad dads" have ruined it for all the good ones who would do Anything to provide for their children. I know my brothers lawyer was able on a few occassions talk with the ex and her lawyer to renegotiate some of those seemingly unreasonable requests.
Hang in there and know that this too shall pass.
Jill~

[Guest]

Hey Mike,

I know, I know. You sound just like Lucinda. I have REALLY been trying to be less effected by this, but any time my tight financial situation rears its ugly head (which seems to be way too often lately), I end up fixated on my ex, wondering how she could possibly have a conscience, and take so much of my money! This is the one thing in my life that really makes me lose it!! I end up having all these fictitious arguments with her and her family about how unfair it all is. Ugh. I know where you're going with this - I'm just having a REALLY hard time getting there..

John

[Guest]

Jill,

I have NO IDEA what that amount is supposed to be - that is part of my problem - I just don't get where it comes from. And you are right - the dead beat Dads have ruined it for all of us! BUT, does that really make a one-size-fits-all law necessary? I think a case-by-case analysis would be nice. But every lawyer I talked to told me that I would end up paying the 17%, whether I duked it out in court with her or not. So I chose to save my money, and not fight it, and just pay her.

I hope it does pass!!

Thanks.

John

[Guest]

As the program teaches, everything is not going to be fair.

The amount that you have to pay doesn't sound fair to me either. That sound way too much for you to have to pay when you have just about 50% custody.

As for her accounting where the money goes. A whole lot of men have problems with that one. Child support is not only for chilcare expenses. It's for the child, the home that the child lives in, the utilities that the child also uses, the telephone that the mom needs to have for emergencies, the child's clothes, food, toiletries, healthcare items, gas for doctor's appointments, for unforseen emergencies and so much more.

Men, you're not supposed to know how the woman spends the money. If she's a good mother, she'll do what's right.

Why should she have to report back with how she's spending money? She's a grown woman. When you married her and had a child with her, you saw something good in her. Now you just have to trust that there's still some of that good stuff somewhere in her and that she's going to use that money to benefit your child.

I know you don't want to hear this, but this is life. We have to learn to deal with things that's outside of our control. That's why we're on this site.

[Guest]

Unfortunatley there are also dead beat moms who do misuse that money and feed their children nothing but mac n cheese and clothe them with cheap clothes so they can get their fancy clothes for themselves and the latest gizmos and gadgets and nails done and on and on, While the dad lives in a dump eating frozen 99 cent dinners. You are right. Life isn't fair. What the whole mess of divorce should teach us is that marriage should be sacred, and not taken lightly. That all should be done to fix the relationship first, and that in the end its the children that are hurt the most with their loyalties being divided as they watch the two people they love the MOST be angry at each other. Divorce just stinks , thats all there is to it. And you are right. Life just isn't always fair. We can all just do our very best to keep our sanity and our dignity and integrity. And keep the kiddos safe and loved.
Sorry you are having to go thru all these changes Crave. It is hard but you will get thru it. It just takes a little time and prayer and a good support system. You got that here with us all.
J~

[Guest]

I am speaking in generalities by the way. Not at anyone here. I have seen the damage done by divorce in my life and in so many children that I have cared for over the years. It's just so sad.

[Guest]

My ex-husband owes me over 30,000 in back pay. Which I know I'll probably never see. My daughters are grown now. That's how long he's been oweing me that money.

He cooked up a scam so that he don't have to pay. He claimed he got hurt on the job, filed for disability, and has a real job getting paid "under the table".

He's not hurt. But they can't prove it. And they can't prove that he's working.

This man took the long way to be a deadbeat dad.

Crave,

You're a good father! At least you know your child is being taken care of properly. Let that put your mind to rest.

[Guest]

Wow, thanks Deedee!! I really needed someone to slap me around with the other side of this, and you did just that. I STILL don't think it's fair, but as Lucinda says, life is not fair. Tough pill to swallow..