disrespectfulchild
Its hard to relax my child constantly calls me names, tells me she hates me ,writes in her journal very disrepectful thing about me,disappears like shes missing after school/over to friends house everyday. She is only 12 years old. What can I do to help her cope with life. I worry because of choices she chooses could lead her in negative situations.
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Guest
taura....Im sorry that this is happening to you...Im sure its very hard for you to conquere your anxiety when your little girl is being so bad.....
Remember she is a LITTLE GIRL. At 12 she is stuck in that transition between kid and teen and its a hard transition to make for some.....I am guessing that she is trying to gain independence but in a nonproductive way....
My advice to you is to sit down and have a serious talk with her....if that seems to be to hard and she obviously likes to write in her journal then possibly you could write her a letter to start.
First start by saying I love you and I want us to have a better relationship so I am writing this letter to ask for a time to sit and talk.
Tell her that everytime she calls you names or is disrespectfull it hurts your feelings....that you want to be her freind and someone she can come to when she is upset or scared or happy.
Tell her that you understand her need for independence and you are willing to make some new agreed upon rules and allow her a little bit of her own choices....
Get involved in her life in a noncondeming way....ask how was school....go shopping together....watch her what are her interests....if your going to connect with a preteen/teen you need to get to her level.
I dont have a teen or a pre teen but my good freind does and she does an excellent job of connecting with her and still letting her be her own spirit.
There a tons of books in the library to read and Dr Phil has a website just search dr phil show and he has some terrific advice on how to do lifes things.
I hope that this helps you the best way to get her respect is to give it back to her.
PS...how did you know what she was writing in her journal? If you read it behind her back that was wrong and you owe her an appology for that.....there has to be somewhere that she can "safely" express herself and journaling is a great way! but for you to read her private thoughts is wrong......if you continue to invade her on that level believe me she will look for other ways to get rid of the tension and those may be seriously worse ways...drugs, sex...etc. Just an opinion of course..
Be a mother and freind....a strong mother show her how a woman should be and she might just follow.
Remember she is a LITTLE GIRL. At 12 she is stuck in that transition between kid and teen and its a hard transition to make for some.....I am guessing that she is trying to gain independence but in a nonproductive way....
My advice to you is to sit down and have a serious talk with her....if that seems to be to hard and she obviously likes to write in her journal then possibly you could write her a letter to start.
First start by saying I love you and I want us to have a better relationship so I am writing this letter to ask for a time to sit and talk.
Tell her that everytime she calls you names or is disrespectfull it hurts your feelings....that you want to be her freind and someone she can come to when she is upset or scared or happy.
Tell her that you understand her need for independence and you are willing to make some new agreed upon rules and allow her a little bit of her own choices....
Get involved in her life in a noncondeming way....ask how was school....go shopping together....watch her what are her interests....if your going to connect with a preteen/teen you need to get to her level.
I dont have a teen or a pre teen but my good freind does and she does an excellent job of connecting with her and still letting her be her own spirit.
There a tons of books in the library to read and Dr Phil has a website just search dr phil show and he has some terrific advice on how to do lifes things.
I hope that this helps you the best way to get her respect is to give it back to her.
PS...how did you know what she was writing in her journal? If you read it behind her back that was wrong and you owe her an appology for that.....there has to be somewhere that she can "safely" express herself and journaling is a great way! but for you to read her private thoughts is wrong......if you continue to invade her on that level believe me she will look for other ways to get rid of the tension and those may be seriously worse ways...drugs, sex...etc. Just an opinion of course..
Be a mother and freind....a strong mother show her how a woman should be and she might just follow.
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Guest
We had a great deal of trouble with our daughter at that age too. Our daughter was very uncooperative and disrespectful. She showed a dramatic change for the better after we took her out of school and attempted home-schooling. She suffers from social anxiety (and possibly other types of anxiety) and had complained about school for years and had asked to be home schooled for years. One day, in 10th grade she called me at work, crying. I said I would be there in minutes. That day I signed her out for home schooling. Within a few weeks she seemed to have a completely different attitude. She began to tell us she loved us and became much more cooperative. I must say the home schooling was not really a success, but I figured she would get an education when she realized it was important. Within a couple of years she decided to get her GED and she did! I think there were two factors that improved her attitude: (1) greatly reduced stress not being in school, and (2) much less contact with other children with "attitudes".
I an not suggesting you pull your daughter from school. I'm only suggesting there are options that seem out of the norm that may be helpful in improving life for both you and your daughter.
By the way, our daughter is now married and has a daughter of her own and is a very loving mother herself. She calls us at least once every day to share her life with us.
Best Wishes,
Steve
I an not suggesting you pull your daughter from school. I'm only suggesting there are options that seem out of the norm that may be helpful in improving life for both you and your daughter.
By the way, our daughter is now married and has a daughter of her own and is a very loving mother herself. She calls us at least once every day to share her life with us.
Best Wishes,
Steve
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Guest
As a mother of a 12 year old I can understand some of what you are going through. First thing I wanted to point out to you is that your child is not "BAD". She's going to test you and test you to see what she can get away with. In return you need to make her understand and feel the consequences of her actions! Another thing you may want to ask yourself.. are you sticking to your punishments if any are being laid down? To give you an example my brother was going through a rough time in his teen years and was being really disrespectful to my father, and these days you send a child to their room and that is not much of a punishment because sometimes sending kids to their rooms is fun to them because they have everything in their rooms now a days lol So my father took everything out of my brothers room...he had nothing but bedroom furniture in there, and a bed! And he told him you will earn the luxuries of your room back. You will earn privleges! I have taken the same course of action with my 12 year old and believe me it does wonders. At the end of the day they are going to have to decide whether their behavior warrants privleges! Another thing that I feel is very important..alot of parents today want to be their childs friend! Big mistake you can be friends after you raise them! Your a parent first friend later. I know this will be up for debate but here it goes anyway. When my son goes to school I surely do dig through his stuff I read his notes I read his journal...there is a trick behind this...you don't tell them that you have done it! But it just gives you a mental note of things to look out for and what they are up to and thinking. We can't read our childrens minds, and I believe privacy is earned to. You can have a wonderful relationship with your child with boundries and respect set to and still do mother daughter things with her. My 12 year old son and I have a wonderful relationship we talk about everything under the sun and goof off and act crazy but he knows at the end of the day that if he becomes a problem discipline wise that I will make his life...lets say not very fun! My son has 3 rules that I give him to live by: #1 His top priority is to do good in school #2 He's to respect himself #3 He's to respect authority figures! He knows that if he does those three things that things will fall into place. This is the way my father raised me and his mother raised him as a single mother with his brothers and sisters. I am a big fan of Dr. Phil as well and he does offer some wonderful material for parents. And his son does offer a book on his website for teens to read as well. Ive been meaning to order it for my son just havent done it yet. Parenting is a roller coaster but believe me it's manageble. TC Karen
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Guest
Dear Taura:
I am a mother of 3 children. God has blessed me with my 10 year old son, a 7 year old daughter and a soon to be 5 year old daughter. At 10 years old, I am already seeing shades of yearning for more autonomy and independance from my son. This sometimes manifests itself in what I consider inappropriate or a disrespectful tone of voice when talking with me.
I read the responses you have received so far and there is quite a range of advise being offered. As a parent, it is always one of our greatest challenges to seek the truth for our family, establish our own family rules and structure. This is tedious, often difficult and sometimes overwhelming. Children require this structure in order to feel safe and secure. I believe that as parents our primary responsibility is to model the behavior we expect from our children and to consistantly (even when it is very difficult and causes us great discomfort) provide loving and firm discipline and rewards for the behaviors and character qualities we want to develop in our children. Even though we often would rather just be our children's friends, I believe we are called to be their parents first. Yes, you can be your child's parent and friend sometimes, but sometimes these roles will temporarily conflict with each other. Your child's safety comes before your having a friendship with her. From what you described, it sounds like she is begging for the boundaries to be drawn, clearly and firmly (no waivering on consequences). When we define what the ground rules are, establish clear consequences and rewards AND deliver consistently those consequences and/or rewards, children know what to expect. This gives them a sense of security. A 12 year old is not mature enough to make decisions impacting her personal safety and is not able to comprehend the long-term implications of her impulsive actions now. This is your job as her mother. Please know that I am not in any way criticizing you as a mother. These are issues as parents we all wrestle with. I have immense admiration and respect for single parents that do not abandon their responsiblities as parents. Don't give up on yourself or your daughter. God gave you your daughter because He knew you were the perfect parent for her. You can help her through this rough time of seeking independance and autonomy, but in a safe and beneficial way that will help her to mature eventually into a young lady. My husband and I both believe in allowing our children to enjoy age-appropriate leves of privacy. However, if a child exhibits dangerous, destructive, or disobedient behavior, this would be a warning sign to us. We believe that privacy and respect is earned. If a child is respectful and responsible, we would not feel the need to read a journal, etc. However, if they show themselves to be disrespectful, irresponsible, and defiant, we feel that it is our responsibility as a parent to use whatever means necessary to gather the information needed to ensure their safety (drug testing, journal reading, talking to friends and parents of friends, etc.) We have ongoing discussions with our children, in age-appropriate language, about these issues, so they understand what is expected.
I hope I have been able to encourage you in some way.
Love, Faith
I am a mother of 3 children. God has blessed me with my 10 year old son, a 7 year old daughter and a soon to be 5 year old daughter. At 10 years old, I am already seeing shades of yearning for more autonomy and independance from my son. This sometimes manifests itself in what I consider inappropriate or a disrespectful tone of voice when talking with me.
I read the responses you have received so far and there is quite a range of advise being offered. As a parent, it is always one of our greatest challenges to seek the truth for our family, establish our own family rules and structure. This is tedious, often difficult and sometimes overwhelming. Children require this structure in order to feel safe and secure. I believe that as parents our primary responsibility is to model the behavior we expect from our children and to consistantly (even when it is very difficult and causes us great discomfort) provide loving and firm discipline and rewards for the behaviors and character qualities we want to develop in our children. Even though we often would rather just be our children's friends, I believe we are called to be their parents first. Yes, you can be your child's parent and friend sometimes, but sometimes these roles will temporarily conflict with each other. Your child's safety comes before your having a friendship with her. From what you described, it sounds like she is begging for the boundaries to be drawn, clearly and firmly (no waivering on consequences). When we define what the ground rules are, establish clear consequences and rewards AND deliver consistently those consequences and/or rewards, children know what to expect. This gives them a sense of security. A 12 year old is not mature enough to make decisions impacting her personal safety and is not able to comprehend the long-term implications of her impulsive actions now. This is your job as her mother. Please know that I am not in any way criticizing you as a mother. These are issues as parents we all wrestle with. I have immense admiration and respect for single parents that do not abandon their responsiblities as parents. Don't give up on yourself or your daughter. God gave you your daughter because He knew you were the perfect parent for her. You can help her through this rough time of seeking independance and autonomy, but in a safe and beneficial way that will help her to mature eventually into a young lady. My husband and I both believe in allowing our children to enjoy age-appropriate leves of privacy. However, if a child exhibits dangerous, destructive, or disobedient behavior, this would be a warning sign to us. We believe that privacy and respect is earned. If a child is respectful and responsible, we would not feel the need to read a journal, etc. However, if they show themselves to be disrespectful, irresponsible, and defiant, we feel that it is our responsibility as a parent to use whatever means necessary to gather the information needed to ensure their safety (drug testing, journal reading, talking to friends and parents of friends, etc.) We have ongoing discussions with our children, in age-appropriate language, about these issues, so they understand what is expected.
I hope I have been able to encourage you in some way.
Love, Faith
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Guest
I have dealt with a disrespectful child since he could talk. I have read many books and applied different parenting principles/skills for him and my other children. I realized that I was doing a lot of power struggling with him instead of side stepping the power struggle. My mom let us talk back to her (she wanted us to have a voice, but we did not respect her as we ought to have) and I did not want that in my family. She earned a degree in child development years ago and a masters in career counseling. She did give me a lot of helpful information, including giving me the book Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D. Dreikurs opens the minds of all parents to implementing real solutions. Chapter 3 is about encouragement and he states, "A misbehaving child is a discouraged child." The whole chapter gives examples of situations with different age children.
Besides reading, my son went to counseling for awhile and the school counselor worked with him. Now he is doing much better and his behavior has greatly improved.
One thing that I do respectfully disagree with in previous posts, is the reading of a child's journal. I feel that unless I want my child to read mine, I should not read theirs. The building of trust in a parent/child relationship is very important. We want to trust our children just as much as we want them to trust us. To me, reading a private personal outlet gives the message that we are not trustworthy or respectful. I am trying to be a better mom every day, even with the 3 steps forward 2 steps back, sometimes 4.
Dealing appropriately with a disrespectful child can be done and a more loving relationship can grow.
Please take care.
Besides reading, my son went to counseling for awhile and the school counselor worked with him. Now he is doing much better and his behavior has greatly improved.
One thing that I do respectfully disagree with in previous posts, is the reading of a child's journal. I feel that unless I want my child to read mine, I should not read theirs. The building of trust in a parent/child relationship is very important. We want to trust our children just as much as we want them to trust us. To me, reading a private personal outlet gives the message that we are not trustworthy or respectful. I am trying to be a better mom every day, even with the 3 steps forward 2 steps back, sometimes 4.
Dealing appropriately with a disrespectful child can be done and a more loving relationship can grow.
Please take care.