need advice on issue with adult daughter

yellowrose · Post by **yellowrose** » Sun Aug 24, 2008 5:48 am

I am new here and am seeking the advice on how to deal with an issue with my near 22 year old daughter. She still lives at home and is starting her last year of college. She goes to school full time and carries a 4.0 gpa, she works part time and is a beautiful young woman. The problem is that she has absolutely no friends. NONE. Not even a girlfriend to hang out with and share with. She has acquaintences, but whenever someone wants to get close to her physically or emotionally, she turns them away. This is also an issue within our family. Several family members want nothing to do with her because of her standoffish attitude because she appears to be uncaring. She has had 2 boyfriends in the past, but whenever the realtionship has turned to anything other than casual friendship, that is the end of it. She recently lost an opportunity with a wonderful young man because of this. He was everything good that a person could be but as soon as things turned more serious, she turned him away and hasn't heard from him since. She is obviously miserable and unhappy. She never goes anyplace besides work and school and spends most of her time at home in her room on internet social sites such as MySpace and Facebook. That is her only connection with anybody outside those in our home. Our biggest hope for her is that she finds someone to spend her life with who will love her for who she is, but that is never going to happen because she won't allow anybody to get close enough to her to even have a relationship. It is very apparent that she is lonely and miserable now. I try to encourage her in friendships in every way possible but it always ends in an argument. She can't seem to realize that the problem lies in her inability to let herself get close to someone. I am having a hard time dealing with this because I know she is so lonely and is headed for a lifetime of the same. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions anybody?

sml · Post by **sml** » Sun Aug 24, 2008 6:23 am

Hi Yellowrose - this disorder is definately genetic and I think you need to consider that she may be having some issues. There is a reason she will not let anyone get too close...because she is afraid that they won't like what they find. I too got straight As in college and always had a job to pay my way...but inside I was miserable. I would not let anyone get too close for fear that they would find out that I am not perfect and that I suffer with anxiety. Do not push her, that never works. Maybe introduce her to this program. Good luck and God Bless.

S. Yvette · Post by **S. Yvette** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 3:08 pm

Hi Yellowrose,

I suggest that you have a serious one on one conversation with your daughter and discuss your concerns. Please do it in a way that she think is loving and caring and not you trying to control her life. Share your own personal struggles with her. Let her know you can relate to some of the feeling you believe she has. Maybe you are at a time in your relationship that not only can you be mother and daughter but maybe even friends.

Good luck and i will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.

yellowrose · Post by **yellowrose** » Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:12 pm

Thank you everyone for your kind advice. This has surely been a huge struggle for our whole family in dealing with this. I have left out some of the details of this situation, but I am sure you get the basic idea. I have tried talking to our daughter numerous times as a mother, as a friend and everything in between and she always gets really defensive, and her reply to everything is always the same, "it's none of your business" or "why does it matter to you". She just WILL NOT listen to anything I or anyone else has to say to her. When we first noticed there was a problem several years ago and talked to her doctor about it, he immediately suggested counseling. She refused then and most recently, about a year ago, the opportunity arose again to talk with a professional about this. She does not think there is a problem with anything (although it is affecting so many people) and again turned away any help that was offered to her. She has been provided for in every way possible her whole life and loved and supported unconditionally. As I said earlier, I want more than anything, for her to be happy in her life with a special someone to love her and care for her, but I am not seeing how that is going to be possible since she turns away anyone who tries to get close to her. I have gone to great lengths to encourage her in any possible friendship/relationship she has ever been close to having. In the end she always ends up turning someone away the second it appears to be anything more than a casual friendship. This is about to drive me over the edge myself not knowing how best to help her with this. There was a point a while back where I literally made myself sick over it, lost 40 lbs. in 3 months, and became totally disconnected from everything except trying to figure out how to get my daughter over this hump in her life. Call me an overeacting mother, but there are times, even now, that I can think of nothing else. I just want her to be happy and for her to have someone to love her besides her family. She deserves so much more than she is allowing herself to have, which right now isn't much. Thanks again everyone!

Want2FeelGoodAgain · Post by **Want2FeelGoodAgain** » Wed Aug 27, 2008 2:31 pm

I'm very sad for you and her, and will pray for you in the route you take. I think at that age, I would have responded best if my mom perhaps asked me to "help" her with her problems, and probably would have figured out that mine were VERY similar.....and then communication is open. I hope something works, but also remember, I agree with the poster above, don't push, she will roll into a ball and you'll never find her face. Best of luck.

drg · Post by **drg** » Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:33 pm

Wow! How I wish I had some sort of answers for you, but at the moment I have nothing.
I'm 47 and divorced. Been hurt by men in many ways all of my life. I have started going to a Psychologist recently. He gave me psychological and personality tests. They showed that when it came to men, sex and relationships, there is a major problem. He told me that the tests showed that I felt totally detached or far away from these subjects. I never had thought about it that way. Reading your message about your daughter sounded a lot like my situation. Has she, too, been hurt by relationships--family or otherwise? That might be a place to start. If so, maybe some family counseling would be in order. Just a little something to get past this particular hurdle.
Sounds like your daughter has a lot going for her otherwise--a lot of potential. Tell her that. Remind her of her good qualities.
If I learn anything from my counseling that would help, I'll pass it on. Take care and good luck in the meantime.

jadee · Post by **jadee** » Fri Aug 29, 2008 4:21 pm

Hi Yellowrose,
I just thought I would give you some input on this situation, whether it helps or not, I hope it will make you feel a little better. I am your daughters age and I suffered from anxiety/depression/panic... at first it was very hard to come to terms with what I was dealing with and it made it very hard to talk about. A few positive things you have mentioned about her is that she does very well in school, and she is working

Another thing, do you know if she is suffering from anxiety or depression? Has she seen a doctor or anything? Has she always been this way? Or is it something new? Perhaps she is just tired from school and work, and doesnt feel like going out to social gatherings? If it is a matter of her not wanting to get close to anyone, maybe she is afraid of getting hurt. Im sure if she is truly feeling lonely, she will realize this herself. I know what it feels like to be a social outcast, and eventually I made the decision to be social again. It was something that I had to come to terms with myself. You have already done all you can do by letting her know that you love her, and you are there for her. And if she needs help I am sure she will come to you for it. My mother is the first person I turn to when I need to talk, and I believe that mothers and daughters have a certain connection, which is why you are feeling sad for her. Let her come to you, and im sure she will get to the point where she needs you. Hope you feel a little better

jadee

Kathleen21 · Post by **Kathleen21** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:33 pm

I have a daughter who is 21 going on 22, who all through High School, and on into College, had the same exact issue. I do believe much of it was stress. I also STRONGLY think it was an addiction to these social web sites. It is a safe alternate reality. They actually get lost in thinking these are real relationships they are having online. Things for my daughter improved greatly when she moved into my parents and did not had internet. Consider shutting it off, and she will be confronted with her reality, and can't ease it through Myspace and Facebook friends.

*D* · Post by ***D*** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 1:01 pm

yellowrose,
i am sure that you have received so many answers to your questions.i thought that i might add a few.
the internet can be addicting and like a drug to many.they will stay online as long as they can and some do it in here as well.
some shut everyone else out and only think of themselves.if you talk to them they will be in denial.its their was to cope. i would do like the others said. take the internet out and let her come out of her room and get to know you and the family.
i know that its hard and i know how the internet can ruin families.been there and did that but it was not the sites she is on.go to myspace sometime and face book and check it out.you can log on the her computer when she is not home and go to history and it will tell you what sites she goes to.know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and hold your chin up.its not your fault so do not beat yourself up.if you are in the program please dig into it and get the skills and tools that you need to help you as well.
don

amomtoo · Post by **amomtoo** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 7:02 am

Hi Yellowrose, I've never done this so let me know if you get this. I am not very good at the computor. I have a daughter now 26 with the same condition. She also is bright, cute, artistic, frugal and friendless. She spends a lot of time in bookstores, around people but not engaging with them. She has a great aunt and cousin who are the same way. It will be a long, lonely life for her and she knows it. She does not want to become her aunt. She has read a book, I think it's called "How to Make Friends and Influence People". She takes deliberate steps out of her comfort zone at our proding and sometimes with our pressence for confidance. Her social shyness has been part of her personality since childhood. She has always had a cautious temperment. I agree it would be good to cut down on the computor time and try to involve her with some volunteer work. Try to let her see how much people need her. People who volunteer are usually very gentle and kind and grateful for help. A word for you yellowroe, you can be supportive, pray, even line up opportunities but your daughter is responsible for her own happiness. God Bless Amomtoo