Im 52 I have 2 kids one boy who is 20 and a girl who is 17. My son is away at school in nyc and i miss him so much ( i live in florida)i know he has to live is life but i miss him alot..He is so happy in NYC and is now looking for an apartment!!! Im glad for him but at the same time im not does this make sense? My daughter will be a senior next year and she will be going to college to i dont know what im going to do.. I have lived my life around my kids, My marriage is so so been married for 33 years he does his thing i do mine thats how its always been.. Any one have any suggestions how to let my kids go?
I do everything with them.
Empty Nest syndrome
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Guest
Hello dlcottage:
I really do relate to what you are going through but I probably don't have any solutions.
I have 3 children. Two daughters and one son.
They are very close together in age. (they are middle-aged now).
Well they all grew up at once. My oldest daughter married and her husband went to Navy, they moved to Mich for boot camp and then to Calif. My second daughter married and they moved to Calif. (I lived in Colorado at the time). My son joined the Navy and left home.
He later had to go to Viet Nam.
They were all gone!! I'd see something of theirs in the house and burst out crying. I'd go to a store where I'd shopped with the girls and I'd burst out crying right in the store. I Had been divorced and was a single mom. Like you, the kids were my life. My life was empty when they left. I was hollow inside.
So I sure do know how you feel.
Well that was a long time ago. Obviously I lived thru' it. I don't remember how. But you do. Now I have great-grandchildren. My eldest grandchild is 36 next month.
You are going to get through this. You really are.
What people told me back then was to do somethings that I'd always wanted to do and couldn't. I don't remember what I did. But time eased the pain of not having them anymore.
I mean not having them at home anymore. You always have your children!!! Just this morning I got lovely notes from both my daughters.
What you are going through is hard. But you will adjust in time.
I have found out that in the course of life you go through all sorts of pain. I don't know if it makes one stronger or not. But you can't escape it.
God bless you!!
I will say a prayer for you.
MaryJane
I really do relate to what you are going through but I probably don't have any solutions.
I have 3 children. Two daughters and one son.
They are very close together in age. (they are middle-aged now).
Well they all grew up at once. My oldest daughter married and her husband went to Navy, they moved to Mich for boot camp and then to Calif. My second daughter married and they moved to Calif. (I lived in Colorado at the time). My son joined the Navy and left home.
He later had to go to Viet Nam.
They were all gone!! I'd see something of theirs in the house and burst out crying. I'd go to a store where I'd shopped with the girls and I'd burst out crying right in the store. I Had been divorced and was a single mom. Like you, the kids were my life. My life was empty when they left. I was hollow inside.
So I sure do know how you feel.
Well that was a long time ago. Obviously I lived thru' it. I don't remember how. But you do. Now I have great-grandchildren. My eldest grandchild is 36 next month.
You are going to get through this. You really are.
What people told me back then was to do somethings that I'd always wanted to do and couldn't. I don't remember what I did. But time eased the pain of not having them anymore.
I mean not having them at home anymore. You always have your children!!! Just this morning I got lovely notes from both my daughters.
What you are going through is hard. But you will adjust in time.
I have found out that in the course of life you go through all sorts of pain. I don't know if it makes one stronger or not. But you can't escape it.
God bless you!!
I will say a prayer for you.
MaryJane
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Guest
(((((hugs to you dl )))..and to you too cornflower. yup, very tuff time...me too. am finally getting better with it. same thing, 3 kids, and all about the same time left, along with being widowed, and losing parents, annnd 'religion'. i made myself get thru the program---only took me over a YEAR!!! haha. also MADE myself do exercise sets most days etc lesson 5. ugh...not easy dl. but yes time heals belive it or not...and the MAKING yourself DO stuff, even housecleaning etc., and better eatting prep. i also MADE myself tackle some social and that not easy as social anx---but ya know something--it was a time of healing myself from things that held me back. i MADE myself start some new things that i wanted to do,(must share it was in steps, baby steps by times..even still) like learning crochet and getting back to sewing. there was 'only' 6 eye surgeries to get me to be able to see better (not great but wayyyy better) that i went thru in that time after 'losing' all, and the crochet-----welllllll, that may take me wayyyyy over a year to apply myself to learning. i am forming up some inner plans presently to have monthly get togethers to do hand sewing and a dinner here....maybe even a 'drinky-poo' for all. i am a lightweight with little drinks, and do not want to send out the ladies smashed to drive home, so one is limit...the rest is ON THEM to choose or not. haha. in the thinking stages just yet, but will firm up shortly. almost alll over social anx dl...thanks to program and pushing myself thru little bits. i also joined red hats society, but those ladies sooooooo old...hehe. would like a more vibrant group that did more fun stuff, as i am young at heart myself. dl....little by little you will push your own self thru and your kids may even be uplifted by seeing all the positives you will be doing creating a new life. mine are! in fact, my daughter (who i miss very much) calls ocasionally asking if i want to go work out(which lord knows i NEED more of) and yes i do...BUT, have plans frequently now when she calls...she now says, "are you gonna diss me again mother???" it took a few years dl, but you will meet people along the way you may connect with and make new friends with..especially if you are choosing things you are interested in and may have put off while doing all you could for your family as i have. OHHHHH, and did i mention this is sooooooo very hard and even scary to step out into a new life? ((((dl)))) best wishes to you
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Guest
Hi Dicottage,
Empty nest syndrome is quite common for women and even men with anxiety/depression. I'm not a parent, in fact, I am young, but I've seen this before and I believe it stems from the fear of facing certain things in your life. I know a lot of people sort of hide their problems from themselves, and this is easy when they're wrapped up in their children's lives. It's not a terrible thing, so please don't feel guilty, but I think recognizing this helps a lot. I know you're probably thinking, what does this 22 year old girl know about this? And in a way, you are right, I don't have experience with it first hand, but I do have a good friend whose father died 3 years ago and his mother is absolutely terrified of her children (who are 22 and 20 years old) moving out, so she keeps them around with every effort possible. In her case, I'd say that she is far worse off, it appears that you are not restricting your children from growing up, but you're afraid of it happening. Here is the thing, your son has already left, and you are living through it. I know you're scared for your daughter to go to school, but you lived through your son moving, you will make it through your daughter moving, too.
I'm sure your fear is that once your daughter moves out and goes to school, that you will be all alone. I think a lot of women worry a lot at that stage in their lives, because it means that they need to sort of reflect on themselves and what they want out of life at that stage. It's a big change to have someone around for X amount of years and then to suddenly, one day, be alone without the responsibility of tending to your children. It means you have to be responsible for JUST you. It means taking a look at your life and maybe deciding what works and what doesn't, and that is scary! Your marriage doesn't sound terrible, but it also doesn't sound like a fairytale. It sounds very routine and maybe you're afraid to evaluate that relationship in your life. It's easy to ignore that when you're taking care of children and I think plenty of women do that.
I think you need to realize that your children are going to be FINE. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and you've done a wonderful job, and now it is their turn to go out in the world and really shine, and all thanks to you and your wonderful parenting. I know you want them to be happy and that means letting them go to be off living their own lives. You can find so many things you can do. You can pick up a hobby, take a class through your community, maybe a painting or knitting class. You can go out to lunch with friends, relax in a quiet house, and all while knowing your children are doing their very best to make a wonderful life for themselves out on their own. I think you can turn this around to where it even is beneficial for you. I know how scary change is, but look at it from a different light! It's all about turning your attitude around and it's hard, but it's so worth it.
I think a great thing to do is to get a blank notebook or journal and write down what it is you love about your children and write a list of things you want for them in their lives. You can read that whenever you're feeling particularly upset about them being gone. And then make a list of the great things you can do with that time. Don't be afraid of it. It doesn't need to be an empty nest, you can fill it with whatever you want!
Empty nest syndrome is quite common for women and even men with anxiety/depression. I'm not a parent, in fact, I am young, but I've seen this before and I believe it stems from the fear of facing certain things in your life. I know a lot of people sort of hide their problems from themselves, and this is easy when they're wrapped up in their children's lives. It's not a terrible thing, so please don't feel guilty, but I think recognizing this helps a lot. I know you're probably thinking, what does this 22 year old girl know about this? And in a way, you are right, I don't have experience with it first hand, but I do have a good friend whose father died 3 years ago and his mother is absolutely terrified of her children (who are 22 and 20 years old) moving out, so she keeps them around with every effort possible. In her case, I'd say that she is far worse off, it appears that you are not restricting your children from growing up, but you're afraid of it happening. Here is the thing, your son has already left, and you are living through it. I know you're scared for your daughter to go to school, but you lived through your son moving, you will make it through your daughter moving, too.
I'm sure your fear is that once your daughter moves out and goes to school, that you will be all alone. I think a lot of women worry a lot at that stage in their lives, because it means that they need to sort of reflect on themselves and what they want out of life at that stage. It's a big change to have someone around for X amount of years and then to suddenly, one day, be alone without the responsibility of tending to your children. It means you have to be responsible for JUST you. It means taking a look at your life and maybe deciding what works and what doesn't, and that is scary! Your marriage doesn't sound terrible, but it also doesn't sound like a fairytale. It sounds very routine and maybe you're afraid to evaluate that relationship in your life. It's easy to ignore that when you're taking care of children and I think plenty of women do that.
I think you need to realize that your children are going to be FINE. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and you've done a wonderful job, and now it is their turn to go out in the world and really shine, and all thanks to you and your wonderful parenting. I know you want them to be happy and that means letting them go to be off living their own lives. You can find so many things you can do. You can pick up a hobby, take a class through your community, maybe a painting or knitting class. You can go out to lunch with friends, relax in a quiet house, and all while knowing your children are doing their very best to make a wonderful life for themselves out on their own. I think you can turn this around to where it even is beneficial for you. I know how scary change is, but look at it from a different light! It's all about turning your attitude around and it's hard, but it's so worth it.
I think a great thing to do is to get a blank notebook or journal and write down what it is you love about your children and write a list of things you want for them in their lives. You can read that whenever you're feeling particularly upset about them being gone. And then make a list of the great things you can do with that time. Don't be afraid of it. It doesn't need to be an empty nest, you can fill it with whatever you want!
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Guest
I know exactly what you are going through because I am going through it right now. My son is 19 and going to college and my daughter is a freshman in highschool. My son is going to the community college where we live so he is still living at home. He has one more year before he is going to go off somewhere else! I started getting anxiety really bad in January but didn't know what was wrong with me until I had to go to the emergency room with the whole not being able to breath and heart pounding stuff. Found nothing wrong and told me it was anxiety. So after endless bouts of panic attacks and thinking I was going crazy I am on medication and seeing a therapist. Now I know I have a lot of anxiety about my children growing up and leaving me alone. My whole life has been about my kids. I stayed home with them for all these years and I know that my daughter still has quite a few years left at home but I get to thinking at how fast the years went when my son was that age and I know that it will go really fast. I want them to be happy and do their own thing and I am not holding them back from leaving but it is hard. I am hoping that by addressing this early before they actually leave that it will make it the tiniest bit easier when they do. I'm trying to start to do more things for myself and my husband and I are starting to plan on what to do after the kids leave. This is kind of proactive and its helped quite a bit. That and talking to my therapist. I feel for you and want to let you know that your not alone. I think I am afraid to start thinking about what I want and not having my children's lives to occupy my time. We are not good about thinking about ourselves, it makes us more anxious so we tend to put that in the back of our minds and focus on our kids but when we don't have them anymore we can't hide from ourselves anylonger and the panic and anxious feelings come and stay. This is a journey and I'm glad I have others to help me through it. I hope that you can start the journey of focusing on yourself and know that people are here to talk with. Good luck to all of us going through this.
I can completely relate to this topic. I have a son who is away at college, will be a senior this year. He comes home during the summer, which is wonderful and hard at the same time, because I have to say goodbye again every fall! He is one of my "safe" people. I always feel very lonely after he leaves to go back to school. I also have a 15 year old daughter, she is very social and is hardly ever home. I have a husband who works odd hours so when he is home he is almost always sleeping, when awake watches sports on tv! I work at home, go into an office a few times a week to pick up and drop off work. Feel very isolated most of the time. Don't have any friends that I socialize with. I speak to my family members, mom, sister, dad, usually at least once a day, but I really have no life. In the past my social activities have revolved around my son's and daughter's sports, dance classes, etc, so the people that were my "friends" were really just my kid's friend's parents. How do you build a new life, make new friends, get involved in life from square one? Especially when you are literally afraid of everything? I only have 3 years and then my daughter will also leave for college, so it will be just my husband and me and we really don't do anything together! Eeek, any suggestions? Julie
~No one can make you feel inferior without your permission~