Adult son problem

newncrafty · Post by **newncrafty** » Sun Aug 31, 2008 7:14 am

I have a 41 yr old son. He tested at age 35 thathe has severe ADD. His childhood and prior adult life has been school truant, drug problems, part-time jobs off and on, reading alot, sleeping. He has a high IQ, can join MENSA. We have fought a lot for 25 yrs. I am type 2 diabetic, had 2 mild strokes due to stress, clinical depression, anxiety. My son tried ritalin, he abused it as it is like speed and he was on speed but recovered. Now he binge drinks. He has been in and out of my house several times as an adult. I paid rent for a room to keep him out for 2 yrs. but That ended so he has been back over 3 yrs. now. I am going down hill. ADD or ADHD may be other adult child's problem. It was often not diagnosed by school counselors, doctors, etc. They can't focus, concentrate on schoolwork, some jobs, my son could read on and on but not do homework or keep his jobs. Go figure. It feels good to get it out. Good luck to others.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:17 am

Hi. You did not ask for advice, and so I just wanted you to know I read your story. So very difficult for you! Are you here on this program? I will look for your posts. Take care and be well.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:57 am

Hello:
I echo Pecos. I've read your story and offer my sympathies. I hope things ease up for you.
I will offer my prayers for both you and your son.
God bless you.
MaryJane

rose_thorn98 · Post by **rose_thorn98** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 12:22 pm

I too have a 41 year old son who has similar problems as your son. Through this course, I hope to learn how to deal with my emotions in regard to him and in order to help him become the person he is meant to be. There is so much good in him and when he doesn't drink, he is one of the nicest people you could meet. Education isn't his forte. However, I will be helping him get some answers on what he is suited for and would do well at. There will be a cost on his part in that he will have to be active in whatever that will be. We live in northern CA also. I look forward to keeping at this great course.
Arlie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 4:34 am

I have a son, 29 who comes around only when he needs money help. He works but likes to do a lot of things that cost money. He doesn't seem to plan ahead for car repares and such. He seems to create a lot of crises's for himself. I keep telling him about keeping a budget, but he isn't listening. I have helped him ,but he has crises after crises. I have quit helping him because it is doing him no good.
I keep a budget and don't go and have a lot of fun throwing money into the wind. I don't feel that I should keep giving to someone who keeps making these mistakes because of lack of wisdom and not wanting to lisen to advise.
I feel that it is not wise for me to keep dishing it out.
Tough love is to quit being there to fix everything for someone you love. My son needs to be responsable for his doings.
Think on this. Will he ever overcome the problems if the problems are always taken care of by someone else.
Parents are so afraid to see there children hit bottom, after all they might get hurt.
Just maybe leting them hit bottom is the cure.

This isn't written so much for advise to others. This is just my thought for my problem with my son. I needed to write it somewhere, so I thought this is a good place to put it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 8:47 am

GREAT post! I feel your pain and will contribute mine. My son who fit all the above catagories including the good stuff was 29 twenty months ago. After being placed in jail for fighting for who knows how many times I decided tough love was in order. And it was. His mother had always bailed him out and I convinced her it was time after 29 years she decided to listen. We have been divorced for 16 yrs. Kevin was indeed a good son, one of 3, a doctor now 34, a techer of highschool biology/ football and wrestling coach just turned 29. All good sons. Kevin though will remain 29 as he got jumped in jail from behind and taken out by a group of gangbangers. Now my dilemma, guilt. Mostly though I miss my son who could make anyone laugh and help anyone any time as long as he wasnt on the drugs stuff. This holiday business sure brings it all up with the empty chairs and all the memories. Many good ones, too many bad. I loved Kevin as I do my other two and rest in the fact I told him so every chance I had. That is one thing that has got me this far since he left so that is my message. No matter what let them know you love them you can do very little else cause they will do as they will do just like I did and just like most of us. GOD bless you folks who are hurting, Bruce

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 9:58 am

Bruce.
You are right. Tell your children you love them every chance you get. That is the best thing to give, Love.
I read a book that really is helping me with all kinds of guilt. a wonderfull book I recently read by R. T. Kendall. How to Forgive Ourselves Totally.
Glen

Shal416 · Post by **Shal416** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 11:32 am

Bruce,
I am so sorry about the death of your son. Losing a child has got to be one of the hardest things you'll ever face because they are not supposed to go before the parents. As far as the guilt, you could not make him do anything he didn't want to do. We all make choices that have consequences whether good or bad. But the great thing is he knew you loved him. I pray you find peace and release from the guilt. For all of you having difficulties with your children, I pray for you that they will find a way to turn their lives around. You are in my thoughts.

DAWNT · Post by **DAWNT** » Fri Nov 28, 2008 4:42 pm

God bless you and comfort you in your loss. Do not keep feeling guilty. We all make choices and your son made his. The first thing I learned in Alanon was that you cannot enable them by rescuing them. You can certainly tell them you love them every chance you get but do not blame yourself for what they choose to do. I too have a son who is now 24 and is facing serious charges from an auto accident. I love him with all my heart and I pray for him. But since I gave him to God and agreed that he is an adult responsible for himself, I have not had as hard a time with guilt and he and I have better communication. He may still have some serious consequences to face but they are they are his and I had nothing to do with it. I will support him and still love him but I will not and cannot take away the pain or suffering. Also he has serious chronic illnesses, which I also have, but no matter what I did right or wrong it is up to him to see what he needs to do and to do what he needs to do. I still love him. So, know that God forgives you and forgive yourself. You did the best that you knew how at the time with the knowledge and experience that you had at that time. We all do.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 12:05 pm

I have a 36 year old son, who has probably said and done some of the worst things I've heard or endured. He is an only child and was from a first marriage. His bio father had little and then nothing to do with him. I married again when he was 8 and my husband adopted him. As a child he was diagnosed with ADHD and ritalin was suggested. It was in the very early days of ritalin being used and ADD or ADHD actually being recognized. He was a very smart, kind kid and I worked hard to keep a good healthy balance in his life. He was seen by very prominent and highly recommended pediatric psychiatrists. We engaged in individual and family therapy for years. I changed his diet -- no sugar, no junk food, I found things he liked and signed him up. He didn't like team sports so we had him involved in track and field (he was an excellent pole vaulter), gymnastics, tennis, skiing, sailing, fishing. I lived in NYC, and sought help through the board of ed and he was placed in special classes. By the 6th grade he was mainstreamed. Throughout all the years that we worked so hard to help him, my mother spent every moment of her life maligning me. She truly set out on a mission to poison his mind against me. My mother, obviously ill, is a story for another time, however, she accomplished what she set out to do. I hear him say things to me that are as if they are coming right out of my mother's mouth. Even the way he phrases things are the way she would have. He has three advanced college degrees, and supposedly is now overseas getting yet another degree -- however, he has yet to use these degrees to get a real job! He works just enough to have money to live, but no career. He moved in with us for two years and it was a complete nightmare. Without my knowledge my husband threw him out, which was a good thing, I just would never have done it and my husband knew it. I have been physically and emotionally ill for a long time, and having him around certainly didn't help it. He writes things to me that are truly horrifying, he once even threatened to murder me, another time he wished me dead. I ignore him for a while, and then I get an email with a list of favors he needs and when I refuse, the whole thing starts all over again. He thinks his ADHD just cured itself and he is fine.I am not a medical professional, but I see indications of serious personality problems. He drinks too much and calls everyone else an alcoholic, he is immature, selfish, lazy, ambitionless, cruel, disrespectful, racist, sexist, oh the list goes on and on. He learned none of this from us. The things he says and does horrify us, and it has cost him some very nice friends. I truly feel as if my heart is broken and he is the biggest disappointment of my life. I see him going nowhere and doing nothing with his life and spewing hate at me forever. I spend an enormous amount of time crying over him, and I already suffer from depression, anxiety and various other serious illnesses, which he claims I make up because I am a hypochondriac, I am not, the diseases are real, and my doctors worry about me with the constant stress of him treating me so hatefully. I just need some imput from other parents.