Wife is Pefectionist with child!

SongWriter · Post by **SongWriter** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:56 am

I just got in an argument with my wife in front of our son, yet again. She is ridiculous! Unless our son it a perfect A student she is disappointed! Don't get me wrong, I have high standards for our son too. I want him to get perfect grades. But get this, my son got one word wrong out of like 25 right, and my wife says she is disappointed with him for the one word wrong! She says nothing about all the other words right!! She chastises him on how she went over and over that word. He got it wrong by one letter!

Last week she chastized him for getting a 93 on a test! It's still an A he said!!!

So I start telling her she is wrong when he is there. She tells me I should wait to talk to her alone, which I agree with. But we both get in a fight.

SHE IS GOING TO MAKE HIM A PERFECTIONIST!! WHAT IS HER PROBLEM!!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:06 am

I went through this with my Mother as well. If I got an A she would day if you can get an A then you can get an A+. And forget it if I got aqn A- or lower! I was a good student and tried so hard but I rarely got the praise I deserved. When I got older, in Junior and Senior High I got to where I skipped school alot and got a bad attitude. My grades dropped and I got to where I didnt care. Please tell your wife that she can damage him with what she is doing. I know we all want more for our kids but this is not the way to go about it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:09 am

Hi SongWriter,

This really hits me hard in several ways.
IT'S TOTALLY WRONG and very harmfull for your son, he will end up with low self esteem, trying for the rest of his life to please everyone, hate himself when he doesn't do something just perfect, have depression, anxiety and stress.
That's just some of the issues your wife is creating for him out of her actions.

I'm speaking as an adult who was treated like that by my Mother most of my life. Look where I am now!!!!

I raised 2 children and told them that they should always try to do their best and if their best was a C then so be it.

This has to be stopped, really it does. I don't know how old your son is but it doesn't take long to damage a child forever.

I think you have to get her to seek counselling for this problem ASAP.

Good Luck and don't back down on this for the sake of your son's life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:11 am

I don't wait for my son to leave before I correct my wife. I do it in front of our son which is wrong. Then we fight in front of him.

She is from Korea which means she was brought up tough.

I don't know how to make her listen. She is the thickest person I have ever known.

I want to keep our expectations of our son hight. But I think she is ridiculous.

My parents had very low expectations for me and I lived down to them.

There is a balance. I think I have the balance and my wife doesn't.

I just have to learn to talk to her when he is not around. She is very self righteous and thickheaded.

cowgirl · Post by **cowgirl** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:12 am

Hi songwriter, Im sorry for your troubles. I dont really know why your wife expects what she does from your son. Its possible she sees him as a reflection upon her as a mother and as a person so she wants him to be perfect so she looks perfect to others. I do agree that this needs to be discussed in private but you have to be able to interrupt her when she starts to speak like that to your son. Maybe you could say "I need to speak to you alone now" when she starts. She needs to understand that you need to praise someone 7 times to have them really take it in and only once to take it away. Can you tell her that when she points out only his mistakes and does not praise him lavishly for what he has done well she is setting him up to believe he is not and will never be good enough. This is so important maybe you may want to consider talking to an expert and maybe they could talk to your wife. It is terrible to always be striving to be perfect and always feeling as though youre a failure and not good enough. I know because that was the way my childhood was. I wish you success in dealing with this.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:15 am

Originally posted by monty'smom:
Hi SongWriter,

I raised 2 children and told them that they should always try to do their best and if their best was a C then so be it.

This has to be stopped, really it does. I don't know how old your son is but it doesn't take long to damage a child forever.

I think you have to get her to seek counselling for this problem ASAP.

Good Luck and don't back down on this for the sake of your son's life.

I have to say, telling a child that their C is good enough is just as harmful. I was raised that way. And if you create low or mediocre standards for your child that is just what they will live down to. Can it be that your "understanding of a C" is your way of rebelling of your past? I am not trying to be mean, bit I think you're being just as damaging.

I do believe my wife needs some form of counseling for herr self righteousness controlling personality. But hell will freeze over before she gets it. I just won't happen. She rationalizes everything away and is incapable of seeing any fault on her part.

Alysa_Mae · Post by **Alysa_Mae** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:57 am

I have to say, telling a child that their C is good enough is just as harmful. I was raised that way. And if you create low or mediocre standards for your child that is just what they will live down to. Can it be that your "understanding of a C" is your way of rebelling of your past? I am not trying to be mean, bit I think you're being just as damaging.

I used the C as an example, we just told our kids that as long as they worked hard, did their best for themselves and their future than we couldn't ask for more. One's Best Is One's Best....be it an A+ or a D...not everyone is capable of straight A+s, and even those who normally get A's will not always get an A..and that's just human. The other issue is the lack of praise for what is done well and this is very damaging as well. What's important is that a child knows that so long as he/she works hard, does the best they can do in this life that it's good enough and they need to be praised. I never told my children to not do their best, nor did I make them feel that I was dissapointed in anything but an A+. Both my children did very well in school and in life. My son was on the honor roll in high school, Top of the class as well as a PT instructor while taking the police foundations course and after completion of his 2 year program ( which is rated the best course for law enforcement)went on to finish a 9 week course and finished in the top 10 of his class and has a great career ahead of him as an Officer for the CBCS. So no I don't see that he was an underachiever by any means. He was hard enough on himself. He also is well rounded, funny, married with 2 daughters and a very proud Dad.

My Daughter went to college, worked her way up to a very good position with a government agency for 16 years until she decided she didn't like her job anymore. She's a wonderfull, loving, caring mother of 2 beautifull happy girls, works hard, and enjoys her life.

So I think I did alright as a Mom who only ever asked her children to do their best and showed respect to them for work well done.

Nothing in our world is perfect...that expectation is unrealistic and causes people to feel badly about themselves.

I ended up dropping out of school in grade 11, that's how my mother's actions affected me.
PRAISE, & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS WHAT WE ALL NEED AND WANT THE MOST AT ANY AGE.

Realistic Expectations Are Good, Perfectionism Is NOT

Good Luck To Your Son
God Bless

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 12:39 pm

It may be difficult to change your wife; she may be unable to act accordingly.

Another possible approach: talk with your son alone that mom has high standards because she loves you and wants your success but may go about it in a harsh way.

I was driven and made high marks in school. Everyone responds differently to different pressures.

It is difficult enough to sustain a marriage much less a marriage containing a child. Good luck and let us know things unfold.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 12:57 pm

I'm a mom and I admit I'm a type A person and a perfectionist myself. I have done some damage along the way to my kids as well. But there have been alot of times that I've been a good and even great mom too. And the thing is, I LOVE my kids, and looking back on it I'm so surprised about how freaked out I would get. I've made some gradual improvement. One thing that helped me was having someone say how damaging it is (not my husband, in my mind he is too laid back and doesn't understand). The next thing they said was to STOP it. Anything negative, any percieved put down/not meeting my high expectations. I was not allowed to talk (my way of stopping it), and I told my husband to give me a signal if I was doing it and not realizing it. I also wore a rubber band around my wrist and snapped it to remind me to not go there. It was hard being silent. It really stems from being a worrier, not being good enough (if your kids aren't perfect then what kind of mom are you???). I pretended to be a religious type person, but my lack of blind faith is something I still struggle with. She needs outside help. Also reading the book Summerhill (where it talkes about a child's freedom) was good to. We do more harm by doing things sometimes than not doing anything at all. But to turn it around, your wife talks/thinks like this to herself (she probably grew up w/same dialogue); she needs love and understanding help also. Take a deep breath and no matter what keep your kid safe and loved.

deeroad · Post by **deeroad** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:28 am

Thanks guys.
Now my wife is mad at me (giving me the silent treatment) because I corrected her perfectionism in front of our son. She followed me downstairs and yelled saying "you do all the homework with him then!" My son was upset all night. He said he gets scared when we fight. He's an only child. He knows we love him. But we do fight.
My wife has serious issues with control. She is the worst controller I have ever seen. She is coming a long way, but she is not there yet, as am not either.