future step son and drugs.
I have being dating this very nice guy for over a year and a half. He son has a problem with marihuana. Dad deals with it in a very calm way, but he said he definetly doesn't approve it. He is affraid to push his son further. I am affraid for my 11 year old who is very sad about his future big brother doing that. I have consider calling it quits. I have to loose that great guy, but I am concern about my kids. Any ideas?
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Guest
Is your fiance's son a minoor who lives with his father? Are you considering marriage? There is no way I would marry in this situation unless his son is not living with him, or has been in rehab/counseling situation for some time with progress showing. If his son is on his own & not living with his dad, you could still marry but I would never allow your son to be alone with him or go anywhere in a vehicle with him.
By not "pushing him further" what you really mean is he won't take a stand & exercise the tough love his kid needs. Marijuana is illegal; period. One of the ways we humans tend to deal with things we don't want to face is to just tell ourselves "it's not that bad." But a good cure for that is to look ahead 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, at all the possible outcomes if this continues, and I mean for each individual person concerned. Also, marijuana CAN lead to other stronger drugs in the future (I witnessed this personally w/X)and is VERY often used in conjunction with alcohol, and I don't mean "in moderation" either.
(Incidentally, I am not just "blowing smoke" here with biased opinions; I left my X-husband in 1986 when my kids were 3 & 5 after a year of trying, begging etc. him to get help for his drug addiction/dealing/alcoholism... at the end right before I left I gave him the ultimatum of 2 weeks to get help, left a list of counselors/rehabs etc. by the phone & said if he didn't get help I'd be gone... which I was. He is still an addict & had progressively gone on to stronger & stronger drugs from marijuana to hash, cocaine & meth... which he is currently being prosecuted for manufacturing.) I have found that one of the best things you can do for you & your kids, is to read information or talk to counselors about the subject and educate yourself. Sounds like your fiance' MAY (I realize I really don't know) be wanting to be his son's "friend" more than a mature parent; just a guess on my part. Hope you get lots more input/ideas here & read up on the subject of addictions. Best to you & your son & remember; you only have so much time left to raise him & he needs you! (P.S. The fact that you stated that your son "is very sad about his future big brother doing that" tells me that either he has seen the young man toking it up, or that you've told him about it; either one isn't so good; he needs to feel SECURE & if his natural father isn't involved in a positive way in his life, he needs even MORE to feel secure!) Again; best hopes to you both!!
By not "pushing him further" what you really mean is he won't take a stand & exercise the tough love his kid needs. Marijuana is illegal; period. One of the ways we humans tend to deal with things we don't want to face is to just tell ourselves "it's not that bad." But a good cure for that is to look ahead 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, at all the possible outcomes if this continues, and I mean for each individual person concerned. Also, marijuana CAN lead to other stronger drugs in the future (I witnessed this personally w/X)and is VERY often used in conjunction with alcohol, and I don't mean "in moderation" either.
(Incidentally, I am not just "blowing smoke" here with biased opinions; I left my X-husband in 1986 when my kids were 3 & 5 after a year of trying, begging etc. him to get help for his drug addiction/dealing/alcoholism... at the end right before I left I gave him the ultimatum of 2 weeks to get help, left a list of counselors/rehabs etc. by the phone & said if he didn't get help I'd be gone... which I was. He is still an addict & had progressively gone on to stronger & stronger drugs from marijuana to hash, cocaine & meth... which he is currently being prosecuted for manufacturing.) I have found that one of the best things you can do for you & your kids, is to read information or talk to counselors about the subject and educate yourself. Sounds like your fiance' MAY (I realize I really don't know) be wanting to be his son's "friend" more than a mature parent; just a guess on my part. Hope you get lots more input/ideas here & read up on the subject of addictions. Best to you & your son & remember; you only have so much time left to raise him & he needs you! (P.S. The fact that you stated that your son "is very sad about his future big brother doing that" tells me that either he has seen the young man toking it up, or that you've told him about it; either one isn't so good; he needs to feel SECURE & if his natural father isn't involved in a positive way in his life, he needs even MORE to feel secure!) Again; best hopes to you both!!
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Guest
Thank you so much for your response. It is greatly appreciated and I will consider it. I agree with you in the concern that it the use of "M" might open other dangerous doors. I like the analogy my son used yesterday "Mom he is like a cactus that needs some sun and water. We might want to touch him and he might hurts us, but it is a very nice cactus and we can't just abandone him, we need to have faith in him." And he is only 11 years old. 
Yes, my fiance has the custody of his two children; his son 16 and his daughter 14. Mom is very much not involved, specially with the son. I had a conversation with Dad about the perception that he was disciplining with a very "soft" appreach. His view is that because of his son struggle everyone one is running away from him, including aunts and cousins. He feels that we should not give up on him but attack the situation with love, communication and understanding. Dad told me his son feels very remourceful (His son did wrote me a card with a very nice apology and promises of change, and a fear of not being able to see my kids anymore.) Dad told me Dad he is planning on testing him weekly and that if it comes positive he will call the police on him and he will have to deal with them. That is it. No more chances. Regarding my son's Dad he sees them every other weekend and wednesday night. So, yes we need some GOOD male role model in my sons life. We are a family of women, and this gentleman has been very involve with my nephews as well. His son has being very nice with my little nephews and with my son. I like to think about all the other positive things that he has to offer, but unless we deal with this very concerning issue I think I should put things on hold. I am 41 years old and a little bit lost on this issue. Thank you sooooo much for taking the time to share your ideas with me.
Yes, my fiance has the custody of his two children; his son 16 and his daughter 14. Mom is very much not involved, specially with the son. I had a conversation with Dad about the perception that he was disciplining with a very "soft" appreach. His view is that because of his son struggle everyone one is running away from him, including aunts and cousins. He feels that we should not give up on him but attack the situation with love, communication and understanding. Dad told me his son feels very remourceful (His son did wrote me a card with a very nice apology and promises of change, and a fear of not being able to see my kids anymore.) Dad told me Dad he is planning on testing him weekly and that if it comes positive he will call the police on him and he will have to deal with them. That is it. No more chances. Regarding my son's Dad he sees them every other weekend and wednesday night. So, yes we need some GOOD male role model in my sons life. We are a family of women, and this gentleman has been very involve with my nephews as well. His son has being very nice with my little nephews and with my son. I like to think about all the other positive things that he has to offer, but unless we deal with this very concerning issue I think I should put things on hold. I am 41 years old and a little bit lost on this issue. Thank you sooooo much for taking the time to share your ideas with me.
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Guest