I reached out to an ex...

Pujols5 · Post by **Pujols5** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:56 am

Ten years ago she tried to win me back. She was/is beautiful and we had a deep and complicated relationship. She was the girl of my dreams and truly rocked my world. However I was in another relationship at the time. I knew we weren't meant to be because I knew she would hurt me and there was an age difference (she was in college and I was mid twenties then). The odd thing is that I would have taken her back if she had convinced me that we were meant to be.

The bad thing I did in '98 was that I did not give her or myself closure. I said that I would think about it but never called her. In some way I think I was testing her. She "drunk dialed" me then and cussed me out. I got married to the person I dated the following year.

After suffering anxiety for many years and hence recovering I decided to reach out as the last part of completing the program since I had felt guilty about how I handled things. The primary purpose was for closure however I really missed our conversations and my marriage is in a rut right now. She "forgave" me and indicated that she wanted to be friends. We started emailing during the work week. At first catching up but then it dealved into day to day life. Amazingly she confirmed that she had anxiety issues (taking Zoloft) and still had unresolved feelings for me. I tried to be supportive. I even sent her some of my CDs from the program!

Our conversation turned to the past and I told her my version of why we didn't work out. I got an email the following week stating that we needed to stop emailing and she sent the CDs back. She still had anxiety issues and the emails were unhealthy and that she needed to focus on herself and family life. She also said that she had to overcome her anxiety on her own (despite the fact that she asked me for the CDS) She basically wished me well.

I thanked her but I felt that I had to be assertive. I told her that even in friendship our relationship was about her needs and timeframes and that my wife was my "true" love.

I know the end result is probably right and that our relationship couldn't go anywhere since we both are married and have a kid but why do I feel so lousy about this?

Any insight would be appreciated. I really am not the "cheating" type so please don't be too judgemental. I think I feel bad the friendship couldn't somehow be maintained.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:11 am

This is the old Grass is Greener thinking. Hey, it's not greener. It's just different. You did this whole program? So you already know that. Don't go there. You can get your Session Three stuff out and re do it and get over and beyond this. By the way, why did you start all this up again? Maybe you have other parts of this program you need to re do as well. Before you do something like this again, get your thinking hat on and use the tools you have learned to use. Good luck.

Pujols5 · Post by **Pujols5** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 8:53 am

Well...I knew I wouldn't make any friends with the female readers with this one.

I listened to all of the tapes three times like I was supposed to and did all of the workbook assignments like I was supposed to.

Like I said I felt like I needed the official closure and as it turned out she did too so it wasn't a total waste. This was covered in the program.

I guess I had always wondered if my anxiety had kept me from being with her ten years ago and maybe my wife was the "safe" choice. This topic was also covered in the program. As it turns out I didn't make a mistake with the old gf after all and I had told her that. Maybe I just got what I deserved.

I will listen to session three again (negative thinking). I guess I just don't know if I am really happy or not. Sometimes the heart is not always rational...

Mom of 6 · Post by **Mom of 6** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:00 am

Pujols, I understand how your feeling! I too contacted my EX husband a few months ago(although we do still talk, as we have children together) specifically to ask him to forgive me for ANYTHING I may have done in the past.. As I've gone through this program, I've learned that guilt(true guilt) is something I've harbored deep inside and is a result of anger and unforgiveness..now with that in mind, how can I honestly forgive MYSELF for things I may have done out of pure selfishness, when I've never attempted to ASK for forgiveness to the "other" person???? I don't think that you did ANYTHING wrong(contrary to the above post) There is NOTHING wrong in doing that..HOWEVER, if you HAD said that you were wanting to rekindle an old flame, that would be a different story and YOU DID NOT INDICATE such as that. Nor did I get the idea you were curious as to whether the "grass was greener on the other side" ..... I desire to be a "friend" to my ex, I DO not think that is wrong, unless it is kept from your spouse. Most people cannot do that, it's easier to hold on to resentment and anger(prideful) than to let it go and come to terms with everything and begin a friendship.
You did what you felt you needed to do...DO NOT beat yourself up over it. You did your part. If she doesn't/didn't respond as you had wished...OH WELL..let it go...you CANNOT control her feelings or decisions. If she struggles with anxiety, YOU should be able to understand why she became upset or nervous..drudging up past problems..that can be hell on an anxious person. We all know that!
So, with that said, go easy on yourself..let it go..we cannot change the past, however, we can change our future

focus on your life NOW..embrace your wife, family and the new and improved life(whether you realize it or not, your doing a great job) Keep your chin up!!! breath and remember, one day at a time.
God bless you
Robin

shimdan · Post by **shimdan** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:04 am

It seems like she sensed that the relationship could turn into an "emotional" affair. These can be very dangerous.Talking from experience.

Pujols5 · Post by **Pujols5** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:20 am

Thanks Mom of 6! You rock!

Best of luck to you in your quest to overcome anxiety.

To fess up I did keep this from my wife but I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong. However the emails did get slightly flirtatious...we utubed songs that turned us both on and I found the Paula Abdul song that we first kissed to.

Do you think it would be appropriate say one year from now just to see how she is doing and maybe go to lunch? If we could somehow set boundaries we could be great friends. I think the mistake was getting involved on a day to day level and talking about the past was a bit much for her to handle.

I think Shimdan's insticts were correct on this also.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:53 am

No, Mom of 6, I did not say he did anything wrong. I asked him why he did it. I have not followed your posts with critical negative comments about anything you have ever said. Honesty is the problem I see here, and I still see it as a problem.
And by the way, why didn't talk to your wife about this. Again, I repeat what I already said, you might want to re do Session Three. I am not criticizing you. However, you are definitely not being truthful with your wife. This program does not encourage dishonesty anywhere in the first 9 sessions (which is where I am at). Ask yourself if it would be okay with you if she (your wife) was doing this with an old flame behind your back.

Again, Mom of 6, no criticism here. However, sometimes we all do things that are not in the best interest of us, or those who will be most affected by our actions. That is my opinion, and I have expressed it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:12 am

No, Pujoles5:
It would not be appropriate for you to see this person in a year and go out to lunch. If you are still married to your wife by that time.

If you love your wife you will be faithful.

To go out to lunch with an old "flame" is playing with fire and someone will get burned.

You can't have it both ways.

I agree with Pecos. You need to work the program again.

My opinion.
Mary Jane

Mom of 6 · Post by **Mom of 6** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:21 am

Puljos, as I stated in my post "I DO not think that is wrong, UNLESS it is kept from your spouse"...so, when you did this BEHIND your spouses back(which is something you refrained from saying in your original post) one than has to question WHY you did it. And then in your most recent post to me, you said; " However the emails did get slightly flirtatious...we utubed songs that turned us both on and I found the Paula Abdul song that we first kissed to". Now that I got the WHOLE picture, I have to agree with Pecos. When I read your original post, I came to the conclusion that you were doing it out of wanting "closure", but now there is a different spin on things isn't there? When I spoke to my ex, there was no false pretenses..strictly moving past the hurt and anger that I harbored which in turn made me feel guilty and depressed. Now again, with all of this being said, I still think that you can use THIS whole situation as a way to REALLY come to terms with this whole thing. MOVE ON..embrace the ones YOU DO HAVE..Your EX made it appharent that she doesn't want anything to do with you NOW. Let it go..I WOULD NOT suggest that you contact her again in the next year. Leave well enough alone. When we are at the most anxious, unhappily married state, we become vulnerable to ANYONES attention and we tend to think back on anyone that made us "feel" good about ourselves, rejuvenated, etc. This can be very dangerous to YOU and anyone else involved. I wish you the best of luck, and please continue with the program! There are still things you need to work on..I am still working on things and it's been two years. It's been a long, hard haul, but it's worth it!! TAke care and again God bless you.

Pecos, no offense taken

each to their own opinions..however, I didn't read his original post as you read it... I "thought" that this was an attempt at "closure"..as did I when I spoke with my ex several months back..however,I informed my hubby about it and it was OKAY.. such is NOT the case in this story. That's what I get when I "think" everyone should think as I DO

Oh well, another lesson learned!!!

take care and God bless you
Robin

Pujols5 · Post by **Pujols5** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:28 am

To make a long story short I did the right thing in '98 by telling my wife about this girlfriend. I had an opportunity to cheat then but I didn't.

My wife is basically an insecure person and would feel threatened by her.

We are seeing marriage counseling b/c it has been rocky even before I contacted this "flame".

Lets not rush to judgement. I am 36 and I am possibly going through a mid-life and an identity crisis at the same time. Part of this is coming with all of the "missed opportunities" of my youth as I was extrememly shy and hardly dated at all.

And by the way I have been completely faithful to me wife and no one here will convince me that I haven't. These were just emails people!

In my last message to her I asked her to destroy my old love letters that she is still hanging on to.