Scary Thoughts

Vikingsfan01 · Post by **Vikingsfan01** » Fri Dec 26, 2008 7:18 am

Hi there everyone,

I hope that you all had a very Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.
I've been reading the comments on the board here and they have helped me more than you could know. I have to first and foremost say thank you to you all for helping me without even knowing that you were helping me

I've been wrestling with very terrifying thoughts about harming my daughter for about the last 4 months now. They are terrifying because I love my daughter more than anything on earth. I think that is why this particular thought has been so hard to try to get rid of. It ties into not only the terror and emotional reaction of harming someone you love, but the deep love and feelings of love I have for my daughter. I know that I would never, in a million years harm her, I know that the thoughts are irrational and just thoughts. I know that I'd never carry through on any of them. BUt they haunt me still, despite knowing all of that. I've been following some of the suggestions you've made and from some of the articles referenced here. I've also done some digging on my own. I'm also in counseling as well right now. So I'm hitting this thing with all cylinders.

That said, I still have some questions -
*sometimes just being around my daughter triggers the thought with such intensity that it's hard not to be scared by it. I can't and don't want to avoid being around my daughter. I find that the techniques of "letting the thought be" and reassuring myself that it's just a thought and lately - just letting it pass through the head (or me pass through it) have helped - but it still scares the hell out of me. Any other suggestions?

*I found that before I started leaving the thought be that I was testing myself by substituting positive images of my daughter in place of the negative ones or seeing if by doing that a negative image would appear. Invariably it did. So since letting the thought be, I'm less anxious, better able to function throughout the day and for the first time in a long while able to enjoy being around my daughter without feeling like a monster. My question is this though - when I'm at work - I'd like to think about coming home, hugging my daughter, playing with her, etc. Where does the line between testing oneself start and just having a "wishful", positive thought end?

*I don't know if this helps - but when I started reading the site - I began to almost dare the thought to show itself - mentally say "bring it on - is that the best you've got?". Don't know if that's the most constructive approach - but it has helped me tackle these thoughts and "let them be".

*Has anyone else felt like just when you feel like the scary thought about doing something to a loved one is leaving that it starts to "seek" another target. I feel that sometimes it's like a missile trying to find something else to hit. Thankfully when it hits it doesn't seem to hit as hard as the original?

Finally - I again just have to thank you all. For a while there I was really worried that I was about to end up in the hospital or on meds or both. Despite the reassurances from my psychologist, I've felt like I've been on the verge of losing it. Knowing that I'm not alone, not insane, not pathological or schizophrenic, sociopathic, or just an evil monster, has made such a difference in how I view this and has, not to sound too dramatic, saved me.

Thank you and God bless you all,

tunedin1 · Post by **tunedin1** » Fri Dec 26, 2008 8:26 am

First, try to turn it into a comical situation, for instance, imagine you're boxing with your daughter and she break out into a Ninja outfit and twirls you over her head and tosses you through the wall into a swimming pool of rubber duckies. Then looking up you see your daughter giggling at you while standing in the hole in the wall. I know you wouldn't hurt your daughter but you are probably creating a worst case senario because you are trying to avoid a real issue with yourself. This distraction about harming your daughter is all that it is a distraction to keep from looking within. Get past that and the unwarranted guilt and deal with what's really at the core or what your not looking at in your life.

DerikForChrist · Post by **DerikForChrist** » Fri Dec 26, 2008 11:26 am

Merry Christmas to you, Vikings.

As someone who has experienced the same thoughts you're referring to.

The key here is not to wrestle these thoughts, whatsoever. Let them be, let them come, let the feelings come, of course they're going to be intense. You hate this thought so much, how can you not have such a strong reaction? Your hatred of these thoughts gives your body the fuel to make more of them. These unwelcome autosuggestions of harming your daughter are nothing more than you frightening yourself. Testing yourself to see if you still have an emotional reaction to them. You are constantly testing your reaction to these thoughts. (Just to make sure.) So, the more sensitized you become by believing these thoughts and thinking they have some special significance, you stay sensitized. By placing italics on these thoughts in your mind, how can they not return?

DO NOT try to replace these thoughts, I'm sorry, some people will disagree with this. When you do this, you care enough about them to try and change them and the cycle continues. This line you're referring to between testing and actually having positive thoughts will actually disappear when you stop trying to control the thoughts. Stop the constant testing, which is keeping you in a sensitized state.

Recovery doesn't lie in challenging the thought, I'm not saying you shouldn't face your fear, by all means do so. Face it and go toward it. But, recovery from these thoughts lie in floating through them, accepting them, and not adding to them. If one flashes, let it flash. Don't continue to test and add second fear to it.
ex.
First fear (the flashing thought):
"What if I hurt my daughter?"
Second fear:
"Oh my God, there's a knife on the counter what if I stab her or something?"

Do not add this second fear, leave this thought unresolved. Accept that you have placed significance on these thoughts and let it pass, it has to. There are no solving these thoughts, they're irrational, stupid, and only show their face because of the constant testing. If it wasn't about your daughter, it would be about something else (like being on meds, going to hospital, etc.)

The only way to desensitize yourself is acceptance, I mean utter acceptance, surrender to them. Let them win. Don't fight this!

Positive program to recovery:

1. Face the thoughts and feelings.
2. Accept them 100%.
3. Float through them, don't add second fear.
4. Let time pass for recovery. (Don't be upset if the thoughts stop coming for a week or so, then show their ugly face again. Don't believe when they do return, you've slipped right back again. Just accept.)

Memory will continue to bring these thoughts back from time to time, but with utter acceptance, time is all that is needed to forget them.

I apologize for the long post, I'm trying to squeeze a lot of information in one small post.

God Bless and Good Luck.

DerikForChrist · Post by **DerikForChrist** » Fri Dec 26, 2008 11:41 am

I just have something else to add. To believe that there is some deep-seated cause for these thoughts is to say the least, ridiculous. It doesn't matter if you had a bad childhood, or if your Mother wasn't nice to you. Do NOT search for some deep-seated cause, you're only keeping yourself ill. Anyone can be sensitized at any time.

Example:

A nurse had a long day at work, she was tired, working in the nursery. She was near a window with a child and thought "Wouldn't it be horrible if I threw this child out the window?" She had such a strong emotional reaction to it, she immediately thought she was a monster. By placing special significance on it she opened the door for it's return. Had she just accepted it as just a thought and continued to work, the thought most likely wouldn't have returned. But because she did, now every time she is around a child, she tests herself to see if the thoughts are still there. Eventually, she becomes so sensitized, she thinks she has a "nervous breakdown", wonders if she should be in an institution, etc, etc.

This is not a far-fetched story. Anyone at anytime can become sensitized and turn something into an obsession. All it takes is a tired mind and anxious introspection. Then, every anxious thought is followed by a shot of adrenaline (flash of panic) and they begin to believe they are not in control anymore.

Can you see how the cycle continues?

Emilie · Post by **Emilie** » Fri Dec 26, 2008 12:14 pm

DerikForChrist,
I just randomly read your response I have to say this is very strong. I really like what you have said here, and I myself will be repeating your words in my head as random thoughts occur. I never fully understood float with it until you wrote this all out. Thank you so much for your post.
God Bless,
Emilie

Can't_be_beat · Post by **Can't_be_beat** » Mon Dec 29, 2008 3:18 am

Happy New Year Vikings!

Perhaps your biggest issue is your choice of teams to root for!! After all there is nothing worse than being a Vikings fan. Spoken like a true Bears fan, right? I'm just kidding you...rooting for the Bears is like beating your head against the wall for the last 24 years.

Seriously, I appreciate, more than you know, your post. I, too, have struggled with the same scary thoughts of hurting my daughter. But have been hesitant to come out publically with it because I felt like I MUST be the only kook who thinks things like this. It is such an irrational thought but it does scare the heck out of me. I have learned over time to not give the thought any creedence whatsoever. However, I have not perfected that strategy yet and sometimes get caught in a scared funk for a couple of days. I have also determined not to allow the thoughts to keep me from loving my daughter or being around her. She is one special little girl and she deserves the love of her father...just like your daughter does.

Based on what Derick said, I have nothing to add. He not only said it very well and I agree totally with him, I also learned from what he said...thanks Derick! I think the two most important points he laid out were to 1. Do not give the thoughts any creedence, float through them...2. Don't add a secondary thought.

Vikings, you may want to hear this or not, but what has gotten me through all of this junk is my relationship with Jesus. I accepted the gift of salvation 7 years ago and have been growing ever since. The beauty of Christ is that He is always there to talk to. He offers peace during chaos and He gives you an inheritance in God's Kingdom. I don't know where you are at with the Lord, but I encourage you to seek him daily and to have simple conversations with him always.

I will pray for you and have assurance that God will lead you through the garbage as He is doing for me.

God bless you. Victory is yours but through Christ you can be more than a conquerer.

Vikingsfan01 · Post by **Vikingsfan01** » Sat Jan 03, 2009 5:07 pm

I want to thank you all for your great advice. I've been following Derek's advice and for the first time in a few months, things have been less anxious and more near the baseline of my normal relationship. I am still having bad days - today for example wasn't great - but I know that's par for the course and I've noticed that these thoughts are more fleeting, less persistent, and less anxiety inducing than before. I also notice waht others have described, where the thoughts seem to want to latch on to other people or things - and I've used the same techniques to take this on as well. Still wrestling with the feeling of not being entirely like myself, but even feel that this is starting to get better. You guys have been great!!! Thank you for all of your help.

Carolyn Dickman · Post by **Carolyn Dickman** » Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:17 am

DerikForChrist.

Thank you for the post. As I was scanning thru the posts, I came across yours. I agree with you 100%. I had the scary obsessive thoughts. It's not easy to get thru them, but once I did, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

MelMbrsl75 · Post by **MelMbrsl75** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 2:47 am

If you have a chance, please read some of my posts. I have written alot about this subject!