Dealing with anxiety and dating

Music Fan · Post by **Music Fan** » Sat May 31, 2008 4:53 pm

Anyone else single? I've found that I've avoided dating since it causes me too much anticipatory anxiety. It amazes me that people come here and post about their problems with anxiety and depression and such yet they still seem to be able to date, fall in love and get married. I just can't see myself being able to do that. I just recently got an email from a friend wanting to fix me up and I got so anxious just reading the email. I haven't replied to her yet. I'm not doing really well with my anxiety right now and this has hit at the bad time for me. I sometimes feel like I'm the only person in the world who isn't comfortable dating. I want to fall in love and get married, but I just can't make that first step to start dating again due to my anxiety issues. Anyone else have the same issues or have some advice?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:30 am

Thank you, Satu, your post made me feel like there is hope. I'm only on week 3 and have found that I am having trouble making the time to do the workbook. I've listened to the tapes over and over, but always seem to avoid or forget about the workbook until it's time to go to bed and I put it off again. I've set aside time tonight to read the workbook and start a journal. And hopefully I can take 30 minutes each evening to update the journal and put some thought into my mission. I really want this to be successful and I find I've only given it 50% so far. Your comments about how the program has really helped you has given me hope. I guess I have that negative thought that I'm so far gone that this won't help me. Negative thought #1 of the day.

I appreciate your taking the time to reach out to me with your post. You too, Emma. Good luck to us all!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:44 am

I'm single and I avoid dating too. I don't think it's fair to expect another person to put up with all my limitations, so I don't even bother. I'm confident that I WILL overcome this eventually, and THEN I'll date... when I can bring something other than my problems to the relationship.

Emma, you took the words right out of my mouth. I am single and I feel the same. Why would I wish to bring all this baggage into a relationship? I also feel, perhaps wrongly, that nobody would understand my problems. As I get over this I will take more chances and, I know that everything will work out eventually. But, for now, I certainly am not going to push it. I feel like I don't need something else on my mind right now. Rob.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 4:21 am

You know...maybe finding someone that truly loves you might actually help you get through your anxiety? Like this person would be there for you, understand what your going through and help you get over your anxiety? My advice, go for it, go out on that date, experience all the feelings that go with it. I'm sure you will have a good time and wondered why you stressed out about it in the first place. Don't use anxiety as an excuse not to date. Everyone has some nervousness and anxiety when they meet/date someone new. Dating is fun! I wish you luck and hope you will at least push yourself this one time. Let us all know how it went!

David** · Post by David** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 4:42 am

Hi Rachel. The point of my post was that many of us do not wish to bring all of our problems into a relationship at the present time. It is also difficlut for many of us who, for the time being, are concentrating on this program or other methods, to bring something else(dating)into the mix. I have been dealing with this for years and very few, very few, people know what I go through and are willing to help or even talk to me about it. They don't want to get involved and don't know what to say or do. My mind is saying, why should anybody else be any different? For me, and I can't speak for anybody else, I would rather concentrate on being able to go more places and do more things before I begin dating again. The last girl I went out with was all about travel and I didn't know that until a couple of weeks into the relationship. I cannot travel right now. hence, that relationship ended bacause she couldn't (or wouldn't) understand. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. What is the saying? "Once bitten, twice shy"? Rob.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 5:00 am

My issue is a bit differen than Emma's and Rob's. I feel like I lose control when I date. HE is the one to call and catches me unprepared for his invitation to do something. HE decides what HE wants to ask me to. HE drives. And I am anxious the whole day just dreading the moment that he rings my buzzer. Once on the date, I find I do relax a bit, so it is mostly anticipatory anxiety that I dread. I do worry a bit that my anxiety will SHOW to him (and everyone else for that matter). But in my mind I become overwhelmed with the thoughts that HE will be a constant in my life. That my time will not longer be my own. So, I guess I have enough self-esteem to think that he'll WANT to stick around, but the thought of that commitment scares me. I'm so used to being able to do what I want and the idea of this person calling me all the time causes me stress. Of course, I should be looking at it as someone likes me and enjoys spending time with me and I may find he's someone that I enjoy spending time with. But I dwell on the negative, the loss of control. I guess that's what I'm hoping this program helps me with. I want to feel that "dating is fun!" attitude. I've never experienced it since this anxiety issue has hit me. Year's ago my therapist told me "it's just one date, you don't have to marry the guy!". But I'm always 100 steps ahead of myself and thinking that I'm committing myself to something even though it's just one date. Ugh! I really hope this program helps in this regard.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 6:11 am

Hi Music Fan,

I understand. It's your fear of commitment and loss of control. We always want to have control. We don't want someone else making decisions for us. And you are experiencing that anticipatory anxiety. I feel as you get along further in the program there are sessions that help you deal with this and should really help you. Good luck! Rob.

derfy · Post by **derfy** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 6:32 am

Even though my husband died only 7 months ago I would still like to find someone to date. Nothing serious at this point and I could not imagine a relationship, way to soon for that!

I would like to meet someone but as the other people posted why would I ever want to pull someone into this mess I am in right now? I can barely make it to the store around the corner by myself. Where would we meet? The parking lot of the store so he could watch me have a panic attack! Wow, sounds like he would have a blast!!

As I get farther into the program and build up self confidence though I would like to be able to get out in the world and meet someone.

Very good luck to all of you and know we will make it through this and be reporting back to each other the wondreful dates we are having!!!!

Pam

JackieBlue · Post by **JackieBlue** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:35 am

Hi Music Fan, I hope you get the courage you need to date, once you learn some of the tools you'll need for dating from this program I'm sure you'll have all the confidence you need.

medgrl, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your loss. I'm sure this must be a difficult time for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Your friend, Dee

Jendaysxo247 · Post by **Jendaysxo247** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 9:19 am

I have realized that I have avoided dating too. I keep telling myself when I'm done with this then I'll start dating. I don't have the confidence to attract the right guy and have been hurt or hurt others in the past. This is my first week in the program and I pray that this is one thing I will overcome. I want to be able to marry my best friend when that time is right. God keeps telling me he's out there so I've gotta believe and keep healing. Best wishes to you all who are in the same boat.