Looking for some advice for my dilemma

relaxnow · Post by **relaxnow** » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:10 pm

I went through the program 16 years ago. Things have been ok although I did not keep up the practice like I should of.

I am going through a VERY stressful situation in my life which brought back the panic a month ago like you would not believe!

I have been married for 10 years and it has not been great the last few years and I have not been very happy with the marriage the last year or so. I have two children 4 and 5 years old.

My wife and I had talked about my unhappiness a couple of times. We talked about possibly separating and then my anxiety and panic started like crazy. All the what ifs started in. The unknown future about me and my kids and can I do it. This was 4 weeks ago. I knew what this was since I had it 16 years ago. I was only sleeping 2 or 3 hours a night for a few nights because I was so anxious.

I saw a therapist for a few sessions. My wife and I have tried some marriage counseling but my feelings just are not there. My wife is very supportive with my anxiety condition. I am trying to reconnect with my wife but it is not happening.

I keep thinking I need to work on myself now but then I feel like I am avoiding the situation about making the decision.

Sometimes other people from the outside have some good advice since I am caught up in this dilemma with my feelings.

Thank you,

Take care

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:02 pm

Hi-

I've not been in your situation before, but my 2 cents worth is that you've made a commitment to your wife, for better or for worse. And then you added 2 children into the mix. You are now in the worse phase. You owe it to her and to yourself to work on this relationship with all your heart and soul and mind. Comparing the new lady who is fun and fresh and exciting to your wife, with whom you have a 10+ year history is like comparing apples and oranges. Of course new feels fresh. But new is not always better. And new changes rather quickly into routine. And then where will you be? You cannot really go back once you step off the cliff. I'm proud of you for telling the new lady that you are working on your marriage-- now get to work. Go to the counseling and really DO IT!! Do not contact the new lady, do not think of the new lady. When she pops into your head, say NO. I am married to ____. I love ___. and I'm working on fulfilling my husbandly duties to this woman.

Do not cop out on this one. Your family is depending on you, and frankly at this time it's not really all about you and how you "feel". Feelings are not facts. The fact is you promised to be married and then raise your family. It's not always easy or clean, but with perseverence and integrity you can do this.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jan 10, 2010 2:23 am

I found a good resource when my husband and I were having some of the same type of problems that you are talking about. I got us both an audio copy and the book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can listen to the audio book in just a few hours. I listened to and from work. He actually talks about a marriage in just your same situation that was able to be saved. If you really want to save your marriage, you can. We saved ours, even after my husband did the unthinkable. Good Luck. I'll be praying for you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jan 10, 2010 4:35 am

Hi my name is Jay and I have been in your situation before. I would suggest you find out how your wife feels about your marriage because if you are feeling this way she has to have some of the same feelings. My marriage was really on the rocks in September but me and my wife were able to reconcile. I was talking to other people but found that I really still loved my wife. Soon as I found that I still had feelings for my wife the other affairs ended. I have found out that marriage is o work in progress my friend. You will have championship years and you will have years where you don't even make the playoffs. The thing you must try to do is rebuild your franchise because the glory years are very worth it. Marriage is give and take you must come clean about this affair because if you and your wife can make it work it must be with truth. Tell her any answers she may need to trust you and know that it will take time to rebuild your marriage, because it took time for it to get to where it is now. Also expect for your wife to be finish with the marriage once you come clean, but if this is the case give it some time alone from both women and make the choice that is best for your life. Time alone from both women is the only way to sort your feelings out so take some time and be ok with the outcome of your actions God Bless you my friend and take care

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jan 10, 2010 5:05 am

I agree with big jay in that it needs to be addressed. I don't know what that will look like for you. If you just stuff the feelings and force them away then it's going to come up again later because the root issues are still there. Good luck! Thoughts are with you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:31 pm

Let me assure you that God would not have answered your prayers by leading you to adultery. That was the devil. I am not sure how you go from praying to God about this and then believing that He led you to an affair, that doesn't add up.

I'm not sure what advice to give other than you did love your wife strongly before, it doesn't disappear, it deepens and changes. And sometimes your feelings change because there are certain things going on between you, or things that are no longer going on between you that effect that love. There must be something that has made that love change, and I hope you consider some kind of marital counseling to help you find out what it is.

I do believe that whatever need was fulfilled with your affair wasn't true love; that can't be found outside of the marriage bed. Pure love cannot be gained while deceiving a spouse.

It would be important for you and your wife to re-explore your relationship to each other and before God - by getting closer to Him you get close to each other; when you both distance yourself from God you distance yourself from one another.

Think of an equilateral triangle - you are the angle on the right, your wife the angle on the left and God is horizontally holding you two up like a bar; The larger the triangle gets, the further apart the lines grow. This is what happens, because God is a key element in a healthy marriage. When the triangle is small and all lines are accessible to one another your relationship will be harmonious. The further apart your relationships to God, the further apart you both get from one another. Do you ever pray together?

I do hope you seek a Christian marriage counselor. There is hope for your marriage.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:39 am

Thanks for the advice.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 13, 2010 11:19 am

We're all praying for you rumpoint.