Yesterday I kind of chewed out my wife and didnt know why. I guess I do know why it just wasnt like me yo do that. I was talking to her about something I found funny and she just listened to about a sentence and changed the subject. She always does that so I am used to it. But yesterday it really upset me to the point that I let her ramble then when she decided to be done I just glared at her and told her "thanks for listening" to which she answered "I didnt care about that." Then for some reason after she got home from work I apologized for yelling at her. Right after that it hit me, SHE IS A BIG CAUSE! She isnt the only cause of my anxiety/depression but a big cause! Now dont get ne wrong, I love her with all my heart and I will not do anything bad like leave her or yell at her again or stuff like that. Why do i think she is a cause? Because, I actually stood up for myself and I APOLOGIZED FOR IT! It showed me that: 1) This program is helping! 2) I have given in to her for a very long time! I hace always been the 'yes man' in our lives. I have never wanted to rock the boat. I have never thought (before now) that I was good enough for anyone else and shouldnt push any buttons that may make her leave me.
Does that make sense? Is she a cause? Ok so maybe not a BIG one like I first said but still a cause. Again I do love her very very much and really do not want to hurt her but I think this is my "Aha" moment. Its obvious to me that my self esteem was low before we got married but I sure dont think she helped build it back up.
Is that right?
Support or cause?
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Guest
Wildcard -
First, I obviously don't know the details of your relationship and can't really answer one way or the other whether your wife is a source of anxiety for you. However, a couple of things in the way you wrote your post caught my attention. Not to be difficult, I'm going to answer your questions with more questions because then you can decide how it best fits your situation. I certainly don't want to offend you in any way but I thought these questions might let you think about things from different perspectives.
1) If we exhibit behavior of low self esteem due to the actions of another (e.g. standing up for ourselves and then apologizing), is the source of our low self esteem the other person or our thinking and behavior?
2) If we tend to bow to the wishes of others, is that due the demands of other people or lack of confidence in ourselves?
3) Who's responsibility ultimately is it to build our self esteem?
4) Should we rely on others to back up our self confidence?
Try thinking on these questions for a while. I suspect that none of them has a truly correct answer and that the solution is somewhere in the middle of opposing views. Hopefully they will yield something useful for you.
Best of luck,
Jamie
First, I obviously don't know the details of your relationship and can't really answer one way or the other whether your wife is a source of anxiety for you. However, a couple of things in the way you wrote your post caught my attention. Not to be difficult, I'm going to answer your questions with more questions because then you can decide how it best fits your situation. I certainly don't want to offend you in any way but I thought these questions might let you think about things from different perspectives.
1) If we exhibit behavior of low self esteem due to the actions of another (e.g. standing up for ourselves and then apologizing), is the source of our low self esteem the other person or our thinking and behavior?
2) If we tend to bow to the wishes of others, is that due the demands of other people or lack of confidence in ourselves?
3) Who's responsibility ultimately is it to build our self esteem?
4) Should we rely on others to back up our self confidence?
Try thinking on these questions for a while. I suspect that none of them has a truly correct answer and that the solution is somewhere in the middle of opposing views. Hopefully they will yield something useful for you.
Best of luck,
Jamie
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Guest
Searunner,
Thanks for the response and in no way was I offended. I think what I ment and what you said are the same things just put differently. I think my heading and post was put the wrong way! Im not sure if this will make sense since I am going to cotradict what I said in the original post. (i think) I knew long before we got married that my self esteem was very low. I just thought that my better half may have kept it low by doing things like the example i gave. I guess in a way I took that as her being a cause not just a keeper downer. I dont think she knew she was doing it, it was just because of the way we were (get that song out of your head!)allowed it to stay that way. I think that kind of answers your questions 1&2. As for 3&4, I know I am responsible for building my self esteem but I think others can help that along the way. They may not know they arent helping build it back up or even know how to help build it back up I just think there is something others can do to help. For example, in the situation I gave, maybe instead of saying "thats ok" after I apologized she could have said something like "i never realized i did that" or "we were both at fault for how we reated to it." or something like that anyhow. Does that make sense?
I hope that explains more. But, Hey, Thanks a ton for the response. Your questions really did make me think about things.
Thanks for the response and in no way was I offended. I think what I ment and what you said are the same things just put differently. I think my heading and post was put the wrong way! Im not sure if this will make sense since I am going to cotradict what I said in the original post. (i think) I knew long before we got married that my self esteem was very low. I just thought that my better half may have kept it low by doing things like the example i gave. I guess in a way I took that as her being a cause not just a keeper downer. I dont think she knew she was doing it, it was just because of the way we were (get that song out of your head!)allowed it to stay that way. I think that kind of answers your questions 1&2. As for 3&4, I know I am responsible for building my self esteem but I think others can help that along the way. They may not know they arent helping build it back up or even know how to help build it back up I just think there is something others can do to help. For example, in the situation I gave, maybe instead of saying "thats ok" after I apologized she could have said something like "i never realized i did that" or "we were both at fault for how we reated to it." or something like that anyhow. Does that make sense?
I hope that explains more. But, Hey, Thanks a ton for the response. Your questions really did make me think about things.
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Guest
Snowballs again? Now at least we know the culprit from the StressCenter.com winter festival. I'll notify the proper authorities!
On the serious side Wildcard, I understand your frustration. You want the person closest in your life to be the most supportive and you would like it to be all of the time. We all want that, especially in our spouse. But as we learned in Session 4 about expectations, the real world usually doesn't work out like we want it too. But that doesn't mean everything is all bad. This is a good time to review what you are expecting of your relationship and whether it is realistic or not.
You have the opportunity to communicate with your wife and try get the encouragement you need. If she is willing to change and provide what you are look for, then that's great. If not, then you also have the option to look for support in your family and friends. But ultimately, you realize that the greatest source of confidence comes from inside. No one else can create that for you, they can only encourage it to come out.
So here's my encouragement to you. You are a good, strong person and you can take care of yourself. You and your opinions matter and no one has a right to take advantage of you or hurt you. At times it is your right and privilege to think of yourself first. It's your job to know when those times occur!
Jamie
On the serious side Wildcard, I understand your frustration. You want the person closest in your life to be the most supportive and you would like it to be all of the time. We all want that, especially in our spouse. But as we learned in Session 4 about expectations, the real world usually doesn't work out like we want it too. But that doesn't mean everything is all bad. This is a good time to review what you are expecting of your relationship and whether it is realistic or not.
You have the opportunity to communicate with your wife and try get the encouragement you need. If she is willing to change and provide what you are look for, then that's great. If not, then you also have the option to look for support in your family and friends. But ultimately, you realize that the greatest source of confidence comes from inside. No one else can create that for you, they can only encourage it to come out.
So here's my encouragement to you. You are a good, strong person and you can take care of yourself. You and your opinions matter and no one has a right to take advantage of you or hurt you. At times it is your right and privilege to think of yourself first. It's your job to know when those times occur!
Jamie
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Guest
Hi Wildcard,
I can certainly see her being a trigger, although not the cause because we have to learn how to react to all this stuff around us.
I have some similar experiences with my Equal Half, in that certain conversations we might have or certain things he says to me I feel trigger me to feel or react a certain way.
I am still "unlearning" how to react to him and even other folks who I feel are pushing my buttons, but in actuality they are just being themselves, and I find it "bugs" me and triggers me to react a certain way and then set up my feelings for the day.
I find that I still have so, so much to learn, but I am enjoying that journey, and even learning from those bumps in the road!
I can certainly see her being a trigger, although not the cause because we have to learn how to react to all this stuff around us.
I have some similar experiences with my Equal Half, in that certain conversations we might have or certain things he says to me I feel trigger me to feel or react a certain way.
I am still "unlearning" how to react to him and even other folks who I feel are pushing my buttons, but in actuality they are just being themselves, and I find it "bugs" me and triggers me to react a certain way and then set up my feelings for the day.
I find that I still have so, so much to learn, but I am enjoying that journey, and even learning from those bumps in the road!
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Guest
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Guest
