Hi everyone,
I'm going to try to be as honest as possible here. My thoughts have been moving at a hundred miles an hour and have been very hard to get in the middle of, so I thought it might be helpful to write them all out and gather some feedback and put a stop to these scary thoughts once and for all!!
Ok, so here I go..
My number one fear for a while now has been death. I've tried really hard to get inside this thought and find out whats behind it. One thing I have figured out is that this is something that goes way back to childhood for me. I remember being very young and having a panic attack about eternity. I cried and cried to my mom about not being able to understand it. I grew up in an unstable alcoholic home with an emotionally abusive father, so I suppose that developed a fear of the unknown and probably also a fear of not being good enough for God... Nothing I did was ever good enough for my dad. when I try to think the thought(about death) through to the end, thats just where it takes me, to the end, and the end feels dark and black and terrifying!! I'm only 26 and I try to tell myself that by that time, I'll be ready for it, but then another part of me says, what if your not?? So by this time in my thought process I am feeling bewildered and hopeless and out of my body, like I'm suppose to be somewhere else and I'm just stuck here.. I know this stuff sounds crazy, but it's the stupidity thats spinning inmy head CONSTANTLY!! I have tried writing down my scary thoughts and replacing them, but it feels so useless. No matter what I do, I'm gonna die someday!! I look at people that don't fear this and I just don't get it? How could they not be worrying about this? especially the people that aren't sure about God and thier place with him? I feel like I've been let in on a terrible secret and there is no way to unlearn it! My boyfriend is not a christian, but is very curious about it all and will come to church with me and I am terrified for him! I try to tell myself that God will reveal himself when he is ready, but then that leads to thoughts of hell and condemnation etc....
To all who are still reading, I really appreciate your time. I'm just really struggling and need to get this all out!
My second thought thats been bugging me is this...
I feel like all I am doing by working any program is brainwashing myself. I feel like this is reality! I keep telling myself that this is not reality, but this is all I have ever known so how am I suppose to beleive anything else?? This anxiety has always been there and has always come back! I have tried therapy, treatment, church, meds, and programs and nothing seems to ever break through for me, so that leads me to beleive that this is not real... I'm sorry this is so depressing, I just really need to get this out! I can't talk to anyone else about this stuff, they would think I was certifiable... Sometimes I feel like I am!
It's like a nightmare that I can't wake up from! I have felt out of my body, spacey, and disoriented for 9 years now.. 9 Years!!!
Everytime I do something fun, there is a underlying feeling of dread, like a dark shadow following me around. I can ignore it here and there, but it's always there!
This is sucking the life out of me and I want it to stop!!
I want to live and not be terrified of doing so!!
Please help me..
Thank you so much for you time.
Anna
Mn
My deepest darkest thoughts..
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Guest
Anna,
I started reading the "Left Behind" series by Tim LaHaye and other books that dealt with end times and our minister spoke of this as well. Let me tell you, it scared the hell out of me! It meant that I was not in control. I am going to die some day. I had to hurry and believe wholeheartedly in the Lord before I died or I was going to hell. How could people just live their lives like nothing was going to happen and I am here freaking out! It was hard for me to accept. However...the more I read of the Bible (not just revelations) and the more I studied with biblically educated people, the more I relaxed and let go of my need to be in total control. Peace came to my racing mind. There is truth to the quote, "Let go, Let God." This didn't happen overnight. It took some effort and time on my part just as it will with Lucinda's program.
I still have my anxieties about things but not as much with the inner peace I have been given by our Lord and the knowledge of his love for me... for us!
I'll be prayng for you. God Bless.
Kathleen Marie
I started reading the "Left Behind" series by Tim LaHaye and other books that dealt with end times and our minister spoke of this as well. Let me tell you, it scared the hell out of me! It meant that I was not in control. I am going to die some day. I had to hurry and believe wholeheartedly in the Lord before I died or I was going to hell. How could people just live their lives like nothing was going to happen and I am here freaking out! It was hard for me to accept. However...the more I read of the Bible (not just revelations) and the more I studied with biblically educated people, the more I relaxed and let go of my need to be in total control. Peace came to my racing mind. There is truth to the quote, "Let go, Let God." This didn't happen overnight. It took some effort and time on my part just as it will with Lucinda's program.
I still have my anxieties about things but not as much with the inner peace I have been given by our Lord and the knowledge of his love for me... for us!
I'll be prayng for you. God Bless.
Kathleen Marie
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Guest
Hi Anna-
I'm Terri and I'm from MN too.
I can totally relate to you. I didn't realize it until I read your words and it came flooding back to me that I used to worry about that stuff too. Being very young and worrying about death being permanent black and me covered with dirt and no one remembering that I was even here. I used to cry myself to sleep wishing that I could have been born a doll so that I wouldn't have to die. WOW-- how can 2 people have the same odd dreams and thoughts?? We all think we are the worst or unique. I guess we are not.
As I got older, I also thought that an anxiety filled life was going to be my reality. Some things that really helped me were--
1. Taking a prescription bio-identical progesterone supplement to help even out my hormonal changes. PMS symptoms really popped out in me after my last son, and every 2 weeks I was either off the deep end or quaking with fear that "it" would come back.
2. Exercise daily for 1+ hours cardiovascularly. Getting off of sugar and processed foods and sleeping enough.
3. I am a Christian but never felt connected personally, as Gman said. I joined an in-depth Bible study called BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). The whole program is 7 years long but people start and stop along the way. The topics just cycle. When I started my anxiety was high (just after 9/11) because of history and just me having a bad time, and recently I was reflecting back, and I realized that the anxiety was kind of a blessing!!!! Shocked me that I could even think that way. It is a blessing precisely because I can't control it and the only way I feel better is to trust and obey God. We studied Genesis, the tribes of Israel and the minor prophets, the life of Moses, Romans, John, and I can't remember what else. Basically you are walking back and forth thru the Bible. If you would be interested, I could try to see if there is a class in your area. There are 1000+ all over the world, all studying the same lesson each week. It's free too.
4. Finding a friend on this site that recommended a book to me. "Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Leibgold. I got it at my local bookstore for about $8. He is a physician who suffered with claustrophia for 31 years, and found help and has dedicated many years now to helping others. It is much the same content as StressCenter.com but it explains it differently and gives very concrete steps to take to get yourself out of the "what if" thinking, etc. I tried with all my heart to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts but it didn't stick and I didn't make great strides. Since reading the book around late last fall, I have done things that I was afraid to do or just avoided. I went on a work trip with my husband to CA and spent a couple of days completely alone in a giant hotel while he was working. I ordered room service. I took a surfing lesson and did it the whole time, even when I got tired. I drove on the San Diego freeways ALONE in a rental car. I walked around a town that was completely new to me and did great. I also went to FL on a work trip and was able to be flexible when the weather wasn't right for what we were thinking of, and went snorkeling by ourselves off the coast. I also had a cosmetic surgery!! And I am finding that I can stand up for myself when I have a beef, and just yesterday I stood up in a church meeting and expressed my opinion. My voice was shaky, but I had written down what I wanted to say and I said it.
S0--- it really helped me. I would recommend it as a supplement to StressCenter.com.
Your dark thoughts are fine. Thoughts have no power-- it's your actions that determine what it reality.
I wish you the best. Keep in touch if you want.
Terri
I'm Terri and I'm from MN too.
I can totally relate to you. I didn't realize it until I read your words and it came flooding back to me that I used to worry about that stuff too. Being very young and worrying about death being permanent black and me covered with dirt and no one remembering that I was even here. I used to cry myself to sleep wishing that I could have been born a doll so that I wouldn't have to die. WOW-- how can 2 people have the same odd dreams and thoughts?? We all think we are the worst or unique. I guess we are not.
As I got older, I also thought that an anxiety filled life was going to be my reality. Some things that really helped me were--
1. Taking a prescription bio-identical progesterone supplement to help even out my hormonal changes. PMS symptoms really popped out in me after my last son, and every 2 weeks I was either off the deep end or quaking with fear that "it" would come back.
2. Exercise daily for 1+ hours cardiovascularly. Getting off of sugar and processed foods and sleeping enough.
3. I am a Christian but never felt connected personally, as Gman said. I joined an in-depth Bible study called BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). The whole program is 7 years long but people start and stop along the way. The topics just cycle. When I started my anxiety was high (just after 9/11) because of history and just me having a bad time, and recently I was reflecting back, and I realized that the anxiety was kind of a blessing!!!! Shocked me that I could even think that way. It is a blessing precisely because I can't control it and the only way I feel better is to trust and obey God. We studied Genesis, the tribes of Israel and the minor prophets, the life of Moses, Romans, John, and I can't remember what else. Basically you are walking back and forth thru the Bible. If you would be interested, I could try to see if there is a class in your area. There are 1000+ all over the world, all studying the same lesson each week. It's free too.
4. Finding a friend on this site that recommended a book to me. "Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Leibgold. I got it at my local bookstore for about $8. He is a physician who suffered with claustrophia for 31 years, and found help and has dedicated many years now to helping others. It is much the same content as StressCenter.com but it explains it differently and gives very concrete steps to take to get yourself out of the "what if" thinking, etc. I tried with all my heart to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts but it didn't stick and I didn't make great strides. Since reading the book around late last fall, I have done things that I was afraid to do or just avoided. I went on a work trip with my husband to CA and spent a couple of days completely alone in a giant hotel while he was working. I ordered room service. I took a surfing lesson and did it the whole time, even when I got tired. I drove on the San Diego freeways ALONE in a rental car. I walked around a town that was completely new to me and did great. I also went to FL on a work trip and was able to be flexible when the weather wasn't right for what we were thinking of, and went snorkeling by ourselves off the coast. I also had a cosmetic surgery!! And I am finding that I can stand up for myself when I have a beef, and just yesterday I stood up in a church meeting and expressed my opinion. My voice was shaky, but I had written down what I wanted to say and I said it.
S0--- it really helped me. I would recommend it as a supplement to StressCenter.com.
Your dark thoughts are fine. Thoughts have no power-- it's your actions that determine what it reality.
I wish you the best. Keep in touch if you want.
Terri
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Guest
Oh my goodness you guys. I am just filled with hope or compassion or something! I am just so grateful for this site and the wonderful people on it! I bawled when I read some of your heartfelt words! I am so lucky to have this. I feel terrible for the people out there that suffer alone... I will start reading my bible! I don't think I'm ready to get back into church yet, but I'm sure I will get there...
Newrunner,
I live in the suburbs of the twin cities, big lake to be exact. Where is the study? I hope reading my post didn't affect you negativly? I never meant for that to happen to anyone, I just needed to get it out before I exploded:)
Does anyone have any advice for me on being with a non(or confused) believer?
I seriously love you guys soooo much!
Thank you so much for your responses.
Anna
Mn
Newrunner,
I live in the suburbs of the twin cities, big lake to be exact. Where is the study? I hope reading my post didn't affect you negativly? I never meant for that to happen to anyone, I just needed to get it out before I exploded:)
Does anyone have any advice for me on being with a non(or confused) believer?
I seriously love you guys soooo much!
Thank you so much for your responses.
Anna
Mn
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Guest
Wow...I just read all of this...G-man...I loved your response...You know that you know, that you know...That is me...I know that I know, that I know...I know exactly where I am going to spend eternity and that is in Heaven!!!
Anna...I was with my hubby for quite a few years before he got saved (born again)...I continued to go to church and serve the Lord without him. I did not let this deter me in the least...After all, I have to answer for my own self and no-one else...
I will tell you what does work!!! You go to church, read your bible, and pray...pray..pray...Pray earnestly for your hubby!!!
Through my going ahead and serving the Good Lord, and praying for my hubby, as well as, having others pray, then, I found that this one really worked for me...In a few years, he got saved (born again) and attends church with me!!!
I want to share this video with you...Anna...I pray that it helps you...
Here is the site... Father's Love Letter
Anna...I was with my hubby for quite a few years before he got saved (born again)...I continued to go to church and serve the Lord without him. I did not let this deter me in the least...After all, I have to answer for my own self and no-one else...
I will tell you what does work!!! You go to church, read your bible, and pray...pray..pray...Pray earnestly for your hubby!!!
Through my going ahead and serving the Good Lord, and praying for my hubby, as well as, having others pray, then, I found that this one really worked for me...In a few years, he got saved (born again) and attends church with me!!!
I want to share this video with you...Anna...I pray that it helps you...
Here is the site... Father's Love Letter
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Guest
Anna...When I think of my death; I think of Jesus coming and getting me...I also think of brightness and the most perfect peace and love, that I can not even begin to imagine it!!!
I know that death is not the end of me...For what I lost in Adam, I gained back in Christ...I lost my natural life in Adam, but, Christ shed his precious blood, so, I could have life, and have it more abundantly!!! I gained back my life in Christ!!! How much more "reassuring" could one be...We will live throughout eternity....No ending to our lives!!!
I think of death as a new beginning!!! I know that I will be much more alive in Heaven, than, I could ever be down here!!!
I know that I will be sooooo peaceful and full of that "Precious Love" all the time!!!!
The Bible says, "Eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, neither has it entered into the heart of man, what God has prepared for those who love and serve HIM!!!!
Apostle Paul saw into the third heaven and this is what he said...Far better is it to be absent from the body and be present with the Lord!!!
We cannot even begin to imagine what God has in store for His children!!!
Also, remember that the Bible says, "Yea, though, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me!!!
I think of the dying process, as a shadow, and nothing more!!!
The real you will never cease to exist!!! I do know that for sure!!!
God will never leave or forsake us...That was His promise and it is impossible for God to lie!!!
Not a one of His children will walk through that valley alone...He will be right there with us, and He takes excellent care of His own!!!
I believe when it comes our time to go...God will take us by the hand, and we will be full of His peace and His love!!!!
I pray this helps you a little bit more!!!
I know that death is not the end of me...For what I lost in Adam, I gained back in Christ...I lost my natural life in Adam, but, Christ shed his precious blood, so, I could have life, and have it more abundantly!!! I gained back my life in Christ!!! How much more "reassuring" could one be...We will live throughout eternity....No ending to our lives!!!
I think of death as a new beginning!!! I know that I will be much more alive in Heaven, than, I could ever be down here!!!
I know that I will be sooooo peaceful and full of that "Precious Love" all the time!!!!
The Bible says, "Eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, neither has it entered into the heart of man, what God has prepared for those who love and serve HIM!!!!
Apostle Paul saw into the third heaven and this is what he said...Far better is it to be absent from the body and be present with the Lord!!!
We cannot even begin to imagine what God has in store for His children!!!
Also, remember that the Bible says, "Yea, though, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me!!!
I think of the dying process, as a shadow, and nothing more!!!
The real you will never cease to exist!!! I do know that for sure!!!
God will never leave or forsake us...That was His promise and it is impossible for God to lie!!!
Not a one of His children will walk through that valley alone...He will be right there with us, and He takes excellent care of His own!!!
I believe when it comes our time to go...God will take us by the hand, and we will be full of His peace and His love!!!!
I pray this helps you a little bit more!!!
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Guest
G-man...I loved the way you explained this sooo perfectly!!! This is sooo true, and I know this for my own self!!!The reason that no one has been able to break through to you, is because many assume that sitting in the pews makes you a Christian, but look around. How many do you think have truly established a personal relationship with God? Look to find Jesus in them. That is the righteousness that you need to examine. This is why you cannot get your answers from them. It must come to you from His divine revelation which will not come to you unless you seek Him, and that is an effort you make when you get into the written word of God as led by the Spirit of God.
Thank you sooo much for being the "brave soldier" for Christ, and sharing this with others!!!
May God Richly Bless You Is My Prayer!!!
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Guest
Hi Anna-
I live in the Plymouth/Wayzata area of the Twin Cities. So-- we are not that far apart I think. Maybe 1 hour or so? I know my BSF class has a BIG book that tells all the locations of classes, etc. and I could look at that for you. I'll call my leader from last year and see if there is a way for me to access that. We are on summer break right now.
Don't worry about being a confused believer. God is obviously touching your heart with the Holy Spirit and causing you to feel this unrest and He is reaching out for you and wanting you to reach back to Him. It's different for everyone. My BSF teaching leader once gave the example of how people are different. She gave the example of how you turn on lights on a Christmas tree. Some people are like the big trees at Rockefeller Center in NYC. Flip a switch and they shine brightly immediately. Some people get one string of lights turned on at a time and it's a gradual change. My advice to you would be to find a church that is based on preaching the Bible as it is. Don't be sucked in to places that have fantastic music, or "good programs", etc. You need to be fed the Word. And then just go. During the sermon times, take notes and go home and look up stuff yourself that they referenced, and let your mind get around the message. If you want to discuss it, PM me. I certainly don't know everything but have learned alot from my study and can see more of the big picture of the Bible.
No you didn't cause me harm bringing up those memories. It was so interesting to me that we think we are all so bad and unique and here we are alike and just afraid to talk to someone or a victim of our imagination.
Don't fret about being a beginner. We all start somewhere and this is your start. God Speed on your journey. You are on your way, Marvin K.
I live in the Plymouth/Wayzata area of the Twin Cities. So-- we are not that far apart I think. Maybe 1 hour or so? I know my BSF class has a BIG book that tells all the locations of classes, etc. and I could look at that for you. I'll call my leader from last year and see if there is a way for me to access that. We are on summer break right now.
Don't worry about being a confused believer. God is obviously touching your heart with the Holy Spirit and causing you to feel this unrest and He is reaching out for you and wanting you to reach back to Him. It's different for everyone. My BSF teaching leader once gave the example of how people are different. She gave the example of how you turn on lights on a Christmas tree. Some people are like the big trees at Rockefeller Center in NYC. Flip a switch and they shine brightly immediately. Some people get one string of lights turned on at a time and it's a gradual change. My advice to you would be to find a church that is based on preaching the Bible as it is. Don't be sucked in to places that have fantastic music, or "good programs", etc. You need to be fed the Word. And then just go. During the sermon times, take notes and go home and look up stuff yourself that they referenced, and let your mind get around the message. If you want to discuss it, PM me. I certainly don't know everything but have learned alot from my study and can see more of the big picture of the Bible.
No you didn't cause me harm bringing up those memories. It was so interesting to me that we think we are all so bad and unique and here we are alike and just afraid to talk to someone or a victim of our imagination.
Don't fret about being a beginner. We all start somewhere and this is your start. God Speed on your journey. You are on your way, Marvin K.
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Guest
Anna, So sorry about your struggles. One thing I can say is that God will get you where He wants you. Think of it as going around the mountian and youkeep going around the mountian until you get it right. I know that sometimes you may feel like you want off the mountian, I sure do at times, but God is with you and He will direct your paths, just ask Him, believing He will do.
You will be fine, maybe just slow down for ahile.
Mary
You will be fine, maybe just slow down for ahile.
Mary
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Guest
G-man...I loved this portrait you painted of how The Shepherd takes such excellent care of His sheep!!! You said it all sooo beautifully!!!Many people don't know this, but the good Shepherd knows every one of His sheep. He gives each one of them names, just like we do with our pets. He nurses, bathes, plays, talks to, teaches and does all possible to show them His love and care. That is why His sheep know His voice. The good Shepherd; cuddles and stares into the face of His sheep and talks to them in a still small voice. His sheep know that their Shepherd; cares for and loves them. He'll not let harm befall them, or let them go hungry. This is how and why this inter-personal relationship must be seen to be appreciated. I hope I drew a good picture of the relationship and trust that bonds us to the good shepherd.
Thank You So Much...