I know what my anxiety & depression comes from

Thereze · Post by **Thereze** » Tue Dec 22, 2009 7:42 pm

I grew up in a family that always screamed and yelled and especially around the holidays there was always screaming and yelling, the big joke became i wonder who is going to get in a fight this Christmas. I have wanted to divorce my family for years. I have nieces and nephewes though so then I think about them. I just hate going into an atmosphere where there is all this yelling, name calling. They don't really do it to me anymore but just being around it brings me back. I get nausea, upset, panic, anxiety. It feels like a controlling environment. I just can't stand it anymore. It is horrible. Any advice? It causes me so much depression..please help, the holidays are coming. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells and it it is horrible. i have limited my time with my two sisters and their children because of the behavior but still want to see my nieces and nephews. But everytime I have to, it sends my panic, emotional eating into outer orbit. I really do not think they know how their behavior effects people. I really don't. It is very scary. When there is a difference of opinion my one sister just name calls even when it is a discussion or if the discussion goes too deep she says ok this is too deep please change the conversation. It is crazy.. I feel so uncomfortable and sad. It is like what am I doing wrong. So now you are going to control what I saw when it is mere conversation. I just can't stand it. I try to stand up for myself but it can turn abusive. I have told my one sister and she doesn't say much. They they ask why I never visit. It is so crazy. Then I sit there and obssess like they are out there controlling me. I try to set boundaries but it just seems useless. Now I feel like walking out of my family and saying forget it because I have no peace. Is there any help? This has been giving me anxiety my whole life. I just need to stay strong and firm. I know how to assert myself in the world but when I get into my family I become paralyzed.. I sit there with fear because if I speak up it will be a verbal land bash... It is a repetitive cycle it will not change. .Then I have guilt and depression. If I tell them what I am doing. I am too sensitive. I feel like I don't know how to solve this situation which is very depressing. I am so depressed. I have so much fear. I almost wish this Christmas there would be a big fight so that I can say you know I am walking out. done I don't care. does anyone have any advice. I wish God would hear me

Charlie Brown · Post by **Charlie Brown** » Wed Dec 23, 2009 3:34 am

Hi Thereze,

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

One suggestion I offer is to forgive them, at least in your heart and mind. My family, especially on Mom's side, was good for yells, screams, and put-downs. I was never sexually or physically abused by my parents or family. But Mom and Dad were guilty of unintended emotional abuse. That is my own term.

After they both passed away, I needed for my own peace of mind and healing learn to accept the notion of forgiving them. I said "I forgive you" to them. Forgiving others who have slighted me is something I work at. I still have to remind myself I forgave them when something occurs in my life that can be traced to Mom and/or Dad's negativity. I still have in me some of the Sonny Corleone Method of "going to mattresses" and counterattacking.

Hope that helps.

Kgirl · Post by **Kgirl** » Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:03 am

Thereze,
I know very well what you are going through. I was raised with both parents alcoholics. My father died at the age of 49 with cirrhosis of the liver. Had my mother not stopped drinking after his death, I would have ended our relationship. Would I have stopped loving her? Absolutely not! I knew that in order for me to heal and not suffer anymore that I had to distance myself from that toxic environment until I had the necessary tools and coping skills to continue having a relationship with her... if I was going to have one at all. I am thankful that she did stop drinking and all of us children are very close to her to this day.
When my parents were sober they were fine. When they weren't, is was awful. The scars that we carry from any type of dysfuctional atmosphere are deep. Children are always the innocent ones and yet we can suffer so much at the hands of the ones that are supposed to love and nurture us. You may have to distance yourself from them until you feel firm in your own strength and in your own love for yourself. There is nothing wrong with healing time for yourself. It sounds like it is a must for you and your situation. Are you currently working the program? In there are all of the tools needed in order to heal and grow in your life. Remember this is your life, not theirs. Would it be great if they were part of you life? Yes it would. Are they a healthy part of your life at this time? No they are not. They will probably never change and that should not be a deterrent!!
You are in my prayers. God bless you.
Keep posting. We are all here to help you.

Thereze · Post by **Thereze** » Thu Dec 24, 2009 4:54 pm

Thank you for all of your kind words. It really means a lot to me this Christmas as I sit here alone. I really am at a loss been dealing with this my whole life and I am frightened and don't know where to turn to. I know it sounds silly. I have had a whole lot of dysfunction go on in my life. I try to distance myself and it seems as though I get guilted into many things one of them being the holidays. My parents are not around but I seem to get this guilt from my siblings quite often and then they use their kids to find out if I am stopping by. When I got to their homes it seems to be the same way we were parented is how they are parenting. It sends me back to childhood. I get all this anxiety and depression. It is pretty bad. I want to talk about my life and share but it is criticized everything from my dating, religious beliefs to the next. Can someone help? I know to forgive. I am already getting anxiety about going tomorrow. How do you call someone and say uh you give me anxiety and I can't stand you at this time. Then I don't want to lie. I need help. Im not in the program,just found this on a whim. Is their a way to join and does it cost money

woodbridge · Post by **woodbridge** » Fri Dec 25, 2009 5:01 am

Hi,

I found my program materials used on Craigslist. As for the family matters, I know exactly where you're coming from. Is there a quick solution? No, I don't think so. It's something we have to pick apart piece by piece and find resolution with each part. I'm in that process right now. We can't change our parents or siblings to behave the way we want them to. We can only develop skills and construct a dialog that enables us to interact with them without compromising ourselves any more than we already have.

Good luck and Merry Christmas.

W

cuttingirl · Post by **cuttingirl** » Fri Dec 25, 2009 6:12 am

Originally posted by Kgirl:
I knew that in order for me to heal and not suffer anymore that I had to distance myself from that toxic environment until I had the necessary tools and coping skills to continue having a relationship with her...

What wonderful words. I feel like I have permission to do this now... I've been feeling guilty about avoiding/ distancing but you articulated what I'm doing and where I am in a way that takes the guilt out of this journey of health and balance and boundaries. Thank you so much! My Christmas alone is a little more enhanced and feels more "right" now