Family members using guilt...

P&P · Post by **P&P** » Sun Aug 16, 2009 3:29 am

First off, I want to say I like helping my family out and I have done lots for them. But I often feel like I give, give, give to my sister and don't receive as much back. She's always asking favors. The other night we had gone to see a movie and after it was done, she wanted to go to the store. I was super exhausted after having been up since 7:00 that morning, on a Saturday. I just wanted to go home. She started guilting me when I said no, first she said she wouldn't have a car to get to a store, then when she found out she did have the car, she said the store that was closest to her was so much more expensive. So I finally drove her to the store. I have such a hard time saying no when it's family because I was always raised to "help each other out." I just feel like when she asks for anything, she always expects the answer to be "yes" and if it isn't then she guilts me into doing it. This is one of the reasons my boyfriend broke up with me because he felt like I don't stand up for myself and say no. Which made me feel even worse, because I started to think "maybe he was right." I just find when I try bringing anything up, she's super defensive and I get absolutely no where.
Any thoughts?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Aug 16, 2009 11:09 am

Hi,

I think the book, "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud would be very helpful to you in this area.

Take care,
luvpiggy

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Aug 16, 2009 11:13 am

Luvpiggy I have always wanted to read that too. I should see if the library has a copy. I am still waiting for Lucinda's From Panic to Power to come back.
As far as boundaries go I often remember a quote from Dr Phil I heard once and it stuck with me, "We teach people how to treat us"
I think I need to make a large poster of that to hang up in my living room ! ;P
Anyway take care and I hope things are looking
up for you.

Jill~

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Aug 16, 2009 2:52 pm

One of the hardest things for me to remember is, it is okay to say no! Also, nobody can MAKE us feel guilty. We make ourselves feel this way when we feel we aren't living up to the expectations of others. It's a catch-22, I know. It is easy for me to type these things, but living by them is another chapter!!

Good luck! I am right there with you on the "guilt factor"!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Aug 16, 2009 4:27 pm

I can't remember which CD it is, but it is recommended to use a very short response. "I'm sorry, I can't do it" The shorter the better or you start making excuses and before you know it, you are doing what you didn't want to do.

Even when they say "but why"
"sorry I just can't"

"but it will only take a few minutes"
"sorry"

"aw, are you serious?"
"yes"

"I can't believe this!"
"sorry"

The first time is always hard, but it gets easier. I think we do this because we want people to like us, but we shouldn't be liked just for doing things we don't want to do.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 17, 2009 7:02 am

I live in a community residence and have for the past 5 1/2 years. They want to make me move to more independent living because I have shown more independent behaviors (returning to school on my own, taking the bus on my own, etc.) I feel like they are trying to push my buttons--just because I have done those things I don't feel I can live completely alone--I am on self-medication (with supervision), but I feel I would add to that medication with alcohol and become even more depressed and anxious if I lived alone. I am listening to the tapes, but am still skeptical about the program. I know I don't exercise enough (it's really hot here today and they are not encouraging exercise). I am looking for a part time job along with attending therapy. I may return to school to take a few courses, but part of me feels like I'll never get a job anyway. I only want to work about 15-20 hours a week doing clerical work, as I don't want to lose my Social Security Disability and medical benefits just in case I lose the job even if I can get one. I have only gone on a few interviews and always have low expectations--even though I thought my last interview went rather well. I also am going to take refresher driving lessons, as I want to buy a used car within the next few years. I haven't driven since 2002 when I gave up my car. My sister makes fun of me because she doesn't understand why I can't live alone--I feel insecure and anxious and depressed. Are you feeling any of the same things? Denise L., Rochester, NY