I have learned more than five years of therapy

[CynthiaLove21]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Cynthia and I am hailing from Prince Edward Island, Canada.

I have suffered severe anxiety & depression, along with symptoms of PTSD, since 2007. It was so bad at one point that I became a recluse because of the symptoms that I expressed when anxiety hit...which was very frequent. I would begin to have violent muscle twitches that would make it seem like I had some sort of seizure condition. Doctors checked it all....and found nothing. I was too embarassed to go anywhere.

I did manage to regain my ability to go places after I accepted my illness and stopped fighting and avoiding it. I stopped being embarassed and took on an attitude of not caring what people thought. It was so bad that when it happened people would steer their children away from me....and yet, my mind was perfectly fine inside while this was going on. I started with one restaurant....and then added another....and so on and so on.

A few years back I did some research on the medicine that I was taking at the time and found out that one of my meds had actually been causing involuntary muscle spasms as a side effect. It was a medicine that was given to me to help me sleep at night. Unfortunately, it made me over excited and kept me awake all night. They then advised for me to take it in the morning so that it would keep me up during the day. Made sense....but, if you stop and think about it....why continue taking a medicine that you are having adverse reactions to in the first place?

Against my doctors wishes, I informed him that I was going to get off this medication in case it was causing my physical anxiety symptoms. I said, "what do I have to lose? I can't work....I can barely form sentences from all the drugs I am on....I need to try this." So, I tapered off the drug over a year and a half (I was on a high dose of this Benzo)....AND, I GOT MY LIFE BACK.

The pseudo seizures stopped gradually. In fact, three years later I might have had one minor one in all that time. My panic/anxiety is more classical at this time. I am still unable to work...but, at least I am not afraid to go places and can seem fine on the outside in public. But, I am not fine. I am angry all the time. My anxiety is over-powering and happens for no reason. It can be triggered by certain noises and situations....but, also just randomly. I have been affected by the way that people treated me during my early days of illness in ways that I am struggling to overcome. I am defensive and over-reactive. I have turned into somebody that I am really not. I am not the same person before my anxiety/depression overtook me....but, I am certainly not this person, either.

I bought this program a couple years ago and never actually did it. A few weeks ago, I picked it up and decided to give it my best effort. Wow. I have learned more about cognitive therapy and my illness than I did in five years of therapy. I am in session nine right now....I listen....then I listen again taking notes...and then I do the workbook. I have always denied having depression. For some reason it was okay to say that I had an issue with my "fight or flight mechanism"...but, it felt like a sign of weakness for me to admit that I am suffering from depression. Truth be told, I have learned more about depression in ways that have opened my eyes to the fact that it is not what I had stereotyped in my mind. I was thinking that I had bipolar disorder because of my mood swings and bouts of anger.....none of the anti-anxiety/depression meds seem to help me that much. But, now as I go through this program, I realize that I am not terminally stuck in this in a body that is out of control. I can change this. I now understand what I am going through.....and have learned some tools that can help me through the episodes and minimize their occurences.

For the first time, I have hope. I am already feeling empowered and have incorporated several of the techniques into my life successfully. I have a long way to go....but, I am ready to do it. After all these years being stuck at home, it is time to rejoin life and get working again. I see myself in absolutely every session as if they are writing about me. I have been able to take this knowledge and go back through my life with a new perspective and understanding about why this disorder came to be in my life. I was a successful career woman before I was derailed by a situation that occurred at work. It was then that all the things that I had locked up came flooding out and took control of my emotions, my thoughts, and my health. I am NOT a stay at home person....and I am sure that my lack of control of my own body and situation made everything worse. But, I am ready to get out there and let my anxiety happen...(LOL). I realized that I am avoiding my fears of the workplace and that the only way to overcome them is to get out there and practice making a change in the way that I react to my anxiety.

Thank you thank you for creating this program. I needed somebody to explain to me what was going on with my body and why it was happening. And, most of all....you guys are the only ones who have made me realize that there is nothing wrong with me. That I can fix this and get my life back. I wish all the therapists that I had seen over the years would take this course and realize that they were not teaching me anything during the sessions.

Sincerely,

Cynthia

PS. All the posts on here are so OLD....if there is anybody out there that is going through this program in the fall of 2016....comment below. Maybe we can keep in touch.

[CynthiaOctober]

Hi, Cynthia! Indeed these posts are OLD. I am new to the program also, now on Session 6. I agree that this is very effective. It was hard for me to take time and slow down to spend a week on each lesson, but I am fine now. How are you doing now?