Empowering Group Program Run-through part9

[Ninjafrodo2]

Lesson 9- Get off the guilt and worry tredmill

Great lesson and partially an extension of the last one (If you are worrying then you are anticipating in a negative way) plus a bit more with the guilt.

Guilt is a pretty heavy thing and actually guilt itself is what got me stuck with the anxiety and depression in the first place. Guilt itself with proper understanding and when proper action is taken can be really useful but when it is improperly understood and handled then it can just keep us stuck which is what it did with me.

I think in general guilt is something that is highly misunderstood in society and its very easy to get stuck in it and I've had to do alot of research and go through many experiences before I really understood how it worked and I want to share that with you guys in order to shed some light and hopefully break free of the continual guilt cycle.

So here we go. Guilt;
Guilt is not actually an emotion, it is a state of being...you are either guilty of doing something wrong or you are not guilty, the emotion that is really involved here is shame and this might seem unimportant but one of the things I've found and that I've read about is that as long as you keep seeing yourself as guilty, you will continue to have urges to do things and will do them that will keep you being guilty. Guilt also has a way of sabotaging your positive efforts and closes you off from feeling good and why is that? Well if you feel bad about yourself and hold a really strong belief that you are a bad person, your brain will keep you stuck in a pattern that reaffirms that belief because beliefs are self-sustaining and as a way of self protection, our brains maintain a belief whether it is good for us or not. So its good to deal with our guilt and shame so we can avoid or jump out of that negative cycle.


So What relieves the guilt are these things;

1)allowing yourself to feel the shame, to go through that feeling and to let it pass.

2)Acknowledge why you did it...perhaps there was some pain underneath this and you were doing your best in order to meet your needs but unfortunately your attempts hurt another person but you couldn't see any other way and you did the best you could do (this is not about blaming yourself, this is about understanding yourself, why it happened and giving yourself compassion because you were hurting and were trying to take care of yourself)


3)Change your approach or do something to remedy the situation. This may mean that you appologize if the situation calls for it and then look for a better way to meet your needs. You may need to research, you may need to ask for help, you may need to journal things out...whatever it takes, do the best you can to find a better way of doing and being. And have realistic expectations, changing this behavior might take some time, so be patient and even let people know that you are doing your best to change if that feels right for you.

4)See yourself as a new person who behaves in a healthier way. Its so easy to identify ourselves based on what we did in the past by saying stuff like...."I always do this" and this could be that negative behavior pattern.


There are several things I would like to post for you when it comes to guilt which I plan to do throughout this week. Forgiveness is a big part of that as well...so stay tuned!


Mike

[THH]

LOL...The picture is very fitting. WORRY ~ ME????

I tend to worry about what ifs! I worry more than feel guilt. I may worry that I don't feel guilt! Worry & what if are basically the same thing, to me.
Loved: For your Consideration:
Worry is depressing
Worry is a control issue
Worry is imagining life the way you don't want it to happen.
worry is a wasted effort
Worry creates a mental picture that our brain responds to as if it were real.
Worry is a choice
Worry is in a form of thoughts...thoughts are not necessarily facts.
Worry is not magic
Worry is mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting.

These are great for me I should write them down on my hand. LOL...

I feel guilt too, when I don't do something I think I should of. I feel guilt at times saying no. I feel guilt at myself if I am having a anxious episode and had been doing real well.

I did a brave thing today, I had a gift to regift something we don't eat and I knew my uncle eats these. So I was going to give this stuff to him, but really did not want to go down there. I have put it off long enough and I went down. Hoping he would not be there, but totally prepared if he was. I have had many conflicts here for my whole past. Older man with a more than grumpy attitude.
Fate had it, he was home. I delivered the goods, and he was as pleasant and friendly as I could ever expect. I had a good conversation, felt good when I left. Maybe next time I won't procrastinate the dreaded visit, rather know there is a heartfelt person who can't express himself only a certain way.
Glad I went.

[bradley1960]

Ninja, I really appreciate you pointing out in the words you used that shame is the emotion and guilt is a state of being. that spoke to me. So did your affirmation THH that read worrying is seeing life the way you don't want it to be. These statements are both things I've read but the new wording turned on the light bulb (for lack of better wording). I will post these tonight where I will see them daily as reminders. Thank you both for your commitment to this site. God bless, Bradley

[Ninjafrodo2]

THH;
Great job with the regifting thing...I bet before you got there you already imagined how he would act all negative and be grumpy and how it would feel overwhelming and then got a suprise when it was quite the opposite. Did he share with you why he was feeling happy?

I'm the same with you on the worry and the guilt although not so much as before with the guilt where I didn't do what I intended to do but definately if I gave into the anxiety especially if I was doing well before. It gets challenging. Oh and i'm glad you liked the picture, I thought it was quite comical.


Bradley1960;
Nice to see that you are still around and yeah there was a situation that came up where I was feeling a tremendous ammount of guilt and it was so overwhelming and the guy who was involved didn't want to talk to me so we could sort things out and so I had to go in search of information and that was part of my findings. I found that in the book "The language of emotions", it was very helpful.

I also want to mention that sometimes when we read things or get information in other ways and intellectually it might make a bit of sense but not fully...we may get the same information several times but then at some point something happens and it clicks and we fully get it. I think it finally clicks when we get it on an emotional level, in my opinion. Anyways i'm really glad that this helped you out.





So I've been going on with my facing of anxieties and it gets challenging but I'm still doing it. I am realizing that acknowledging the accomplishment is alot bigger than it sounds...to actually take the time to pat yourself on the back and see the good you do is really important in order to see that you are capable of facing your fears and moving forward....acknowledging the accomplishment is acknowledging your power and it is also gathering evidence for the new belief that you are capable, you are strong and that you can overcome difficult situations...we want as much evidence as we can get in order to really anchor in that belief and live from that place instead of staying with the belief that we are weak and that its too difficult, painful and dangerous...ect.

By the way I wanted to share one of my assertive type fear facings. So I realized one night that we all of a sudden had no shower curtains, they had vanished and they were not there even when I got up the next day. Earlier that day my landlord complained that he found paper circles from a hole punch behind the garbage and asked me if I did it and well I was hole punching just before the new year and I guess not all the holes got in the garbage and I said sorry, or oops or something

....anyways so my mind started to try to understand what was going on. It must have been the landlord because nobody else touches the curtains...he didn't even have the descency to tell us that he took them off, he should have said something but he is just really inconsiderate...I hate how he doesn't communicate with us, he always does this....I need to be assertive and let him know that he isn't going to do this to us...but he is a jerk and he is going to tell us that it is his house and we have to live by his rules or get out (he has said this before by the way) and then i'm going to be so angry and the only way I can get through to him is to threaten to find a new place...yeah I'll just tell him if he is going to treat us with that kind of disrespect that he can find a new tenant to take my place...but what-if he doesn't change? If I don't find another place then he will think i'm full of it and then walk all over me because he wouldn't believe what I say the next time and if I do look for a place then what-if I can't find one because who is going to rent to someone who isn't currently employed? Even if I am on disability......so finally I do end up confronting him, i'm expecting some kind of fight or disrespect from his part but thinking ok well I have to say something, I have to do it for my own sanity and so i'm not stuck resenting myself....and this is what happened....

He came into the house through the downstairs door like he always does, I walked into the kitchen feeling a slight thumping in my chest and feeling a bit more spacy then I usually do as my anxiety and stress level has elevated a bit. I'm not feeling sheer panic or anxiety at this moment but i'm about moderately anxious...maybe about a 5 or 6 out of 10. I mentioned that the guy who checked out the room hadn't come yet today in order to make a deposit like he said he would around that time (I was nervous and I had to break the ice with something so I used that). I then asked him what happened with the shower curtains and to my surprise this was his answer;
->I went to wash them because they were all dirty. Zoran (which was a roommate who went back to his country in December) said they could be washed in the washing machine and the first time it was fine but I put them in this time and the washing machine tore them to crap.

So my mind came up with this big story about how the landlord was intentionally trying to get back at us and that he would be a jerk if I was assertive with him and in all reality, he tried to clean the curtains because they were dirty and in the process they were destroyed and he couldn't replace them because he gets home late, wakes up for 1 or 2am to head to work and then doesn't get back until like 6pm the next day. So I made myself angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious and hopeless just because of the story I told myself and believed about the situation....Can anybody relate to this one?


Mike

[Ninjafrodo2]

I know this weeks subject is on guilt and worry but it does touch on forgiveness and there was a point when I had to learn what it was and how to do that...it was mainly for the hurt caused towards me, I had to learn to let it go because it was eating me up inside and learning how to forgive others is also similar to learning how to forgive yourself....and in order to learn what forgiveness is, I think its important to understand first what forgiveness is not (since we all have different perceptions of what it is and what it isn't and there are alot of misunderstanding that I want to clear up).

This video that I found helped me tremendously in figuring this out. I'll let you know now that it is highly religeous and I am not highly religeous and do not follow christian beliefs but that being said the main overall message is a really good one. If you are religeous and you follow the religeous aspects of this video then great, if not then just ignore those parts and focus on the overall picture of what this guy is saying, it has the potential to bring relief or at least it did for me...i hope it does for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB0OhnhJe-M


Mike

[THH]

Bradley1960,
Join in if you would like! I too read things that connect with me. Saying it in different words really gives one a chance to see what it means to you personally. I get something different each time I have gone though the program. God Bless you too, and all your hard work!
Thanks for reading and posting.

Mike,
No he did not share in his happiness. But I could tell he was content, and seamed pleased with the regift.

Oh yes, I have personalized many things in my mind and many times gotten mad about something. Only to find out my thinking was all wrong. It is hard to stay non-judgmental, slowing down the thoughts to stay in a neutral zone until all the facts are gathered. It is a great example though, and I kind of did the same thing going down to my Uncles. Having a memory of 9 out of 10 times being correct, this time through me off guard. Good lesson for me too. And for me gives me something different to think about.

After reading my original post, I reread it and removed it as I felt like it was going wrong topic.

[THH]

I will repost this link under the right heading.

[forever young 06]

we are soon going to have another week in. Yesterday I did a little facing. I was to have a mammogram and it is at the hospital and I didn't realize going there made me feel uncomfortable. I pushed thru and kept up a good attitude. I am also working on being a morning loving and caring person. I think with this condition we think so much about ourselves and if we thonght more of others it would help us. with me being at home so much I don't get the chance to be nice to others. but when I was leaving the hospital I saw an older lady in the parking lot trying to put on a jacket. I stopped and helped her and felt better about it. I have thought about volunteering some where. I even want to go to the nursing home and spend time with other lonely people. I feel by helping others I can help myself feel better. I miss working and being in contact with people. I feel like that might help me feel like getting another job even if it was part time which I always thought I would love to do.

[THH]

It is very hard to believe we have another week in. I too have had various challenges that are keeping me in practice. I had the flu last month and I am having some ear trouble sense then. It could be sinus related as well. I have been doing my home care for weeks. I am going to see my doctor on Monday, to see what is going on. I'm staying in the moment, and trying not to what if, or worry. This whole thing has been very long, and I have got to be on the tail end of it!

ForeverYoung,
Good for you getting your mam. I have to go in April. Good for you on wanting to help others too! I agree, by staying home more and not being around people it is easy to become self absorbed. These months for Mid East are hard. Its cold dark and hard to stay motivated.
I have been making a list of things to do when this weather starts to improve. It keeps my mind busy and I can then look at it when the time comes and do the things I have down on paper.
Good plan for yourself!

[Ninjafrodo2]

I'm still going strong with the limitation facing. I'm still using that setup and it seems to be working out very well for me. I don't always have great turn outs when I do face my limitations but then when I look at it, I realize that so far the reason that it doesn't turn out was because of some issue involving my thinking.

Another thing that is really helping out alot is setting out intentions for the day at the beginning of the day or just before i'm faced with a challenging situation. I put my mind into a position of possibilities and my focus on where I want things to turn and it seems that I do end up getting at least some of that intention fulfilled. My favorate intentions are;
Today I'm going to feel deeply satisfied and fulfilled,
Today i'm going to love myself unconditionally,
Today i'm going to feel successful for my accomplishments,
Today an unexpected surprise is awaiting me.
This is really law of attractiony but it really does work. 3 days ago my unexpected surprise was that I saw a bunny rabbit while walking home...it was so cute. Another day i tried these ink cartidges that bought and found that I ordered the wrong ones but then something told me to put in the old color ink cartridge that I tried to refill before and it didn't work...well I tried it this time and it did and I was able to print out another page of pictures. The most interesting thing though...I wrote out some positive what-ifs just before talking to someone new on the phone and this is some of what I wrote;
What-if as a result I end up meeting more wonderful people who I connect with better than anybody else in my life? And what if I end up meeting more people who are inline with who I want to be and my goals? What if as a result I get new info that helps me move forward in my own personal path?
I had also intended the conversation to flow easily, to have a good time talking to him on the phone, to enjoy myself and feel a connection with him.

Well the conversation went easily and there were no worries about running out of what to say, I did enjoy talking to him and I did feel a connection to him. The guy also has a connection with shiatsu (which is what I'm trainned in) and he loves it, he also took time off work in order to re-evaluate his life and said it is a great thing and that more people should do that, he has done mindfulness meditation like me, he knows about Krav Maga (the martial art i'm taking), he is very interested in the CBT stuff, and he has moved from one place here in toronto to another place while he took time off from work and I've been wanting to move for awhile but have been scared because i'm not employed yet and am afraid people won't rent to me because of that, so I think I could get some information about his experience and how he handled the situation and that could help me to find a better place and that would mean a better environment and that would help me out more overall! Compare this last paragraph with the intentions and the positive what-ifs and see what you think!


THH;
Sounds good and I love how life and these lessons seem to coincide. Many times I have to tell myself i'm just telling myself a story and that usually works, I usually remind myself that as I replace thoughts on paper and its pretty cool to see how my perception can change so much because of it.

What was it that was wrong topic? and what topic did you post in?

and what do you and forever mean by another week in?

ForeverYoung;
Good job with the mammogram.

Helping others is definately a very honorable and wonderful thing but don't forget yourself in the process as that is very easy to do...Remember in the book how it mentions how we think alot about ourselves when we are hurting and how anxiety is like an anvil that has fallen on your toe...anxiety hurts and so of course we'd be thinking more about ourselves. I'm not trying to discourage you, this may very well be a good move that could help to compliment your efforts but i'm just concerned that this may be a distraction from helping yourself. These are just my thoughts and opinions and I could be wrong, just take this as another perspective and do with it what you will.



We start the next lesson tomorrow.

Mike