Trying

Tea Break · Post by **Tea Break** » Thu Apr 23, 2009 3:46 pm

I'm on the second session this week, and I have so many doubts. Honestly, my commitment to this program is not 100%. I've skipped a day or two here and there during sessions one & two, because things came up & I didn't have the time. So I ended up extending my time with session one...and may do the same for session two. My procrastination is one of the worst things that I posess.
I am giving this a chance, but I feel as if I am so messed up and too far gone inside that sometimes I think that this will not work for me. I've lived with anxiety since I was 5 or 6 years old....And I 've had depression since I was about 12 or 13. I don't know any other way to be...In a sick way, it's like these disorders are a security blankett for me.
But I really do want to change...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:11 pm

It's ok that we have a bit of skepticism about this. I too have had anxiety and depression for a long time. It ruined my life! I couldn't be normal. I would vomit whenever I had to be in a car with someone who was a friend or, even worse, boyfriend. Was there an event that happened at a younger age that could have caused you to start this thinking process? I know mine started when I was being sexually assaulted by a family member. This is how I pinpointed where my attacks started. I realized after a boyfriend would try to kiss me and I'd run away to vomit. I hope you and I can start to change our behavior and way of thinking no matter how comfortable it may seem to us.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:55 pm

I am the same way Tea Break. I kept putting it off, and feeling like I wasn't doing it right. I really thought and still sometimes think I am the worst case of all time, and there is no way this can help. I'm on Session 4 now. I'm accepting that I do not have to everything perfectly. There is no right and wrong, and most importantly I am doing this program for ME, because I have suffered enough. I am so sick of not living and being miserable. If I take 10 days to a session, its okay. I am the one who will benefit if I do this. I am the one who will suffer longer if I dont. I am trying really hard to take it easy. SO difficult but so do-able. Changing is realllly hard. We have the power to change and stop the pain. I keep telling myself "Progress not Perfection".
I procrastinate a lot also. It cause me so much anxiety. Believing I have the power to stop my panic attacks seems so hard to grasp, but it is true and if we keep at this we will over come. (this pep talk was for you, and me! haha. good luck)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:10 pm

I've had the kit for over a month. The day it arrived I listened to the Relaxation CD, Intro CD once, then put the kit underneath my bed until today. I woke up sad (I always do), finally figured I have no excuses anymore. I always find ways to ignore my problems. Distractions, now I realize. All distractions from myself. I always think, "Why haven't I accomplished most of anything I thought I would have by now." I'm smart, yet somehow ignorant or insensitive, or too sensitive. I used to think I would be doing something important or relevant, have friends, go places. I have no one and no place to go. It's just me now. My kids have outgrown me. Why didn't I plan for that? What was I thinking? Raising three babies distracted me from myself for quite awhile. I never thought I could feel so alone. I am responsible for myself, but I don't care much about myself. Sometimes I do. Today I listened to the relaxation CD twice and session one. I can't even picture any recovery from my negative thoughts. They've always been there. How is it possible this course can change fifty years of negative self talk? I just don't see it happening, but I have nothing left, no where else to turn. I've laid in bed mourning four years too long over my daughters' leaving me alone. I set my life aside to raise my kids. No men, period. My life was making my kids' lives better (I thought), making it right after their dad left us in 1993. Somehow it backfired, everything is gone now. I have to face myself in the mirror, regrets and all, and tell myself I didn't know the best way. I wasn't always the perfect mom. If I were, why did they leave? Of course, how silly of me to think I could do any better than my parents did. Now I realize how the cycle of life repeats. I need to let go and love myself again, but I don't know if I ever will again. I'll stop now because I think I'm depressing others who need encouragement, reading my "feeling sorry for myself" sob stories is of no help to others. I am having trouble sleeping. Today was really hard to get through. This will be the hardest journey I've ever taken. I don't know if I'm able, but now I realize why I've been avoiding it for so long. It's going to take all of my brain power to care enough to save myself, and now I know it's all up to me. I can't blame other people anymore. It's all on me. The weight feels extremely heavy at this moment, but I will stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to. I have a life to live, and I desperately want to love it and quit wasting, procrastinating, worrying, thinking if I can't do it right, just don't do it at all, stay in bed. It's rediculous, logically and utterly rediculous. I don't know how to spell rediculous, and I'm not going to look it up (like I usually do) because I don't care for, once, if I misspelled a word. Thank you for reading this long, tedious babbling. It's the first time I've written on this thing and my first day with the program, and I did do the session one workbook, of that I'm proud.