Anxiety with Scary Obsessive Thought Even For Me

[Peace1217]

Hi. I read many of the posts and I finally got up the nerve to write because I even think this is an odd thought and it scares me. Let me start my by saying I'm on pristique, lamictal and klonopin.I started having panic attacks at 23, out of the blue, of course, I'm now 39. They and I have been treated very well for that past 10 years. I had the usual scary thoughts - I'm going to pass out, go crazy, make a fool of myself. Needed to sit exists in order to be able to leave fast, if needed. I was afraid of holding a coworkers baby for fear I may hurt him. Did I? Of course not.
This past September my Psych died, I found a new doctor who didn't like how much klonopin I was on. (4mg a day) It was a lot and making my cognitive abilies impaired. I was a little apprehensive to taper down but I did it. He wanted me off the klonopin. I took my last pill in the beginning of March. Immediately, I was having withdrawal. It was awful, but I stayed with it because I knew these pills weren't "good". He said to take as needed. Which I started to do. As needed became .25 mg everyday. One of my thoughts through the years was I was afraid I was going to take off my clothes. Well, guess what? That thought came back. It's horrible. I feel like with this Dr. I went back years on my recovery. Today, I sit at home, faking a stomach virus so I don't have to go to work, for fear of taking off my clothes. I don't even think a panic attack woould set it off. I feel like I will just do it. This is day 3. I plan on going to work tomorrow but I don't know how to calm this thought and it leaves me so distressed that I feel like I don't want to work anymore. Ugh. I feel like nothing will help. I'm afraid I will be carted off to Bellevue. Can anyone help me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and good health to all of you - Panic and depression and obsessive thoughts is something none of us should go through.

[Iwillbebetter]

When you start having these feelings, I think it is most important what you say to yourself from there. Don't feed the fear anylonger!! I know you have the feeling you may do this, and or thought, but ask yourself is this really something you would do?? NO it's not!! I wish I remember what session, but I remember them saying something about that in one of the group talks on one of the CD's. I would treat that feeling as a panick attack and talk yourself down from it. The more you think about it or beleive you MIGHT do it, the more you are feeding it, which means the longer you are allowing it to stay... it's time to kick it out. You CAN do it!!

[NeverQuit]

Great advice Iwillbebetter!

I don't know where you are at the with the program, but the obsessive thinking lesson is an AWESOME one to listen to for thoughts like this!!! You are just trying to scare yourself - that's all that this thought is, is an anxious, scary thought! You need to put up a mental STOP sign.

Get underneath the scary thought - ask yourself, WHY am I distracting myself with this thought? Because that is really all that this thought is - a distraction from something that you just don't feel like dealing with! I know that's hard to see, and you might not be able to figure it out right away, but that is exactly what is happening.

Lucinda says that the fact that this thought scares you means that you WOULD NEVER DO IT!!!!! This is SO true, yet so hard for our brains to believe for some reason. But keep telling yourself this!! If you face your fear, you will feel so much better for having done it and talked yourself through it than if you continue to avoid situations out of fear. When we avoid, we just continue the cycle in our minds. You need to put up a mental stop sign and show yourself that this is just a scary thought - you are NOT going to act on it!!

You can do it!! You are just a very creative, analytical, smart individual who needs a creative outlet. Come up with some distractions for yourself, something POSITIVE to do that will take you out of this anxious cycle!

I also encourage you to exercise - this is one of the best ways for me to help myself break an anxious thought pattern. Get outside, listen to the lesson as you walk in the sun, but make sure to do it because the natural endorphins it releases are incredibly helpful.

Keep up with the hard work! Don't give up with the program. Do the lessons, as hard as it is, and you WILL get benefits!!

God bless and praying for you!

[Peace1217]

Thank you so much for replying NeverQuit and Iwillbebetter. I was nervous no one would respond and that I was really bonkers. Your responses are great. I did pull out the book today and the other day I listened to the tape on Obsessive, Scary thoughts. The reading today did help. I can't stand this cycle especially when I haven't had it in so long. I was beginning to think I went back to square one.

NeverQuit - For the last few weeks I've been remembering that if the thought scares me means that I WOULD NEVER DO IT. but in the back of my mind it was just hovering over me. The what if's.
At work, last week I was saying to myself, Do you want to go to the hospital? My answer would be No. Then don't do it.
Today I said, "Do you want to take your clothes off?" "NO" - "So what's the problem". I love that inner dialog......insert scarcasm....
Iwillbebetter - Today I realized it is the anxious state that keeps me thinking that thought. So in my infinite wisdom I said Stop being anxious, work on what is making you anxious and then just relax. So I am doing that.

Today I went to the store. Small feat for some but not for us...........But I went and of course nothing happened and thankfully I wasn't as panicky as I thought I would be.

I refuse to be back where I was in my 20's, even then I NEVER took off of work for anxiety and panic. I worked. It was awful but I continued to work.

It's the baby steps that help...hmm?

[NeverQuit]

Great job changing your self-talk! I totally understand the sarcasm when speaking to yourself, I think that's really helpful sometimes. I get to that point when I am really obsessive, where I just get angry at the thought!

One thing that Lucinda says is that you can never go back, once you have learned these skills you will never go back to where you were. We do have set-backs, or growth-spurts! But we can never go back once we have learned these skills, and that's a great thing to remember!

I am still struggling with this, but I am TEN times better than I was a year and a half ago, or two years ago. I thank God for this program! He has truly blessed me through it.

Glad to hear you're doing better!!

[Iwillbebetter]

Peace, you are most welcome for the response!! Such a daring post, I couldn't leave it unanswered!! I know how I would have felt posting something so personal, with no reply!! I must say you should be proud of yourself for that post, I don't know that I would have had that courage yet... the whole "what will people think thing"

Sounds like you did very well with it!! I love the sarcasm!! Sometimes we need that also!! So much of what we tell ourselves just isn't true, but still we beleive, when we can break it down and see the lies for what they really are, they lose their power!!

I think especially in the beginning baby steps are the only way to go!! They help show us we can do it, without setting ourselves up for failure over and over!! This is deffinatly not a "leaps and bounds" kind of thing, as much as we would like it to be!!

Neverquite - I love your advise!! And I am moving to session 9 Monday (Not sure which that is...) I am exited for the Obsessive thinking, as I do still have some of this, but I actually found a lot of my obsessive thinking to fade with the negative thoughts. A big one I had was driving. I never kept myself from driving, but couldn't recall a time I drove without thinking about driving into walls, off bridges, into rivers and lakes. Sometimes I could even almost see myself doing it!! That has almost completely faded after the positive self talk session!! Although it does still linger at times, So I think the obsessive thinking will help.

Get underneath the scary thought - ask yourself, WHY am I distracting myself with this thought? Because that is really all that this thought is - a distraction from something that you just don't feel like dealing with! I know that's hard to see, and you might not be able to figure it out right away, but that is exactly what is happening.

This is very interesting to me. I will keep this in mind also, I never really thought about that or realized it!!

[Peace1217]

Iwillbebetter- Thank you so much. I did go through, "What will people think if I write this"? I was scared of putting it out there but I'm kind of glad I did. You advice has been really helpful and I want to thank you.

NeverQuit - I get mad too because sometimes I just think, how much more am I going to put myself through? We all deserve a break, and even better, a looong one, from these thoughts and feelings and just allow ourselves to be. To remind ourselves that we can be confident, proactive, and that we contribute positive things to this world and ourselves.
Thank you for reminding me that we can not go back. What a calming thought that is.

Good news afoot - I found another Dr. who I went to meet two weeks ago. He sat with me for 2 hrs. I never had a doctor do that. Talk about thorough! I will see him again next week. He's young so I think I will be helping him learn things too. Haha.

Thank you both so much for your thoughts and ideas. It has been really, very helpful.

[lucy knepp]

Oh those thoughts! Dang 'em! When will it end? Ok no more whining.....I am going to get it together ....God is good! He knows I am depressed and he is there........I need to talk to him more. Love you all We are strong!
Lucy