caught up in the past

[n_smile]

I am writing because I am hoping that someone will be able to give me clarity about two issues that I am dealing with. The issues that weigh heavily on my mind are an ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago and the fact that I didn't get accepted into medical school. Lets deal with the boyfriend situation first. He was a high-school boyfriend and I broke up with him before my 2nd year in college because I didn't want a long distance relationship. We did stay in touch on and off though. Now for like the past 4 years that I am aware of, I constantly think about him to the point that I compare other guys to him. Most of the time I would say that I really don't want to be with him anymore. But whenever I see him with another girl I get angry and very anxious. And I think what really makes me mad is that I haven't been in a relationship since him and he has had several girlfriends. And we have mutual friends so I always seem to bump into him. Whenever I am in the same room with him I get very anxious. Why? And what should I do so that I can move on? I feel that he has control over my life. Im sure that he is not aware of it, but he really does. I now even live in a different city, partly as an escape from him but the thoughts are still there and I am sure that I will run into him over the holidays. I feel that everything that I do and the guys that I date all have to be someone he would approve of or be jealous of. Why?
The other thing that I struggle with is the fact that I feel like a failure because I didn't get into medical school. And now 5 years after I graduated from undergrad it still bothers me. Right now I am not very content with my life but I know what I would like to do as a career and I really don't even need to go to medical school in order to achieve it, but still some part of me wants to apply again to see if I get in so that I can just stay that I did it. I do feel like that is a very dumb reason to sacrifice my time and money for 4 plus years, especially since I can be an NP,and do what I want to do quicker and cheaper. Still I can't seem to move on. And again I feel really bad when I run into an old classmates that did go to med school or I run into someone that I haven't seen in years and they stay I thought that you were going to medical school. That just ruins my day. Should I go to med school? Or is there any suggestions on how to cope and be free from my past? I really would like to free myself of these depressing thoughts.

[Guest]

I know that feeling you have about the ex boyfriend.. I wish I could tell you how to fix it. The only thing that SOMETIMES works for me is telling myself that I am not with him for a reason and if I was suppose to be with him, I would be. it worked for a while.. now i am married and i sometimes compare my husband to "the guy" when we don't agree on something..(he's sensitive and i have anger issues with my anxiety) I think this wouldn't even be an argument with him, but then I snap back into reality and know that my husband doesn't ever compare to him.. there is no comparing. THEY Aren't the same person silly.. you don't really even know if what you are thinking ohh "that guy" wouldn't get mad.. how do you know??

i guess thats my only advice.. sorry if it's bad.. it works like i said sometimes.