Assertiveness woes

[Gigi123]

I've been having problems with my mother. This is nothing new, I've been dealing with the same thing for YEARS. However, as I've become more assertive and haven't allowed her to guilt me into doing things for her, she's gotten even more difficult to deal with. It's a long and complicated history but in short, she never validates any of my feelings. When I have tried expressing to her in a calm, mature manner, she's gotten very angry, usually yells and the entire conversation turns into how awful her life has been and how she's not to blame for anything that's possibly hurt me. I also feel like I'm always the one losing out so that she gets what she wants.

So most recently my boyfriend and I had talked about moving in together, out of the blue we found a place that was a great price and has lots going for it. He's moving this weekend and I'll be moving at the end of November once my lease is up on my current place. My parents also happen to be building a new home, have sold their current home and will be moving out October 1st. Their home however isn't ready until mid to late October. They've known this for some time and were still working out where they would stay. I know my grandparents would definitely take them in during this time and seeing as they're both elderly, could use the help. But my mom decided it would be best if I move out of my place and they sublet it during that period. When she originally brought it up, she sounded so reasonable and said "you guys have to talk this out." So we did and decided this wasn't the best thing for us and not only would I like more time to pack but I want to enjoy these last few months on my own in my place. So I assertively and kindly told my mom it wasn't going to work and she got increasingly annoyed and has been very curt with me ever since. So I don't even know what I'm asking, I just needed to get this all off my chest. I'm happy that I'm becoming more assertive, I just to use to say YES! to everything but I find it so difficult when family is upset or angry with me. How do you deal?

[newrunner]

I am interested in your posting, because I had an experience recently with my dad that reminded me of your situation. Mine is not so all encompassing, but still. The "my way or the highway" and temper tantrums or silent treatment and thinking he can run me over when I am an adult and give him no reason to think that. It really makes me want to just turn away from him and leave him to stew in his juices. But-- that would jeopardize the grandparenting, etc. so that doesn't feel so good.

I feel for you. So proud of you in fact, for really being assertive and I hope that your situation turns out as you hope. You sound like your head is on right and you are moving on. Good luck!

[Gigi123]

Hi Newrunner,

Thanks for the nice response. I do think back to Ken on cd 9 when he talks about being more assertive and family having a hard time with this because they're not longer getting what they want and it can be an adjustment to them as well. I guess I'm "allowing" my mother to drain me and make me feel guilty. I feel like I'm dealing with the assertiveness and doing quite well but still feel guilty at times. I think just because you stand up to your dad doesn't mean that has to come in the middle of him being a grandfather to your children, or the kids seeing him. It's about setting boundaries and I think I've realized that sometimes the people we're standing up to will need time to cool off or stew but we have to try and not allow that to affect us.

[tina martin]

Support both of you in big ways to protect your own boundaries. I've worked at this a long time. A memorable book for me was Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield, MD. What I copied (and still have) is his Personal Bill of Rights, all 36 of them.

You are on the right track. Resist with no guilt whatsoever. Best to you.

[Gigi123]

Hi Tina,

Thanks for your encouragement. I'll have to check that book out, sounds like it would be a good read. I went through a rather difficult childhood and still feel like a little girl inside who's trying SO hard to please her parents. But I'm realizing more and more that I'm making the right decisions and finally taking care of myself. We just had a very busy weekend of moving my boyfriend in and I thought to myself "if I had to do this again at the end of the month, I would just be finished." So I realized then that even though it didn't please my mom in the moment, I would have been a lot more miserable feeling like I was being forced out of my place and not taking care of me.

[tina martin]

Hi Gigi,

Not to make light of your situation, it is undoubtedly tough for you. The power trip for parents is dazzling. They don't want to give it up. I've seen abuses along these lines that do not fool me. Here are a few rights you have:

I have the right to follow my own values and standard
I have a right to make decisions
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others

Have always been on the side of children, including my own who spread their wings, flew far away. Much as I miss them, their life belongs to them, not me. Smile for you.

[pettygil]

Sounds like my mother and for myself speaking.. I just got her out of my life and she is staying out of my life. for 38 years all she has done is pulled mean things on me, she talks bad about people, she yells and she is bi polar as well. She lies and I can't believe anything she says, she has my own kid hating me, that she raised, which I never wanted that. I knew what was going to happen..I was forced to leave my baby with my mom. I was a good mother, but I was told I could not leave and my step dad stood in front of the door, saying your not leaving, unless you leave her here..I never did anything wrong for that to happen. Anyway, now I have a child who hates me because every time my mom is mad, so is my kid, is my mom is not mad at me, then my kid loves me..I see something way wrong with this. my mom has tried to kill me and herself, yet she thought she was so stable to raise my child..But now she is 18 years old and going to collage, from what my aunt told me. My mom will stalk me, and call at least 20 times a day, to leave a message each time, that usually last 15 min, or more, on how bad of a person I am and the people in our family, on and on, just shut up a already please, dang. I could go on, but my point is I have no more time for this crap in my life. I hope one day my kid wants to know me because my door is always open to her. But for now what can I do..I would have to go through my mother and I'm not doing it, as my kid still lives with my mother and she takes care of my step brother, who is mentally handicapped, she has to look at his poop..I heard it on the phone a few times..My kid was saying I don't want to look at his poop..My mother does that to make sure my step brother is not dying and that he is ok, she thinks every one is dying including herself all the time. My mom is sick, she wont get help, so I have accepted that and I am not going to keep playing her games. I feel a lot better without her in my life, yea I still have panic attacks, but I feel a lot better about myself as a person..

[Clarysage]

I can really identify with you. I have had issues with my Mother for years and am finally getting to the point where I can set limits with her. I did go through a lot in years past. I refuse to allow anyone to be abusive to me or exploit their relationship with me. It has taken years for me ..little by little..I have become to value myself and respect myself and learned to stand up for myself and speak up for myself. Boy is that uncomfortable. This has not been easy for me. It was necessary for me to do. I am just not willing to be manipulated and treated badly. Maybe ten years ago I walked out of my Mother's house on Easter ...she was yelling at me and treating me like I was her slave and I said no more and left. She called and left a message on my answer machine ..I just erased it- I didn't even want to hear it . We didn't talk for about 6 months. She modified her behavior somewhat after that. I have to continue to be on guard with her. I have to take care of my needs and well-being ..physically and mentally. I see a counselor also to help me. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. We don't have to let other peoples' sick crazy behavior make us crazy and sick.

She is entitled feel however she chooses. It is her choice. She has choices just like us. If she chooses to be angry or hurt it is her choice. We are not in control of them. They have to go through whatever they need to go through and I just need to listen to myself and be honest with myself about what I need to do. Just like this program ..it is giving ourselves a new thought process to replace the old one that didn't work for us.

[Gigi123]

Petty gill,
I'm sorry to hear of everything you've been through. It sounds like you need to start taking care of yourself and disconnect from your mother. I can only imagine how I would feel if I had a child and my parents refused to allow me to care for them. That's not right.

Tina,
Thanks for your post, it really made me feel better this morning. I was feeling a little guilty last night and after reading your response, realized that I have a VERY tough time feeling like it's okay to put my feelings first, it's SO unnatural and I can always make up an excuse as to why I don't have to put my feelings first or that they're not valid or important enough, even though intellectually, I know this isn't true. It's something I have to work at.

Clarysage,
You're right, we're not in control of others feelings. My boyfriend has been quick to point out (when I'm feeling guilty) that my mom's not worrying about how I feel or my feelings. We're so focused on others, that we often forget about ourselves and it seems when we start to reclaim that self respect, our families don't like it because they're not getting their way anymore. Thanks for your kind words, they really do help.

[Paisleegreen]

Wow, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! This is a good topic and everyone has given such good advice and expressed their own frustrations with their parents control. paislee