Hi guys,
I need some advice. How do you handle people when you've been assertive with them and they get angry or defensive over what you're saying? I had a conversation with someone in my family this evening about something that was bothering me. He got very defensive and angry. I was just explaining how I felt. This seems to be my experience a lot ever since I've started becoming more assertive with family. I'm always calm when I talk to them and just tell them how I feel, without sounding angry, ticked off, or anything like that. I guess I can't control how the other person is going to react but I find it upsetting when they get so angry or upset. I didn't want to come across like I was attacking this person at all and even told them that maybe the way they said something was perceived one way. I don't even know what I'm asking, I guess this situation just upset me after finally getting the courage to speak up and let them know how I felt.
Defensive people
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sparechange
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2011 5:21 pm
Re: Defensive people
If you really aren't coming across as angry or accusatory in your delivery, then just let them get upset. Don't let them shame you back into not being assertive. If you're like me, feeling like I'm unable to speak my mind has played a huge role in my anxiety over the years. I know it's hard with family, because we have a need for those relationships to be healthy and supportive. But the bottom line is that if they don't want you speaking your mind, they are forcing you to choose between two very undesirable options: 1) Speak your mind and make them angry (potentially damaging the relationship), or 2) Take the fall and tell them your opinion doesn't matter (stripping you of your dignity as a human being).
Also, keep in mind that if they are blood relatives, they likely share some of the same brain chemistry with you, even if they never would admit to having anxiety or being negative thinkers. I know defensive behavior has been a real problem for me, and I can easily see where it came from when I look at my family. Don't get me wrong, my parents have been amazing when it comes to helping me get through this condition. They just have their flaws like everyone else. And I've learned that if I really want to speak my mind on certain issues, I had better find someone who won't take it so personally.
Hope that helps. Stay strong!
Also, keep in mind that if they are blood relatives, they likely share some of the same brain chemistry with you, even if they never would admit to having anxiety or being negative thinkers. I know defensive behavior has been a real problem for me, and I can easily see where it came from when I look at my family. Don't get me wrong, my parents have been amazing when it comes to helping me get through this condition. They just have their flaws like everyone else. And I've learned that if I really want to speak my mind on certain issues, I had better find someone who won't take it so personally.
Hope that helps. Stay strong!
Re: Defensive people
This is a very good question, and one that I have reflected upon on more then one occasion, to say the least.
Some people ARE just very defensive. My psychiatrist doesn't want me trying to "get in the heads" of other people, because I tend to try to figure out other people, instead of figuring out MY behavior.
So, having said that, I believe it is best to look at how WE handle defensive people. I rarely defend myself, and this in itself has proven to be a problem. I don't defend myself, because for some odd reason, ever since I was a very, very little girl, I had a fear of not being believed. So, I stopped trying to tell, which trickled down to me not ever defending myself, incase someone would say I was making the whole thing up. For me, it is better to not defend myself, then to defend myself and be called a liar.
Anyway, now that I have rambled at 3:31am, I will try to get back on topic.
Never start a sentence with "you are....." Start a sentence with "I feel......"
This puts the burden on how you feel, rather then putting blame on someone else. It allows for the other person to hear you, and not shut down.
I find blame to be useless. I really, really do. In my spouse's family, blame is a huge part of their dynamic. I believe in acknowledging mistakes, and moving forward, and of course, apologizing, but only if you are really, truly sorry.
In my spouse's family, they "demand" apologies. To me it has secretly become almost intolerable. I'm not going to apologize unless I am sorry for my actions. I have also noticed that my spouse's family rarely apologizes, individually or collectively.
They believe in blame, and to holding onto anger.
So, again, bring your feelings back to YOU. Why do you feel defensive? That is the key question. Often times you mmay be the only one feeling defensive, and therefore you might feel guilt or shame over an action that you have no need to feel guilt or shame about.
On the other hand, if someone is playing mind games with you, and projecting their bad behavior onto you, don't argue with that person, as they just won't hear you. Keep your chin up, and know in your heart that you are right, and try to set a good example.
The validation you might need can come from within yourself. You know you are right, and they are wrong, and sometimes, often times, that is all you need to know.
Remember the golden rule. Treat others like you would want to be treated, even if or especially if they need to be taught this by your good example.
Ok, I hope I made sense.
Sweet Dreams......
Some people ARE just very defensive. My psychiatrist doesn't want me trying to "get in the heads" of other people, because I tend to try to figure out other people, instead of figuring out MY behavior.
So, having said that, I believe it is best to look at how WE handle defensive people. I rarely defend myself, and this in itself has proven to be a problem. I don't defend myself, because for some odd reason, ever since I was a very, very little girl, I had a fear of not being believed. So, I stopped trying to tell, which trickled down to me not ever defending myself, incase someone would say I was making the whole thing up. For me, it is better to not defend myself, then to defend myself and be called a liar.
Anyway, now that I have rambled at 3:31am, I will try to get back on topic.
Never start a sentence with "you are....." Start a sentence with "I feel......"
This puts the burden on how you feel, rather then putting blame on someone else. It allows for the other person to hear you, and not shut down.
I find blame to be useless. I really, really do. In my spouse's family, blame is a huge part of their dynamic. I believe in acknowledging mistakes, and moving forward, and of course, apologizing, but only if you are really, truly sorry.
In my spouse's family, they "demand" apologies. To me it has secretly become almost intolerable. I'm not going to apologize unless I am sorry for my actions. I have also noticed that my spouse's family rarely apologizes, individually or collectively.
They believe in blame, and to holding onto anger.
So, again, bring your feelings back to YOU. Why do you feel defensive? That is the key question. Often times you mmay be the only one feeling defensive, and therefore you might feel guilt or shame over an action that you have no need to feel guilt or shame about.
On the other hand, if someone is playing mind games with you, and projecting their bad behavior onto you, don't argue with that person, as they just won't hear you. Keep your chin up, and know in your heart that you are right, and try to set a good example.
The validation you might need can come from within yourself. You know you are right, and they are wrong, and sometimes, often times, that is all you need to know.
Remember the golden rule. Treat others like you would want to be treated, even if or especially if they need to be taught this by your good example.
Ok, I hope I made sense.
Sweet Dreams......
Re: Defensive people
Always start off with "I"! Don't start off with "You!" For example--"I was hurt by those comments that you made to me!" Don't say "You hurt me with those comments!" It is too personal and they will feel attacked!
Sometimes its in the way you say things, rather than what you say! "Its not what you say, its how you say it!" For example--The tone in which you use, the volume in which you speak, the pitch of your voice, and your facial gestures and expressions, along with your body language!
These 3 things are the main aspects of effective communication! Words are only 7%, voice inflection, tone, pitch, etc is 38% of effective communication, and body language is 55% of effective communication!
Your sincerity will show through your facial gestures and body language, and the tone of your voice, much more than just the words that you are trying to communicate!
"The Quality of our Lives depends on the Quality of our Communications we have with Ourselves and Others!"
"Anthony Robbins"
pauly j
Sometimes its in the way you say things, rather than what you say! "Its not what you say, its how you say it!" For example--The tone in which you use, the volume in which you speak, the pitch of your voice, and your facial gestures and expressions, along with your body language!
These 3 things are the main aspects of effective communication! Words are only 7%, voice inflection, tone, pitch, etc is 38% of effective communication, and body language is 55% of effective communication!
Your sincerity will show through your facial gestures and body language, and the tone of your voice, much more than just the words that you are trying to communicate!
"The Quality of our Lives depends on the Quality of our Communications we have with Ourselves and Others!"
"Anthony Robbins"
pauly j
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Defensive people
Hi P&P,
Their reaction to what you say is their problem, not yours. Otherwise, I sure love what everyone has said here.
Guess what? You are on your way to becoming your own person whether others like it or not.
Their reaction to what you say is their problem, not yours. Otherwise, I sure love what everyone has said here.
Guess what? You are on your way to becoming your own person whether others like it or not.
Re: Defensive people
Thanks for the very valuable help guys! I made a point to use phrases like "I feel..." I think I did a very good job of being calm and compassionate while still properly expressing how I fell. I think maybe he wasn't expecting me to bring this up and it sort of came out of no where, which is why he immediately got very defensive.
I guess the problem I've been encountering with my family and assertive speaking is that I'm starting to feel like the black sheep of the family. It's sort of all or nothing with them, if you don't help them EVERY single time they ask, that means then that you're not there for your family and not helping out. Ironically, they don't seem to have any problem saying no to me! I feel like because I'm changing, they're ALL from the same school of thought and I find that very difficult. It's like they don't understand what I'm doing and why. Even more ironic, my dad and my sister both did the program! I said no once to housesitting (the first time I EVERY said no) My dad made me feel very guilty like I was just messing everything up and then called my sister to tell her to call me and try and convince me that I should housesit
I think my sister very much wants to keep the peace and doesn't want to upset my dad, so won't express how she feels or if he's done something that upset her or her husband.
Okay, enough rambling! I guess my question to you is, how do you get over feeling like you're on the outside of the circle when everyone else around you thinks one way and you think another. I feel like a fish swimming upstream.
I guess the problem I've been encountering with my family and assertive speaking is that I'm starting to feel like the black sheep of the family. It's sort of all or nothing with them, if you don't help them EVERY single time they ask, that means then that you're not there for your family and not helping out. Ironically, they don't seem to have any problem saying no to me! I feel like because I'm changing, they're ALL from the same school of thought and I find that very difficult. It's like they don't understand what I'm doing and why. Even more ironic, my dad and my sister both did the program! I said no once to housesitting (the first time I EVERY said no) My dad made me feel very guilty like I was just messing everything up and then called my sister to tell her to call me and try and convince me that I should housesit
I think my sister very much wants to keep the peace and doesn't want to upset my dad, so won't express how she feels or if he's done something that upset her or her husband. Okay, enough rambling! I guess my question to you is, how do you get over feeling like you're on the outside of the circle when everyone else around you thinks one way and you think another. I feel like a fish swimming upstream.
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Defensive people
This gets me sort of excited because it is why Family did not make it into one of the Wonders that can change your life. I won't go on here, or I'll be banished. My reference is to a book, "7 Wonders that can change your life."
"Keeping the peace" can sometimes cost you your very sense of self, of dignity, of self respect. It's a tough road to navigate (or swim), for sure. But what is at risk is your integrity. It's Home Politics as I tend to call it. Politics are rough no matter where they take place. Not at all sure this is helpful, maybe others can do better.
"Keeping the peace" can sometimes cost you your very sense of self, of dignity, of self respect. It's a tough road to navigate (or swim), for sure. But what is at risk is your integrity. It's Home Politics as I tend to call it. Politics are rough no matter where they take place. Not at all sure this is helpful, maybe others can do better.
Re: Defensive people
Hi P and P,
".................My dad made me feel very guilty.........."
Here in lies your problem. You (as we all do from time to time) allowed your dad to have the power to make you feel guilty.
I suffer with this every day. No. Correction. I used to suffer with this every day. I honestly don't anymore. BUT, it took a year or so to retrain myself, in addition to lots and lots of therapy.
Don't give anyone the power or control over your emotions. No means no, without guilt. You will need this skill if you are a parent, so it is wise to learn this now. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO PROJECT THEIR GUILT ONTO YOU. If you said no, but your father made it seem like it was your fault for saying no, then he crossed your BOUNDARIES. (another one of my new favorite words)
Also, I must share with you that the stronger you get, and the more definitive a person you are, the clearer you are, when your determination to succeed becomes apparent to those in your family, some will get angry. You will be rocking their world, upsetting the applecart, turning things on their (there?) head, and your family members will want the old you back.
This is the hardest part. I am experiencing this now. My daughter has just realized that I am a changed person and not just a mother, but a person too. She actually likes the new me. My husband needs to understand that I am growing and changing and that is good. He feels threatened. Too bad. I don't know where he fits into MY picture, and he knows this. But, I will continue to grow and bbetter myself, and no one is going to stop me.
So, to answer your question, how do we do it?
It's not easy, and you must realize that your family will not like change in you. YOU must have determination.
You will. I can feel it.
Peace and love,
Loveslife
PS
Tina always gives spot on advise. Listen to her. She has helped me tremendously.
PPS
Have a great day everyone. I'm off to work soon. sigh.
That was a fake sigh, because everyone else sighs when they say they are going to work. I LOVE saying it, but sigh just to fit in. (clearly I have more work to do)
".................My dad made me feel very guilty.........."
Here in lies your problem. You (as we all do from time to time) allowed your dad to have the power to make you feel guilty.
I suffer with this every day. No. Correction. I used to suffer with this every day. I honestly don't anymore. BUT, it took a year or so to retrain myself, in addition to lots and lots of therapy.
Don't give anyone the power or control over your emotions. No means no, without guilt. You will need this skill if you are a parent, so it is wise to learn this now. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO PROJECT THEIR GUILT ONTO YOU. If you said no, but your father made it seem like it was your fault for saying no, then he crossed your BOUNDARIES. (another one of my new favorite words)
Also, I must share with you that the stronger you get, and the more definitive a person you are, the clearer you are, when your determination to succeed becomes apparent to those in your family, some will get angry. You will be rocking their world, upsetting the applecart, turning things on their (there?) head, and your family members will want the old you back.
This is the hardest part. I am experiencing this now. My daughter has just realized that I am a changed person and not just a mother, but a person too. She actually likes the new me. My husband needs to understand that I am growing and changing and that is good. He feels threatened. Too bad. I don't know where he fits into MY picture, and he knows this. But, I will continue to grow and bbetter myself, and no one is going to stop me.
So, to answer your question, how do we do it?
It's not easy, and you must realize that your family will not like change in you. YOU must have determination.
You will. I can feel it.
Peace and love,
Loveslife
PS
Tina always gives spot on advise. Listen to her. She has helped me tremendously.
PPS
Have a great day everyone. I'm off to work soon. sigh.
That was a fake sigh, because everyone else sighs when they say they are going to work. I LOVE saying it, but sigh just to fit in. (clearly I have more work to do)-
tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Defensive people
Loveslife spells this out much better. She has come such a long way and so much earlier in her life. It is even earlier in your life, P & P. It took me almost all my life because I am in the last chapter of mine. Nevermind. It is never too late. Don't hesitate to consult with us and we'll get you in (or out) of trouble each time (joking).
It's OK to sigh about work. It could be a sigh of being pleased with work, with the very privilege of work and your immense accomplishment.
It's OK to sigh about work. It could be a sigh of being pleased with work, with the very privilege of work and your immense accomplishment.
Re: Defensive people
Thanks so much guys, you're awesome! I can feel myself getting stronger. I guess it's only natural for the ones who love us and who are use to taking advantage of us or our time aren't going to like when we change they stop getting what they want. But I HAVE noticed a change in my parents, I think they still don't like it but they have boundaries in their lives and I feel like I can have some in mine as well.
Thanks for your encouragement, it's something I certainly need while I go through this journey.
Ps, I sigh too when having to go to work,hehe
Thanks for your encouragement, it's something I certainly need while I go through this journey.
Ps, I sigh too when having to go to work,hehe