Self esteem and socializing

[Ldybeth]

I have dealt with social anxiety in addition to generalized anxiety and panic disorder for years and I find it more comfortable to communicate through email or texting than through phone conversation because of this. When I am out running errands, etc., Often I feel that people in customer service rolls are rude and that there is a general lack of common courtesy in that area and then add in driving on the highway. No rules seem to apply anymore. Throw in one or two family members who don't respond to emails or phone calls...and yep! There goes my self worth. So far, there's been no mention in the program about how panic attacks or anxiety can make people react differently to you and I wanted to know if anybody else out there whose doing this program experiences anxiety in this form? Beth

[Ldybeth]

What I mean to say is that although it is not always obvious to other people that I am anxious, sometimes it must be - I am flushed or cannot make eye contact or am unarticulate at times. Does anyone else have difficulty with this? And can this program help with social anxiety as well? Thanks again for your time, Beth

[Germaine]

Dear ldyreth,

I'm new to program, cant say how the program will help with dealing items you mentioned but I'm hoping to learn. I too have problems with people who don't return phone calls or emails, it makes be feel like I don't matter to those people which in turn will lead me into an anxious state.
I may have not of spelled you name correctly , sorry if I did, when I hit the reply area I them lose the name of who I was writing too??
Hope to hear from you.

I also don't know to get the smilies in my replies....can you tell how you did that?

[Ldybeth]

Hi, Germaine,

Well, welcome here! No worries on the name. I'm Beth, nice to meet you here. The emoticons or "smilies" can be added by just clicking on the faces to the right on the page. It will not show the "animated" or colored version until you've posted your comments but will display the typed equivalent.

I want to encourage you as I have been very encouraged, even just since I posted what you read. I have gone into the "Board Index" to see many topics there, and have actually come across several other people that have been experiences elements of social anxiety and have really been comforted just seeing that I am not the only one or not alone. We are sensitive caring people and take things to heart. I try to keep in mind that people are busy and have priorities over returning my call or email but the feeling that comes with the lack of reply overrides the logic many times. I've been told several times that it's not me and I'm starting to believe it, which feels absolutely wonderful to be able to say, Germaine. And, I can say the case is more than likely the same for you.

I used to be very repetitive and codependent and I know that that can really put people off but I worked through that with dealing with an addiction to alcohol, which only very temporarily provided relief from the undiagnosed anxiety disorder and depression that I had been dealing with since being a teenager. I was in such a state of denial and held on to past hurts for years and would constantly bring them up... I wouldn't even want to be around that! But, I took the bull by the horns, took one step at a time and conquered that demon of alcoholism with MUCH help, of course from the Lord and those He guided me to. These past 5 years, I've gone to therapy and taken antidepressants to try to heal those wounds and "reprogram" my thoughts, because the drinking was just a bandaid on the wound, which was the anxiety and depression. It has been hard to find a quality therapist who specializes in social anxiety and with our insurance limitations in this country... you can only seem to find a great therapist if you have the money! Okay, that's my rant... I know there are some wonderful ones out there, I hear story after story, but I've not had that same luck, which is why I finally decided to give this a shot.

For the first time, I feel like I'm actually making progress... Sometimes it's in looking back over the prior couple of days and not always when in the moment, but hey, I'll take it! I'm only in Week2 of the program but have read such encouraging statements from other people on this site and am determined to make this Priority #1 in my life.

I truly believe that with conquering our anxiety with this program and with support from others, etc... a lot of the doubts and insecurities that we both have will just fall by the wayside. God bless you, Germaine and just keep doing the program! God bless you and remember, you are special and worth the time!

[Paisleegreen]

Germaine, you have really hit the nail on the head! What do you mean by repetitive? I really relate to how you work out the issues of not getting a phone call or email back. Its so true, to work on realizing that it isn't "you" or your fault that you are not getting responses back. We are just sensitive and take things harder. But this program really helps to work on that and think positive thoughts, and dismiss our natural tendencies to worry about what others think. Our sensitivity helps us to be good friends and considerate of other's feelings. paislee

[Ldybeth]

Hi Paislee, When I referred to being repetitive, I am meaning that I would sent an email or make a phone call and then if I didn't hear back soon, I might do the same again, without leaving a reasonable amount of time for the person to respond. I probably came across as needy or smothering at times and many times had a hard time picking up on cues from people that really weren't interested in a relationship of any form because I was so enveloped in thought that I must have worded something wrong and needed to further explain or wasn't specific enough, etc. etc...when it could just be that sometimes that person just isn't interested or as I mentioned above, that they are just busy and haven't had a chance to reply yet.

[swordmaster]

Man, you are speaking my language, Beth. I wish I had friends or family at some point in my life that understood these feelings as you do. I have felt like I live in a world of emotionless, heartless, people for so long that I really don't like people at all. To the point that I never want to make new friends or open up to anyone because people just don't care. I don't know where to begin.

I too feel more comfortable texting or emailing individuals due to social anxiety. I am always afraid that people are going to yell at me because that's what my parents always did. I don't know how to get over that. The anxieties I have are for good reason and due to my past experiences and my lack of self worth. I have always been overlooked, underappreciated, and completely on my own my entire life. I did not get love and compassion from my parents and had to deal with any and every traumatic experience in my life on my own. Still to this very day.

I am very sensitive to others emotions and feelings and can see things in people just by looking at their face, into their eyes, that most people overlook. It is very exhausting. My username is swordmaster because I always joke around about how I am always here wielding my sword for all of those in need. I have actually had people use me to fight their battles for them and that was a serious wakeup call. I hate to see people being mistreated and will stand up for them. I hate to see someone down and will pick them up. The problem is, whenever I need the same, no one has ever done that for me. It hurts so bad and just contributes more to me being completely worthless and insignificant to all that are supposed to care about me the most.

I am that rock that everyone thinks can make it through anything. And I can, but it doesn't mean that I don't need to be cared for to, or that I don't need encouragement or support. I am one of the strongest people I know, but I have my hard times too and I'm human just like the rest of us.

I thought in the beginning I could do this program and felt very optomistic, but now I realize the reality of how difficult it is going to be overcoming a lot of my anxieties. I am surround by incredibly negative family members and my parents and mother and father in law are all suffering from anxiety and depression and are stubborn as mules. They are never going to get help and are a constant stressor for me. My parents love conditionally and my mother in law is one of the most negative people I have ever met in my life.

I am glad to have this forum to talk with all of you and I look forward to growing and learning from you all.

[Greg H]

ldybeth, self esteem issues are huge for me. I really would like to work on this

[Ldybeth]

Hi SwordMaster and Greg,

First of all, can I just tell you how much it means to have you say that YOU can relate to ME??? I just love this forum! I totally understand your feelings of pessimism and unsurety when it comes to doing this program. There are days where I think of it as a chore, like I do so many things in life... but then I do it, and, I can easily say that 100% of the time after listening to the CD or once I've read that week's material or looked at the cards that I carry in my wallet, or, yes....even doing the homework...I am SO glad that I did and I feel encouraged that I'm making progress. I am just on week 3 and at the beginning of the week thought to myself, "Why don't I feel ready to plunge into the world yet?" "Did I not follow the program correctly?" "Is this not working for me?" and then I used a visual, like has been recommended in the program of a STOP sign screeching to a halt in front of my face and told myself "Stop that silly thinking! Look at me-I have done well, I've already found such great support with the program and with this forum. Look at how a few postings from other people who understand me have lifted weight off my shoulders that I've had for y-e-a-r-s."
You need to be able to set aside time where you are not interrupted and there are no distractions to get the most out of the program. I live in a very stressful situation as well, with a partner who has a brain injury, most of which wasn't apparent until I moved in a year and a half ago to help manage his finances and assist him with better organizing his home and helping him with raising his son. His moderate to severe issues with memory, problem-solving, planning and application of what he's learned, as well as overloading of emotions- usually anger outbursts, really started to impact my well-being. I love him with all of my heart and am glad that we found eachother (most days...lol) but it takes a lot of faith, persistence and courage to keep pressing on. There are days where I want to run or just pull my hair out! I know what it's like to be in a situation of volatility and unpredictability with him, his son and as you mentioned, with family as well. My advice regarding your family is that if you are still at home, try to find time to do this program in a quiet uninterrupted area... In the meantime, make sure that you are getting some exercise every day, whether it's walking, jogging, boxing (I love that one on my Wii!!- huge stress reliever!). The exercise is SO important- I am finally realizing that- It makes a huge difference. Even if I don't feel it immediately, which I usually do, I've noticed a big difference in my energy level and mood over just a couple weeks' time. If you are outside of the home, limit your contact with your family when possible, keep conversations with them short and don't share too many personal things with them unless you feel it is imperative. Be supportive but do so from a distance when you can- keep phone conversations short, offer to keep them in your thoughts and/or prayers but if the conversation turns to negativity, find a way to nip it- but gently. I've learned that I've had to set boundaries with my family- My Mom can be supportive in certain areas but if I mention rude or indifferent behavior from anyone, especially from within the family - there is always an excuse for that person and I end up feeling more alone, unvalidated and more frustrated than before I shared. My Dad is a recovering perfectionist (apple doesn't fall far from the tree...lol) and I grew up feeling that he was quite proud of me and we were close enough....but then some severe rebellion by my older sister pulled the rug out from under our family and it started to lose it's strength and structure. In the meantime, my little sister of many years younger, had just been born and I was left fending for myself with a lot of stress, confusion and anger within the family, bearing in mind this was a Christian family. I had my first panic attack at the age of 13 and by my sophomore year in high school, had fullblown panic attacks, generalized anxiety (and extreme fear because my grades were slipping and I didn't understand what was wrong with me- I developed an extreme fear of failure and thought I was going crazy!) which, then quickly spiraled into social anxiety (because I was scared all the time and didn't know why, I pushed my friends away) and, of course, underlying depression- ALL of which was undiagnosed and which I received no help for... so was left feeling disconnected, terrified, suicidal and worthless...and have spent most of my life that way but managed to get my GED after missing so much school my Junior and Senior years, attended business school for one year (but stopped due to panic attacks and fear of failure) have always had a job since the age of 16 (even though many short-term) have been married and divorced once, have conquered alcoholism (PTL!) and am now engaged for the second time...

We are STRONG individuals!! There were so many times that I didn't think I could go on and I acted on that feeling more than once...but I gotta tell you, my faith in the Lord and being stubborn and never stopping to look for help and trying new avenues, whether therapy or medication...has kept me hear AND finally brought me to THIS program. Not giving up all these years has shaped and molded my character, my depth and my insight, just like you were saying about being able to read people. This program, however, after everything else that I have tried, is the first experience that I've had where I feel in control of my recovery BUT... I have so much support with the CDs, the workbook and this forum that it is more help and guidance than I've ever received in my entire life of dealing with these awful disorders. I do still take medication, Cymbalta, but I have been able to slowly, very slowly wean down as I progress in this program.

I just want to encourage you and wish you all the best. I will be praying for you. Believe in yourself- YOU are wonderful and beautiful individuals with so much to give and you have so much exciting living to do!! We all do. Keep working the program and continue to use this forum along with it. It will do wonders for your recovery... God bless you ~Beth

[frankg]

hey, beth
as with me, i too, feel people can act differently to me but i think it's due to my insecurities. good luck with this program. i hope it works for both of us.
frank