Dad criticizing boyfriend

[Gigi123]

Hello,

I have a bit of a problem on my hands that I don't know how to handle or maybe I do but could still use some advice. My dad's very critical of my boyfriend. I honestly don't think it would matter who I was dating, he would find something "wrong." My dad has always had a bit of a fixation on weight and people being overweight. He works out a lot and is VERY quick to judge anyone who isn't fit. My boyfriend being a bit overweight has become the easy target. We went over for dinner the other night and made a comment about my boyfriend letting his gym membership lapse and said something to the affect of he must have let it lapse for a long time. Completely inappropriate and I just cringed as the words came flying out of his mouth. My boyfriend was obviously upset and hurt by this but didn't say anything, despite the fact that I could tell he didn't appreciate the unwanted comment. My dad's a very loving, caring man, I love him to pieces, as do I love and care for my boyfriend so I'm feeling very much wedged in the middle. I have mentioned to my dad before to lay off on certain comments (not this specifically) I guess in short he likes to give my boyfriend a hard time and sort of put him down which is not cool with me at all. I offered to talk to my dad about it and let him know how it made both of us feel. I don't want this to escalate or get worse.

[Flyer99]

Gigi, I hate to be blunt but you said your Dad was a loving, caring man. From what you described I don't think so. If he was loving and caring he would be that way to everyone without discrimination. You need to sit down with your father and talk about this and tell him how his words hurt not only you but your boyfriend. As the Bible says, in so many words, what comes out of ones mouth echoes what is in ones heart. From what you described, he seems very inconsiderate of others and their feelings. If his attitude doesn't change I can bet that he'll lose a daughter as well as several potential sons-in-law. You have to take a stand now.

[Gigi123]

Thanks for your help Flyer. No, it's not nice and I think he tries to play it off as being a joke but I think deep down, he isn't really joking. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He's really helped me put the tools I've learnt in the program into practice. And so I've become more assertive, even with my family who were always asking me to house sit and do things for them. They were VERY use to getting their way and me always saying yes and i think my dad sees this as coming from my boyfriend, even though these are changes I wanted to make for myself. How should I approach the subject?

[Flyer99]

Hi Gigi. I think your parents (your Dad especially) can't get used to the fact that you are now being more assertive. It could be that your Dad is assuming that this change in you has been caused by your boyfriend and this doesn't sit well with him. So, he makes snide, off the cuff remarks... not realizing how cutting these remarks can be. I would approach your Dad (and even your Mom, if need be) and ask him something like, "Dad (and Mom), can we have a chat?" I would then express your feelings just as you have done on this forum. Be forthright, tell him (them) that these remarks are hurtful. This will show your assertiveness. You are growing more and more and you are gaining assertiveness. This is something your parents don't expect and it is new to them. But, you must be assertive. You will need this to not only deal with family but in all walks of life. Good luck and you will do fine.

[Paisleegreen]

My father was like that as well. He would criticize my brother in law for him being over weight, even though this bro in law was successful in many other aspects of life, one being a lawyer, a good father to his children and even adopting other children, being a good husband to my sister, and I could go on.

My Dad had never had a weight issue and was athletic. Pretty much born with a metabolism that helped him to remain slim and do athletic things. Just as my bro in law was born with more refined talents that helped him to do more quiet thoughtful things, such as playing the piano, writing music, enjoying Operas and Orchestras, gifted in nice handwriting and maybe some drawing,
he probably had the gene that some people have that causes him to burn fat slowly and have more of a sweet tooth.

Then my Dad did the same thing with my husband, he criticized the way he runs our business, calling him a poor businessman, when if he was so bad at it, why do we have a productive service business that now provides jobs for four family members and other employees, and we were able to take care of my sick brother and his family, another friend and his family and now we are assisting another person who is down and out.

My father hurt my feelings deeply and if you work on being assertive with him, you will feel better as you don't want to allow his criticism to cause you to go into a deep depression as that is what happened to me trying to please my Dad for too long. My Dad was wonderful to me as I grew up but he changed as he realized he couldn't control my husband or me.

So take care of your needs, because eventually your father will get old and more grumpy unless he changes in a big way. Then when he passes on, you won't be in a bad way and wondering what happened in this relationship.

Also, I gave my father a lot of grace and allowances for his behavior. I wished I could have spoken up more and not have been so fearful of losing his praise.

[Gigi123]

I think you guys are right, he's had a very hard time with my new found assertiveness, he doesn't not like getting his way and is use to being the one in control. My dad suffers from anxiety as well so I think control is a big theme here. Ironically he's done the program too! I feel like I keep on getting tested in terms of using my assertiveness skills, it's hard but I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I would rather nip this in the bud, or else it's going to continue to happen.

Paisleegreen, I know how hard that is. Thanks for your advice. It's tough sometimes when it's family, seeing their flaws. I too have suffered for a long time from trying to constantly please my dad. My parents divorced when I was young and I've sort of felt like I had to protect my dad. So there's definitely a lot of emotions tied in there. But emotions aside, I can see what he's doing isn't right and even after I talk to him, I'll still love him just as much but at least I'll feel like I've stood up for myself and the man love.

[Paisleegreen]

I think my Dad suffered from anxiety too, but you wouldn't know it. I don't think most people know what anxiety is. The term back when I was growing up it would be called nervousness and nervous breakdown. My mother was more the "nervous" parent and her twin sister was even more so. But I think now that is was anxiety from the way they grew up and probably some genetics thrown in. As my Mom and her twin sister aren't identical.

[Wildcard]

Ok, as a father of a girl I have to (kind of) stick up for your dad! There is no way that anybody is going to be good enough for my daughter, no way! I too have found faults with her boyfriends and I always will. However, I have never made any comments to them. I do, on ocassion voice my opinion to HER but very rarely. I feel that she will make mistakes (like everyone does) and she will learn from them. Unfortunatley, being overweight is becoming part of America and people can change. I think your best move would be to have your boyfriend come with you when you talk to your dad. He may not want to but if your dad see you guys are united and no matter what he says or does will drive you apart he may realize nothing he does will stop that. Your boyfriend may just sit there and may only say yep, uhuh and shake his head in agreement with you or against your dad but he is there. Dads only want what they feel to be the best for their kids, it may be right, it may be wrong, but Daughters will always be Daddy's little girl no matter how old they are. So, be nice but be VERY assertive. Dads will always love you no matter what! Good Luck!

[Gigi123]

Thanks Wildcard I totally understand what you're saying. I know my dad cares for me very much and wants the best. I think because my dad suffers from anxiety, he deals with paranoia at times and thinks very, very negatively, he also has very high expectations. My boyfriend had come to every single family dinner, except 2 (because he was sincerely sick) That still wasn't good enough for my dad and he told me that he didn't think my boyfriend was "very into the family," and that he didn't like them. So I'm starting to feel that now matter how much we do, it'll never be good enough.

I appreciate your advice and I'm definitely not going to get angry when speaking with my dad, I'm going to try my best to use my assertiveness skills and let him know how I feel about the situation. We were trying to figure out wether my boyfriend should speak with my dad (he would be willing) or if I should handle it, because it's my father. I guess we could both speak to him.

[Paisleegreen]

My husband spoke with my Dad all the time to work things out. It became a weekly ritual of my Dad criticizing my husband. My father died at age 92 1/2 a grumpy old man. He didn't use to be that way, but as he aged he got more critical and hard to reason with. Also, forgetful, so after he took his anxiety out on us, he was a happy camper, it was like as one Anxiety book says, some people are addicted to rage and the author doesn't support people raging. It doesn't help the good neurotransmitters that make you feel good. Just remind yourself of that, because no matter what you do your boyfriend will never be good enough for your Dad, and there are healthy Dad's that love their daughters and there are dysfunctional Dad's that love their daughters.

So be aware of the differences...take care. Paislee