Just starting... need encouragement

[miss_cynthia]

Hi everyone,

Here's a little background on my story:

I am 28 years old, a single mother of a beautiful 9 year old girl, a Junior in college obtaining my Psychology degree (ironically) and I also work. To many, that seems stressful all in itself... yet not too me. I was use to living the fast paced life. (I also was running/training for a half marathon, and taking my daughter to her many after school activities, while also finding time for my boyfriend of a year and a half, and homework.) I was happy; until one day I fell apart...

One night, I woke up in a panic... ended up in the hospital thinking I had a heart attack. (I had never experienced this before.) I left, being told it was a panic attack. This was 2 months ago. From that day forward, I was a completely different person. I felt as though I had lost myself; like a switch had gone off in my brain, and I felt like I was loosing control. The anxiety I felt (and still feel at times) was so overwhelmingly taking over my life. I could no longer go to work, let alone school. My daughter and I ended up going to stay with family members so that I could get some help in regards to caring for her. (the guilt from that was enough to cause the depression to worsen.)

Anyway, to shorten a long story... I was put on Klonopin and Paxil to help calm the anxiety, and started seeing a therapist. The Klonipin helped to calm me down, however the withdrawal symptoms from wheening off of it have been excruciating!!! (I do NOT recommend it to anyone!) I am now currently only taking 3/4 of a pill, after starting on on 3 whole pills a day. The Paxil seemed to work a bit in the beginning... but after about a week... I became so fatigued and "foggy" headed, I had to get off it. My doc now switched me to prozac... so I am currently spending the week wheening off of Paxil to Prozac. (Mind you, I was NEVER one that believed in medecation! I have never taken any, and have always ised natural suppliments... however, I finally gave in when nothing else helped.) We'll see how the swith goes. (Thinking positive here...)

Anyway, I am now utilizing this program. However, I seem to be stuck. I need some encouragement from someone who has 'been there' and came out the other side. I am realizing through this program, that my anxiety started when I was a kid. And it seems so overwhelming to me to think that I have to change a thought pattern that has been my way of thinking for over 20 years! I am exhausted, and just want to find myself again. Please, anyone who actually toook the time to read my LONG story, and has any words of encouragment, respond. Thanks!

Cynthia

[Purrrrme2U]

I read what you had to say and I am just starting the 4th week myself. I am 43 and have been living with this for almost 20yrs. Wow, when you say it out loud...what a waist of life{I guess that is the "should" thinking that I will have to explore}. Anyway, it took me forever to find the right meds. I was on Prozac first and that made my heart race so much, so they switched to Paxil{which is in the same family so why did they even go there?}, which made it worse or stay the same IDK. They kept switching every other week that my body totally freaked out. Then you have the doctors who don't want to give benzo's, which at that point I was basically a reck, couldn't keep a job, lost all my friends, my family didn't understand. I haven't really worked since 1997-as a medical assistant. Being in the medical field helped to know about the meds, but not what to do. And therapy to me was a joke. I quit going a few years ago, and let me tell you, the weight off my shoulders! I hated going in there every week and talk about my past and how my step dad sucked and mom didn't help and how alone I was...always leaving in tears. This is what I know now, for me: I am on Klonopin 4mg a day, and an antidepresant- Remron 45mg 1 at night. For years, I couldn't sleep and would be up for days, and then "Crash" for 24hrs, then repeat. Remron saved my life in a way. At least now I could sleep at night and it stopped my mind from thinking{lay in bed and think about all the things you need to do, haven't done, probably won't do etc.} I also have nightmares a lot when my anxiety is at it's worse. There is a med for that now, Prazosin. I took Tramadol for pain, but it actually had a calming effect for me. Turns out, The VA is RX Tramadol and Remron for PTSD soldiers{I am also a vet}. I figured out this combo before I read someone had figured it out. But it made me feel good to know other's were taking the same. Now I get that your not big on meds. I don't like the fact either. I have a son that is not my bio, who is 17yrs and he has seen what this has done to me and our family over the years. Right now I would say I am managing the "Symptoms". If I stop any of it, it is the worse feeling in the world and I'm not talking about withdraw symptoms. Personally, I think it's great that you cut back on the benzo, but you got to ask yourself: Am I doing better without it, or am I afraid of being addicted. You owe it to yourself to function and feel half way together, and for the time being-if Klonopin helps{Lord knows I need it at this point in my life}don't cut yourself off or let doctors make your symptoms worse. The key is finding a doctor who really knows anxiety and depression. And wants what will work for you, not his idea of "Well it should be working". Speak loud. I didn't for years. I am still ashamed of this and hope the program will get me past a lot of guilt I put on myself. At least you have family support! On the down side, this being the end of week 3, I like many--feel worse than I have in a long time. I'm sure it's because we are thinking about the stuff that got us here{neg}. One person said they had been doing this since Nov. and still feel bad. You feel good at first, then I don't know what happened. If I see a light, I will post it. For now, I read stories, think to myself{Been there, done that}, maybe comment to them---Your not alone! I guess if people were happy, they wouldn't think to post like we do. So "WHEN" we get better, or feel a bit better, we should really share that too. Give people some hope. Maybe I am just not looking in the right area here. Good luck, and know that what you learn you can share with your child so they don't have to grow up with anxiety like this. Also, they are starting to teach breathing in Pre-school. To help the kids cope with stress and lower their anxiety--teach them to be calm. Wish I had that growing up. Also, be careful with the antidepressant's and ask your Pharmasist about side effect's and what they think is the best one for say ex. sleep. They do know more than doctors about the effects on the body.{I dated a pharmasist}. Take care and let me know if any of this helped...Please.

[Jill91301]

I do know how you feel. I'm a 26yr old mother of four beautiful girls. I am having the worst time trying to change the way I have always thought too. Your story touched my heart and you aren't alone. You will get through this and you're already on the right path. Never feel like you are ''not the mom you should be'' because of this. Look at what you are doing even buying these sessions. You want to be well and that alone shows how much of a good mother you are because you are also getting well for your daughter. Please keep in touch.

[zenawarriorprincess]

Cynthia,
I want you to know that I have had anxiety for 9 years, since I was 20 years old. My anxiety didn't come on quite as fast like yours. I actually had an anxiety attack where I went fuzzy and numb with racing heart, and people told me it was anxiety, so I studied up on it and learned coping skills and kept myself under control so thought it would be okay, but still thought it totally sucked the way my mind was always wrapping itself around stuff when I used to have no worries. Then things in my life got really stressful and I wasn't taking care of myself (eating, sleeping, etc), and I crashed, having a huge panic attack and ended up in hospital too thinking I was dying. The doctor looked at me, didn't even check me out, and said heres a prescription for xanax, go get it filled and get some rest, your having what's called traveling anxiety. This happened while traveling from Georgia to Montana. I made it to Wyoming before I snapped, but after that, I still had about 10 hours to go to get home. The xanax got me through the rest of my trip, and I thought once I was home everything would be okay. NOT TRUE!! I turned completely agoraphobic, scared to drive anywhere, and then eventually scared to go anywhere or do anything. It really sucked. I went to the doctor and counselor as well. It took me about a year, but I did get past it almost completely. I am doing things that I never thought I would be able to do 8 years ago. The only thing is I still have a really hard time with is the driving part of things, and with some recent stress, my anxiety has spiked again pretty bad. The one thing that really keeps me going is that I know the light at the end of the tunnel is there, and just because I have been pushed back a little, I will find my way to it again, and again if I have to (hope not). I am hoping this program will help me get out of the tunnel completely and get me driving by myself again. I have a wonderful boyfriend that lives 20 miles away from me. He has been driving to see me for 10 months, and I have not driven there by myself once. I know if I don't drive there, I am going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that is reason enough for me to want it more than anything. I, like you, am a single mom, and also very hectic busy life. People never believe me when I tell them I have these problems, everyone thinks I am so "together". Anyway, I hope my story has helped you maybe a little. Just remember all your reasons to get your life back, I know it seems impossible now, but it is not impossible.

Gena

[miss_cynthia]

Thank you so much to all that replied to my post. It helps so much just knowing that there are others that are or have experienced similar things as me, and have made it out the pther side. An update on me: I am diligently working on my way of thinking. I have always been a constant worrier, and dwelled on things that I had no control over. I am working on changing that, and trying to think about things in a more positive light. I am now off of the Klonopin almost completely. (taking now only .25mg every other day or so.) I am also almost completely off of the paxil, since I have now changed to Prozac. (20mg.) I am hoping that I continue on my path toward recovery. I have been getting regular 90 minute sweedish massages, as well as going to therapy once or twice a week. My most recent session I brought my parents with me in order for them to gain some understanding as to what I'm going through. My therapist was able to help me verbalize to them the severity of this, since I wasn't quite able to do it on my own. (My parents have no idea what anxiety is.) It helped to see them open up and learn how to be there for me in a better way. My boyfriend is coming to my next session as well, so I'm hoping for a similar experience. All in all, I feel that with this program, the meds, counseling, and this support group along with family/friend support, that I am on the road to recovery. I am determined to beat this, not just for me but for my daughter as well. And once I do, I will be stronger for it. My favorite saying has always been "Live Laugh Love" and I truley believe that this is the best and healthiest way to live. Learning to love fully and unconditionally (both yourself and others) while also knowing how to enjoy life through laughter and positivity, this is the formula for true happiness. Now I just need to find that, and grasp it... There's also one other phrase I love (which has taken on a whole new meaning since the anxiety hit) "If God brought you to it, He will bring you through it." I am hanging onto this, and hhave to trust and beleive that there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel... Thanks again for all of your responses. Any positive advice and/or success stories would be MUCH appreciated! Encouragement works wonders! Thanks!

[zenawarriorprincess]

Cynthia,
Wow, good for you! I am glad to hear you are doing so well so quick. It is great that you are getting your family and boyfriend to participate in your therapy, it will definitely help them understand more what you are going through. I remember when I first went to a counselor, my mom was actually mad at me, she didn't understand why I had to talk to some stranger and couldn't just talk to her or someone else in the family. My family is still learning about this stuff, and they had to see a couple pretty bad breakdowns before they ever even acknowledged I was even going through something, so you are lucky and smart to involve them. I also wanted to tell you that I think this will actually be an asset to your psychology degree when you get it because you will understand on a different level what people go through. Good luck with everything!
Gena