Collecting insults, rude and cruel remarks.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:51 am

I need all the help I can get with this. I am working on being more assertive and what I would like from people is some rude comments they have heard either directed towards them or someone else. What I plan to do is collect those and figure out more assertive approaches to those comments, record them on tape with my responses to look out for defensiveness and such. Your words of negativity would be much appreciated!

Mike

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:21 am

Mike,
Not sure what exactly you are looking for but what do you say to someone who calls you a b*tch and worse. Says you spend too much time on stupid stuff. Are a free-loader. Good for nothing. That's just a sampling of things I've heard lately. Hope it helps.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:22 pm

Those are all excellent comments that I am looking for. I'm sorry if those were directed towards you. Well there are 2 main techniques i'm looking at when it comes to these insults. One is disarming and the other is questioning. With the disarming you look at the insult in a gray tone instead of black or white. Ie if someone calls me stupid I can admit that there are times that I have made stupid decisions or feel like i'm stupid but of course there are alot more times when I don't. When responding I would respond with something that is agreeing as to take away the ammo from the attacker.

The next is questioning very vague labels. We all have diffrent definitions for things and so it is good to get more information.

So the comments you gave me are;
-You are a b**ch
-You spend too much time on stupid stuff
-You are a free-loader
-You're good for nothing

The first one I would ask what about me seems b**chy?

The second I would say what is about the stuff that I do that makes it stupid?

The third I might ask what is it that I do that makes me a free loader?

and The fourth I might say there are definately times when I feel like i'm good for nothing.

Of course this is just part of the response as it would lead to further talking probabbly with some more negativity at least for awhile until the person realizes they aren't pushing your buttons and gives up trying to attack you. Then you'd go with the feelings and negotiations part.

Thank you for these examples and if you have more I'd like to hear them.

Mike

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:01 am

Thanks, Mike, great insight and ways to diffuse the situation. I will definitely remember to try those. You've been a great help!

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:21 am

Your welcome. If you can collect more of these remarks that would be great!

Mike

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:52 am

wow, this is very interesting, I'm sorry that people actually call you these names, etc.

I've had my brother one time, tell me that Beggars can't be choosers, when I was complaining about my Dad one time. I never begged my Dad for anything as a grown up or as a child that I can think of and it was my Dad that offered his home to us at one time when my husband lost his job and the rent went up the house we were in.

My parents moved from out of state to be near me and my young family out of 6 other siblings he could have chosen to live near. We were to the lucky ones to have his controlling compulsions to pester us for 11 years.

I suffered depression because of the stress, but we took care of him towards the very end of his life. Just to find out he had written me out of his Will over a misunderstanding. Anyway, I'm getting carried away, but all of a sudden I'm thinking about this from your posting. I wonder if that is a good thing or bad? But thanks for letting me vent a little.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:29 am

Paisleegreen

Beggars can't be choosers, that could be one to use.

That is a really aweful situation but it really does show the importance of dealing with misunderstandings instead of not dealing with them or at least not talking through them to the point that both sides are satisified which i'm assuming wasn't done. Still that is really unfortunate that he could be that spiteful.

Mike

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 9:34 am

Yes, in his last days while receiving chemo, he asked me about the money we owed him, at that time we had paid him back years before him asking that, and I thought all things were taken care of. I thought we might have owed him something a during the time my son committed suicide, but wasn't sure. Anyway, when the money came in from a Second on our house, it came to almost the exact amount my son's funeral was.

Anyway, I told my Dad that is where the money went. He got upset and told me that I should have given him the money. Later, when I read the Will, my brother told me that He had forgiven the debt I owed my Dad, so that was the Good news. So I told my brother, "What Debt?" he just said, you know the debt you owed Dad. We didn't owe him anything. So it went like that, and I still thought I was getting something, but found several months later that the will had been dispersed and I wasn't told about it so that it wouldn't hurt my feelings.

I was still expecting some money, but noone wanted to know more about it. Anyway, I've worked it out, by letting my siblings know I was wrongfully judged and told them how much each owed me. But they already had spent the money by then and I just had to work it out in therapy, etc. and work on forgiving my siblings and father so that I feel peace. It still bothers me sometimes, but I work at this is what life is all about. There are lessons to be learned.

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:26 am

Mike, I've realized when my husband gets upset with me and we argue, he always comes out with something to the effect of "you can just pack your bags and leave."

I pointed out this weekend that he always has to throw a negative comment in when we're "talking" which would be before an arguement but not heated yet. SO I got called "smartie." Case in point. I guess I'm saying reasoning and asking questions to diffuse things hasn't gone well- maybe from my own doings. I don't know, I'm kinda at a loss.

I asked him earlier in the week why he would call me a particularly rude name for a female part of the body... he said oh, it's just a derogitory remark. He apologized.

Have you seen the Geico commercial with the guy on the couch saying "and that's why yellow makes me sad....." and the former drill sergeant tears into to him about going over to Mambi-pambi land to get him some self confidence and calls him a jackwagon? I used to at least get a smile from that until hubby said that reminds him of me....

Just trying to give you more of the remarks you are looking for. Maybe you can help in how to handle them.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:11 am

Paisleegreen;

Wow I am so sorry to hear about your son committing suicide and the situation with your father, you've gone through alot of hard times it sounds like. It must have been really painful for both situations. I can't imagine all of how both situations have affected you, you didn't deserve to have either things. You did deserve something from your father and no parent should have to bury their child. Do you blame yourself for what happened in either situation?

bevhembree;

That first statement you say he comes out with is not right. Its a manipulation type thing and that derogitory remark is not cool either but you got an appology out of it which was good.

It depends on how you pointed out about how he throws a negative comment in with your talking. It also depends on your expectations. If you responded saying "you always throw a negative comment when we're talking" then you are very likely to get more negativity or increased negativity. If you respond saying how you feel when he says a negative comment (and you'd need a particular one dealing with the situation in the present) then you are more likely to get a positive response. Still you could get a negative response and it would be more beneficial to continue with the disarming and questioning. In the book that I learned this stuff from there was one example of a wife talking to her husband where she had asked him to tell her everything about her that he didn't like (because he was upset with her and they were on the verge of divorce), he said alot of negative things while she continued to do the disarming technique and he ended up storming out and she got really upset and was crying but shortly after he had called to appologize and said he was being hard on her and had said she changed, it was intresting to read that.

I haven't seen that commercial. What part of that commercial does your hubby say reminds him of you?

Maybe we could do some roleplaying to help. That would be more beneficial then just responding with one sentence remarks. I would play the role of you where I would respond to your husband's negative remakrs and then you play the role of your husband and you would say negative things towards me. My goal would be to disarm you and figure out more of how you see the situation. Then we can switch roles. I think that'll help us both out. You interested?

Mike