minister who lost everything even his family

[cloud75]

I am 35...like many ministers who I have learned about, I am struggling with depression. I have discovered that I have struggled with some of the growing symptoms of depression for a lot longer than when I was diagnosed. When I was 8 and 9 I had to be tutored in reading out loud because I did not "know how to breath in proper patterns while trying to read out loud". After listening to this second session I believe that I was experencing an anxiety attack back then.
I began struggling with sleep, going to bed, and wanting to stay in bed all day any time I was going through a hard time. As a Pastor who set his own hours, I gave into this way too often. I would skip staff meetings because I would panic about the work load I would receive. I was paranoid and did not know how to be assertive or take personal critisim without taking it way too personal. I know now that I had developed very poor cognitive thought patterns, and have for years! I am reading Dr. David Burns classic book on cognitive theropy titled "Feeling Good" and have found this program a very good compliment and re-enforcment audibly, to what I am trying to put into practice in transforming my thinking which lead to my biochemical depression and anxiety in the 1st place.
But before I found these resources and skills, I blamed everything and everyone but myself! Churches where I served, people who attacked me, my precious beautiful wife, and even our child! Now, I have lost everything. My ministry, my wife (who has presently left me) and the ability to be with my daughter as much as I wish (due to my wife and mother in law fighting in court to use my sickness against me).
Now that I have experience great strides toward recovery and deliverance from suicidal thoughts and fixation on death; it just all came too late for me. But God has brought forgiveness and mercy for the verbal abuse and outbursts I put my wife through as I felt like I was going crazy! I hated myself and was unable to show the love that was in my heart to the ones I loved the most on thiss earth! But now my heart is broken as she has turned 180 degrees against me, when just before I hit rock bottom on May 30 2010, she was faithful, loving, supportive, long suffering, sweet to me and perfect in everyway! It all fell apart at once for me that weekend and I lashed out at the ones I loved the most with blame, hurtful words and fault finding, on top of threats to take my life! This was extremely hard on her especially after we lost her precious dad to depression and suicide in December of 09. She had taken all she could and we are now seperated and she is pretending I am dead.
I have lost everything except hope, faith in Jesus, and my ability to seek help for a blessed future! I am slowly reclaiming my life as I pray for a miracle that God will restore my sweet precious little family so I can return to the ministry without this horrible sickness sabatoging everything in my life even my family. If you read this and believe in prayer, please pray for me David and my family.
I pray now for healing for my wife. She is damaged thanks to me! I take full responsiblity now, without panic or suicidal thinking. I am learning slowly to retrain my thoughts so I can control them instead of them controling my life and views on everything. They had caused me to doubt what I myself had preached for years. Praise the Lord for tools like these that can help people like us, even when it comes seemingly too late,so we can move forward with life.
I have not lost hope but I am in grief as my one true love has turned away. But my appreciation for her and my daughter have been restored pluse some! Actually a lot! Now I am seek the subsance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen! I can make this better! I can not convence anyone especially my wife, but God can work and He is! We must trust God with our lives, our issues and our depression!

[Summer Falls]

David,

Thanks for sharing. Please know you are NOT alone, I read every single word that you typed. I identify. Truly, trust in the Lord with all your heart--do it one day at a time, that's it. Action over time willprove to those you may have hurt that you are on a path to healing. You can do this. Do not stay in your head alone. You know this. Stay connected and stay in prayer. You are already off to a great start by sharing. Dont give up.