in a really bad place and need a new perspective

[cuttingirl]

I started over with session 1 again because I forgot how to comfort myself.

I just wanted to write to get some of the thoughts out of my head and try to get a little clearer and not feel so alone. I've been in my house constantly except for going to work and getting groceries, but even that is hard and the world starts to spin once I step beyond the front door. It takes so much energy there's nothing left on the other side of it. I thought of going out of the house, to the gym where I teach, to either take a class or practice some of the choreography and cueing, but I'm scared someone will ask me about my arm. I can't believe all this stress and anxiety hasn't caused cancer or death yet. Little things become big because the cup is full.

[Guest]

I know it's awful but I feel a lot of HATE towards my mother because I feel like it's partly her fault I think this way- we never had a way to express anger, emotion, or learn coping mechanisms. Yes, I'm an adult now, but the decades of learning from her example/ observing her has set me up in these mental patterns I still haven't learned the tools to get out of and the back side of it is so bad sometimes I really do want to die. Not that I totally blame her, my sister turned out ok, it's just me that's this messed up, as far as I know, so at some level I chose this and keep choosing this, but it feels awful. It's been getting worse. Something one of the guys on the first tape said really resonates: he said "I'm either going to die or get better." It feels like that.

[Guest]

Hi CuttingGirl-

I'm sorry that things are feeling so bad for you. I know that you have a huge deductible, but you really do need to go to the doctor for your bleeding and for how bad you feel.

Being depressed is like a sink hole, and you can't see out of it.

Can you remember that you love dancing and work on it because you love it while you are biding your time?

You can make little choices each day. Decide not to cut, decide to eat something healthy, walk just 10 feet out your door and then come back. Give yourself a star and decide to do it again the next day.

I wish I had words that would make you feel better right away and could help you out somehow. I'll pray for you-- for peace, for courage to speak up and say you are hurting and for people around you to be in a position to help you.

I think you are right that we did learn coping mechanisms (or not) from our parents. And you are right that now it's time to be a grown up and re-learn them right for yourself.

God speed to you.
Terri

[Guest]

Hi newrunner,

Thank you so much for your words. I'm really grateful for your response. Being depressed is definitely like a sink hole; that's a very apt image.

I made a few little choices. I got rid of the razor blades (again). I know I might get more, but right this moment they are gone. and did some dancing to get the energy moving. Next little thing is I'm going to wait until after dark since it'll be cooler and I can put on a long sleeve shirt. I'm going to get in the car, and if that goes ok, I'll drive to the pharmacy, next step, go in, next step, buy some cream. Little by little... and I'm radically forgiving myself for things I did to try and change the I feel.

Thank you again, for your words and your prayers. And thank you to the StressCenter.com! I hope that when I'm in a healthier place I can give aid to others feeling this way.

God bless you.

[Guest]

Hi CG-

Soon you'll have to change your handle
I'm glad for you that you found some steps that you CAN take, and that they are positive.

I'll keep praying. If you'd like a friend along the journey, please feel free to contact me. I can't say that I know exactly what you are going thru, but I'm willing to be there for you.

You will be a great mentor when you are out of your hole, and are on top of the world. It'll come.