Fear and Doubt
I've been struggling a lot lately with fear and doubt. I suffer from severe acid reflux and it causes lots of scary symptoms. No matter what tests are done or how much proof I get I cannot convince myself that there isn't some heart condition. On top of that fear is also the fear that if this "heart condition" kills me then I'm not sure if I will go to heaven. So here I am "living" day to day with constant fear. I don't understand my doubt. Long ago I asked Jesus to be my savior yet I can not stop the doubt. Is the fear causing the doubt or vise versa? I just can't get a handle on it. Any input or insight is much appreciated.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
HI Enigma,
I'm sorry to hear of your acid reflux. I've only had a mild case of that when I weighed more than I should. Pepcid was what I would take due to Dr OZ's suggestion while he was the Oprah show. I don't get that now that I've slimmed down a bit. But what I have experienced is panicky feelings and impending doom due to it or being off of my anti-depressants for a couple months. The verdict is still out on all what transpired, but as a Survivor of losing my son to suicide, business failures, and deep depression, etc.. It was my prayer asking for help from the Lord that has always helped.
I think anxiety sensations can cause fear and doubt and also the Adversary. Just remember that you are here for a reason, and part of that is to experience opposition or trials in life that aren't pleasant, but since you have Faith in Jesus Christ, then He will help you in your struggles to learn and seek for help and be comforted. My son suffered during his short term on earth, but only the Lord knows his heart and I know that he is with Him and also has the ability to comfort me.
So keep praying and search the scriptures and listen for a still, small voice. You will be comforted and in the mean time do whatever is necessary to get yourself healthy so that you won't have to worry about a heart attack.
I know that I'm healthy as far as healthy habits go, and I work on exercising and watch what I eat, so that gives me some comfort. Let me know how you are doing.
I'm sorry to hear of your acid reflux. I've only had a mild case of that when I weighed more than I should. Pepcid was what I would take due to Dr OZ's suggestion while he was the Oprah show. I don't get that now that I've slimmed down a bit. But what I have experienced is panicky feelings and impending doom due to it or being off of my anti-depressants for a couple months. The verdict is still out on all what transpired, but as a Survivor of losing my son to suicide, business failures, and deep depression, etc.. It was my prayer asking for help from the Lord that has always helped.
I think anxiety sensations can cause fear and doubt and also the Adversary. Just remember that you are here for a reason, and part of that is to experience opposition or trials in life that aren't pleasant, but since you have Faith in Jesus Christ, then He will help you in your struggles to learn and seek for help and be comforted. My son suffered during his short term on earth, but only the Lord knows his heart and I know that he is with Him and also has the ability to comfort me.
So keep praying and search the scriptures and listen for a still, small voice. You will be comforted and in the mean time do whatever is necessary to get yourself healthy so that you won't have to worry about a heart attack.
I know that I'm healthy as far as healthy habits go, and I work on exercising and watch what I eat, so that gives me some comfort. Let me know how you are doing.
Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about your son. My father died at age 47 and my mother left me when I was 10. I'm 28 now and doing well for myself, yet I just can't help wondering, looking back on it all, if I have somehow been living outside myself at times as a means of protection. Some things just don't seem as real as they should. Hard to explain. My mind reels most of the time in search of an answer to explain it all. I try to lay it at God's feet but my mind just wont let everything go. I feel like this is were some of my doubt, fear, and anxiety come from. Even though I know God is there I still can't help but feel alone at times and that makes it all so much harder.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Dear Enigma, You have had such trials beginning at a young age. No wonder you are feeling some anxiety and feeling like you are outside yourself. I believe wholeheartedly that you have had to live outside yourself to keep yourself sane. I use to work at a Psych Hospital and I had to chart in patients charts after group. When I first read some of their histories, I thought I was in a dream. Their experiences were so unreal.
The death of my son seems surreal to me sometimes. I was the last to see him alive and so difficult to imagine his pain that he would jump off a cliff. But he did, we had his funeral, I felt his body, I kissed his head good-bye, but not forever. I feel him near sometimes. So you never had that with your mother and with your father gone so early in life. I can only imagine the loneliness and sorrow you are feeling.
I lost my son 7 1/2 years ago, parents after that. My parents were of a ripe old age, and my Mom had suffered from strokes, and my Dad was up taking care of my Mom until after she was buried, signs of lymphoma showed up. He survived chemo with enough time to get his affairs in order and sell his house and move back to his birthplace just to get sick again and then pass in the wee hours of Christmas Eve morning.
Part of life is asking God the question Why. It is okay to ask, He wants us to ask and inquire. He has answers and they come in many ways. But by asking...you will find answers to your questions no matter how little or big they are...you will receive. Sometimes, not the way you want or expect, and sometimes not at the time you want either.
I just want to confirm that your feelings are real, they are part of missing loved ones and hurt feelings of being a lost child. I'm glad you are doing well for yourself. You are at an age though when more of these feelings will start to rear their vexing or troubling head.
Just know that they are normal and are meant to help wake you up to some feelings you might have kept in the back recesses of your mind.
The death of my son seems surreal to me sometimes. I was the last to see him alive and so difficult to imagine his pain that he would jump off a cliff. But he did, we had his funeral, I felt his body, I kissed his head good-bye, but not forever. I feel him near sometimes. So you never had that with your mother and with your father gone so early in life. I can only imagine the loneliness and sorrow you are feeling.
I lost my son 7 1/2 years ago, parents after that. My parents were of a ripe old age, and my Mom had suffered from strokes, and my Dad was up taking care of my Mom until after she was buried, signs of lymphoma showed up. He survived chemo with enough time to get his affairs in order and sell his house and move back to his birthplace just to get sick again and then pass in the wee hours of Christmas Eve morning.
Part of life is asking God the question Why. It is okay to ask, He wants us to ask and inquire. He has answers and they come in many ways. But by asking...you will find answers to your questions no matter how little or big they are...you will receive. Sometimes, not the way you want or expect, and sometimes not at the time you want either.
I just want to confirm that your feelings are real, they are part of missing loved ones and hurt feelings of being a lost child. I'm glad you are doing well for yourself. You are at an age though when more of these feelings will start to rear their vexing or troubling head.
Just know that they are normal and are meant to help wake you up to some feelings you might have kept in the back recesses of your mind.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
I'm going through a trial now, as my youngest is getting close to the age when children move out. I dread it...he is 4 years younger than my son that took his life. I'm finding out not too long ago more about his feelings about what he went through or went without due to the loss of his brother and me a different mother than I use to be. My DH has so much sorrow as well, but he didn't have a website to go to, etc.
We all were in pain, I have 4 other children that dealt with the loss in their own way, whether they are healthy I would say No. Because of events that have come up with a lot of anger towards me, I guess trying to get my attention. Thus I was caught off guard and experienced a Panic Attack--to me a full blown panic breakthrough. Right at a time just a few weeks prior I'm taking a nice road trip out of state with anxious moments and treasured moments and then came home to a big surprise.
We all were in pain, I have 4 other children that dealt with the loss in their own way, whether they are healthy I would say No. Because of events that have come up with a lot of anger towards me, I guess trying to get my attention. Thus I was caught off guard and experienced a Panic Attack--to me a full blown panic breakthrough. Right at a time just a few weeks prior I'm taking a nice road trip out of state with anxious moments and treasured moments and then came home to a big surprise.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
According to the Psychologist I was seeing, I developed collecting or to me, just busy behaviors to deal with the pain and loss. I have a problem with people throwing away my stuff.
Being a sensitive person and practical, I save important papers or memorable items to someday put in my children's scrapbooks. I document life stories or events. I was actively scrapbooking until my son's death, and actually finished two pages two days before his death that I showed him and talked about it. I faithfully labeled all photos with pertinent information in case of my death, the family would know the story behind the photos.
I had these all filed by year, and month if needs be. I also am the keeper of my parents photos of their 63 years of married life, etc.
I have a room designated for the main purpose of scrapbooking and family history. Noone should touch this room, especially after my son's death. I know what's in it and what is important to me and the story to be told.
But a few years back after my son's death, 2 of my sons in their teen years and being pressured by a sweet SIL, they cleaned up this room by stuffing random objects into garbage bags and put them in a dumpster. I found this out after I was out of state and after I heard news that my father's Will had been dispersed several months prior and I was expecting some money.
I was very heartbroken and then to travel home knowing that my private room was invaded and things tossed out willy nilly, it was just too much to bear. I had to bury my feelings somewhat as to not hurt my DIL's and make my eldest son angry. He already was when he saw me going through the dumpster checking the bags for valuable belongings of mine that they had no business touching or going into the room period. Anyway, I have not journaled on the back of photos too much since then and I am wary of what goes in the garbage.
I try to have control of a world I really have no control over. And just when I thought things were getting a bit better, I was hit with another big blow after my road trip. I felt betrayed by the two persons I thought I could trust while I was gone. I couldn't believe it and I mourned the loss of this relationship we once had as a mother and child, husband and wife.
I mourned the loss of a piece of furniture that too me was special, but to others it was old and taking up space. I mourn the loss of order I once had in my house, to now I no longer have any reference point to where the books or objects that I love are at. My memory was wiped clean...I would say I was in shock again. This probably doesn't make sense...because I'm trying not to give too much detail.
Not that anyone I know is going to be here or does it matter. Hearts were broken and they need mending. But I feel hollow and lonely inside. My frame of reference is gone. I'm starting over...and it is so painful...there are trust issues...letting go issues...I do feel like a lost child...but I'm not a child. I don't have a mother or father to run to.
My old dear friends aren't close as before, because who can understand...unless you have lost a loved one...even then we are in different circumstances and stages in life. So it is going to take some time, and I will have to be patient, when I don't want to be patient anymore.
I do want to clarify that my family does love me, it is that we are all in pain and want changes, but are going about it the wrong way or awkward way. I'll be back...
Being a sensitive person and practical, I save important papers or memorable items to someday put in my children's scrapbooks. I document life stories or events. I was actively scrapbooking until my son's death, and actually finished two pages two days before his death that I showed him and talked about it. I faithfully labeled all photos with pertinent information in case of my death, the family would know the story behind the photos.
I had these all filed by year, and month if needs be. I also am the keeper of my parents photos of their 63 years of married life, etc.
I have a room designated for the main purpose of scrapbooking and family history. Noone should touch this room, especially after my son's death. I know what's in it and what is important to me and the story to be told.
But a few years back after my son's death, 2 of my sons in their teen years and being pressured by a sweet SIL, they cleaned up this room by stuffing random objects into garbage bags and put them in a dumpster. I found this out after I was out of state and after I heard news that my father's Will had been dispersed several months prior and I was expecting some money.
I was very heartbroken and then to travel home knowing that my private room was invaded and things tossed out willy nilly, it was just too much to bear. I had to bury my feelings somewhat as to not hurt my DIL's and make my eldest son angry. He already was when he saw me going through the dumpster checking the bags for valuable belongings of mine that they had no business touching or going into the room period. Anyway, I have not journaled on the back of photos too much since then and I am wary of what goes in the garbage.
I try to have control of a world I really have no control over. And just when I thought things were getting a bit better, I was hit with another big blow after my road trip. I felt betrayed by the two persons I thought I could trust while I was gone. I couldn't believe it and I mourned the loss of this relationship we once had as a mother and child, husband and wife.
I mourned the loss of a piece of furniture that too me was special, but to others it was old and taking up space. I mourn the loss of order I once had in my house, to now I no longer have any reference point to where the books or objects that I love are at. My memory was wiped clean...I would say I was in shock again. This probably doesn't make sense...because I'm trying not to give too much detail.
Not that anyone I know is going to be here or does it matter. Hearts were broken and they need mending. But I feel hollow and lonely inside. My frame of reference is gone. I'm starting over...and it is so painful...there are trust issues...letting go issues...I do feel like a lost child...but I'm not a child. I don't have a mother or father to run to.
My old dear friends aren't close as before, because who can understand...unless you have lost a loved one...even then we are in different circumstances and stages in life. So it is going to take some time, and I will have to be patient, when I don't want to be patient anymore.
I do want to clarify that my family does love me, it is that we are all in pain and want changes, but are going about it the wrong way or awkward way. I'll be back...
Thank you for sharing. Sounds like you are experiencing many traumas, to many I would say. I can't relate to what your going through when it comes to your children as I have none of my own. For me most of my troubles are in the past. It is tough to forge ahead and I feel that those experiences leave a deep scar on a person. People can and will let you down (and ourselves) but we still need them. I know God is reliable, but I often find myself frustrated by the fact that we can not communicate with God like we can with each other. And I'll admit that sometimes that leads me to not communicate at all. I understand the reasoning for the distance, but it sometimes creates a feeling of going it alone. I just wish that fear and doubt weren't such frequent tag a longs.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
My experiences are in the past, but are being brought back because all have suffered because of them. But we buried the pain through many ways of coping. Such as I garden a lot and didn't cook anymore after my son's death. My husband is busy with a business we own so I pretty much had a lot of time to myself and with my dog, which I had to put to sleep a year ago or so. So that was another heartbreak as he was my little buddy.
As far as God is concern, sometimes, we are left alone so that we have to feel fear and doubt so that we can develop faith and trust in the still, small voice that whispers in your heart or mind the things you need to know. Faith is like a light shining dimly in the dark. Just enough light to light your path a few steps in front of you and then you are suppose to ignore what is lurking in the shadowy darkness.
But He does send helpers along the way, people that you can trust, family members you can trust and some you can't. My family members didn't do horrible things to me, just hurtful things in the way they were trying to get my attention. That is just what happens when life throws you off balance.
We are here to learn and grow from these experiences and all will be made even in the end. You aren't alone, even though you feel that you are, I can promise you that by mine own experience. There are loved ones on the other side that are watching over you. You just can't see them, but they are there. I can't show them to you and you don't have to believe me. I just wanted to tell you that in my experience you are being cared for. Just as God knows when the sparrow falls and how many grains of sand there are. He knows who you are, and you are important. Just remember that you are very important to Him.
As far as God is concern, sometimes, we are left alone so that we have to feel fear and doubt so that we can develop faith and trust in the still, small voice that whispers in your heart or mind the things you need to know. Faith is like a light shining dimly in the dark. Just enough light to light your path a few steps in front of you and then you are suppose to ignore what is lurking in the shadowy darkness.
But He does send helpers along the way, people that you can trust, family members you can trust and some you can't. My family members didn't do horrible things to me, just hurtful things in the way they were trying to get my attention. That is just what happens when life throws you off balance.
We are here to learn and grow from these experiences and all will be made even in the end. You aren't alone, even though you feel that you are, I can promise you that by mine own experience. There are loved ones on the other side that are watching over you. You just can't see them, but they are there. I can't show them to you and you don't have to believe me. I just wanted to tell you that in my experience you are being cared for. Just as God knows when the sparrow falls and how many grains of sand there are. He knows who you are, and you are important. Just remember that you are very important to Him.
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struggling Christian
- Posts: 33
- Joined: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:59 pm
Hi Enigma,
I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with doubts about my salvation constantly. I am trying to let go and just trust in the finished work of Christ on the cross. I have accepted Jesus as my Saviour and I can't do anything else. That is all God requires of me. I struggle with all sorts of doubts and feel abandoned by God, but I have to learn to rely on God's Word and not my feelings. It is the hardest battle of my life. Just know that you are not alone in this.
I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with doubts about my salvation constantly. I am trying to let go and just trust in the finished work of Christ on the cross. I have accepted Jesus as my Saviour and I can't do anything else. That is all God requires of me. I struggle with all sorts of doubts and feel abandoned by God, but I have to learn to rely on God's Word and not my feelings. It is the hardest battle of my life. Just know that you are not alone in this.