I feel like giving up and breaking down.
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brandonmississippi
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:39 pm
I have come to learn that the human mind can be the greatest enemy, even against ourselves. My life hasn't been too bad lately, but I have OCD, I believe, and I have been on that forum for a while. My brain just never quits, over thinking every single thought that comes into it. My anger is really worrying me. The violent thoughts make me nauseas. Especially when the people are close to me. I feel like i'm evil, but then again, sometimes I just feel like evil is natural, just like we are a bunch gorillas. It's crazy. Simple things like happiness and peace, and especially right and wrong are troubling the stew out of me. Today I was on top of a ladder, and I felt like jumping off of it head first into the concrete. I have no religion, and don't really care for one, but I am looking for something to use as my higher power, as I am a recovering addict working the Na program, and that's part of it. I even have trouble understanding the relevance of a higher power to a drug addict. Sometimes I contemplate wether I'm a drug addict or not. I contemplate wether I love my parents or my dogs. I contemplate everything. It's driving me INSANE!! This all may be hard for you guys to understand, but I just need some help. I feel like I could just have a mental breakdown, or I could just snap and lose control. Something that could be significant is the fact that I haven't been able to cry in the past 2 yrs. I've tried, but the tears just don't come. I used to cry all the time, feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, I just want some relief.
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Guest
hang in there, buddy. first of all, you DEFINITELY need to cry. or at least let out some kind of emotion. try watching the most emotional movie for you or whatever you can to trigger the emotion to come out. holding in any emotions can cause you extreme anxiety and depression. also, do you exercise? I know these ideas seem lame and too simple, but they HELP get you on track.
I empathize totally with your so-called crazy thoughts, but then they don't really seem crazy at all. I've had the thoughts about the dogs, etc, too. I know you can do it. I am religious and do very much believe in God, but you have to remember to make it real for you - don't start relying on some higher power that someone else thinks you should. Make it REAL for you - and relevant. But, trust me - something greater than you IS out there - you just need to talk to it and get in touch with it/him. good luck to you...
I empathize totally with your so-called crazy thoughts, but then they don't really seem crazy at all. I've had the thoughts about the dogs, etc, too. I know you can do it. I am religious and do very much believe in God, but you have to remember to make it real for you - don't start relying on some higher power that someone else thinks you should. Make it REAL for you - and relevant. But, trust me - something greater than you IS out there - you just need to talk to it and get in touch with it/him. good luck to you...
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Guest
Thanks for the response. I didn't think anyone was going to respond. I can't cry. I've tried. I feel like i'm emotionally empty, if that makes any sense. Every now and then a song will bring a tear to my eye, but then I jsut snap out of it. Maybe it's because of the medication I am on, that is keeping me balanced. I've had several good days in a row. But you never know what you'll feel like the next day.
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Guest
yes, for sure your meds can be making you so balanced that you can't express emotion. that def happened to me when I was on zoloft. I'm sure it's more beneficial to you to be on the meds right now. Best thing I can tell you is to embrace it. Just go with the flow, ride the wave. I know it sounds ridiculous, but basically don't try to fight it. Anxiety and Depression are what you have and the feelings and thoughts that you have are simply symptoms of those disorders. EVERYONE has something, remember. Eat well and live a good, clean lifestyle - this can go a long way.
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Guest
Hi Brandon,
You are not losing your mind, you are not evil, and you are not going crazy. Everything you describe I can relate to, could have written your post word for word. It's all part of the anxiety/ depression cycles, automatic thinking patterns, and cognitive distortions.
I'm not able to cry either. I wish I could- I can feel the walls, and sense at the pain and uncompleted trauama reactions behind them, and I CRAVE the release a good crying jag would bring. Not being able to cry can come from years of living in crisis/ emergency/ coping/ survival mode, until you're in a safe enough place in life where you can complete the cycle. Do you have traumas, big or little "t" in the story of you? Did you have to be a grown up when you were still a child? Those things are part of why I can't express emotions in a healthy way. Just a thought... maybe you're similar.
Crying feels so great, if I can do it. If I find myself getting emotional over something, even something ridiculous, I let 'er rip and let the tears flow, even if I'm around other people. But most of the time I'm an emotional blank, empty too. The last time I cried was when a vampire character in True Blood committed suicide by going out into the sun. Ridiculous I know but it felt good to FEEL the tears. Crank up the songs that tear you up a bit.
Do you have physical symptoms too? Persistent muscle tension? Stomach aches? Deep pain and suppressed emotion can be remembered in our tissues. I've felt relief of it all with the relaxation CD that comes with the program, also through practicing yoga, meditation, and a type of stillness where I just sit or lay down, get as still as possible and just go blank, letting my eyes unfocus, looking at the spaces between things, and allowing the thoughts to fly in like they always do but not grabbing onto them. It's hard to do this, but when you get one or two moments of it, you taste deep peace. There is so much peace and rest and, ultimately, joy for you. You just don't have the tools and guidance to access it... don't give up. Be gentle with yourself.
All the thinking you are talking about- the incessant mind chatter, spontaneous thoughts- can be SO consuming and distracting... I understand. It can feel like your mind is trying to kill you. I understand. I'm in the midst of a bad spell with anxiety and depression. The spontaneous scary thoughts of hurting yourself or others are terrifying. they are also not real. "Thoughts, only thoughts" one of the men on the tapes says, session 3 or 10 I think.
I'm also not a religious person, but I've adopted and incorporated yoga, meditation, and am studying the course in miracles, similar to the gnostic gospels, based in Christian theology but more abstract, more eastern than western. It has given me relief to some degree, in the sense that these types of pursuits and practices give me a feeling that there's a layer of consciousness ABOVE the incessant mind chatter and spontaneous thoughts- that I can be a non-judging observer of them and that ultmately they are meaningless...
Sorry this is long and rambling! Long day here. Don't give up, Brandon, there is rest and peace and help for you. Update us.
You are not losing your mind, you are not evil, and you are not going crazy. Everything you describe I can relate to, could have written your post word for word. It's all part of the anxiety/ depression cycles, automatic thinking patterns, and cognitive distortions.
I'm not able to cry either. I wish I could- I can feel the walls, and sense at the pain and uncompleted trauama reactions behind them, and I CRAVE the release a good crying jag would bring. Not being able to cry can come from years of living in crisis/ emergency/ coping/ survival mode, until you're in a safe enough place in life where you can complete the cycle. Do you have traumas, big or little "t" in the story of you? Did you have to be a grown up when you were still a child? Those things are part of why I can't express emotions in a healthy way. Just a thought... maybe you're similar.
Crying feels so great, if I can do it. If I find myself getting emotional over something, even something ridiculous, I let 'er rip and let the tears flow, even if I'm around other people. But most of the time I'm an emotional blank, empty too. The last time I cried was when a vampire character in True Blood committed suicide by going out into the sun. Ridiculous I know but it felt good to FEEL the tears. Crank up the songs that tear you up a bit.
Do you have physical symptoms too? Persistent muscle tension? Stomach aches? Deep pain and suppressed emotion can be remembered in our tissues. I've felt relief of it all with the relaxation CD that comes with the program, also through practicing yoga, meditation, and a type of stillness where I just sit or lay down, get as still as possible and just go blank, letting my eyes unfocus, looking at the spaces between things, and allowing the thoughts to fly in like they always do but not grabbing onto them. It's hard to do this, but when you get one or two moments of it, you taste deep peace. There is so much peace and rest and, ultimately, joy for you. You just don't have the tools and guidance to access it... don't give up. Be gentle with yourself.
All the thinking you are talking about- the incessant mind chatter, spontaneous thoughts- can be SO consuming and distracting... I understand. It can feel like your mind is trying to kill you. I understand. I'm in the midst of a bad spell with anxiety and depression. The spontaneous scary thoughts of hurting yourself or others are terrifying. they are also not real. "Thoughts, only thoughts" one of the men on the tapes says, session 3 or 10 I think.
I'm also not a religious person, but I've adopted and incorporated yoga, meditation, and am studying the course in miracles, similar to the gnostic gospels, based in Christian theology but more abstract, more eastern than western. It has given me relief to some degree, in the sense that these types of pursuits and practices give me a feeling that there's a layer of consciousness ABOVE the incessant mind chatter and spontaneous thoughts- that I can be a non-judging observer of them and that ultmately they are meaningless...
Sorry this is long and rambling! Long day here. Don't give up, Brandon, there is rest and peace and help for you. Update us.
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Guest
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Guest
Hi Brandonmississippie,
I am new to the program but i really understand what you are going through. Here's a thought about anger that I already knew but i still am working through it. sometimes i will get so angry at the most odd of times usually when i am with my husband. I think because of some things that happened in the past i am really angry at him and have not resolved those feelings. thats why i get soooooooooo angry over nothing. I love him so its hard to be angry with someone who at the same time you love. Please don;t just off the ladder it WILL get better.
I am new to the program but i really understand what you are going through. Here's a thought about anger that I already knew but i still am working through it. sometimes i will get so angry at the most odd of times usually when i am with my husband. I think because of some things that happened in the past i am really angry at him and have not resolved those feelings. thats why i get soooooooooo angry over nothing. I love him so its hard to be angry with someone who at the same time you love. Please don;t just off the ladder it WILL get better.
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Guest
Thank you all for the replies. I feel much better today. We had summer art camp this past week, where I work. It really helped to keep my mind from going astray. Sometimes life can just get so boring and full of the same routines that it makes me sick. I work a lone all day long, and then go home. I do go to yoga on mondays, and aa meetings on tuesday and saturdays. Then I go to drug court every 3 thursday of the month. I'm glad I have all this to keep me going, but I still feel like a big chunk of life is absent. I don't have many young people I hang out with. I'm very shy, and even when i'm not shy around people, I just have a hard time enjoying them. Like I just can't "let my hair down," and laugh. It's hard to explain, but some of you may understand. Thanks again.