Hi everybody!
I have had anxiety for about 1,5 years. I am now 21 years old. The intensity of my anxiety is different from period to period. But it is always there. The symptom that started off my anxiety is feelings of unreality, derealization. I just felt everything felt unreal and I started to think and dwell over existential things. Who created the worls? Why do we look like this? etc etc.. At this time I took some psychology lessons in school and we had to visit a place where people with psychosis live. After that I got so scared that I will get psychosis and I thought about it night and day. I googled the symptoms and I read about the symptom "not feeling like yourself" and BAM! I diagnosed myself with psychosis/schizophrenia. I cried day in and day out. I was scared of being alone, scared of sleeping. All I wanted was for people to be with me and "control" me in case I started to hallucinate. But that never happened.
I went through online-based CBT-treatment, 20 meetings with a psychologist, tried meds (hated them, donnt ever want them again), Lucindas book etc etc. I would be a liar if I said it is not better at all. It is. Now I have no problems with taking the train or bus to school and I do not cry all the time. I have not had a full-blown panic attack since February. But I still feel miserable. Because of the depersonalization.
I honestly feel like I do not even exist anymore. I am amazed that I even can type this letter. I hate seeing myself in the mirror because it is frightening. I know it is me, but it doesent feel like it. I am so afraid of being alone. My mum or sister have to sit up until I fall asleep because I am scared of being the only one awake. I am so scared of myself. I feel like I am never going to get rid of this feeling. I know that I should just "float" through it and "ignore" it but it is impossible! I have this feeling constantly. I feel like my brain and my body are seperate. My voice feels strange, my movements seem strange.. everything is strange! I am scared that I will have this forever. Sometimes I get theese really anxious thoughts that I am "stuck" in myself and in this feeling or that I am somebody else and that this body is somebody elses. It feels so weird and sick that I just want to scream out loud.
I have tried it all. I hate this so much. All I want is just to be able to sit in my own room and be "relaxed". I want to sleep normally and not wake up 15 times a night and run to my mother because I am scard of myself.
Can anybody relate to my feelings? Please, can somebody write to me. I need to talk to somebody who knows and understands. Somebody that really gets me.
Thank you for your time,
Bella
(I live in Sweden so I apologize if I am mispelling a lot or having problems with grammar)
Depersonalization - please help me!
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Guest
Bella my dear, i feel your pain. i too felt the same way for some period of time. i honestly thought that i had lost my mind and someone had put a really bad spell on me... i could not believe that i had lost interest in every aspect of my life. i could not think straight, i could not work, i had to constantly be near friends to reassure me that i am still me because i surely didnt feel like i wasy. BUT then one day, i just snapped out of it. there really is hope.. i promise. just be patient and gentle with yourself. i know that often times, words are SO much easier said than done but try to find peace within yourself and hold on to it with everything you've got. please share your feelings (ANY AND ALL) that you may be experiencing with your family and friends. people love you and want to help you.
question for you... you said that you tried everything.. can you please elaborate on that.. what have you tried??
write back, im here to help you.. i've been there.
question for you... you said that you tried everything.. can you please elaborate on that.. what have you tried??
write back, im here to help you.. i've been there.
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Guest
Hi Peace1,
thank you for your answer! It feel really good to hear that somebody went through the same thing as me. Do not get me wrong, I hate that you had to go through it, but it feels nice that I am not the only one who has felt theese messed up feelings.
When I say that I tried it all I mean I have tried both meds, CBT and talking to a professional. I have also read tons of "self-help" books, including Lucindas. Of course theese things have helped, I have not had a panic attack since February. But it is this stupid depersonalization that just messes with my head 24/7.
Please write back,
Bella
thank you for your answer! It feel really good to hear that somebody went through the same thing as me. Do not get me wrong, I hate that you had to go through it, but it feels nice that I am not the only one who has felt theese messed up feelings.
When I say that I tried it all I mean I have tried both meds, CBT and talking to a professional. I have also read tons of "self-help" books, including Lucindas. Of course theese things have helped, I have not had a panic attack since February. But it is this stupid depersonalization that just messes with my head 24/7.
Please write back,
Bella
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Guest
I was just reading your experiences and can relate to a few of them, especially the feelings of unreality, which is scary. The good thing to remember is that you can get through this situation and will come out on the other side a stronger person. I recall in the beginning when I had no idea as to what was occurring I would look at the clouds in the sky and think, they look so strange, and why didn't I ever notice the sky before. I also was unable to sleep through the night and would awake several times with my heart and mind racing and it would scare the life out of me. Its a horrible life to live when you're on edge, and the irony is that its caused by our own thoughts. What really helps me even today is that I journal all my thoughts, both negative and positive and it really helps tremendously. I can really say that using StressCenter program allowed an amazing change to occur within me, and while I at times I may feel a bit of anxiety, my new way of thinking and journaling has helped me to begin living a fulfilling life.
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Guest
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Guest
Dear Bella,
My heart aches for you as it does for myself. I have been experiencing the same feelings for only a month but it feels like a lifetime. I cant eat,sleep,enjoy what i use to and feel anxiouse all the time.I think I undetstand what you mean about "depersonalization" I too no longer feel like myself or recognize my life and I feel robbed. Im afraid every minute that I will never be the same again. I have two children who I adore and love parenting. But I dont feel like im much of a mom lately. I literally have cried every day for a month for several reasons. I think im mourning the loss of myself, im always afraid, my life is unrecognizable, and i have zero faith in so called professionals. they all have different oppinions on taking meds or not taking meds. I am terrified that i will become addicted to them that i stay away from them even if they help me cope. I can so feel your pain and dismay. Some days i literally feel like im hanging by a thread and dont know if i can take another minute. But I do have faith in God that he will get me through this and i will be stronger for it. Just keep leaning on your family and friends. Mine have been a lifeline. Best wishes and I will say a prayer for you.
My heart aches for you as it does for myself. I have been experiencing the same feelings for only a month but it feels like a lifetime. I cant eat,sleep,enjoy what i use to and feel anxiouse all the time.I think I undetstand what you mean about "depersonalization" I too no longer feel like myself or recognize my life and I feel robbed. Im afraid every minute that I will never be the same again. I have two children who I adore and love parenting. But I dont feel like im much of a mom lately. I literally have cried every day for a month for several reasons. I think im mourning the loss of myself, im always afraid, my life is unrecognizable, and i have zero faith in so called professionals. they all have different oppinions on taking meds or not taking meds. I am terrified that i will become addicted to them that i stay away from them even if they help me cope. I can so feel your pain and dismay. Some days i literally feel like im hanging by a thread and dont know if i can take another minute. But I do have faith in God that he will get me through this and i will be stronger for it. Just keep leaning on your family and friends. Mine have been a lifeline. Best wishes and I will say a prayer for you.