Please help!
Hello ive been going through this for 15 years. I feel so not like myself. I am scared all the time, i feel unreal, I look at my kids and don't seem to have the energy to do anything with them. I love them so much and it hurts so bad to not be able to play with them and mold them to be good people. I sit and stare at the tv and cannot stop thinking how horrible this is and there is no end to it. I need to get a hold of my life or i think i will go crazy. I don't know why this happened to me and i try so hard to just be happy but nothing helps me I need to be strong and all i am is a scared shell of my old self. I cant talk, when I do I feel like im listening to myself on tape, or watching myself, I am so detached from everything all I do is worry non stop I need help.
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Guest
Hi Darkcloud,
I see that you registered a little over a year ago. Have you finished the program and are now experiencing a relapse?
Regardless, just try to focus on the positive. Stop your negative thoughts in their tracks anytime they try to show their face. If it worked for you b4 it can work again. Don't worry about your kids right now. I'm sure they are fine and will be in the future. But the future isn't your concern right now. The present is and right now you need to focus on yourself. If anything, think of the strength you can show them by pulling yourself out of the depression.
You may not feel positive right now but just keep putting positivity in your head until it sinks in. And u know, it WILL sink in. It just takes time. Make a list of all the positive things in your life and read them everytime negative thoughts creep in. I believe in you because I believe in myself. I too suffer w/ depression and if I can get past it when it strikes me, I know you can, too.
Don't give up! Ask yourself what it is you're scared of and if it's rational and realistic. This is when you most need the skills we've learned. I'm still learning mine but judging from your registration time, I'm assuming you have all 15 weeks of yours. You can do this!
Keep in touch with me. I'd like to try to be there for you and I'm sure you have many others that do too. Be good to yourself.
BH
I see that you registered a little over a year ago. Have you finished the program and are now experiencing a relapse?
Regardless, just try to focus on the positive. Stop your negative thoughts in their tracks anytime they try to show their face. If it worked for you b4 it can work again. Don't worry about your kids right now. I'm sure they are fine and will be in the future. But the future isn't your concern right now. The present is and right now you need to focus on yourself. If anything, think of the strength you can show them by pulling yourself out of the depression.
You may not feel positive right now but just keep putting positivity in your head until it sinks in. And u know, it WILL sink in. It just takes time. Make a list of all the positive things in your life and read them everytime negative thoughts creep in. I believe in you because I believe in myself. I too suffer w/ depression and if I can get past it when it strikes me, I know you can, too.
Don't give up! Ask yourself what it is you're scared of and if it's rational and realistic. This is when you most need the skills we've learned. I'm still learning mine but judging from your registration time, I'm assuming you have all 15 weeks of yours. You can do this!
Keep in touch with me. I'd like to try to be there for you and I'm sure you have many others that do too. Be good to yourself.
BH
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Guest
Hello Darkcloud,
I am a 14+ year sufferer myself of both anxiety and clinical depression. While I have regained a lot of ground since my first episode (panic attack that sent me to the ER from my home), I still have a long ways to go to feel quote, NORMAL again! I would be interested to here how it started, what measures you've taken to get it under control, therapy, medications, self-help courses etc.? While there is considerable help today verses 14-15 years ago, each day remains a personal battle with depression and anxiety.
The sort of out of body feelings you experience is exactly the way I felt going back out into public places, like restuarnts, malls, etc. It sounded like I was sitting in an echo chamber, but evrything around me was the same as it was every other time I went out in public. It truly is amazing what a powerful effect your brain has over your body, and the physical symptoms it comes up with to keep it safe. If you're anything like myself, your symptoms go in cycles, but in the big picture you just don't feel like yourself anymore.
A tough row to hoe, but it's worth the effort to keep trying, pushing forward and looking for the one thing that finaly turns your life back around. I don't think you will ever go crazy, but I can relate to the loss of interest and the frustration of how you feel most days. It becomes a quality of life issue that can end in poor decisions to make it all go away, so hang in there and if nothing else, take a good hard look at your children and family and know that they will always want you in their lives. Maybe, just maybe that will be the singular positive thought that begins the healing process for you...
I am a 14+ year sufferer myself of both anxiety and clinical depression. While I have regained a lot of ground since my first episode (panic attack that sent me to the ER from my home), I still have a long ways to go to feel quote, NORMAL again! I would be interested to here how it started, what measures you've taken to get it under control, therapy, medications, self-help courses etc.? While there is considerable help today verses 14-15 years ago, each day remains a personal battle with depression and anxiety.
The sort of out of body feelings you experience is exactly the way I felt going back out into public places, like restuarnts, malls, etc. It sounded like I was sitting in an echo chamber, but evrything around me was the same as it was every other time I went out in public. It truly is amazing what a powerful effect your brain has over your body, and the physical symptoms it comes up with to keep it safe. If you're anything like myself, your symptoms go in cycles, but in the big picture you just don't feel like yourself anymore.
A tough row to hoe, but it's worth the effort to keep trying, pushing forward and looking for the one thing that finaly turns your life back around. I don't think you will ever go crazy, but I can relate to the loss of interest and the frustration of how you feel most days. It becomes a quality of life issue that can end in poor decisions to make it all go away, so hang in there and if nothing else, take a good hard look at your children and family and know that they will always want you in their lives. Maybe, just maybe that will be the singular positive thought that begins the healing process for you...
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Guest
Darkcloud...I have also suffered from depression for 15 years. The best advice I can give is to NOT isolate yourself from your family, friends and the rest of the world. Just keep reaching out, the people around you truly care as do the people at StressCenter.com and this peer support group!
Just take one minute at a time, when that gets easier, take one hour at a time, when that gets easier, then take one day at a time. That is all any of us can do. Worrying about tomorrow will not reveal tomorrow to you or make it perfect.
I will pray for you as I do for all people who suffer from depression. I hope you have consulted a doctor for therapy as well as medication.
We are here for you! God Bless - Tammy
Just take one minute at a time, when that gets easier, take one hour at a time, when that gets easier, then take one day at a time. That is all any of us can do. Worrying about tomorrow will not reveal tomorrow to you or make it perfect.
I will pray for you as I do for all people who suffer from depression. I hope you have consulted a doctor for therapy as well as medication.
We are here for you! God Bless - Tammy
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Guest
I have tried the program got to step 5 and quit. I tried all the positive self talk the relaxation and nothing works, i just feel that i will never see the light of a good life again, all i ever do is think how this is going on and has been for so many years and it will never get better. I don't know what to do I am on pristiq serequel and paxil and nothing seems to help. I need to find a way to get over this I can't stand to feel this way much longer
Eric
Eric
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Guest
Eric,
What made you stop? Nevermind, you said you felt it wasn't working.
I don't know anything about your life so it's hard to give advice. It's apparent that you really are deep in the midst of things right now tho. I've been a sufferer of anxiety and depression 4 about 22yrs or more. So I know how hard it is. I've spent most of it self-medicating so I only tried prescribed meds on 3 different occasions. The first time, I tried Celexa for about 2 months and when I finally made friends in my new home state after 6 months of my only friend being a newborn, I quit Celexa to smoke weed w/ my new found friends. And the only reason I made friends was b/c someone reached out to me. I was actually excited about it b/c I'd smoked weed almost everyday for 6 years until I found out I was pregnant. So it was the only thing that was familiar to me and I was afraid to do both Celexa and weed. So I chose what I knew. I was only 22 then.
And 10 yrs later I'm still trying to fix this w/ new fears than the one's I had 10 yrs ago or 10 yrs b4 that but I'm still trying. I've never given up. I've researched and studied and have had times when I thought forget it; I'll be an old bitter lonely sad lady that will look back on my life in anger at all of the opportunities I'd missed out on simply b/c of being afraid of other human beings and what they thought of me or might do to me. Afraid to be embarrassed or rejected. Afraid of my true self. The one that is really sweet but sometimes kinda mean. Well so what, I'm aloud to be mean sometimes. Especially when someone is mean to me.
I'm tired of holding in anger towards ppl that don't even care about me and then projecting it onto the ppl that I know will never leave me no matter what. My mom, daughter, brother. They don't deserve it. Trying so hard to please ppl that don't even matter.
Afraid to express my greatness b/c someone else may not like it. F them, right? That's what I should have been saying all along. But now I can. Better late than never.
I'm learning to let go of my past, truly forgive those that ever hurt me. Around 12 I cried everyday b/c I knew I was different. Not silent tears, but heart-aching gut-wrenching, screaming moaning tears. And my mom didn't understand so she'd get angry b/c all I could say was 'I don't know!' I didn't know what was wrong, I just knew something was. She didn't believe in brain medicine or psychiatrist so that wasn't an option and she'd just yell that I wanted ppl to feel sorry for me and that nothing is wrong w/ me.
Anyway, letting go has healed me alot. Letting of molestation, the pain of having a mother who didn't know any better and a father who wasn't there, the hurtful things ppl ever said that I always silently took to heart, all the years of low self-esteem, never standing up for myself. I could go on. But I've refused to give up even tho many times I've felt like that would maybe just be easier.
I've wanted to die, and I've envisioned suicide but never truly felt it was something I wanted to do. I've silently asked for death at the hand of another and I've thought, maybe if I just let myself go crazy I could be locked away in an asylum and never have to deal anymore w/ the struggles of regular life (my alternative to death.) But none of that is what I want. I want to live. I want to be as happy and content as I can create for myself. I want the joy I see in others and I've realized that no will or can give it to me. I have to give it to myself. I have to care about me b4 I can care about anyone else. It's the only way I'll truly have something to offer in this world. I don't want to be a bitter old lady.
And another thing that has helped is sharing my life's stories w/ others and finding out that I'm not as alone as I thought. Just getting it out feels good. And ppl respond. They share their pain in return. Ppl that appeared to have no problems in the world. Ppl I thought were perfect, that I compared myself to and allowed to make me feel like less of a person. My stories helped others and theirs helped me.
I don't know yours but there is w/o a doubt joy out there for you. You can feel like yourself again or like a new self if that's better. Deep down you know what you want out of this life but for some reason you don't feel you can have it.
We can't have it all but we can have some. Appreciation for what we have now is a beautiful thing b/c it can be worse. I worry about anxiety and depression but I have a wonderful child that loves me to no end, a loving and supportive boyfriend, a great job, a good car to get around in and a roof over my head. Clothes to put on my back and food to eat and an awesome mother that surprised me w/ this program after watching me suffer so long. If I'm having such a hard time w/ all this, I could only imagine being homeless or starving, or having a man beat me daily or tragically poor health, disfigurement. Locked in jail for life for something I didn't do. Who knows what. And the saddest part is some of those who experience the worst suffering are still able to find a little joy.
Please! Pick your head up, enjoy your children and whoever else is in your life. You control you. For a long time I said it felt like my mind controlled me instead of me controlling it. But that's only if you let it. Tell it to shut up, that YOU are in control. I wish I could just zap you w/ a magic wand and make you better b/c I know how it hurts to feel so down. But just remember that you've been happy b4 so it isn't impossible to be happy again. Send me a private message if want.
BH
What made you stop? Nevermind, you said you felt it wasn't working.
I don't know anything about your life so it's hard to give advice. It's apparent that you really are deep in the midst of things right now tho. I've been a sufferer of anxiety and depression 4 about 22yrs or more. So I know how hard it is. I've spent most of it self-medicating so I only tried prescribed meds on 3 different occasions. The first time, I tried Celexa for about 2 months and when I finally made friends in my new home state after 6 months of my only friend being a newborn, I quit Celexa to smoke weed w/ my new found friends. And the only reason I made friends was b/c someone reached out to me. I was actually excited about it b/c I'd smoked weed almost everyday for 6 years until I found out I was pregnant. So it was the only thing that was familiar to me and I was afraid to do both Celexa and weed. So I chose what I knew. I was only 22 then.
And 10 yrs later I'm still trying to fix this w/ new fears than the one's I had 10 yrs ago or 10 yrs b4 that but I'm still trying. I've never given up. I've researched and studied and have had times when I thought forget it; I'll be an old bitter lonely sad lady that will look back on my life in anger at all of the opportunities I'd missed out on simply b/c of being afraid of other human beings and what they thought of me or might do to me. Afraid to be embarrassed or rejected. Afraid of my true self. The one that is really sweet but sometimes kinda mean. Well so what, I'm aloud to be mean sometimes. Especially when someone is mean to me.
I'm tired of holding in anger towards ppl that don't even care about me and then projecting it onto the ppl that I know will never leave me no matter what. My mom, daughter, brother. They don't deserve it. Trying so hard to please ppl that don't even matter.
Afraid to express my greatness b/c someone else may not like it. F them, right? That's what I should have been saying all along. But now I can. Better late than never.
I'm learning to let go of my past, truly forgive those that ever hurt me. Around 12 I cried everyday b/c I knew I was different. Not silent tears, but heart-aching gut-wrenching, screaming moaning tears. And my mom didn't understand so she'd get angry b/c all I could say was 'I don't know!' I didn't know what was wrong, I just knew something was. She didn't believe in brain medicine or psychiatrist so that wasn't an option and she'd just yell that I wanted ppl to feel sorry for me and that nothing is wrong w/ me.
Anyway, letting go has healed me alot. Letting of molestation, the pain of having a mother who didn't know any better and a father who wasn't there, the hurtful things ppl ever said that I always silently took to heart, all the years of low self-esteem, never standing up for myself. I could go on. But I've refused to give up even tho many times I've felt like that would maybe just be easier.
I've wanted to die, and I've envisioned suicide but never truly felt it was something I wanted to do. I've silently asked for death at the hand of another and I've thought, maybe if I just let myself go crazy I could be locked away in an asylum and never have to deal anymore w/ the struggles of regular life (my alternative to death.) But none of that is what I want. I want to live. I want to be as happy and content as I can create for myself. I want the joy I see in others and I've realized that no will or can give it to me. I have to give it to myself. I have to care about me b4 I can care about anyone else. It's the only way I'll truly have something to offer in this world. I don't want to be a bitter old lady.
And another thing that has helped is sharing my life's stories w/ others and finding out that I'm not as alone as I thought. Just getting it out feels good. And ppl respond. They share their pain in return. Ppl that appeared to have no problems in the world. Ppl I thought were perfect, that I compared myself to and allowed to make me feel like less of a person. My stories helped others and theirs helped me.
I don't know yours but there is w/o a doubt joy out there for you. You can feel like yourself again or like a new self if that's better. Deep down you know what you want out of this life but for some reason you don't feel you can have it.
We can't have it all but we can have some. Appreciation for what we have now is a beautiful thing b/c it can be worse. I worry about anxiety and depression but I have a wonderful child that loves me to no end, a loving and supportive boyfriend, a great job, a good car to get around in and a roof over my head. Clothes to put on my back and food to eat and an awesome mother that surprised me w/ this program after watching me suffer so long. If I'm having such a hard time w/ all this, I could only imagine being homeless or starving, or having a man beat me daily or tragically poor health, disfigurement. Locked in jail for life for something I didn't do. Who knows what. And the saddest part is some of those who experience the worst suffering are still able to find a little joy.
Please! Pick your head up, enjoy your children and whoever else is in your life. You control you. For a long time I said it felt like my mind controlled me instead of me controlling it. But that's only if you let it. Tell it to shut up, that YOU are in control. I wish I could just zap you w/ a magic wand and make you better b/c I know how it hurts to feel so down. But just remember that you've been happy b4 so it isn't impossible to be happy again. Send me a private message if want.
BH
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Guest
Hi Eric,
After reading your last post and seeing the meds you're on, have things gotten worse or better since starting on them again? I have not used that exact combination before, but I did have a very bad reaction to prozac last fall. I started on a 10mg dose and went up 10mg each week or two until I hit 30mg, then I stayed at that dose for about 3 weeks. I have used probably 8-10 of the anti-depressants available and only had mild negative reactions in the past, but the prozac was another story all together!
About two weeks into the 30mg dose, I started feeling more and more depressed with each passing day. I reached a point where I didn't care about anything or anybody. I can honestly say I have never been that bad in the 14 years I have been fighting both depression and anxiety. On one of the last really warm days of September, I laid out in the backyard in a hammock and literally saw my life passing before my eyes. I could not get a single positive thought to go through my mind no matter how hard I tried.
Later that afternoon my wife came home, and I walked out of the bedroom with a loaded pistol we keep around for protection and hunting, and handed it to her. I told her she had better hide it or something bad was surely going to happen. I will never forget the look on her face as I laid the gun in her lap. I got in touch with my doctor that afternoon and made an emergency appointment.
For some reason about two days earlier I started to taper back on my prozac. I like most folks didn't want to take medication if I didn't have to, and the larger dose just made me tired and lethargic. My physician could not figure out why I had began to crash, or finally reach a point where I became hopelessly suicidal out of the blue. I toughed it out for a couple more days, and the thoughts went away almost as quickly as they had started. The culprit, the increased levels of prozac! As soon as I got back to a lower level, all thoughts of sucide subsided. Overall, one of the low points in not only my fight with depression, but life in general.
So if your symptoms reached an intolerable level as you increased or added medications to your daily doses, one or a combination of them may well be what's adding to your depression. I'm not a doctor, just another person fighting the same misery many of you are struggling with. You just have to be careful, as sometimes the very medication given to make you feel better, can turn a bad day into a tragic one.
Depression and anxiety is a moving target. You not only have to keep an open mind to the possibility of things that can make you well again, but stay mindful of how your body is reacting, and throw up a big red flag should a medication or procedure send your life sideways unexpectedly...
After reading your last post and seeing the meds you're on, have things gotten worse or better since starting on them again? I have not used that exact combination before, but I did have a very bad reaction to prozac last fall. I started on a 10mg dose and went up 10mg each week or two until I hit 30mg, then I stayed at that dose for about 3 weeks. I have used probably 8-10 of the anti-depressants available and only had mild negative reactions in the past, but the prozac was another story all together!
About two weeks into the 30mg dose, I started feeling more and more depressed with each passing day. I reached a point where I didn't care about anything or anybody. I can honestly say I have never been that bad in the 14 years I have been fighting both depression and anxiety. On one of the last really warm days of September, I laid out in the backyard in a hammock and literally saw my life passing before my eyes. I could not get a single positive thought to go through my mind no matter how hard I tried.
Later that afternoon my wife came home, and I walked out of the bedroom with a loaded pistol we keep around for protection and hunting, and handed it to her. I told her she had better hide it or something bad was surely going to happen. I will never forget the look on her face as I laid the gun in her lap. I got in touch with my doctor that afternoon and made an emergency appointment.
For some reason about two days earlier I started to taper back on my prozac. I like most folks didn't want to take medication if I didn't have to, and the larger dose just made me tired and lethargic. My physician could not figure out why I had began to crash, or finally reach a point where I became hopelessly suicidal out of the blue. I toughed it out for a couple more days, and the thoughts went away almost as quickly as they had started. The culprit, the increased levels of prozac! As soon as I got back to a lower level, all thoughts of sucide subsided. Overall, one of the low points in not only my fight with depression, but life in general.
So if your symptoms reached an intolerable level as you increased or added medications to your daily doses, one or a combination of them may well be what's adding to your depression. I'm not a doctor, just another person fighting the same misery many of you are struggling with. You just have to be careful, as sometimes the very medication given to make you feel better, can turn a bad day into a tragic one.
Depression and anxiety is a moving target. You not only have to keep an open mind to the possibility of things that can make you well again, but stay mindful of how your body is reacting, and throw up a big red flag should a medication or procedure send your life sideways unexpectedly...
Last edited by imageman on Wed May 12, 2010 6:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
That's an excellent point imageman! Increased depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts are listed side effects of all of these types of drugs. These were symptoms I paid close attention to when I started taking Effexor ER and I asked my family to pay a little closer attention to me during my trial phase. Thankfully, I am feeling much better.