Hi there,
I'm sure some of you know who I am.
My name is Lisa and I've been through the program twice before and (probably off and on for the past year and a half).
I am currently doing it a third time, on Session 4.
I had a HUGE problem with OST's before. Specifically "what if I killed myself?"
Although, I know I wouldn't because that just <span class="ev_code_RED">FREAKS ME OUT!!!</span>
Well I am going through some "harder" times now.
I have been overthinking SO much lately.
I have been thinking about everything.. I wake up and think.
"How come I am NOT COMPLETELY over anxiety?"
I've done this how many times??
"How come I alaways have to tell my Boyfriend, Michael, or my Mom everything?"
If I feel down, I have to tell them, If I feel sad, I tell them, If I have a weird thought or a scary thought, I tell them because I feel wierd if I don't!
If I get mad, I wonder why am I getting mad?
It's that old familiar vicious cycle and I want it to stop!
I would love some words of encouragement.
I am ackowledging that I am thinking negatively and that is what is causing me to "feel" bad. I know that! It's just that sometimes it is SO hard to just SHUT IT OFF!!!
Can you guys (veterans) relate?
I have come so far, I just really hate it when I get this down on myself for not being where I want to be!
Maybe it's because I'm going through the program again FULLY this time and it's all right there on the surface. I am doing Lesson 4 ight now and did the expectation inventory exam and scored 4 points higher that I did before.
I guess I am having HIGH expectations about me and my improvements with this program. I FEEl I SHOULD be over it by now!
Or I am about to start my period and I KNOW that this overthinking thing always happens during that time.
Or this could just be an excuse!
I guess it's my turn to ask for advice!
thanks guys!
Lisa
P.S. Has anyone read "women who think too much"
I saw the book on amazon and I was wondering if it is worth the read but then I don't want to add something more to the whole program to get me off track. I tend to do that sometimes- read 8 things at once..
=)
A Veteran needs help!
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Guest
Lisa,
I am so sorry you are having a rough time again.
Please try not to be discouraged. I feel like part of recovery is knowing that anxiety is a part of life. We will feel it at times, we will feel down, and that is ok. We know what it is, now we have the tools to deal with it, in a better, more productive way. I too have been thru the program, reviewed it time and time again, going thru it again. Life is not perfect, nor will it ever be. We are not perfect. And that is ok. You are expecting too much out of yourself. See you already are aware of this. Isn't that a wonderful thing in itself, that you can see this. So you are in a better place, and be so very thankful that you discovered this program and it is at your fingertips anytime life gets a little tougher.
I want you to know too, I have a more difficult time, during my time of the month, that is not just an excuse, your hormones are out of wack, and we are not going to feel as well. So just expect at this time, you probably won't feel as well, and don't be devastated when you don't feel as well. During those times we have to just try a little harder to keep our minds distracted and on the good stuff. You hang in there, there is nothing wrong with doing this program over again and again. We are human, and we forget things, we need our minds refreshed, time and time again. I can tell you are a very special person, and I wish you the very best.
You will be fine, You can do this!!! Again!!!!
And that is OK!!!!
Love Your Friend
Angla
I am so sorry you are having a rough time again.
Please try not to be discouraged. I feel like part of recovery is knowing that anxiety is a part of life. We will feel it at times, we will feel down, and that is ok. We know what it is, now we have the tools to deal with it, in a better, more productive way. I too have been thru the program, reviewed it time and time again, going thru it again. Life is not perfect, nor will it ever be. We are not perfect. And that is ok. You are expecting too much out of yourself. See you already are aware of this. Isn't that a wonderful thing in itself, that you can see this. So you are in a better place, and be so very thankful that you discovered this program and it is at your fingertips anytime life gets a little tougher.
I want you to know too, I have a more difficult time, during my time of the month, that is not just an excuse, your hormones are out of wack, and we are not going to feel as well. So just expect at this time, you probably won't feel as well, and don't be devastated when you don't feel as well. During those times we have to just try a little harder to keep our minds distracted and on the good stuff. You hang in there, there is nothing wrong with doing this program over again and again. We are human, and we forget things, we need our minds refreshed, time and time again. I can tell you are a very special person, and I wish you the very best.
You will be fine, You can do this!!! Again!!!!
And that is OK!!!!
Love Your Friend
Angla
I'm a veteran like you as you can see by my date,same year as you too. Anyway I've been having struggles with anx/dep lately and it's VERY frustrating. I'm determined to get through this though cuz I've had enough. Yesterday I listened to the relax CD several times and today I will listen to the one on Expectations. I started a new business and think I'm expecting too much. I'm expecting too much on a lot of things. There's nothing wrong with us going back to the program even if it's a zillion times. Pride comes before the fall. When I was doing good and reading other posts a while back I was feeling relieved that finally, I didn't have to keep going back to the program then BAM! it hits!! Well thank God I have the program to go back to.
The book you're talking about I never read. I heard a friend talk about it many years ago. I guess she thought it was helpful. Here's a thought. How is your spiritual life? Not meaning to be personal but I'm realizing in my own life when I'm not taking time for God or listening to the enemies lies of "you're not getting anything out of the Bible anyway." I really get screwed up. So for me I need to get back to taking care of my spiritual life and then I believe I'll get more order in the rest of my life. Let me know how you're doing. Yes, you were there for others. I enjoyed your post. So now you need help...so what...it's your turn honey! Stay sweet!
The book you're talking about I never read. I heard a friend talk about it many years ago. I guess she thought it was helpful. Here's a thought. How is your spiritual life? Not meaning to be personal but I'm realizing in my own life when I'm not taking time for God or listening to the enemies lies of "you're not getting anything out of the Bible anyway." I really get screwed up. So for me I need to get back to taking care of my spiritual life and then I believe I'll get more order in the rest of my life. Let me know how you're doing. Yes, you were there for others. I enjoyed your post. So now you need help...so what...it's your turn honey! Stay sweet!
Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.
~John F. Kennedy
~John F. Kennedy
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Guest
Hi Lisa,
Sometimes there's a trigger associated with the relapse in thought patterns.Don't obsess about it,but try to look for a common thing or combination of things that happened during or around the time it returned.I know with me there are combinations of things that remind me of the past and that starts a cycle of negative thought.Also try replacing a single negative thought with a positive and work the program.I'm not sure if this is good advice or not,but I got tired of telling people how I felt,I thought I got little back out of it and it made me fell even worse later on.I found for me that it helps to have a third party to tell things to.
Sincerely,Sit
Sometimes there's a trigger associated with the relapse in thought patterns.Don't obsess about it,but try to look for a common thing or combination of things that happened during or around the time it returned.I know with me there are combinations of things that remind me of the past and that starts a cycle of negative thought.Also try replacing a single negative thought with a positive and work the program.I'm not sure if this is good advice or not,but I got tired of telling people how I felt,I thought I got little back out of it and it made me fell even worse later on.I found for me that it helps to have a third party to tell things to.
Sincerely,Sit
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Guest
hmm.
Great advice you guys!!
Sit,
I know that last week got my mind moving because I was home alone last week. My family went out of town and my boyfriend did too!
it was me and my little lab Piper.
We had a good time, but I was terrified to stay home alone!
I wasn't as terrified as I once was before( before the program) but it got me to thinking about how I was before... The program
It was hard for me to DO anything without an extreme amount of anxiety, fear, and apprehension.
Thank God I'm not there but I think possibly that I am afraid of going back there.
I think it's those memories that pull me back into those old ways of thinking.
Great adice you guys..
I needed it today and I'm sure I still will from time to time.
I know it's all about god days and bad but once your doing well and helping others, it almost hurts your sense of self-assurance when you need to ask for some help!
My biggie is NOT telling my bf and mother ALL about my troubles, acheivements, thougths! I seem to want to tell them everyting and I ruly think this goes back to when I was little and always wanted my Mom to tell me I would be ok.
"I woulndn't throw up"
"I would be ok at school."
Etc. Etc.
Anyways I NEED to change if I want the results..
right?
Great advice you guys!!
Sit,
I know that last week got my mind moving because I was home alone last week. My family went out of town and my boyfriend did too!
it was me and my little lab Piper.
We had a good time, but I was terrified to stay home alone!
I wasn't as terrified as I once was before( before the program) but it got me to thinking about how I was before... The program
It was hard for me to DO anything without an extreme amount of anxiety, fear, and apprehension.
Thank God I'm not there but I think possibly that I am afraid of going back there.
I think it's those memories that pull me back into those old ways of thinking.
Great adice you guys..
I needed it today and I'm sure I still will from time to time.
I know it's all about god days and bad but once your doing well and helping others, it almost hurts your sense of self-assurance when you need to ask for some help!
My biggie is NOT telling my bf and mother ALL about my troubles, acheivements, thougths! I seem to want to tell them everyting and I ruly think this goes back to when I was little and always wanted my Mom to tell me I would be ok.
"I woulndn't throw up"
"I would be ok at school."
Etc. Etc.
Anyways I NEED to change if I want the results..
right?
Hi Lisa,
You've been a big help to me in the past with your posts, so I know you know deep down what to do. I know you're discouraged and disappointed because you expected it to be gone for good. So much of what you describe...wanting to voice everything that comes into your head just to have someone tell you it's Ok or "normal"...that's what I've done a lot. I've recently started having "sessions" with my husband. When it gets heavy and I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll ask for a session with him and voice what's bothering me. We were on vacation recently and I had a lot of anxiety so I told him I could have no more than 3 sessions a day. That way I didn't spend as much energy talking about it and bringing him down with it.
Another thing that God gave me was the phrase, "In spite of.." In spite of how I feel or what I'm thinking, I'm going to go about my day and try to enjoy it. The crappy way I may be feeling is not even true so that helped me spend less time giving it the attention it wanted.
Like Sit-n-Spin said, there's probably a source that stirred it up for you. Once they kick back into gear, it's just a matter of working hard not to give it power, floating with it all, etc...all the skills you learned in the program.
It just bites that you have to do all that again and that is exactly where I get stuck. "I don't want to!" Whiney, whiney! I hate it SOOOO much and so I fight it, and that's the exact problem that keeps me stuck. So, I'm working along side you at accepting it and knowing it doesn't get "out of hand" like I fear and that by not giving it as much attention, it will lighten up and eventually I'll be programmed not to be so affected.
There's an old skool guy named Abraham Low, M.D. who is sorta like the original king of CBT and some of his techniques have been light blub for me. My counselor gave me some of his books that are old timey but I took lots of good notes of it. He may be worth searching. If you're interested, I could send you the notes I took that helped me. Just let me know.
Man, have I rambled!
You still have what you know inside. Last thing from me, share what you're feeling with God. Tell him exactly how you feel and don't be scared by it. You may have to experience deep sadness or mourning in a way about why you have to go thru this, but I think He'll draw you near.
I'm here...
take care!
You've been a big help to me in the past with your posts, so I know you know deep down what to do. I know you're discouraged and disappointed because you expected it to be gone for good. So much of what you describe...wanting to voice everything that comes into your head just to have someone tell you it's Ok or "normal"...that's what I've done a lot. I've recently started having "sessions" with my husband. When it gets heavy and I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll ask for a session with him and voice what's bothering me. We were on vacation recently and I had a lot of anxiety so I told him I could have no more than 3 sessions a day. That way I didn't spend as much energy talking about it and bringing him down with it.
Another thing that God gave me was the phrase, "In spite of.." In spite of how I feel or what I'm thinking, I'm going to go about my day and try to enjoy it. The crappy way I may be feeling is not even true so that helped me spend less time giving it the attention it wanted.
Like Sit-n-Spin said, there's probably a source that stirred it up for you. Once they kick back into gear, it's just a matter of working hard not to give it power, floating with it all, etc...all the skills you learned in the program.
It just bites that you have to do all that again and that is exactly where I get stuck. "I don't want to!" Whiney, whiney! I hate it SOOOO much and so I fight it, and that's the exact problem that keeps me stuck. So, I'm working along side you at accepting it and knowing it doesn't get "out of hand" like I fear and that by not giving it as much attention, it will lighten up and eventually I'll be programmed not to be so affected.
There's an old skool guy named Abraham Low, M.D. who is sorta like the original king of CBT and some of his techniques have been light blub for me. My counselor gave me some of his books that are old timey but I took lots of good notes of it. He may be worth searching. If you're interested, I could send you the notes I took that helped me. Just let me know.
Man, have I rambled!
You still have what you know inside. Last thing from me, share what you're feeling with God. Tell him exactly how you feel and don't be scared by it. You may have to experience deep sadness or mourning in a way about why you have to go thru this, but I think He'll draw you near.
I'm here...
take care!
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13:6
Psalm 13:6
Wow! Finding this post was an answer to prayer today! Thank you Lisa and others!
I have not utilized this online site/resource until today, though I initially went through the program back in 2000-2001. The program helped tremendously and I did pretty well up until the last year or two.
However, slowly, the old fears/thought processes have crept up on me again and I have found myself so frustrated and guilt-ridden that I have let this level of anxiety/panic happen to me again! After all, having been through the program, shouldn't I know better?! Hate that feeling-sorry-for-myself, victim, mentality!!!! I was wondering if I was the only one who experienced "relapse" after the program...
Thanks to all of you for the "reality check" I experienced in reading through your posts on this subject today! It helped me think through where I probably got "off track." I am starting the program AGAIN today, with a renewed sense of direction. And what a great discovery of this online community, where even a new "stranger" to the site can feel a sense of understanding.
Thank you all!
Annie
I have not utilized this online site/resource until today, though I initially went through the program back in 2000-2001. The program helped tremendously and I did pretty well up until the last year or two.
However, slowly, the old fears/thought processes have crept up on me again and I have found myself so frustrated and guilt-ridden that I have let this level of anxiety/panic happen to me again! After all, having been through the program, shouldn't I know better?! Hate that feeling-sorry-for-myself, victim, mentality!!!! I was wondering if I was the only one who experienced "relapse" after the program...
Thanks to all of you for the "reality check" I experienced in reading through your posts on this subject today! It helped me think through where I probably got "off track." I am starting the program AGAIN today, with a renewed sense of direction. And what a great discovery of this online community, where even a new "stranger" to the site can feel a sense of understanding.
Thank you all!
Annie
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Guest
Hi Lisa,
I'm sorry you are feeling badly. I haven't been doing so hot myself lately. Lots of stress! yes, right before my period I feel so weird. I remember feeling weird when I didn't have anxiety around the period and I told my mom. She said the same thing happens to her, so it's 'normal' but not fun. You are right in that it is SO hard to turn off. Today I was driving back from my son's dentist appointment (20 miles away) and I was so afraid that I would have a panic attack or crash the car. I called my husband and talked to him some, but I never had an attack and now I'm mad that I even called, so I understand that it is frustrating to want to get over the anxiety already! I've had it off and on for 12 years and I'm now 29.
Sorry I can't offer a lot of help as I'm in your shoes as well.
Take care,
Ocean
I'm sorry you are feeling badly. I haven't been doing so hot myself lately. Lots of stress! yes, right before my period I feel so weird. I remember feeling weird when I didn't have anxiety around the period and I told my mom. She said the same thing happens to her, so it's 'normal' but not fun. You are right in that it is SO hard to turn off. Today I was driving back from my son's dentist appointment (20 miles away) and I was so afraid that I would have a panic attack or crash the car. I called my husband and talked to him some, but I never had an attack and now I'm mad that I even called, so I understand that it is frustrating to want to get over the anxiety already! I've had it off and on for 12 years and I'm now 29.
Sorry I can't offer a lot of help as I'm in your shoes as well.
Take care,
Ocean
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Guest
Wow!
I love all of your responses.
You all are great listeners and offer great advice.
If the truth be told, I didn't want to post on here because I didn't want to hurt my pride.
(Being that I have helped others, I wanted to be the one to have the ANSWERS. Not want or need them.)
BUT.... I feel so much better that I did because somebody else ALWAYS has a different viewpoint and I find the comfort from ALL of YOU!
Keep em coming...
So I finally got the pride thing out of the way. I hope no one is offended that I wrote that. Yes, I truly was worried of what people would think on here if they saw that I posted something about needing help then they may think, "Oh great, she helped me before and now SHE needs help!"
I wouldn't want to discourage anyone..
SO..
I went to lunch with my boyfriend. He picked me up from work and we went to our favorite restuarant and sat on the patio. The sun is shining, it's 78 degrees, and just gorgeous outside.
But before I could enjoy any of this, I had a panic attack in the car!!
<span class="ev_code_RED">A full blown Panic Attack!!</span>
I haven't had one like that in at least a year.
I was crying, got all hot, started sweating and wanted him to give me the <span class="ev_code_RED">"answers"</span>
Now... He was understanding and felt bad for me, however he didn't do what he did in the past.
He didn't tell me "It is Ok Lisa, this is just anxiety."
He did tell me that I wouldn't kill myself and go crazy!
But he didn't CODDLE me.
Now, looking back, it was probably the best thing he could have done but at the time, I wanted to KILL him.
Here was our dialogue
Lisa: What's wrong with me? Your not saying anything? I feel like I'm going back to square one.
Michael: <span class="ev_code_BLUE">sound of crickets</span>Lisa: I need you to tell me that I'll be ok.
Michael: <span class="ev_code_BLUE">sound of crickets</span>
Lisa: Why can't you just give me the answers! I wish I could have an easier way and just have the answer!
Michael: Lisa, you have to find the answer inside of you.
That was all he needed to say for me to wipe my tears away, get out of the car, order some food, and enjoy my lunch out with him.
Did my anxiety go away right away? NOPE
Did I feel better after a good cry? YOU BET!
Was I scared ? Yep
Did I get through and comeout stronger for it? YOU BET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that what I am doing is the right thing, This Program!
It helped me before tremendously and it will help me again and I'm sure there are going to be trying times. But the more I FLOAT (which I stink at) the more I will realize its NO BIG DEAL.
I'm on my way!
Thanks again everyone!
I love all of your responses.
You all are great listeners and offer great advice.
If the truth be told, I didn't want to post on here because I didn't want to hurt my pride.
(Being that I have helped others, I wanted to be the one to have the ANSWERS. Not want or need them.)
BUT.... I feel so much better that I did because somebody else ALWAYS has a different viewpoint and I find the comfort from ALL of YOU!
Keep em coming...
So I finally got the pride thing out of the way. I hope no one is offended that I wrote that. Yes, I truly was worried of what people would think on here if they saw that I posted something about needing help then they may think, "Oh great, she helped me before and now SHE needs help!"
I wouldn't want to discourage anyone..
SO..
I went to lunch with my boyfriend. He picked me up from work and we went to our favorite restuarant and sat on the patio. The sun is shining, it's 78 degrees, and just gorgeous outside.
But before I could enjoy any of this, I had a panic attack in the car!!
<span class="ev_code_RED">A full blown Panic Attack!!</span>
I haven't had one like that in at least a year.
I was crying, got all hot, started sweating and wanted him to give me the <span class="ev_code_RED">"answers"</span>
Now... He was understanding and felt bad for me, however he didn't do what he did in the past.
He didn't tell me "It is Ok Lisa, this is just anxiety."
He did tell me that I wouldn't kill myself and go crazy!
But he didn't CODDLE me.
Now, looking back, it was probably the best thing he could have done but at the time, I wanted to KILL him.
Here was our dialogue
Lisa: What's wrong with me? Your not saying anything? I feel like I'm going back to square one.
Michael: <span class="ev_code_BLUE">sound of crickets</span>Lisa: I need you to tell me that I'll be ok.
Michael: <span class="ev_code_BLUE">sound of crickets</span>
Lisa: Why can't you just give me the answers! I wish I could have an easier way and just have the answer!
Michael: Lisa, you have to find the answer inside of you.
That was all he needed to say for me to wipe my tears away, get out of the car, order some food, and enjoy my lunch out with him.
Did my anxiety go away right away? NOPE
Did I feel better after a good cry? YOU BET!
Was I scared ? Yep
Did I get through and comeout stronger for it? YOU BET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that what I am doing is the right thing, This Program!
It helped me before tremendously and it will help me again and I'm sure there are going to be trying times. But the more I FLOAT (which I stink at) the more I will realize its NO BIG DEAL.
I'm on my way!
Thanks again everyone!
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Guest
Hi Lisa-
A lady I met on this site told me about a book that I find helpful, and you may too. It's called Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Leibgold. He runs CBT groups in CA, and was himself a "scaredy cat" for 31 years. The info. he presents is in the same vein as StressCenter.com but in different words. I think I have listened to my tapes so much that I could repeat them verbatim, so getting at it a different way has been valuable to me. He also advocates relaxation, exercise, etc. and the big part of his idea is exposing yourself gradually to the stuff you fear and realizing that adrenaline is a very short lived chemical, and that if we don't keep giving ourselves a dose the feelings go away. He is humorous which makes it good for me too- I am a visual learner and some of the pictures he paints in my mind make me cackle out loud. And who can be anxious when they are laughing?
Anyway- I too put out a plea for help and Boon answered me and told me about the book. And I too get more flighty when I am hormonal. I used to have 2 good weeks, 2 anxious weeks.
You are on the right path. Do what you have to do to stay on the straight and narrow and feel free to write if you need a hug.
Terri
A lady I met on this site told me about a book that I find helpful, and you may too. It's called Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Leibgold. He runs CBT groups in CA, and was himself a "scaredy cat" for 31 years. The info. he presents is in the same vein as StressCenter.com but in different words. I think I have listened to my tapes so much that I could repeat them verbatim, so getting at it a different way has been valuable to me. He also advocates relaxation, exercise, etc. and the big part of his idea is exposing yourself gradually to the stuff you fear and realizing that adrenaline is a very short lived chemical, and that if we don't keep giving ourselves a dose the feelings go away. He is humorous which makes it good for me too- I am a visual learner and some of the pictures he paints in my mind make me cackle out loud. And who can be anxious when they are laughing?
Anyway- I too put out a plea for help and Boon answered me and told me about the book. And I too get more flighty when I am hormonal. I used to have 2 good weeks, 2 anxious weeks.
You are on the right path. Do what you have to do to stay on the straight and narrow and feel free to write if you need a hug.
Terri