Ever Obbsess over Your Looks?

Better! · Post by **Better!** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 1:33 am

Here is a superficial yet honest question.
Have you ever obbsessed over your looks? Like why are others better looking then me, or why am I not one of the beautiful people? Like why did I have to settle or did I settle for my mate and stuff like that? Like I could have done better, or could I have done better with my mate? Like, I dated better looking people and all that stuff that races around your mind. Like I feel jealouse over others and their lives and their looks and their mates and all that stuff.

Have you ever been plaqued with thoughts like that or am I alone?

It comes and goes for me.

Mom of 6 · Post by **Mom of 6** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 6:30 am

I hate it when no one responds.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 6:52 am

Hmmm. Well not really. WHenever I Felt bad about my looks, I just did what I could to look better, (weights, running, Nice haircut). THere are some features of myself I obviously can't change. I do however often find that I do date people who I think are "better looking" than me. I basically never settled for someone who I didn't think was very attractive. However I have been told by various gfs that "oh your much better looking than me", so I think everyone really underestimates the way they look. I have a big ugly nose, but people say its not that big or noticable. I think we just examine our worst features and make them worse than we are. If you do feel bad about your looks and are not going to the gym, DO IT! Cardio does not only make you look better, but more importantly, if you do push yourself you get a drug like high from it, that lasts for at least an hour. Its a like free hour of peace.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 7:07 am

We should never compare how we look to someone else. Regardless how you physically look, remember there are positive things about the way you look. Try to focus on those. Comparing only makes you miserable and regardless if you could change whatver you disliked about the way you looked, if you dont value how you look now, chances are you wouldnt value how you looked if you changed what you didnt like.
Everyone has something,, it could be beautiful eyes, a sweet smile, the color of your skin, maybe great looking hair. But, like my mother used to tell me, beauty is more than skin deep.. In other wards,, you could see the ugliest person in the world, but they become beautiful from the inside out... Nelly

Mimigirl · Post by **Mimigirl** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 7:45 am

hi Better and Tryinghard and Mello! ((((cyber hugs to all)))) gonna share a little thing i have been doing, thanks to a chat reminder from another dear soul on theis recovering journey--a helpful "tip". i am reparenting my little self, from a small 5 year old who never felt as pretty or as loved or "good enough" as everyone else in the whole world. i have a framed pic of me then, up on my living room wall unit...that time being 1954..yup i am much older than alot of yous. but, i am watching TCM=turner classic movies from that 1954 time and before to get a "flavor of the times i lived and what my own parents lived thru. what shaped their thinking, and "embracing them all" and my own little "unloved-not good enough as others self", as it seemed it started in my youth these feelings. it is going well, as all are being unconditionally built up, "warts and all" and upbuilt just as they and i was....and treated with unconditional love and what we all needed then to now=love and acceptance, and some joy----that is being done with "what IFS that are POSITIVES"...ideas gathered from those times then...to now. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE to FEEL about yourself? surely "Black and White comparisons to others" is not creations way to personal happiness. noooo=that is NOT the way to personal acceptance and upbuildment, to love and BE our own best. so, take some time out, and whatever it takes to BEGIN upbuilding your own self, just as you are....putting in blocks of time to eat right--prepare simple healthy body good fare to eat....exercise time regularly--even baby steps if not feeling well or way too out of shape or too depressed ---just "Making oneself" put one foot in front of the other regularly, small steps forward....then most of all---------patting your own self on the back for every effort pushing yourself forward each day even the small bit you do DO=that is "good enough" to start upbuilding your own self. BEST WISHES to all...make a "forward plan even in small baby steps...there is good information and sources of helpful 'tips" out there and in here from Program DOERS who have been there....look for good information, and begin implimenting things that "May help" you....with a little faith and lots of patience in your own efforts=.....to begin a better perspective on "YOU", you are worth it!!! Luv and hugs to all of us.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:12 am

Hi Better!

I can relate to most of what you are saying, in fact, this where the majority of my anxiety and depression stems from.

I'm constantly asking myself those questions, even fantisizing about what it would be like to be someone else. It takes me hours to get ready in the am, I constantly change clothes, try to style my hair etc (i'm a guy by the way). It's not only stessful, but exhausting & depressive. I try to stop because I realize it has become a bad habit, but then I think "what's wrong with wanting to look my best?" It has also led to social anxiety, not just b/c I feel bad about myself, but b/c I compare myself to every other guy I see making myself feel worse.

Like Tryinhard said, there are some things about ourselves we just can't change, and that can be hard to accept. And I end up getting wrapped up in the things I can change, like my hair or clothes. But what really needs to be changed is my attitude.

It got especially hard when my boyfriend moved in... he's one of those guys that just falls out of bed & puts on anything & looks great... in 20 mins w/ no effort. I constantly ask myself why can't I be like that?

Maybe we can work on this issue together. Tell me something you like about yourself.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:45 am

I just had to respond to this post! I actually had one similiar awhile back and got some very good responses---especially from Nelly! hate to admit it, but I still struggle with this and self-esteem. In fact, I went to a neighbor gathering this past wknd and I posted on here how nervous I felt. You know, I never had that problem all my life..no matter if I had anxiety symptoms or not. When i really dig deep, I realize that I THOUGHT I was so social and funny etc. etc. and I probably was, but I used to drink alot when I went out or at any social gathering. Growing up, drinking went hand in hand with "having a good time". Fortunately, I just lost the urge to drink when I got married. That was like 8 years ago. So, I think now when I go out and choose not to drink, i am dealing with my real personality-which may not be so social and free and funny... Anyway, I went to this party and told myself how well I have been doing with all this anxiety stuff. I can't even begin to tell you how many people told me I looked great. BUT, as hard as it was, i said "thank you" and let it go. There is a balance that needs to be met though. Here I want to stop judging people so that I stop comparing and worrying about how I look, but then, people come up to you and comment (good or bad) about how you look...I read a book not long ago about one woman who solved that by answering to another person who asked her how much weight she lost "My weights not up for discussion". I've got to tell you, no matter how much of the assertive tape I listen to, I still would and could not say that back to someone!! What a ramble....goodbye.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 10:36 am

Karmerri, I saw your thread and may I also suggest that if you are buying magazines or books that emphasize external beauty, that you abstain. You may also consider cutting out the T.V. shows that emphasize the same. And, a change of social gatherings. Most lounges are "meat markets" and it's all about looks and who's going hook-up with whom. There are a lot of other fun things to do.
I believe as you begin spending more time on you, and time alone, you will begin to experience your real beauty. And, honey, if we must compare ourselves to others, compare everything. You'll see we all have many special appealing attributes.

This will pass as your self-esteem increases. Your friendships may change too as you find people with more substance more attractive.

You deserve respect and love from others.

jcat · Post by **jcat** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 1:09 pm

Rte

I appreciate the feedback but I think there might be some confusion- the book I was talking about was actually called "It's not about food" and it's a book about eating disorders including emotional eating and stuff...that's where that lady made the comment and I was confused and laughed a bit when you said "lounges" and "meat markets". I am 37 years old, a stay at home mom, married (happily) and hardly ever go out. My husband and I went to a neighbors house for a Christmas gathering. I am not sure if that's what you were talking about. It been ages since I've been to any gathering where people are looking to hook-up! My self-esteem issues, really came after I had my children and have been a stay at home mom. As the children get older I slowly feel myself taking care of me more and having more free time. I am actually like one of the ladies on the tapes in the program--I need to start socializing and getting out more-I am alone alot!! I don't have any problem being alone but I want to start getting out more and involvled with other things-that's where reclaiming my self-esteem is very important to me. thanks.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 1:19 pm

ALso its good to remember that the way you look is subjective. I mean I do find models to look pretty good, but I have found girls that might be considered plain, to be much sexier. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.