I was beginning to feel sorry I ever opened this can of worms because I thought I would get lost in a swirling vortex of morbid introspection. (LOL) But I am surviving. I thought it would make me more self-absorbed – and maybe it is a little – but it also makes me want to be more connected with people and to have real understanding and compassion and patience with them.
I am starting to lighten up. Sharing these things with so many others, of which I was previously unaware, dissolves the stigma and makes it less imposing and scary. The hilarious thing is that we are all the same and some of us humans “act like” we have it more together than others – these are the ones who judge the most because they are scared to death of the weakness within themselves and so they reject it in others who have the courage to be real about it.
I once went to a counselor who “had it all together”. I was seeking help with parenting, earnestly wanting to do what I could to help my children be the best they can be. In one of our first (and last) sessions, I kept trying to find some common ground so that I could trust her enough to be vulnerable about my parental insecurities. I asked her about her own background and if she had personal challenges that she had overcome. She said she was a basically well-adjusted person because she had been privileged to come from a very secure home life. I commented that it must be challenging sometimes to relate to her clients. I kept feeling this sense of condescension (just little comments or body language or something) and thought I was probably being paranoid. Later, when I decided not to go back because I just felt uneasy with her, she called and let me know in a syrupy voice that she thought I was short-changing my children by not “getting them the help they needed”. I calmly and assertively told her that I cared very much about my children but that I was the one to decide what kind of help they needed and that we would be ok and thanked her for her concern. She still wouldn’t let it go – accusing me of not wanting to make the financial investment (it was a very expensive therapy that she had proposed for us all). I finally had to tell her, in as kind a way as I could, that SHE was the reason I had discontinued therapy and that that was my decision and right. She later called and made some ridiculous quibble about $10 on my account and totally revealed her motives. She literally wouldn’t stop talking and obsessing about $10! I finally said calmly, “I’m hanging up now.” (I had already paid the $10.) I realized, “Hey, sometimes my intuition can be trusted. I was right about her!” Looking back now, I can almost feel sorry for her. I think that is the ultimate step in the process – to move past indignation – to understanding and forgiveness… Even if the other person is never able to see themselves through the eyes of others. WE all need mercy and forbearance…until we are able to see and accept the truth. It’s taken me 46 years to even begin to see my own stuff. (ha!)
Good luck, everyone, in your journey...
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