What if's and weird thoughts

aleisa123 · Post by **aleisa123** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 8:44 pm

To make a long story short... Basically, I think for I don't know how many years I have been sweeping my anxiety under the rug so to say and never really dealt with it. So in early October, it all came to a breaking point and I had some really scary panic episodes for several days.

Now I am making progress through this program and therapy, but it seems like things I never really realized or thought about before keep coming up in my mind. For example, I think "What if the sun never shines again?" or "What's gonna happen to me when I'm old?" or I am really forgetful and tire easily. And when I try to remember something, I just can't or it takes me awhile to remember. I used to like when my folks would go out of town and I would have the house to myself, but now they are leaving tomorrow and I think, what am I gonna do all alone? Who will be there to take care of me? But they don't take care of me usually, they are just there in the house. I take care of myself. I guess just knowing that they're there if I need them helps.

I was just wondering if anyone else experiences this?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 4:53 am

Well this is kind of ironic, because I'm in your same position. I've had anxiety for years and I've always swept it under the rug - until I moved in with my boyfriend in October and moved out of my parents house and I broke down. I am still in a horrible anxious and depressive period, but doing the program and seeing some results.

Tomorrow my parents are going out of town for 14 days, which I know is why I am such a mess today. Although I live on my own and I don't do much with my parents, I worry myself to a point where I feel sick thinking about them being gone, especially my mom. She is my safe person. I think it's normal to be afraid of being alone with anxiety. Even today my boyfriend is at work and I'm alone in my apartment and I feel awful. I used to love being alone. I truly think it has something to do with how bad our anxiety is and our fear of nobody being around "if" we need them. There is that "if" word. What if... Here is how I look at it. Most people are only a phone call away. You aren't alone. It's hard being alone when you feel this bad, especially with the scary and obsessive thoughts. With those type of scary thoughts, the what if's and such, I always follow them by saying "this is just anxiety" or "thoughts only thoughts" You really have to try to under-react to them. It's feeding them fear that gives them the power to affect you. And it's hard, I know. I woke up today so anxious having horrible "what if's" and scary thoughts. Just take life one day at a time and try to be in the moment.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 2:35 pm

Thank you for your kind words. I realized today that I am afraid because for so long I have been so angry at the world, and using anger as a defense mechanism I forgot to see how important and special the people in my life really are and how much I care about them and they care about me. So I think the scary thoughts are my anxiety rearing it's ugly head, like it's saying well you didn't appreciate what you had so now it will be taken away from you. I know that's not true but it's hard to talk myself out of those thoughts. But I keep telling myself that the more I fear things the more power they have over me.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 3:04 pm

I understand about the anger part. For many years I was angry about not having a normal family growing up (ugly divorce, etc)Than last year, I lost my oldest brother and father within three months of each other. All of a sudden this September after a very stressful period with work, my anxiety went out of control. Scary thoughts, obsessing, etc. I just want you to know that you are not the only one. I think for many years I never truly appreciated what I had until it was gone. Now, I have to reteach myself to appreciate every day every moment, and to be thankfl for all the little things.
I find the program to be very helpful, and is working, so stick with it and devote as much time as you can. Your not alone!!! Hang in there.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 3:55 pm

I feel the same way! I have obsessive scary thought all the time and it is hard not to fear them....I get thoughts like, What if i hurt myself, does that mean I am suicidal, or what if I hurt someone else and I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else.....I want to be happy and the fdear of the thoughts and images make me cry....So I then become depressed....I had a bad experience on Lexapro, it gave me suicidal thoughts 3 months ago - that is when the OCD really kicked in for me...I visioned myself with a knife in my chest or slitting my wrists or stabbing someone, I hate it! I tried other meds and I became severally agitated more than normal......Do any of you here fear objects, or fear getting paranoia, or schitzophrenia, or other illnesses? I always had anxiety since I was a kid, but I am 34 now, and the OCD really kicked in.....I feel like a freak....I even get afraid to leave the house but at the same time, fear being alone and not with my husband, as if he can fix and save me....lol....I wish it was that easy....I just started this program 2 weeks ago....I find it hard to focus or I become more anxious, or pick up on other peoples thoughts, too.....lol....I am a mess....I wake up anxious, etc.....I hope this program works for all of us......

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 3:59 pm

Also, do any of you get mood swings from fear to gulit to depressed and agitated where you get pissed off easily? Take it out on others cuz you are frustrated? I hate that I am this way.....I love life and people, and I do care about people.....I just feel as though I am so selfish, cuz I obssess so much its hard for me to focus on others a lot of the time.....

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 9:09 pm

Hi heisthe greatphysician we all have what you are describing, I thought many times about stabing myself in the heart and ripping off my whole chest

just to quiet down my panic attacks, wich at the time I didn't have any idea this was call a panick attack,,I was just feeling a roller coaster inside and I couldn't figure out what was happening with me, I was just going crazy. I do have OCD and other stuffs too but I have been listening the audiotapes until session 5 (and a small pick in session 10)and getting to listen to the explanations of why we think all this stuffs is giving me a lot of comfort,,keep going You'll find out there is answers and ways to work this out.... God be with you! Liz