Please tell me if this is normal?

Nikiab55 · Post by **Nikiab55** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:43 pm

I got diagnosed with Panic disorder when I was 18 (I'm 34 now) at the time I was having repeative panic attacks all day until I quickly became agorophobic. I went to a dr and was placed on xanax but when I had another panic attack later that day, I realized it hadn't been cured by the medicine. So I read everything I could find on anxiety and talked to my Uncle that I found had been suffering from the same thing and I learned about the disorder. It took me a year before I felt completely like my whole self again and went off the meds but when I did I thought I was cured.
Then about 7 years later I started having problems again with panic attacks. I should mention that in the interim between the end of the first bout with panic disorder and this new occurence- I did, from time to time, have panic attacks. But I was able to breathe through them and not let them scare me and I didn't get the scary thoughts afterwards. Then all of a sudden 7 years had gone by and I felt like I was almost as bad off as I was the first time. This time though, I could leave my house after three days and I only avoided places that were more difficult to leave if needed- like work (i went on disability) or church or school (not that I was in school at the time- but places like that) I went on zoloft, got the program tapes and went to a psycologist. Anyway, it was about 4 mos before I felt back to normal that time and about 6 mos before I went off the zoloft.
So here it is.....it's been about 8 years since that period of my life and I feel like I'm almost starting all over again except in some ways that is part of the problem. Because I know so much about anxiety now that my mind seems to be coming up with new ways to scare me. I don't worry about having the actual panic attacks anymore (I don't like them but I can usually talk myself through them)what seems to be freaking me out the most is the wierd irrational thoughts like, "what if the meds can't possibily help me this time because I've used up all my "recoveries"?, "what if I never feel NORMAL again?", "what if I have to live my life pretending to feel ok?", "what if my anxiety disorder has morphed itself into something too vague to fix because I no longer worry enough about the panic attacks and now worry mostly about just no feeling normal?"
Can someone please tell me if they have felt similar and recovered from it? I'm just scared I won't get my wondeful life back!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:51 am

I was just wondering why you went off of the Zoloft so soon? I am taking Zoloft for panic disorder and I have been on it for a little over a year and I am pretty much back to my old self again. I am back to work and I even went to the beach for a week and now I go all the time and don't think twice about it. I even went to Walmart on black friday at four in the morning by myself. My dr. told me I would probably be on the meds for the rest of my life and I am okay with that because if they help then I am all for it. I was so scared to take it at first. The Zoloft sat in my cabinet for a year before I took it. My panic attacks got so bad I couldn't leave my house and even at home I was panicking. Was it your decision to go off of the medicine or was it your dr's? I really think that medicine will help you. I know what it feels like to live that way and it is awful. You feel like a prisioner. My friend once explained it to me as I was in a room with no windows and I was locked in there and I felt like there was just no way out. I use to feel that way but I don't anymore. I was adopted at birth and when my panic started I found my birth mother and come to find out I inherited it from her, which in some way was a huge relief becasue I knew I wasn't going crazy. Everyone has there own ways of dealing with the panic. Just keep telling yourself you have beat this before and you will beat it again. You are a strong person and you can get through this. I get scared alot too that my panic is going to come back and I won't be able to get rid of it. I think that is just a natural concern with anyone with panic attacks. If you need anything let me know.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:14 pm

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me back. To answer your question- I took myself off the zoloft because I felt I had gotten to a place where I could deal with the anxious feelings through breathing and relaxation exercises. I was no longer avoiding anything. And after the first "go 'round" with anxiety when I was 18 they only had me on xanax which I knew wasn't a long term solution so at that time when I got to a good place I stopped taking the xanax and was happy and "normal" for 7 years. (like I said before-I did still have a panic attack from time to time, like 2-3 times a year. But they didn't bother me. I would just get through that 5 mins or so and then I'd be fine) Anyway, 7 years later when I went through another terrible time with anxiety- I did the "work" and I felt back to myself enough after about 6 mos so I took myself off the zoloft and maintained my relaxation and positive self talk exercises. It worked for another 8 years of happy "normal" life. I've had a lot of things to actually be stressed about in my "real" life for about the past 7 mos and I kept saying I should probably go back on the zoloft because I knew my body is predisposed to handle anxiety with panic but I kept putting off because I thought since I was aware of the stress I would be able to "handle" it. And I kept blaming the "warning" symptoms on other things like, I started having fearful thoughts about my health but I would excuse myself because maybe there really was something wrong. Or another big sign for me was it got harder and harder for me to fall asleep. But I kept saying to myself, "I'm a night person and now that I've been laid off from work there's no reason I HAVE to get up before noon." It finally got so bad that I couldn't sleep all night into the next day and I started totally panicking that I would die because I would never be able to sleep again. By that time it went downhill in a 2 day period until then I was in full blown anxiety and depression (but oddly enough, not full blown panic attacks)so I immediately went to the doctor's and got back on zoloft. That was 2 days ago and I have an appt with a therapist in 2 days. So I'm hoping I can get through all of this again it's just that it feels more vague this time so I worry SO much that nothing will help me this time. The other two times I was more concerned about the panic attacks so while I was recovering I could tell myself specifically that the was my number one underlying fear. Now, my underlying fear is that I just won't feel normal. I can still do all the stuff I need to do but I feel like I'm going through the motions and as long as I keep busy then I won't think about the wierd anxious feeling I have. But I want to be able to enjoy down time like everyone else and not worry and feel bummed. I worry that things that used to make me feel happy will only now make feel distracted enough to get by. Is this how anyone else feels?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 3:45 pm

I had a bout with anxiety and depression 10 years ago. I was on Xanax and Celexa - plus listened to the tape series. Within a few months I was felt back to "normal", but stayed on Celexa for 18 months. Then after being off the Celexa for 8 & 1/2 years (with occasional anxiety) I found myself having similar symptoms. Although this time I didn't get as physically or emotionally bad as the first time, the power of my memory was strong! Because I remembered how bad I was, my mind found it hard not to go there. Just treat each day - each moment of panic one at a time. Try not to project the worst case or tell yourself you'll never get better. You will. You have done it before and you will do it again! Talk to your doctor about medication. Maybe your body needs it? Of course we'd like to not have to take anything, but that is what they are for. Just a word - the Celexa did not work for me this time - in fact it made me feel worse. Don't be afraid to try something new - your body changes - and there are so many improvements to the meds. One of the benefits of medication is that hopefully it can help your mind calm down so you can think clearly without worrying that something is "really wrong". Then you can continue working on the tape skills. My doctor likens the SSRIs to pain medication - if you are in pain and wait too long to take anything, it is very difficult to get the pain under control. Same with SSRIs - if you get too emotionally or physically out of whack, it will be harder to get better. Hang in there - you will get you joy for life back!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 4:09 pm

hisgirl
Thank you so much for responding it sounds like you might know a little of what I'm feeling. If there's any way I could ask you some more questions please let me know.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 6:20 pm

Nikiab55,
You can send a private message through the profile page. I'd be happy to help if I can!

had enough · Post by **had enough** » Sun Dec 14, 2008 1:48 am

When ever something starts with "what if" and you get that feeling, it's time to chill.

There are situations in our spiritual lives and work=a=day lives that warrant introspection and the like...but this is different. Yes, I've had similar thoughts. Not exactly the same, only in that they made me feel alone. And you are never alone.

Someone said, "i am with you always".
JEFF