Motivation to exercise?
This is a big problem for me, I have big plans but never actually do anything. I have social anxiety so prefer to exercise at home, I bought a treadmill and some weights but to be honest it is so damn boring. 2 mins on the treadmill feels like a life time. I persevere every morning before work at 5am, but get bored before I get a sweat built up. I could go out for a run along a local beach which is about a 2 min walk away, but at 5am its dark, and I'm a bit over weight and am concious of this, hence why I prefer to stay home. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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I have the same problem I don't want to exercise either. But maybe this will help. Have you tried listening to music. Do you have a good insperational song you like listen to. Listen to it first. Mine is Stronger Woman by Jewel. I know the song is about a relationship with guys but if you just listen to the lyrics and feel them about you being a stronger woman and your own best friend it helps me anyway. then continue to listen to up beat music and sing along. Have fun and laugh as you go. maybe then it won't be so boring. Also do you have anyone you could exercise with? I like to take long walks and it always helps when someone goes with me. Hope this helps and best of luck.
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What Lucinda says, may sound contrite - BUT IT IS ALL TRUE, we all have the same 24 hrs in a day. So, you then need to ask yourself, HOW DO YOU CHOOSE TO SPEND YOUR TIME? In addition, as Lucinda also said(I do honestly just luv that lady), How bad do you want it? How bad do you want recovery?<span class="ev_code_RED">Listen, recovery ENTAILS many things & recovery requires MANY THINGS OF YOU.</span> What those thing are, will/may vary per individual. However, there are some things that are a constant among all of us anxiety sufferers:
1) changing those parts of us that CREATED the anxiety disorder = CHANGING OURSELVES. This equates to our changing the negative ways we: think + act + react/over-react + LACK emotional independance + self accountability & responsibility + handling stress/pressure.
2) JOURNALING. We all need(desperately) to get ourselves to a place where we're comfortable admitting what we're thinking & feeling - then to FEEL THEM = acknowledge/admit/resolve/desolve/let go & move on. Journaling helps this treamendously.
3) Research. READ READ READ READ & just when you think you've read enough - READ READ READ SOME MORE. The insecurity w/ anxiety disorder comes fr THE UNKNOWN(what is this thing - so we run fr in out of not REALIZING we do have control)- so, logically, when we EMPOWER ourselves w/ knowledge= filling our brains w/ all that anxiety disorder REALLY IS & using all that energy we do all have to LEARN "SKILLS" - the FEAR/UNCERTAINTY/INSECURITY - lessons, kind of like, <span class="ev_code_RED">"hey, I know what this is - so I don't have to be afraid & run. Because I know what it is & how it is created, there are THINGS I CAN DO/CHANGES I CAN MAKE-SKILLS, THAT WILL AID ME IN MAKING THE ANXIETY GET TO STEPPING. Then, I get go about my business".</span>All that is made available through empowering yourself via research & reading. Find out what anxiety is + how it is created & why + learn the skills.
4 & 5) lol. DIETARY INTAKE & EXERCISING.
- Listen, we're not talking about eating hay every day & instantaneously becoming LANCE ARMSTRONG OR JACK LALANE here. We're talking about implenting sm changes & being CONSISTANT w/ those changes = a little something every day, 1 day @ a time - 1 MEAL @ A TIME. There is no denying how very much the the unealthy foods we're eating directly contributes to our anxiety disorder + the lack of exerise we all never did or started/but didn't keep up w/. We can make all the excuses in the world to everyone & their mother. We can't run fr ourselves - so who are we really kidding. MOTIVATION COMES FR "DOING". We all need motivation & we can create that for ourselves, by ourselves IF WE REALLY WANT IT THAT BAD - w/o ANY EXCUSES.
When my anxiety disorder triggered, lol - lord have mercy I was a walking 2 wks of OPRAH no joking. I had THINGS, many things, to work on. I was diagnosed w/ anxiety disorder + panic attacks & PTSD (fr 3 different things). My case was so extreme, I couldn't work + needed an anxiety med 3x's per day + needed 2 sleep aids(was only getting on average 1-2 hrs of sleep per every 24 hrs) + was informed by 2 different dr's that I was 1 of the worst cases they had ever seen(that is bad) + was totally dependant on my husband for the 1st time in my life + emotionally dependant on anyone willing to give me the time(any time) of day. I was not living, I was existing. I was experiencing 24/7 mind & body numbing fear - beyond any comprehension I could muster. I felt alone = like I was in a world w/in itself, by myself. I was beyond overwhelmed w/ the totality of my anxiety disorder & the existence it did create for me. It was "THAT EXISTENCE" I am referring to, that WAS/IS/ALWAYS WILL BE my MOTIVATION - for a healthier life(mentally + emotionally + physically + spiritually). The tricky thing was, so everyone does eventually learn who is taking this JOURNEY TO RECOVERY FR ANXIETY DISORDER, I/YOU- are responsible for all that. WHile support is very important w/o a single doubt. It wasn't the responsiblity of my husband + our family=inlaws + or friends to do it for me. I am responsible for my own happiness & my own quality of life - not them. They are enhancements to my life - they are not here to make my life for me.
As I mentioned earlier, there can be no EXCUSES w/ recovery. One can't come up w/ every single reason under the sun WHY I CAN'T DO THIS/THAT/OR THE OTHER THING & then attempt to justify their excuses. Instead of saying "I can't", 1 needs to create a mindset where they say, "I will find a way" = no excuses.
As I've also previously mentioned, RECOVERY ENTAILS MANY THINGS & WILL REQUIRE MANY THINGS OF YOU. In my particular case, long b/4 I was even ready for Lucinda's program & facing/changing myself - I required therapy w/ a psychiatrist. Long story short, my therapy equated to consolidating 20+ yrs(apprx) of past yrs trauma, into 20 months. Every single emotionally gut wrenching week, I went back. I didn't want to - it was what was best for me/my life/my emotional health & my recovery. I faced & felt things in that room w/ my therapist I wouldn't wish on anyone. Again, my recovery depended on it - my desire to BE THERE. So, I went week after week after week. I needed "prodding"/help remembering & getting myself comfortable "facing & feeling" the things 1 does in therapy. So, I initiated journaling. I cld it HOMEWORK - in the COLLEGE of EMOTIONAL WELLNESS, lol lol
No one was forcing me to do this - not even my therapist - it was all up to me. It wasn't him feeling these things, nor was it him/my husband/family/friends - me. I was filled w/ anger/pain/fear/shame/deep seeded resentment that needed to come out.
I did successfully go through therapy. I was fortunate enough to get myself to a place where I recognized there were things about me that needed to change - I was ready to grow up & take responsibility for myself w/o blame, pointing the finger, or making excuses. I purchased Lucinda's program & started it in NOV 2006. I worked that program like noone's business. If there was something in theory I didn't understand, no excuses - I got another book & researched to get myself TO UNDERSTAND IT. I was committed to recovery & FEELING BETTER. It was during my doing the program, that the relationship b/w food/exercising to anxiety disorder came to light. Again, I was learning & was a willing pupil. I initiated sm changes in my dietary intake & began to initate some exercising. In my case, walking. I was really over-weight + lazy + out of shape. So, a ten min walk seemed like I should be given an award equivalent to the NYC MARATHON, lol. Again, they were sm changes - I just got moving a little bit. The real changes came a little later.
I had successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder. In DEC 2006, I stopped taking all anxiety med & several months prior to that, stopped taking all sleep aids. I had been successfuly working through Lucinda's program. I graduated fr therapy. It ended in JAN 2007. There came a price for me that those 3 yrs entailed. Remember, I had been home(not working) for the past 3 yrs + was alone @ home while everyone I knew worked + I had experienced the ABSOLUTE HELL that the worst of anxiety disorder is(on a daily basis, that would tire anyone out) + I had faced things fr my childhood/past = acknowledgements/truths/emotional pains that would wear on anyone. In MARCH 2007 - I went back to therapy. I was diagnosed w/ MAJOR DEPRESSION, for the 1st time in my life - I was 37/going on 38 @ the time. It was termed "situational/circumstantial" depression = the SUM of all that the previous 3 yrs entailed for me. I never had depression in my life. I remembered feeling beaten up/worn dwn & pissed off to be quite frank. I remember telling therapist, "I spend 2 yrs+ recovering fr anxiety disorder & busting my ... to now only get depression? What is this, some SICK JOKE or something?". This just happened to be a sm part of what <span class="ev_code_RED">my JOURNEY entailed.</span> Sure, I obviously didn't like it - but, I wasn't about to have 1 massive PITY PARTY adding to the HELL depression was already making me feel.
My depression scared me. It scared me because it attempted to deplete my soul/spirit/being of all things. It felt like someone TAZERED me - so that, physically & emotionally I was SPENT = in more pain than I could describe w/ mere words. This is the EX I gave my therapist: <span class="ev_code_RED">Imagine being outside your home. You see the sun - its bright. You see the birds in the trees & flying about & singing. You see the tree's leaves dancing about fr the wind's breeze brushing up against them. You see the neighbors going about their business & lives, even chatting amongst themselves. Now, imagine STILL being amongst all these things, w/ 1 exception - imagine(only for example sake)having a BURQA ON. Imagine this burqa completely covering you fr head to toe. It's dark/black. Now, you know those things are still outside - cause you saw them for your own eyes. However, because the burqa is impairing your ability to see them, you can't feel them - you can't experience them - the burqua is creating an ULTRA REALITY then for you. As a result of not being able to smell/see/hear/feel these things - that creates a DOMINO EFFECT. You then become dwn - your spirit zapped - you become sad/discouraged/even to a little morbid.</span> That is what MY DEPRESSION WAS FOR ME.
I was fortuate, I never thought to harm myself - I did love life, inspite of what depression was attempting to tell me otherwise. My depression PREYED on the worst of my previous experiences - attempting to fool me into believing they were my FOREVER. It preyed on my vulnerability & any pain I had & MAGNIFIED THEM.
I decided to go on a depression med, w/ 1 strict stipulation b/w me & my therapist. We were gonna GO THERE - I worked too damn hard to get myself recovered fr anxiety disorder for depression to try & take that away fr me. Some of the things I needed to address were my "food issues" + "being over-weight". I was 211+ lbs when depression triggered - for me it was SIZE 22. My gosh, I am only 5'3 1/2(gotta get that 1/2 in, hahahahhahah). I realized that my unhealthy relationship w/ food & lack of exercise directly contributed to my depression. It wasn't by no means, the sole reason for it - it was just a major contributor. How would a woman feel good/healthy @ that weight & size, really? The food I was eating was the worst, in excessive amounts. I wasn't exactly mobile either. I didn't look good, didn't feel good, didn't like how I looked as a woman - forget feeling sexy - that wasn't even option to me.
So, I resolved to make some SERIOUS CHANGES. I 1st started addressing my food issues in therapy - the majority of these issues stemmed fr childhood. Then, I initiated my attempting to create some changes in my dietary intake. Now remember, anyone who has ever attempted this LIFESTYLE change will tell you the same thing, for the average person - changing your dietary intake(making healthier choices more consistantly) & iniiating daily exercising IS "NOT" EASY. My having to do just that w/ MAJOR DEPRESSION, while very much needed, was simply hell on earth. As anyone who has ever experienced depression can attest to, depression hurts, literally & physically - there is a great deal of physical & emotional pain. Depression depletes you of your emotional & physical energy + will + desire + enthusiasm. However, my recovery fr depression dictated I DO IT ANYWAY - find a way - create motivation fr myself, by myself - cause sure as a pig in poopy, depression wasn't about to help me w/ that.
Now, again remember, when I was diagnosed w/ depression, I was not working - I was home. Every single day, I could have allowed depression & all its excuses to ENVELOP me if I allowed it to. My BED was right there calling my name every single day - as was my COUCH w/ the COMFY END PILLOWS. Technically, I had no responsibility - I could have slept all day - ate all the wrong foods constantly if I wanted to - OPPORTUNITY WAS RIGHT THERE - BAM, RIGHT IN MY FACE = A FINGER'S TIP AWAY, if I so desired. The thing was, I may not have had no responsibility to the OUTSIDE WORLD so to speak in terms of a job, etc. I most definitely had responsibility to myself. Yes, means + opportunity & DEPRESSION were giving me every reason NOT TO. However, I wanted to FEEL BETTER - I wanted to live life & experience it - I wanted DEPRESSION out of my body. So, inspite of all these things, I HAD TO DO IT ANYWAY, no excuses.
Talk about TIRED. My gosh, I never in my life experienced tiredness like I did w/ depression - even if I had a great nights sleep. I fought it. Everyday, I got up & moved. Because I knew I was over-weight & out of shape, I started small. I would get my IPOD & walk outside in my neighborhood - little by little, gradually. I started w/ 15 mins & built up, just walking & walking. Then, when I was physically capable, I started using the TREADMILL we had at home that had MAJOR DUST ON IT - it became a HANGER HOLDER, hahahahahaha
In the beginning, w/ depression, this was torture honest w/o exageration. I fought, every day, depression's attempt to keep me: tired + physically spent + laying around/sleeping all day + no showering/bathing + getting dressed - often @ times, LITERALLY CRYING as I forced myself to DO IT ANYWAY, no excuses. The worst of all that DEPRESSION was - WAS MY MOTIVATION.
After my getting diagnosed w/ depression in MARCH 2007, & having initiated some consistant changes in my food & exercising, I joined WEIGHT WATCHERS in JUNE 2007. In addition, my hubby & I joined a gym.
EX: you mention your self consciousnes about your weight. Let me tell you the very 1st time I went to the gym after getting diagnosed w/ depression. I went in, feeling proud "wow, I am a gym member, lol". I went right to the treadmills, not having used the other machines in yearssssssssssssssssssssssss. Oh sure, for about 2.2 sec's I remembered using those same machines in yrs gone by. I also KNEW ME, while changing - I knew I'd be inclined to force myself to do more than I could(like 1hr) & give up b/4 I started. So, I told myself, "heck no. You know you can do apprx 20 mins' on treadmill @ 2.4 speed - so that is what we're gonna do, no more."Remember, I was FAT - 211+ lbs - size 22. I remember getting on the treadmill & there was this 1 guy next to me - man, that guy didn't have an ounce of fat on his butt cheek, honest. He was more fit than I had ever seen anyone - he was running & all. For 2.2 sec's I got embarrassed @ my weight/shape/lack of physical ability. That didn't last. I told myself, "girl, be proud - you are a gym member - you are 1 of many taking responsibility & getting healthy". So, w/ that, me & that 1 guy, ran/walked side by side = both w/ the goal of living better + feeling better - 1 movement/step/walk/jog @ a time.
I joined weight watchers to gain a healthier relatioship w/ food - it's premsis isn't based on diet & deprivation. Rather, it teaches you to live, making healthier choices - so that moderation isn't a foreign concept. I learned I CONTROL WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH. I built up gradually. I exercised every day, no excuses. Now, EXERCISING need not mean being bored - there is versatility available: walking in a park + window shopping @ a mall + bowling + golfing + playing a game of softball, the gym - lifting weights + swimming - anything, JUST AS LONG AS YOU DO IT, AS LONG AS YOU DO SOMETHING.
Everyday, during these past 14 mths(since being diagnosed w/ depression & joining weight watchers), I've built up knowledge + physical ability + better food choices. My motivation was wanting to FEEL BETTER - to rid my body of this depression. Was it hard? Is it hard? Yes, all those things & a bag of popcorn(usually say chips, lol - but I don't really eat chips, lol lol). It required, that inspite of all that depression was making me feel - I do it anyway. If I wanted recovery fr depression bad enough - I HAD TO FORCE MYSELF. Yes, even when the opportunity of my bed & couch cld my name.
I filled my IPOD w/ music I like - music that just makes you want to jam man. Music that, even if you're reluctant, you find yourself moving it - really. The kind of music, who power is greater than the worst of depression - this music seeps into your soul/spirit/being/body - & it moves ya. I walk on my treadmill @ home, w/ ipod on & a magazine of choice or a book. I just finished reading 2 of Lance Armstrong's books. You want motivation - think of this man who had CANCER - was told he was gonna die - yet HE DID IT ANYWAY. Hell, if he can w/ cancer, I could too w/ depression. I was able to build up on our treadmill, to a point where I am @ slow speed & high INCLINE -for a more intensive workout. We also go for works outside more often than I can count. We also go to gym on weekends.
As of today, Monday Aug 11, I have accomplished the following:
1) my depression meds have been lowered several times. I am now on the lowest possible dosage(lowered just 2 wks ago), w/ my goal ='g to be completely off of them. Depression is losing its battle w/ me.
2) I have lost 70LBS thus far. I went fr size 22 when I started WEIGHT WATCHERS to a size 4 now, 1 yr later.
3) exercising/physical activity have become a daily part of my life - an ASSUMED PART of my life. Again, it doesn't always & only include our treadmill. I simply get my tushy off the couch & start moving something - something, anything - I just do it. MY MOTIVATION IS GETTING THE POISONS THAT IS "DEPESSSION" out of my body, completely.
4) I have a healthier realtionship w/ food now. I no longer live to eat. Rather, I eat to live. I acknowledged I am an emotional eater - who kind of has an addiction to all foods. Because I now know better, as Maya Angelou says, I can do better.
5)I've returned to working USA 5 mths ago, the 1st time in 3 1/2 yrs - & I am succeeding.
Listen, I am NOT 1 of those blessed folks who wake up everyday & say(like a giddy school child), "ooh, I can't wait to exercise". NOTTTTTTTTT, LOL LOL! However, I like how MY DOING IT ANYWAY make me FEEL. As a result, I do it anyway, no excuses. My motivation was my wanting to FEEL BETTER. If Lance Armstrong could do it w/ CANCER - what excuse did I really have? NONE.
Your Friend,
Lenore
P.S. Remember, 1 day @ a time. Not, next week/month/year. Today, I CHOOSE TO eat healthier 1 meal @ a time. Today, I choose to do some form of physical activity cause that is exercising - there are many more options, than there are excuses.
1) changing those parts of us that CREATED the anxiety disorder = CHANGING OURSELVES. This equates to our changing the negative ways we: think + act + react/over-react + LACK emotional independance + self accountability & responsibility + handling stress/pressure.
2) JOURNALING. We all need(desperately) to get ourselves to a place where we're comfortable admitting what we're thinking & feeling - then to FEEL THEM = acknowledge/admit/resolve/desolve/let go & move on. Journaling helps this treamendously.
3) Research. READ READ READ READ & just when you think you've read enough - READ READ READ SOME MORE. The insecurity w/ anxiety disorder comes fr THE UNKNOWN(what is this thing - so we run fr in out of not REALIZING we do have control)- so, logically, when we EMPOWER ourselves w/ knowledge= filling our brains w/ all that anxiety disorder REALLY IS & using all that energy we do all have to LEARN "SKILLS" - the FEAR/UNCERTAINTY/INSECURITY - lessons, kind of like, <span class="ev_code_RED">"hey, I know what this is - so I don't have to be afraid & run. Because I know what it is & how it is created, there are THINGS I CAN DO/CHANGES I CAN MAKE-SKILLS, THAT WILL AID ME IN MAKING THE ANXIETY GET TO STEPPING. Then, I get go about my business".</span>All that is made available through empowering yourself via research & reading. Find out what anxiety is + how it is created & why + learn the skills.
4 & 5) lol. DIETARY INTAKE & EXERCISING.
- Listen, we're not talking about eating hay every day & instantaneously becoming LANCE ARMSTRONG OR JACK LALANE here. We're talking about implenting sm changes & being CONSISTANT w/ those changes = a little something every day, 1 day @ a time - 1 MEAL @ A TIME. There is no denying how very much the the unealthy foods we're eating directly contributes to our anxiety disorder + the lack of exerise we all never did or started/but didn't keep up w/. We can make all the excuses in the world to everyone & their mother. We can't run fr ourselves - so who are we really kidding. MOTIVATION COMES FR "DOING". We all need motivation & we can create that for ourselves, by ourselves IF WE REALLY WANT IT THAT BAD - w/o ANY EXCUSES.
When my anxiety disorder triggered, lol - lord have mercy I was a walking 2 wks of OPRAH no joking. I had THINGS, many things, to work on. I was diagnosed w/ anxiety disorder + panic attacks & PTSD (fr 3 different things). My case was so extreme, I couldn't work + needed an anxiety med 3x's per day + needed 2 sleep aids(was only getting on average 1-2 hrs of sleep per every 24 hrs) + was informed by 2 different dr's that I was 1 of the worst cases they had ever seen(that is bad) + was totally dependant on my husband for the 1st time in my life + emotionally dependant on anyone willing to give me the time(any time) of day. I was not living, I was existing. I was experiencing 24/7 mind & body numbing fear - beyond any comprehension I could muster. I felt alone = like I was in a world w/in itself, by myself. I was beyond overwhelmed w/ the totality of my anxiety disorder & the existence it did create for me. It was "THAT EXISTENCE" I am referring to, that WAS/IS/ALWAYS WILL BE my MOTIVATION - for a healthier life(mentally + emotionally + physically + spiritually). The tricky thing was, so everyone does eventually learn who is taking this JOURNEY TO RECOVERY FR ANXIETY DISORDER, I/YOU- are responsible for all that. WHile support is very important w/o a single doubt. It wasn't the responsiblity of my husband + our family=inlaws + or friends to do it for me. I am responsible for my own happiness & my own quality of life - not them. They are enhancements to my life - they are not here to make my life for me.
As I mentioned earlier, there can be no EXCUSES w/ recovery. One can't come up w/ every single reason under the sun WHY I CAN'T DO THIS/THAT/OR THE OTHER THING & then attempt to justify their excuses. Instead of saying "I can't", 1 needs to create a mindset where they say, "I will find a way" = no excuses.
As I've also previously mentioned, RECOVERY ENTAILS MANY THINGS & WILL REQUIRE MANY THINGS OF YOU. In my particular case, long b/4 I was even ready for Lucinda's program & facing/changing myself - I required therapy w/ a psychiatrist. Long story short, my therapy equated to consolidating 20+ yrs(apprx) of past yrs trauma, into 20 months. Every single emotionally gut wrenching week, I went back. I didn't want to - it was what was best for me/my life/my emotional health & my recovery. I faced & felt things in that room w/ my therapist I wouldn't wish on anyone. Again, my recovery depended on it - my desire to BE THERE. So, I went week after week after week. I needed "prodding"/help remembering & getting myself comfortable "facing & feeling" the things 1 does in therapy. So, I initiated journaling. I cld it HOMEWORK - in the COLLEGE of EMOTIONAL WELLNESS, lol lol
No one was forcing me to do this - not even my therapist - it was all up to me. It wasn't him feeling these things, nor was it him/my husband/family/friends - me. I was filled w/ anger/pain/fear/shame/deep seeded resentment that needed to come out. I did successfully go through therapy. I was fortunate enough to get myself to a place where I recognized there were things about me that needed to change - I was ready to grow up & take responsibility for myself w/o blame, pointing the finger, or making excuses. I purchased Lucinda's program & started it in NOV 2006. I worked that program like noone's business. If there was something in theory I didn't understand, no excuses - I got another book & researched to get myself TO UNDERSTAND IT. I was committed to recovery & FEELING BETTER. It was during my doing the program, that the relationship b/w food/exercising to anxiety disorder came to light. Again, I was learning & was a willing pupil. I initiated sm changes in my dietary intake & began to initate some exercising. In my case, walking. I was really over-weight + lazy + out of shape. So, a ten min walk seemed like I should be given an award equivalent to the NYC MARATHON, lol. Again, they were sm changes - I just got moving a little bit. The real changes came a little later.
I had successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder. In DEC 2006, I stopped taking all anxiety med & several months prior to that, stopped taking all sleep aids. I had been successfuly working through Lucinda's program. I graduated fr therapy. It ended in JAN 2007. There came a price for me that those 3 yrs entailed. Remember, I had been home(not working) for the past 3 yrs + was alone @ home while everyone I knew worked + I had experienced the ABSOLUTE HELL that the worst of anxiety disorder is(on a daily basis, that would tire anyone out) + I had faced things fr my childhood/past = acknowledgements/truths/emotional pains that would wear on anyone. In MARCH 2007 - I went back to therapy. I was diagnosed w/ MAJOR DEPRESSION, for the 1st time in my life - I was 37/going on 38 @ the time. It was termed "situational/circumstantial" depression = the SUM of all that the previous 3 yrs entailed for me. I never had depression in my life. I remembered feeling beaten up/worn dwn & pissed off to be quite frank. I remember telling therapist, "I spend 2 yrs+ recovering fr anxiety disorder & busting my ... to now only get depression? What is this, some SICK JOKE or something?". This just happened to be a sm part of what <span class="ev_code_RED">my JOURNEY entailed.</span> Sure, I obviously didn't like it - but, I wasn't about to have 1 massive PITY PARTY adding to the HELL depression was already making me feel.
My depression scared me. It scared me because it attempted to deplete my soul/spirit/being of all things. It felt like someone TAZERED me - so that, physically & emotionally I was SPENT = in more pain than I could describe w/ mere words. This is the EX I gave my therapist: <span class="ev_code_RED">Imagine being outside your home. You see the sun - its bright. You see the birds in the trees & flying about & singing. You see the tree's leaves dancing about fr the wind's breeze brushing up against them. You see the neighbors going about their business & lives, even chatting amongst themselves. Now, imagine STILL being amongst all these things, w/ 1 exception - imagine(only for example sake)having a BURQA ON. Imagine this burqa completely covering you fr head to toe. It's dark/black. Now, you know those things are still outside - cause you saw them for your own eyes. However, because the burqa is impairing your ability to see them, you can't feel them - you can't experience them - the burqua is creating an ULTRA REALITY then for you. As a result of not being able to smell/see/hear/feel these things - that creates a DOMINO EFFECT. You then become dwn - your spirit zapped - you become sad/discouraged/even to a little morbid.</span> That is what MY DEPRESSION WAS FOR ME.
I was fortuate, I never thought to harm myself - I did love life, inspite of what depression was attempting to tell me otherwise. My depression PREYED on the worst of my previous experiences - attempting to fool me into believing they were my FOREVER. It preyed on my vulnerability & any pain I had & MAGNIFIED THEM.
I decided to go on a depression med, w/ 1 strict stipulation b/w me & my therapist. We were gonna GO THERE - I worked too damn hard to get myself recovered fr anxiety disorder for depression to try & take that away fr me. Some of the things I needed to address were my "food issues" + "being over-weight". I was 211+ lbs when depression triggered - for me it was SIZE 22. My gosh, I am only 5'3 1/2(gotta get that 1/2 in, hahahahhahah). I realized that my unhealthy relationship w/ food & lack of exercise directly contributed to my depression. It wasn't by no means, the sole reason for it - it was just a major contributor. How would a woman feel good/healthy @ that weight & size, really? The food I was eating was the worst, in excessive amounts. I wasn't exactly mobile either. I didn't look good, didn't feel good, didn't like how I looked as a woman - forget feeling sexy - that wasn't even option to me.
So, I resolved to make some SERIOUS CHANGES. I 1st started addressing my food issues in therapy - the majority of these issues stemmed fr childhood. Then, I initiated my attempting to create some changes in my dietary intake. Now remember, anyone who has ever attempted this LIFESTYLE change will tell you the same thing, for the average person - changing your dietary intake(making healthier choices more consistantly) & iniiating daily exercising IS "NOT" EASY. My having to do just that w/ MAJOR DEPRESSION, while very much needed, was simply hell on earth. As anyone who has ever experienced depression can attest to, depression hurts, literally & physically - there is a great deal of physical & emotional pain. Depression depletes you of your emotional & physical energy + will + desire + enthusiasm. However, my recovery fr depression dictated I DO IT ANYWAY - find a way - create motivation fr myself, by myself - cause sure as a pig in poopy, depression wasn't about to help me w/ that.
Now, again remember, when I was diagnosed w/ depression, I was not working - I was home. Every single day, I could have allowed depression & all its excuses to ENVELOP me if I allowed it to. My BED was right there calling my name every single day - as was my COUCH w/ the COMFY END PILLOWS. Technically, I had no responsibility - I could have slept all day - ate all the wrong foods constantly if I wanted to - OPPORTUNITY WAS RIGHT THERE - BAM, RIGHT IN MY FACE = A FINGER'S TIP AWAY, if I so desired. The thing was, I may not have had no responsibility to the OUTSIDE WORLD so to speak in terms of a job, etc. I most definitely had responsibility to myself. Yes, means + opportunity & DEPRESSION were giving me every reason NOT TO. However, I wanted to FEEL BETTER - I wanted to live life & experience it - I wanted DEPRESSION out of my body. So, inspite of all these things, I HAD TO DO IT ANYWAY, no excuses.
Talk about TIRED. My gosh, I never in my life experienced tiredness like I did w/ depression - even if I had a great nights sleep. I fought it. Everyday, I got up & moved. Because I knew I was over-weight & out of shape, I started small. I would get my IPOD & walk outside in my neighborhood - little by little, gradually. I started w/ 15 mins & built up, just walking & walking. Then, when I was physically capable, I started using the TREADMILL we had at home that had MAJOR DUST ON IT - it became a HANGER HOLDER, hahahahahaha
In the beginning, w/ depression, this was torture honest w/o exageration. I fought, every day, depression's attempt to keep me: tired + physically spent + laying around/sleeping all day + no showering/bathing + getting dressed - often @ times, LITERALLY CRYING as I forced myself to DO IT ANYWAY, no excuses. The worst of all that DEPRESSION was - WAS MY MOTIVATION.After my getting diagnosed w/ depression in MARCH 2007, & having initiated some consistant changes in my food & exercising, I joined WEIGHT WATCHERS in JUNE 2007. In addition, my hubby & I joined a gym.
EX: you mention your self consciousnes about your weight. Let me tell you the very 1st time I went to the gym after getting diagnosed w/ depression. I went in, feeling proud "wow, I am a gym member, lol". I went right to the treadmills, not having used the other machines in yearssssssssssssssssssssssss. Oh sure, for about 2.2 sec's I remembered using those same machines in yrs gone by. I also KNEW ME, while changing - I knew I'd be inclined to force myself to do more than I could(like 1hr) & give up b/4 I started. So, I told myself, "heck no. You know you can do apprx 20 mins' on treadmill @ 2.4 speed - so that is what we're gonna do, no more."Remember, I was FAT - 211+ lbs - size 22. I remember getting on the treadmill & there was this 1 guy next to me - man, that guy didn't have an ounce of fat on his butt cheek, honest. He was more fit than I had ever seen anyone - he was running & all. For 2.2 sec's I got embarrassed @ my weight/shape/lack of physical ability. That didn't last. I told myself, "girl, be proud - you are a gym member - you are 1 of many taking responsibility & getting healthy". So, w/ that, me & that 1 guy, ran/walked side by side = both w/ the goal of living better + feeling better - 1 movement/step/walk/jog @ a time.
I joined weight watchers to gain a healthier relatioship w/ food - it's premsis isn't based on diet & deprivation. Rather, it teaches you to live, making healthier choices - so that moderation isn't a foreign concept. I learned I CONTROL WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH. I built up gradually. I exercised every day, no excuses. Now, EXERCISING need not mean being bored - there is versatility available: walking in a park + window shopping @ a mall + bowling + golfing + playing a game of softball, the gym - lifting weights + swimming - anything, JUST AS LONG AS YOU DO IT, AS LONG AS YOU DO SOMETHING.
Everyday, during these past 14 mths(since being diagnosed w/ depression & joining weight watchers), I've built up knowledge + physical ability + better food choices. My motivation was wanting to FEEL BETTER - to rid my body of this depression. Was it hard? Is it hard? Yes, all those things & a bag of popcorn(usually say chips, lol - but I don't really eat chips, lol lol). It required, that inspite of all that depression was making me feel - I do it anyway. If I wanted recovery fr depression bad enough - I HAD TO FORCE MYSELF. Yes, even when the opportunity of my bed & couch cld my name.
I filled my IPOD w/ music I like - music that just makes you want to jam man. Music that, even if you're reluctant, you find yourself moving it - really. The kind of music, who power is greater than the worst of depression - this music seeps into your soul/spirit/being/body - & it moves ya. I walk on my treadmill @ home, w/ ipod on & a magazine of choice or a book. I just finished reading 2 of Lance Armstrong's books. You want motivation - think of this man who had CANCER - was told he was gonna die - yet HE DID IT ANYWAY. Hell, if he can w/ cancer, I could too w/ depression. I was able to build up on our treadmill, to a point where I am @ slow speed & high INCLINE -for a more intensive workout. We also go for works outside more often than I can count. We also go to gym on weekends.
As of today, Monday Aug 11, I have accomplished the following:
1) my depression meds have been lowered several times. I am now on the lowest possible dosage(lowered just 2 wks ago), w/ my goal ='g to be completely off of them. Depression is losing its battle w/ me.
2) I have lost 70LBS thus far. I went fr size 22 when I started WEIGHT WATCHERS to a size 4 now, 1 yr later.
3) exercising/physical activity have become a daily part of my life - an ASSUMED PART of my life. Again, it doesn't always & only include our treadmill. I simply get my tushy off the couch & start moving something - something, anything - I just do it. MY MOTIVATION IS GETTING THE POISONS THAT IS "DEPESSSION" out of my body, completely.
4) I have a healthier realtionship w/ food now. I no longer live to eat. Rather, I eat to live. I acknowledged I am an emotional eater - who kind of has an addiction to all foods. Because I now know better, as Maya Angelou says, I can do better.
5)I've returned to working USA 5 mths ago, the 1st time in 3 1/2 yrs - & I am succeeding.
Listen, I am NOT 1 of those blessed folks who wake up everyday & say(like a giddy school child), "ooh, I can't wait to exercise". NOTTTTTTTTT, LOL LOL! However, I like how MY DOING IT ANYWAY make me FEEL. As a result, I do it anyway, no excuses. My motivation was my wanting to FEEL BETTER. If Lance Armstrong could do it w/ CANCER - what excuse did I really have? NONE.
Your Friend,
Lenore
P.S. Remember, 1 day @ a time. Not, next week/month/year. Today, I CHOOSE TO eat healthier 1 meal @ a time. Today, I choose to do some form of physical activity cause that is exercising - there are many more options, than there are excuses.