let down, disappointed, disillusioned...

chrysalis · Post by **chrysalis** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 5:00 pm

The session on expectations really hit home for me and I am struggling with it.
I want life and relationships to be "good" and "safe" and "fair" and "respectful" and I am willing to do whatever it takes on my end to be that for others but find that some people just don't care about anyone but themself and then I am let down and disappointed and even angry. Then depressed. All the stages of grief. It is a cycle I go through over and over with people because I want so much for them to be safe and loving and good and "for" me. But of course everyone keeps "letting me down" - I suspect because my expectations are too high. Good grief, how do you lower them from being disrespected and abused? I'm afraid if I lower them, I will be treated worse because people have always seemed to treat me as bad as I let them.
I am not a weak person. Super-strong - too strong - I can stand up for myself pretty well. The problem is I am standing up for myself ALL THE TIME lately - even when I'm not really being taken advantage of. Then I feel guilty and ashamed of myself for losing my temper.
OK, the more I write, the more messed up I see that I am!

Ugh! I just want to heal from my past. It is coming, but it's slower than I would like/"should" be.

I have been abused so I guess I look for this in everyone now and sometimes see it when it's not there. Then I hurt people who don't deserve it.
I really want to get over this but don't know HOW yet.
I know I need to focus more on the people who love me and not dwell on the ones who are mean. The more hurt and angry I get, the worse they are - to prove how much they don't care that they hurt me.
I've made a lot of progress in a lot of areas but this one is hard for me.
Can anyone relate to any of this? I have put myself out here and now feeling just a little vulnerable...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:01 am

Hey

I've been going through this a bit myself lately. I especially act this way with Men in my life. I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend too and am fearful of abuse in the future because of past abusers. I'm looking for answers too...just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:37 am

Yeah, I really appreciate your comments and encouragement. Sometimes I forget to appreciate the little rays of light and focus instead on the big black rainclouds. Take care, my friend.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Sep 19, 2008 11:46 am

Good news, the sessions which follow reinforce all the good stuff you are learning, and one day you will simply realize, Hey, I am doing okay today!
By the time most of us get to Session 4, we are deeply set in our habits of FILTERING. We might have four compliments in a day, but the one insult just sets us spinning into oblivion. That one insignificant insult (which is probably a lie anyway) clouds the day. We forget there were four sincere (true) compliments. We focus on that insult and obsess over it.
Good news reminder again, by the time you finish this program, you won't be doing that anymore. Mid way through Session 12, I am quite surprised at the things I simply don't do anymore. I don't think about it, I just quit doing them. Filtering is one of those things. If I get two compliments and two insults, I filter out the insults, and have a huge joyful feeling about the compliments.
It's not magic. It's a very good treatment plan. Just stay with it. You will be better off.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:40 pm

I think that maybe we sometimes don't let people be people. You and I may be willing to work on making a better relationship or ourselves better, but we make mistakes and even hurt people unintentionally. We let people down and maybe even look the other way sometimes and are guilty of inaction.
It's really hard sometimes to let other people by with doing the same thing. And I'm speaking from my personal exprience here. I know I have a good heart and will go to the ends of the earth for someone. I hate having my shortcomings pointed out- I think that I'm trying SO HARD in so may areas that I just can't get where I want in each place.
But when it comes to others, sometimes I assume the worst- that the don't care, they are cruel, that they will hurt me if I give them enough time. Eventually, if you let someone into your life, they will stumble or fail. We would want to be forgiven and given the benefit of the doubt.
So we have to try to do that for others. It's so hard sometimes, esp when they let you down time after time. It almost feels like I'm going into a self protection mode to find a reason to shut someone out so I don't get hurt anymore. I start thinking that everyone in my life (then or down) has hurt me in some way. So why continue to let them in to do that again or let someone new in to hae the chance?
That's a pattern I'm trying to break. I've been forgiven so many times. That's part of relationships. It's easy to forget the positive, so I'd try writing it down til you can be quick to recall it first. You can always glance back at it if you are feeling down. Hope this helps!