My Spouse Doesnt' Understand!!!

The Frustrated Gamer · Post by **The Frustrated Gamer** » Tue May 20, 2008 10:31 am

But I think she needs help just as much as I do! She is very scared of mental disorders of any kind to the point at which she told me that if I was clinically depressed (I'm not yet), she would take the kids and leave me! Has anyone else crossed this hurdle yet?

Frustrated gamer

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 20, 2008 10:43 am

When I first had my anxiety attack, I did not understand this nor did my wife. My wife and I are divorced now and she says the beginning of the end was when I started with this anxiety/depression. Looking back she was not much help.

luvpiggy · Post by **luvpiggy** » Tue May 20, 2008 10:53 am

Fortunately, my husband has been pretty supportive. Although he doesn't understand what I am feeling, he wants to know how to help me. I do get afraid, though, that one day he will get tired of me and want to leave. But, on the other hand, didn't we vow "in SICKNESS and in health"? I hope that this program will help me, so I can be happier in my life and not put so much stress on my husband.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 20, 2008 11:13 am

Its hard for our spouses to not be frightened by anxiety/depression....I mean we are the ones that have it and it scared the crap out of us.

But my best advice is to get your hands on the audio that Lucinda has its called Ill be there for you. It helps to let the people around us understand what we are going through and that this is not a mental disorder but an emotional overwhelming sensation. Stress happens to everyone but some of us just dont handle that stress in the best way....then we continue to scare ourselves with all our negative thinking and wham we are in the thick of panic and depression.

When we get married we get married to stay together through good and bad, sickness and health, wealth and poor, and all that good stuff in between. How shallow of your wife to say that she would take the kids and go if you should develop an illness or depression. Thats plain awful.

I will say that this program was just what I needed to find that real me that was inside. It gave me the skills I needed to change my attitude and live my life better.

You might want to think about some marriage counceling as well....if one of you are struggling with something it affects the marriage and so couceling can help put things into perspective....especially if there are children involved your dealing with thier futures as well....so start taking action to fix the problem instead of you blaming the spouse for not understanding and the spouse threatening to leave.

Good luck
PS....been married 16 years this August and have two kids so I have been in your shoes. Im not just speaking blindly here.
Dodger

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 20, 2008 12:22 pm

I can relate to this completely. I didn't have anxiety or depression in my first marriage. I think it started because of it. My second husband thought I could just "snap out of it" and all would be better. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way and because of his lack of understanding and my lack of desire to try to explain it to him, our marriage ended.

Now, I am working on my third marriage. My depression and anxiety is at an all time high and this husband doesn't understand it either. Early on in our relationship he swore he would be supportive and helpful and really try to understand what I go thru. He has gotten so wrapped up in his own life now, that for him to try to relate to my condition is asking way too much. He actually bought the program for me. Or should I say he ordered it. I ended up paying for it.

Bottom line...unless someone has experienced it, they don't understand it. They can try, they can offer encouragement and support but there is no way for them to feel what you feel or know what you know about it. There is no explanation for the thoughts and feelings of a person that goes thru what we do. I like to look at it as a dynamic issue... we just have to do the best we can and keep our feet moving. If we don't, we come to a standstill and that is not good for us, we know that.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 20, 2008 3:03 pm

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Is your wife scared of disorders because she has one that she doesn't want to face?
I'd hate for you to get to the point where you were clinically depressed but didn't get the help you needed out of fear you were losing your marriage over it. Hopefully it won't get there, and I hope your wife's heart softens and she gives you the support you need. Until then, maybe this group can be of help to you. Good Luck!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 21, 2008 5:26 am

My husband is not at all supportive about my anxiety. I am 55 years old and my very first anxiety attack was in January. My husband would just scream and yell at me. He'd tell me that I was crazy and that he was going to have me committed. He made things so much worse. I learned to leave the house when he got like that. I have a best friend who has been supportive and when I can I go visit her or one of my daughters. It is hard because the person I want to confide in and be there for me is him but he doesn't understand and is not capable of it right now. So I have had to find an alternative support system. I am feeling a little better now but I try not to complain to him even when I am feeling anxious. Try to find someone who you can talk to who will be supportive of you.

Hang in there
Debbe

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 21, 2008 6:04 am

How true. Going through anxiety and depression is hard but some much harder when your spouse is not there for support. The same goes for family. And I love the "just snap out of it" thinking as though none of us thought to try that! I was also older before this happened to me and the worst part was not having a clue what was wrong. After finding out the "whats" and "whys", it becomes easier to attack and beat....but some much more with the support of loved ones.

Malikye · Post by **Malikye** » Wed May 21, 2008 5:13 pm

My first wife didn't understand what I was going through also. She would say "what are you freaked out about, there is nothing wrong". When she asked what the feelings were, and I said it was like a worst acid nightmare come true ( not that I have taken acid, just heard the stories!), she would say that that was just weird. Not a lot of support there.
My new wife is supportive, and it makes the world of difference.
Also, drinaldi, do you think that maybe your husband is a big part of your problems?
He sounds like a complete, dominating, overbearing ass. Do you really need that, or does he have some redemming quality that we don't know about?
My heart goes out to you.
Take care
Dave

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:11 am

Hey everyone. I know this is long, but please bare with me. I asked my husband over a week ago to read the section in chapter two for partners. Even went so far as to copy it for him and leave on kitchen table so he could read it when he had time or take it with him. Then I mentioned it the other day and his response was very negative, like "I haven't had time". The way I see it is that if your partner/spouce or relative really wanted to be supportive and they would try to participate when asked. Otherwise wouldn't it seem as though they are trying to hold you back. I've tried explaining to him what anxiety is and the fearful thoughts or problems that I have with it and his responses on several occations have been to belittle me or blow it off as no big deal. For example last weekend we were driving back from shopping and were on a two lane road that goes into a two laner to go up a hill. He was upset because we had been following someone who was doing under the limit so he attempted to pass on right. There was a car in front of him - the slow poke and another that decided to get on it on the left side of him. He gunned it more trying to squeeze into the left. He does this often especially when I'm having vertigo feelings. I stated out loud, "allright" meaning I'd had enough. He slammed on the breaks, turned at me, yelled at me and said for me to find another shouffer(sp) because he was tired of me critizing his driving. He turned my fear/anxiety into making is sound like poor him. It's my fault that some things make me panic and when I try to explain these situations to him he gets angry, has a temper tantrum and then doesn't talk to me for hours to days. This happens when we get into arguments as well, he twists things to make it seem like poor him, and I feel guilty and then my anxiety gets worse. Another example is at the peak of an attack a few years ago and I wasn't driving and was dragging myself out of bed to get to work. He would yell at me and say get your "a..s" in the truck, I'm leaving in 5 minutes. Not even caring about what was going on with me. Or would say, when I'd say he just didn't understand - he's say I'm living it, it's affecting my life to.. So what do I do? How do I handle this? I always end up feeling guilty. The doctor I see says that he goes to a child place and it's all about him. I don't know if I agree or not. Always makes me feel really sad and alone. He will even mention divorce over and over. Seems like I'm rambling but really frustrated as this anxiety/panic things makes me beholden to him to get me from point a and b. Or even worse that I can't get out because he's the best I can find. "Worry" that will never find another partner in life that will make me happy. Any ideas on how to get him to understand. I've been married 14 years.
Thanks in advance..