Memory or Anxiety?

[myophora]

Ok, so I feel like I'm being tortured by my poor memory/critical thinking skills. Granted, I've always had a poor memory, and I do suffer from anxiety. From all that I've read, these two things are bestest of friends. I still find it really concerning though - I've always done really well in school/college, even passed the cpa exam in one shot, but I feel like no one would believe that now.

As I get older (30 now), I'm becoming more aware of how poor my basic knowledge is - of history, current events, of even simple trivia questions. Quizzo makes me feel terrible about myself! Not only that, but my ability to remember times I went out with friends or family, places we went or people we met along the way, situations that arose... is all so very poor. And what's hard about that, is our ability to recall events that have happened to us is often what helps fuel conversations...so many times I end up being really quiet around people (even friends) b/c I simply can't remember enough to contribute. And that kills me! I want to contribute, I want to feel included.

But what is most concerning is when I stuggle with these things at work, since that's what keeps a roof over my head(on my 4th job since college). I just don't feel I'm able to critically think about issues or problems that arise the way I used to when I was younger(I'm supposed to be an operations analyst, but at this point I feel I'm nothing more than a data tracker- I contribute so little to my job). A lot of it is that I just don't remember enough to help contribute to figuring out why variances are the way they are or why it looks like we're spending way too much money in a certain area.

I do realize it may be that I haven't fully recognized the extent of my social phobia - b/c in all instances where I'm struggling (at least at work), I'll often need to interact with people to get answers (that often I feel I should already know, so I fear/avoid asking!) And in school, we can lock ourselves away in a library, learn the material, take a test and that's it. No interaction with others needed (for the most part). Life tests us much differently.

But still, why can't I remember times when I was happy and care free with friends? I'd think those were the times I'd most clearly remember events...maybe I just haven't given enough credit to chronic anxiety and its detrimental affect on my memory?

I want to be happy, I want to point out the positives in me and believe them (I can usually find some!), but when you struggle day in and day out with your work and with your ability to socialize, it's really hard to continue saying positive things to yourself.

Anyway, a bit long winded for sure, but I just wanted to know if anyone else experiences similar struggles - if anyone else questions whether it is their intelligence limitations or their anxiety that is keeping them from feeling at peace with who they are.

[Guest]

This could make me cry because it so desperately mimics my situation. I have 3 bachelor's degrees and my Master's in Teaching Foreign languages. I am fluent in 4 languages (almost 5). One would think with all of the knowledge of these different languages and my extensive education and degrees (I've also been a professor before I became a SAHM), that I would remember a thing or two.

Nope. I have a sieve for a memory. I am practically identical you in terms of my inability to manage to remember even the fun times and details with friends. I often (say 80-85% of the time) never remember details of events with my husband. He'll bring up something and of course, I don't remember.

It makes me angry. It's embarrassing. I also (negative thinking here) feel like I shouldn't go back to work because what validity would I have if I can't remember much? I mean how ridiculous would it be to have a professor that says "I don't know" every time you ask a question?

Sigh. I hear you. Let's forget about this together, shall we?

[Guest]

Interesting...and to think I was questioning an early onset of Alzheimer's, for myself! This has been bothersome to me for some time...but after starting this program and realizing how much of my time is not truely spent "in the precious present moment" but rather having my mind wonder to anything from "mental" grocery list (as if I remember the needed items, unless they're written down :p) to second guessing what others in the setting are "really thinking"...it's no wonder I don't remember so much, as I wasn't really present the entire time! Now, when I find myself starting to "drift", I remind myself "stay here"...it's helpful to me and sooths me...I guess by realizing that there's really nothing more important than that very moment!
Thanks for your insights into this...interesting topic!

[Guest]

I don't know how far along you are in the program. I have had an amazing memory my whole life until my 20's. I am now 27 and worried about the severe loss of memory I have experienced. I could watch a movie and not be able to tell you much about it a couple days later. I blamed it on a car wreck I was in. I've done very well in the program, and have almost nabbed all my anxiety. I must say that my memory has been getting sharper and sharper. I have also begun a healthiER diet, exercise, and a daily multi-vitamin. I also read that the part of your brain that handles thoughts and emotion is the same part that deals with your memory. Could your anxiety be affecting that part of the brain's functioning? I also read a long, detailed article of the functions of the brain during sleep. To say it briefly, it takes your personal moments from the day that seemed important to remember, and files them away. How could it properly do that if your mind was full of racing, scary, negative thoughts all day? Your REAL memories for the day were just a backround for what was really going in your head. I think the Alzheimer's thing is another example of these scary thoughts. Now, of course this is my strong opinion, but I have lived this all. Stick with this program, it can do wonders for many areas in your life!

[Guest]

My loss of memory and brain function was quite frightening for me when my anxiety became out of control. Fortunately, it is now coming back the better I am doing. I still feel like there are big holes missing in my past, but at least I'm starting to do better as far as present memory is concerned.

There is hope of a normal brain!