Jealous, and feeling ashamed of myself

Leda · Post by **Leda** » Sun Jun 29, 2008 3:01 pm

Long story short: a younger relative of mine, who used to idolize me (edited to add that she no longer does, possibly because I poorly handled a conflict between us, now I just feel she thinks she's above me, and that I'm a weirdo), just had a huge success in her new career (which just happens to be one that I've always wanted, but abandoned because I didn't believe I could do it and because it was unstable). Instead of feeling happy for her (although I have been kind of annoyed at her since she left my *wedding* early to go to some optional event elsewhere) all I can think of is how jealous I am and mortified that I'm such a loser.

I looked at pictures from her celebration party and she looked gorgeous and completely comfortable, surrounded by tons of friends and well-wishers--while I haven't a single acquaintance, let alone friend. I'm so embarrassed of what I've become--I'm sloppy, frumpy, paralyzed by fear and low self-esteem and am embarrassment to myself and others.

The worst is that I know I have natural talent in this other field but I abandoned it. She is well-connected, extremely social, knows all the right people, and is completely financially supported by her parents. Her accomplishment was always a pipe dream of mine but now I feel like crawling back even further into my dark hole.

I hate what I've become and I feel so humiliated. I used to be something like normal once, and now look at what I am

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:26 am

There is a Bible verse that states "It is not wise to compare yourselves among yourselves."
You are you. She is she. You have both traveled different paths to where you are now. You are both living your own lives. It does not have to be a contest. If she admired you, then you were an inspiration to her; that is a very high compliment to you. Applaud her efforts and don't be so hard on yourself! You had some "stinkin' thinkin' " comments here about yourself! Did she really admire such an "awful" person?! You are not awful! This program will help you! (Believe me, when I'm talking to you here, I'm talking to myself too!) Just be YOU! Best hopes 2 U!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:09 pm

I also suffer from horrible jealousy. I tend to look at what others have and wish I had it instead of looking at what I have and being grateful. It's difficult but we can move past this and keep reminding ourselves how important we are. Believe that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:08 am

Hi Leda -

Your message is heart breaking to read, possibly because I feel I can relate to your feelings of poor self esteem and hopelessness, but there is a happy ending here if you want it. I think many of the inspirational stories begin like this and you can be one of them. Someone on this website wrote "Not forgiving is like swallowing poison and hoping your enemy dies from it". You need to forgive yourself, make peace with yourself (you're treating yourself like you are the enemy), and like the others said, move on with you as the measuring stick for success. I understand your feelings, because I have felt them too, but it's time to let them go and move on.

Session 9 has some excellent advice on letting go of guilt and explaining why we hold onto these self-defeating, negative thoughts. Basically, we're filling our present moments in order to avoid changing and to explain our self-hate.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:09 am

Leda, I'm sure you are not a bad person, especially since you are feeling badly about the situation. You used many harsh words to describe yourself, you really needed only one word to sum up who and what you really are... that word is Potential. All the things you mentioned of yourself can be changed if you don't like them. Just make sure you change them because YOU don't like them about yourself, not because someone else pressures you to or makes you feel badly about being that way. Tell youself three good things daily in front of the mirror and do that until you believe them, then add more things to say until you begin to feel better about yourself automatically. It's ok if you say them and don't believe them right now. Through repetition you will begin to say them naturally and believe them.

If you truelly want to be angered, take your anger and use it to push you ahead in something to make you feel better. With the right attitude, anything you feel can be turned around and used to inspire you and help you strive to succeed.

Take a step in the right direction, and congratulate this person, even if you don't really mean it right now. That will releave a monkey on your back, and it will also show her you are a bigger person. Then begin to be more positive in how you see yourself, and although it will take time to get throug it all, the end results might be quite suprising to you where you end up... having acquired your pipe dream and seeing that you are truelly stronger and better then you gave yourself credit for.

Best of luck to you Leda

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:13 am

Leda, don't be ashamed of your emotions. You might not want to be jealous and you may feel guilty, but rather than beat yourself up over it, turn it around. Jealousy and envy are two things I struggled with for a long time... I always looked at what others had and was chronically dissatisfied with what I had.

Something I try to do... I accept the thoughts as negative and move on from them. You said you had a natural talent for this dream, so you do believe in yourself, you are just in a rough spot right now - happens to everyone! Hold onto that confidence and look at that girl as having a life you strive for, not resent. I often think my jealousy is telling me something, like if I see someone super successful in their career or being well traveled, etc. I know my jealousy of them is my minds way of saying (in a way) that's what I want too. Maybe you could use this opportunity to reach out to her, say congrats, and rebuild a relationship - I bet that would alleviate some of your pain too. Use her as an example of what you would like to do/be and strive for it ... you know you can do it!