I´m feeling so much guilt and worry about past misstakes in my life, and I don´t know how to be free from this because I felt this way for so long, despite talking with friends and experts about it. I assume it´s responsibility-OCD, fearing that my actions may have hurt or even killed people, even if I know this is probably very unlikely. What makes it complicated is that I only fear things in the past, so it´s impossible to know what really have happened due to my actions. It seems many with OCD and anxiety in general fear things in the present and the future, but this doesn´t scare me, because if something will happen you at least will know about it, and can start to worry then, but when the things you worry about are in the past its´just total uncertainty.
It also sems many with OCD fear things that are very irrational, but what if the worst case scenario are very serious? I don´t know what normal people, or people with a diiferent form of OCD thinks about my story, if my guilt is justified or if this is just as irrational as other form of OCDs for a person without OCD. My main worry is that a misstake I did at work when I was about 19, 10 years ago, have led to a fire that have killed people in a horrible way. I then was making some form of metalboxes, wich inside have some electrical wires and a battery, about 1/3 the size of a regular carbattery. The purspose of this box is to give power to two lighters, if the electricity will go away, mainly used in large areas, like industries, sportarenas, shopcenters or other places with large areas to lighten upp. This battery in the box is resting in a form of metalpocket, that is attached into the metalbox with two screws. Once one of these screws couldn´t be fastened because I guess I tightened it to hard, or the screwthreads was not really good. I was trying to fix this problem by drilling a new screwhole, but I dropped the drill needed, and didn´t found it. I then felt clumsy and really didn´t want to tell my quite grumpy superior about it. I decided to send this box away anyway, because I thought the battery sat quite hard and good anyway. But not long after this my worries comes, what if this battery will fall down and land in such way that a shortcurciut between the plates is possible and this then might cause an explosion or fire inside this metalbox that may spread outside the box, and in worst case scenario kill one or more people in a deadly fire.
This misstake I have haunted me fore long now, I guess I feel so much guilt because I was to much of a chicken to tell my boss about the misstake, and this lack of character could have killed people in a very terrible way. I did tell my boss about this one year after this have happened, but he seemed to forget about it real quick, he just said we could look at it, then I guess he forgott it, being old and a bit confused as he was, and I stopped working there not long after that. I also called my oldworkplace again, 5 years after this misstake, but the new boss just said that I didn´t need to worry about this incident. He also said that they should controll this incident, and he also phoned back a week after and said the problem was taken care of. But I didn´t know if he just said so to calm me down, because when I wanted to know where this metalbix was located he just said it´s taken care off, so I didn´t really get any real facts about if something had happened over the years, so this call to my boss didn´t really calmed me so much. My purpose with phoning him was to get a definite answear where this battery was located, so I could know if someyhing had happened, and then could just leave it, but that didnt happened. And this was 10 years ago so now I guess it´s not possible to trace where this battery is located.
I just don´t know what to do with this guilt, I want a normal life with a family and such, but how could this be possible when I feel so bad, my girlfriend has more or less left me because of this, I guess she thinks may depression and guilt can´t make me a good father and husband, and I gues she´s right, even if this makes me even more depressed and lonely.
So in short, is this a real concern, or is it´s just OCD, people have told me that all makes misstakes, but no one have made exactly this same misstake, so how could they know that they would be able to live happy life if done something like this? If something really have happened, I can´t just see it as an accident either, because I did have a choice to fix that battery but chooswd not to at that time.
Feeling so much guilt!
Hi,
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I do not have full-blown OCD, but there have been times in my life where I have had OCD tendencies. I think what I am about to say may line up with this program, but if it doesn't, I think it will be O.K.
Here are some things that helped me with my OCD. First of all, please know that no matter what your mental health, you are loved and you have value. You deserve to be loved no matter what your weaknesses. All human beings have weaknesses, and OCD just happens to be yours. You have as much value as any other human being and you are just as capable of being a partner and parent. Please find ways to give yourself love, and let yourself be loved whether spiritually or through others. I remember moving to a new place after living with my in-law's who were making fun of me for my ocd behaviors. I had a two year old son, and I was very OCD about him. I always thought something bad was going to happen to him, and just being responsible for another human being was too overwhelming. At the new place, there were many other people who had some of the same behaviors-they cared about germs, or putting extra chlorine in the pool when the kids went swimming. I could see that at least some of my behavior was normal, and that if it wasn't, I wasn't the only person with the condition. You are not the only person in the world with OCD, and you deserve to be loved and accepted just as you are.
A second thing that helped me was when I went to a therapist who was trained in trauma and psychotherapy. Her opinion was that OCD is never about OCD. This program points out that obsessive thoughts are just distractions, and that's kind of the same point. The example the therapist gave me was of a person who keeps going back home and checking the stove, etc. This person could be doing this because the person has a strong work ethic, but hates their job. In order to deal with the situation, they keep missing work by having the excuse of needing to check on the stove. It's just a way of coping, and yes there is an easier way of facing the truth, and finding a job where they are happier, but this possibility is just not in their awareness or seems much more difficult to do. Finding a good therapist who understands these possibilities may help you to understand what your OCD may really be about. For me, it was being a first time mom, and something really being wrong with my son. He was later diagnosed with autism, and after his diagnosis I actually had a period of relief because I realized the truth about my behavior and what was going on. I don't know if you would be open to that.
I am not saying that you have to agree with me, or that you shouldn't take medication, etc., but I do not believe that OCD is a disease that takes over who you are. You are you. You are not your OCD. It is just something that passes through you, just like other emotions. It is just one of many ways that anxiety takes form. It just seems like you are spending a lot of time trying to figure out if it's you or if it's your OCD or if you are being rational or not.
That's a really difficult way to live, and I have been there. All I can say is that the focus needs to change to taking care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You just need help in improving your self-worth and loving yourself, and letting God love you, and facing some truths about your life, and I think you can be helped.
Finally, I know it must be really scary to think that you could have killed someone, but it really isn't true. I can give you a really good explanation, and so can other people, but until some core issues are solved, you will probably move from this worry to something else. This thinking is probably just a distraction for you for some reason, and as painful as it is, it probably unconsciously seems less painful than facing whatever it is you are distracting yourself from. I just really think you need a good therapist who understands what OCD is really about. I'll try to give you an explanation that may help you for now. You worked for a company several years ago, and you made a mistake one day. Not only did you make a mistake, you also told two supervisors after the fact that you made the mistake and both of them assured you that all was fine. Why would either one of those people want someone to be killed in a fire? I can't imagine they would want that. You were basically a teenager when you made that mistake, and you had bosses. Those bosses were responsible for employing you, and making sure that you did your job properly. If you didn't, and anyone's life was in danger, it would be their responsibility, but I doubt very highly that anyone's life is in danger. Also, metal boxes are used to keep important documents safe from fires like the little black boxes on air planes, so it is highly unlikely that a fire would spread from inside a metal box. It's probably impossible. Companies that make products that could possibly be a danger have many steps they are supposed to go through to make their products and meet safety standards because everyone makes mistakes. The sole responsibility for making those boxes does not rest on your shoulders because there are many safety checks the product must go through. I know that I didn't have your job, but the other people that you contacted do know what your job entailed, and none of them believe that anyone's life is in danger.
You were young. When I was three years old, I was visiting with neighbors who had their baby swinging in hammock. The mother told me that I could push the baby in the hammock but not to push to hard. I was three years old. I pushed too hard, and the baby fell out. For years as a child I would feel so guilty about that. I'm an adult now, and I can see that I was only a child who shouldn't have been allowed to push the baby. It was the mother's mistake for thinking that a three year old could be as responsible as an adult. You were 19. You were trying to do a good job, and you messed up. No one died, and no one will die from your mistake. This unnecessary guilt and thinking is a distraction from something else in your life.
No one is meant to live their life in guilt. I mean I am around a person who knows for sure that their not being perfect lead to the death of someone and even they don't need to live a life of guilt. Guilt serves no purpose, and especially guilt for no identifiable reason. You didn't kill anyone, and you aren't going to with your mistakes. We all make mistakes.
You know, when you are viewing things from the lens of OCD, life appears to be so fragile. It seems like everything can kill us, etc., but the truth of the matter is that if for example, germs were that deadly because we didn't wash our hands each time for thirty seconds, or dropping a screwdriver while making an electrical box could kill us, none of us would be alive, and we wouldn't have inhabited this planet for thousands of years:). I know for me personally, I can see that life appears to be very fragile, but God is obviously in control. I mean we fly through space on this planet while spinning around with other objects flying by us for goodness sakes:). Did you also consider the possibility that your box may have just not worked because of your mistake? That's the worst thing that happened. Please find a way to start telling yourself the truth:). I hope something in here helped, and I really do wish you luck on journey of healing.
Take Care
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I do not have full-blown OCD, but there have been times in my life where I have had OCD tendencies. I think what I am about to say may line up with this program, but if it doesn't, I think it will be O.K.
Here are some things that helped me with my OCD. First of all, please know that no matter what your mental health, you are loved and you have value. You deserve to be loved no matter what your weaknesses. All human beings have weaknesses, and OCD just happens to be yours. You have as much value as any other human being and you are just as capable of being a partner and parent. Please find ways to give yourself love, and let yourself be loved whether spiritually or through others. I remember moving to a new place after living with my in-law's who were making fun of me for my ocd behaviors. I had a two year old son, and I was very OCD about him. I always thought something bad was going to happen to him, and just being responsible for another human being was too overwhelming. At the new place, there were many other people who had some of the same behaviors-they cared about germs, or putting extra chlorine in the pool when the kids went swimming. I could see that at least some of my behavior was normal, and that if it wasn't, I wasn't the only person with the condition. You are not the only person in the world with OCD, and you deserve to be loved and accepted just as you are.
A second thing that helped me was when I went to a therapist who was trained in trauma and psychotherapy. Her opinion was that OCD is never about OCD. This program points out that obsessive thoughts are just distractions, and that's kind of the same point. The example the therapist gave me was of a person who keeps going back home and checking the stove, etc. This person could be doing this because the person has a strong work ethic, but hates their job. In order to deal with the situation, they keep missing work by having the excuse of needing to check on the stove. It's just a way of coping, and yes there is an easier way of facing the truth, and finding a job where they are happier, but this possibility is just not in their awareness or seems much more difficult to do. Finding a good therapist who understands these possibilities may help you to understand what your OCD may really be about. For me, it was being a first time mom, and something really being wrong with my son. He was later diagnosed with autism, and after his diagnosis I actually had a period of relief because I realized the truth about my behavior and what was going on. I don't know if you would be open to that.
I am not saying that you have to agree with me, or that you shouldn't take medication, etc., but I do not believe that OCD is a disease that takes over who you are. You are you. You are not your OCD. It is just something that passes through you, just like other emotions. It is just one of many ways that anxiety takes form. It just seems like you are spending a lot of time trying to figure out if it's you or if it's your OCD or if you are being rational or not.
That's a really difficult way to live, and I have been there. All I can say is that the focus needs to change to taking care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You just need help in improving your self-worth and loving yourself, and letting God love you, and facing some truths about your life, and I think you can be helped.
Finally, I know it must be really scary to think that you could have killed someone, but it really isn't true. I can give you a really good explanation, and so can other people, but until some core issues are solved, you will probably move from this worry to something else. This thinking is probably just a distraction for you for some reason, and as painful as it is, it probably unconsciously seems less painful than facing whatever it is you are distracting yourself from. I just really think you need a good therapist who understands what OCD is really about. I'll try to give you an explanation that may help you for now. You worked for a company several years ago, and you made a mistake one day. Not only did you make a mistake, you also told two supervisors after the fact that you made the mistake and both of them assured you that all was fine. Why would either one of those people want someone to be killed in a fire? I can't imagine they would want that. You were basically a teenager when you made that mistake, and you had bosses. Those bosses were responsible for employing you, and making sure that you did your job properly. If you didn't, and anyone's life was in danger, it would be their responsibility, but I doubt very highly that anyone's life is in danger. Also, metal boxes are used to keep important documents safe from fires like the little black boxes on air planes, so it is highly unlikely that a fire would spread from inside a metal box. It's probably impossible. Companies that make products that could possibly be a danger have many steps they are supposed to go through to make their products and meet safety standards because everyone makes mistakes. The sole responsibility for making those boxes does not rest on your shoulders because there are many safety checks the product must go through. I know that I didn't have your job, but the other people that you contacted do know what your job entailed, and none of them believe that anyone's life is in danger.
You were young. When I was three years old, I was visiting with neighbors who had their baby swinging in hammock. The mother told me that I could push the baby in the hammock but not to push to hard. I was three years old. I pushed too hard, and the baby fell out. For years as a child I would feel so guilty about that. I'm an adult now, and I can see that I was only a child who shouldn't have been allowed to push the baby. It was the mother's mistake for thinking that a three year old could be as responsible as an adult. You were 19. You were trying to do a good job, and you messed up. No one died, and no one will die from your mistake. This unnecessary guilt and thinking is a distraction from something else in your life.
No one is meant to live their life in guilt. I mean I am around a person who knows for sure that their not being perfect lead to the death of someone and even they don't need to live a life of guilt. Guilt serves no purpose, and especially guilt for no identifiable reason. You didn't kill anyone, and you aren't going to with your mistakes. We all make mistakes.
You know, when you are viewing things from the lens of OCD, life appears to be so fragile. It seems like everything can kill us, etc., but the truth of the matter is that if for example, germs were that deadly because we didn't wash our hands each time for thirty seconds, or dropping a screwdriver while making an electrical box could kill us, none of us would be alive, and we wouldn't have inhabited this planet for thousands of years:). I know for me personally, I can see that life appears to be very fragile, but God is obviously in control. I mean we fly through space on this planet while spinning around with other objects flying by us for goodness sakes:). Did you also consider the possibility that your box may have just not worked because of your mistake? That's the worst thing that happened. Please find a way to start telling yourself the truth:). I hope something in here helped, and I really do wish you luck on journey of healing.
Take Care
Thanks for that detailed answear luvpiggy!
I know many have the opinion that OCD is just a cover up for the real problems, the brains make you thinks the stuff you worry about is important, but it´s just a protection against the real problem. But I don´t know what this real problem is, or if it´s so in my case. I´ve tried to do the things that my former psycolohist told me years ago, she suggested that I may fear moving from my parents, get a girlfriend and such. But I´ve done these things, I moved to another city and studied at the university, and two years ago met a nice girl. But I still had these feelings of guilt for this misstake, wich makes life and studies in general more hard, because the heavy mental burden strong guilt is. I just don´t know what I fear that could be worse than this misstake, I for sure don´t know.
I also realize that it´s unlikely that someone will die in a fire because of my misstake, but the slightest possibility seems to be enough for me feeling very guilty and responsible for this incident. It´s like my mind telling me "you don´t know for sure what have happened", and my logic tells me that it´s possible something could happen. My mind is also experts on finding these possibilites, like that a fire can spread outside the box because there is a few small holes in the bottom of the box where the electric cables is attached from the outside, and that a fire can melt this cables or set them on fire wich in turn can make the fire spread, and similar thoughts.
It´s hard to argue with such scenarios because I know there is a possibility even if its´small, so that a deadly fire never could have happened isn´t exactly true I guess?
I guess my former bosses and other people, like my parents, doesn´t worry so much about this misstake because for them the risk is so small, and I guess people without OCD doesn´t worry so much about things that "might" happen, especially if they haven´t done the misstakes themselves.
It´s also frustrating to realize that many people seems to think this is no big deal to worry about, it makes me wonder if I really have becomed crazy to not being able to leave this behind me, that my OCD just won´t let me leave this behind me, because this mistake is to serious for a person with this kind of OCD to forget about. I mean,some people with harm-OCD fear that they could have seriously have hurt a person by just bumping into them on the street on accident, my misstake seems more realistic than that, it also wasn´t something I done totally without purpose, I did have a choose to teel my superiosrs right away I guess, but I didn´t.
Anyway, it´s nice to hear that other people also has done misstakes, even more serious and real than this, and still doesn´t need to spend theirv life with heavy guilt. I guess somehow I need to be able to forgive myself over this, even if I don´t knowed what happened for sure, forgiving yoyrself is just so hard for people with these kind of OCD I guess.
I know many have the opinion that OCD is just a cover up for the real problems, the brains make you thinks the stuff you worry about is important, but it´s just a protection against the real problem. But I don´t know what this real problem is, or if it´s so in my case. I´ve tried to do the things that my former psycolohist told me years ago, she suggested that I may fear moving from my parents, get a girlfriend and such. But I´ve done these things, I moved to another city and studied at the university, and two years ago met a nice girl. But I still had these feelings of guilt for this misstake, wich makes life and studies in general more hard, because the heavy mental burden strong guilt is. I just don´t know what I fear that could be worse than this misstake, I for sure don´t know.
I also realize that it´s unlikely that someone will die in a fire because of my misstake, but the slightest possibility seems to be enough for me feeling very guilty and responsible for this incident. It´s like my mind telling me "you don´t know for sure what have happened", and my logic tells me that it´s possible something could happen. My mind is also experts on finding these possibilites, like that a fire can spread outside the box because there is a few small holes in the bottom of the box where the electric cables is attached from the outside, and that a fire can melt this cables or set them on fire wich in turn can make the fire spread, and similar thoughts.
It´s hard to argue with such scenarios because I know there is a possibility even if its´small, so that a deadly fire never could have happened isn´t exactly true I guess?
I guess my former bosses and other people, like my parents, doesn´t worry so much about this misstake because for them the risk is so small, and I guess people without OCD doesn´t worry so much about things that "might" happen, especially if they haven´t done the misstakes themselves.
It´s also frustrating to realize that many people seems to think this is no big deal to worry about, it makes me wonder if I really have becomed crazy to not being able to leave this behind me, that my OCD just won´t let me leave this behind me, because this mistake is to serious for a person with this kind of OCD to forget about. I mean,some people with harm-OCD fear that they could have seriously have hurt a person by just bumping into them on the street on accident, my misstake seems more realistic than that, it also wasn´t something I done totally without purpose, I did have a choose to teel my superiosrs right away I guess, but I didn´t.
Anyway, it´s nice to hear that other people also has done misstakes, even more serious and real than this, and still doesn´t need to spend theirv life with heavy guilt. I guess somehow I need to be able to forgive myself over this, even if I don´t knowed what happened for sure, forgiving yoyrself is just so hard for people with these kind of OCD I guess.